Male 30 never been in a relationship..

[Tomswrd]

Need a shoulder to cry on, I know it's pathetic but internet is my last abode.

 

Just a little background on myself, without lying or bragging I am told I am very attractive, I also had a very athletic physique up until 24 but I'm training again and its coming back now.

 

I had a great childhood and then went to a secluded all boys school and I'm an only child, I had 0 contact with girls until 19. I started at Imperial in London studying engineering a very prestigious and extremely hard degree to get on.

 

By the age of 22 I developed a mental disorder which started as being bipolar, and resulted in acute depression which ended as chronic I have it to this day, I didn't know what it was then but I am now on medication and stable. It's enough to say it destroyed me & my career and I had to leave for some years.

 

A year later my families business went bankrupt and I could no longer afford to go back to Uni my place is now gone, I had to find the most basic jobs to keep some bread on the table for my heavily indebted and bankrupt parents, this has not changed to date and without a degree I can't get a good job.

 

To date I struggle with depression and I am medicated, but people still consider me a confident & capable person, all that I have written above I will be able to deal with eventually except for women.

 

I just turned 30, I have had no experiences with women, I don't feel myself around women and don't know how to react to them, I have been hit on many times in my life but depression always creeps in at the worst times and cripples me. It is also crippling my progress in life. I had some experiences with dating at uni but some of these girls just played games with me and I didn't see it coming, I have poor "game".

 

So now that I've turned 30 I cannot help thinking I've missed out on so much it's irreparable, I didn't want hundreds of girls but a few relationships to date with girls I found attractive would have been nice.

 

I cannot look at attractive younger girls 21,22 etc. or younger guys with girls because I feel depressed instantly. Everyone around me thinks I just have one night stands because I'm good looking and have no girlfriend, if they only knew the truth.

 

Out of desperation and in a depressive bout I hired a load of hookers at age 25, that's when I lost my virginity to a hooker and those were my sum total experiences.

 

I basically feel like it's over for me, everyone's talking about marriage etc. and a few of my friends are married even with kids. I can't even think about marriage, the idea makes my stomach sick.

 

But how can I even contemplate going out with a 21 year old now? I can't, most 21 year olds are more experienced than me.

 

Sometimes I tell myself it's over no point bugging myself about it, the doctors can't seem to get me better with the tablets either.

 

A lot of my friends sisters are all happy to date older guys but they look for a guy with some financial stability and career, I can provide neither, they are all from wealthier families.

 

To try to date, I have to face depression, inexperience, financial border line existence and the complete unknown to me of what is women, even though I worship at her shrine.

 

Perhaps I should just forget about it focus on a career, how? And try to head on with depression, perhaps I should accept I was not meant to be young and have fun like all those around me.

[Philosoraptor]

First, seek help for the depression. Until that is under control you are going to be caught in this self loathing loop. After you've been able to get that under control you will have the chance to get your life back in order. You'll be able to find stable employment and start meeting women your own age. No need to chase young girls when you can meet someone closer to your own age and mature.

[theothersully]

Date someone your own age. You cannot climb to the top of Everest (dating a 22 yr old girl) without first taking a few steps...

[Tomswrd]

Also, don't feel so bad about the hookers things. You feel that way because of societal shaming based on puritan beliefs. There's really nothing wrong with it and most of the world does it.

 

I don't feel bad about it except for that is how I lost my virginity at 25 (pretty late) and it was done in completely the wrong circumstance, out of desperation and not as a decision to have some fun, at least it was with some high class girls.

 

You'll be able to find stable employment and start meeting women your own age. No need to chase young girls when you can meet someone closer to your own age and mature.

Well that's the thing, I would have like to have dated a 22 year old, now I will never have that opportunity because it's out of bounds. 18-25 is a really important time for both sexes, relationships etc. I will never experience that, young love is something I definitely missed out on.

 

Date someone your own age. You cannot climb to the top of Everest (dating a 22 yr old girl) without first taking a few steps...

Why do you say that? For me it's because I feel so much older it's wrong, 8 years is a big difference.

 

First, seek help for the depression. Until that is under control you are going to be caught in this self loathing loop. After you've been able to get that under control you will have the chance to get your life back in order.

I have been dealing with it for 8 years doctors, psychotherapy etc. etc., it just goes on and on.

 

Don't see how without a degree I'm going to be able to get my life back on track, and doing a degree at my age is totally out of the question. Many guys my age have great careers on at least £100,000 a year, I can never match that, never catch up.

 

I just don't think I can make up for the lost years.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Tomswrd

[Philosoraptor]

Many guys your age may have great careers, but that certainly doesn't represent the majority. The majority of people are just sliding by and have no issues finding partners. If you compare yourself to others you will always lose, as there is always going to be someone who has it better than you. What you need to do is find happiness in what you do have and happiness in your own path in life. With that you will be able to find someone who you actually connect with.

[Tomswrd]

Many guys your age may have great careers, but that certainly doesn't represent the majority. The majority of people are just sliding by and have no issues finding partners. If you compare yourself to others you will always lose, as there is always going to be someone who has it better than you. What you need to do is find happiness in what you do have and happiness in your own path in life. With that you will be able to find someone who you actually connect with.

 

I would be happy to be in a job earning just half of what they earn, it's not about looking at others, but there is a time and a place for everything, 80 is not the age to start dating.

 

I'm not looking for a serious marriage relationship, I just want to have what I should have had and what all normal people have, I will never have that now. Seems like even trying to date is pointless as I have so many things going against me?

 

Which 22 year old attractive girl would want me when there are better choices just a year or so older than her. Not to mention the experience and games girls play, and girls can smell depression a mile off no matter how hard I try to conceal it, even if I take extra anti-depressants before going out.

[carhill]

OP, tell us about your relationship with your best male friend. How does that go for you?

[Tomswrd]

OP, tell us about your relationship with your best male friend. How does that go for you?

 

Well most of my friends are male, many of them have girlfriends so I meet them through them.

 

I don't have a best male friends but I have 3 that I'd trust with my life.

 

Another thing is most women I've met at 30 are firmly hooked up or either don't say it, two years ago I dated a girl 2 years older than me, we kissed that was it she was really into me, and would send me really racy text messages and photos of her in bikinis, she wanted to meet me soon, I couldn't meet her immediately because I had to go abroad for a week, when I came back it all went quiet, she played me hard, wouldn't reply to my texts or calls. I met her the week I came back coincidentally by chance in a night club in London, with her long term boyfriend she was having trouble with when she met me. Total knife to the guts.

 

So you guys telling me to date girls my own age = very limited choice and as I am too old and missed the boat to date younger girls I guess I should just stop winding myself up and accept I missed this huge milestone in everyone's life and it can never happen now in my lifetime.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Tomswrd

[Tomswrd]

I've traveled a lot but imo if you can't get laid with a hot bird in the UK, you won't get laid abroad.

[string of letters]

Well, OP, part of your problem is that you are probably in a society which holds that 'pressure' from this sort of thing just gets worse and worse and worse, and your only solution is to be in a relationship, or just continue coasting downhilll until you reach your breaking point. (I suspect a lot of this influence comes - directly or indirectly - from Freud, though it would be tedious to to confirm this.)

 

Stop thinking this way. There is a lot of evidence that humans are far more resilient than this - but you have to take the first step by looking at a different model of how your life is unfolding.

 

Start by accepting the possibility that you can start to feel more comfortable within your own skin within a reasonable amount of time. I'm not going to tell you the gibberish that some will tell you, that feeling more comfortable will somehow start automatically start attracting women to you - and furthermore, even if you believed that were true, it might impede your progress, because your ultimate goal wouldn't have changed. Your real goal is simply to become more comfortable with yourself.

 

 

 

To try to date, I have to face depression, inexperience, financial border line existence and the complete unknown to me of what is women, even though I worship at her shrine.

 

Dude, stop worshiping at shrines.

[Tomswrd]

Dude, stop worshiping at shrines.

That wasn't meant to be literally taken. But I do find women I find very attractive like Goddesses to me, and they are even less attainable because of my lack of experience and really my own issues caused by my lack of youth.

 

I'm not sure how what you've written is meant to help me.

 

It feels a lot better and I feel a lot more like myself if I simply accept I never had girls in my youth and given my situation I doubt I will have any in the near future.

 

So I can literally cross the whole thing off, it's sad but I can't keep suffering mentally about this anymore, for a variety of reasons I wasn't meant to get women and my time is up regarding the issue.

 

I can't look at women I find attractive because I feel bad, I may feel a little different if I accept I am not allowed to go there, it's a closed book.

[BlametheIrish]

Forget about women right now (easier said than done I know). Like many posters said before me, you need to work on you before you entwine your life with someone else. Would you date the,female equivalent of yourself?

 

Your lack of a formal education, not an issue to lots of women. Helping out yoyr family in times of need is a plus too. But what is a HUGE turn off for most women I know is a lack if self esteem teamed up with a jaded view on life.

 

Hurting over your lack of relationship experience in your youth will only make you feel worse yoy need to learn to let things go, have you seen a therapist or anything of that sort to help you on your lifes journey? It sounds like you could use some help getting your life,on track and there's no shame in that.

[Tomswrd]

Forget about women right now (easier said than done I know)

Well I have done this in the past, for years actually, only now serious alarm bells have gone off as I'm no longer in my 20s.

 

Thanks for the post Irish.

 

have you seen a therapist or anything of that sort to help you on your lifes journey?

I've had lots of psychotherapy to figure out why I became depressed, turns out I may have a chemical imbalance, I don't even know why I'm depressed. I became depressed even before I thought about such things as girl problems and before any major problems hit my life.

 

Now I have to live with it and just keep taking the medication.

 

But what is a HUGE turn off for most women I know is a lack if self esteem teamed up with a jaded view on life.

Well you are hitting the correct issue here. I struggle with depression and when there are new negative situations it sort of absorbs it and aggravates an episode as I call them. This particularly happens with attractive women as of 3 years or so.

 

I almost have a aura of negativity that comes over me as soon as I see anything young, attractive and particularly out of bounds.

 

Girls almost have a 6th sense and see it a mile off and being myself simply involves allowing the depression to consume me and results in me looking like someone close to me has died.

 

There is no prospect for me getting out of depression, and the doctors don't know what to do, I've been on some really high doses that make you feel like you're a walking zombie all day.

 

So even if I do get my life together, I will still have to deal with depression with the opposite sex.

[string of letters]

I'm not sure how what you've written is meant to help me.

 

 

There are two separate things at work here. I do realize that people cannot be 'talked out of' severe depression. It's not something that you can just wave a stick it, and I imagine it's pretty inevitable that someone who is depressed is going to be annoyed by suggestions that just thinking about things differently can somehow solve the problem.

 

BUT, if you really can't see how people create traps for themselves with their own beliefs, then there's pretty much nothing anyone can say that will help you. Though looking back, I do see that you mentioned you were 'looking for a shoulder to cry on' and were not explicitly seeking advice.

 

Btw, of course I realized that your 'worshiping at shrines' comment was metaphorical (I would have imagined that my would at least help a little to make this clear). Did you really think I was taking you literally? Or were you just trying to cover your bases by pointing out that it was not to be taken literally?

 

There's probably not anything else I can say, but good luck.

[Tomswrd]

There are two separate things at work here. I do realize that people cannot be 'talked out of' severe depression. It's not something that you can just wave a stick it, and I imagine it's pretty inevitable that someone who is depressed is going to be annoyed by suggestions that just thinking about things differently can somehow solve the problem.

I didn't get annoyed with this and I do know this, but with me it's almost like the chicken and egg argument and which came first? i.e. the thoughts or the depressive emotions first? You are suggesting thoughts first.

 

You see with me I can have a perfectly normal day and then for no apparent reason develop an extremely depressive mood this often happens when I'm tired, then only then do negative thoughts try to surface, and the only thing I can do is not think about them, block them and go and hide preferably in bed until the storm is over.

 

Then there are depressive moods that can be triggered, namely with alcohol or seeing an attractive woman that in my current state and due to my age and lack of experience is out of bounds.

 

So imagine when this occurs when trying to go out and meet women.

 

The doctors have been unable to analyse the cause of my original depression, but I can safely say that it has stolen my youth away and I certainly find that the women issue is now painful when it never used to be.

 

I also have a high libido, which is still high even with ADs, that makes me suffer tremendously, I suppose I have learnt sexual discipline through involuntary abstinence.

 

I think I better end it here, it was not meant to happen, I was not meant to enjoy my youth and have women like every normal person does/did, the whole young relationship thing is over and I certainly missed the boat, just spilled milk now, I'm sick of thinking about it, book closed.

[FrostBlaze]

I can relate to the OP, the first half of his first post is what i am currently. Not 30 yet, but same family problems i have to help and can't continue with uni etc, all that, so i got a half-assed job.

 

All i can say is, love comes when you ain't looking, so it happened to me even if i did **** it up with the girl and i feel like giving up forever.

But don't, eventually you will find someone but first you have to fix yourself.

Right now you are just giving up, low-self esteem and self-pitying/depression, get help.

 

Call me a hypocrite, because i am doing exactly what you are, but i know it's wrong so i can only advise you to do the opposite.

I also have 0 experience with girls, believe me(dating 2 girls for a few months, doesn't equal to much +we never did anything)..soo i don't even feel like trying at my age, same as you.

 

And if you are similar to me in all of these, i might just say that maybe you are also a bit PICKY, you've probably refused girls that wanted you, or didn't notice them xD.

 

So uh STOP LOOKING, it finds you ofc you have to be in a enviroment with women, if you are a couch potato, it won't find you.

Focus on you're career and yourself first, stop self-pitying, my uncle was 35 when he met his woman + many other examples.

[Tomswrd]

It's not self-pity it's reality and it dawned on me 2 years before turning 30..

 

..and no woman has a minute for a great guy, who I know for a fact is damn good in bed because I know what I'm like insatiable is the word (I find it difficult to stop once started), simply because he's got situational problems and suffers from depression and has little experience...

 

..When it comes to relationships I have found women to be totally shallow, ruthless and they also lie to themselves, what they say they want is not want they want. They simply go after those bad boy fags who are so bad I beat one of their faces outside a club for being arrogant and rude in my face, and I am not a violent guy at all, and he still took his stunning groupy girls around him home with a bloody nose..

 

..They confuse arrogance with confidence and then pay the price, the end story still is these *******s get all the girls.. and I'm not looking for marriage because they suddenly realize they want to settle down later which is what they want at my age. I refuse to be marriage material for ex-badboy attractive women, you made your choices you deal with them.

 

I know this sounds jaded but women are definitely the crueler of the two sexes, just go to an all girls boarding school if you need proof and I've ceased to have any sympathy for them. (Except for ugly girls, I would gladly sacrifice my own life if I could make all ugly girls in the world beautiful, I would die a happy man if I could do that)

 

And if you are similar to me in all of these, i might just say that maybe you are also a bit PICKY, you've probably refused girls that wanted you, or didn't notice them xD.

Maybe, but why can't I even get a chance with a girl I find attractive? She may not even be that attractive to others.

 

Why am I still writing, it's over wasn't meant to happen, end of, I missed the boat and a lot of women missed out on a good time but they were to interested in trying to find the ******* they think is a winner and then it's all tears, not my problem anymore, I am effectively a celibate priest from now on.

[string of letters]

 

Why am I still writing, it's over wasn't meant to happen, end of, I missed the boat and a lot of women missed out on a good time but they were to interested in trying to find the ******* they think is a winner and then it's all tears, not my problem anymore, I am effectively a celibate priest from now on.

 

Was meaning to reply to this earlier, but got sidetracked. Maybe what I'm going to say not terribly different from what others have said already, but I think it warrants mentioning.

 

It sounds like you turned 30 pretty recently? With that in mind:

 

- Regardless of what happens - you meet the love of your life tomorrow, or years and years stretch on without meeting anyone at all - you are still going to look back and think '30 was too early to be thinking this fatalistically' or '30 was too young to say 'I totally give up''. I mean, I can't *guarantee* this, but I see a lot of reason to believe this is how the aging process often works.

- I don't talk very much about my personal life on this forum (it's not really why I'm here per se), but I will say one thing. I turned 40 one and a half years ago. Despite being very much an 'age is just a number' person, I basically hit rock bottom right around that time, and had already been in very bad shape throughout the vast majority of my late 30's. However, within a few months I started feeling better and now at 41 1/2 am feeling better than ever. Here's the thing though: the things that were intensely bothering me, regarding the external circumstances of my life when I turned 40 have not changed one bit. Not one bit - all of the change is internal. I'm still bothered by a lot of things, and I certainly have my bad days, but they just can't drag me down like they used to. I'm not going to be glib and say 'If I can do it, so can you', but still it may be something to think about.

[regine_phalange]

You seem like a very sweet guy. Don't let your health problem (because it is a health problem really) get in front of your happiness.

 

You are still very young, only 30 years old for god's shake! 70 years ago, most men in your age were just married, with the only woman of their lifetime, with no previous experiences. It was working more than fine! Really, it's fine that you don't have any experience with women. It's a lot better than fast sex, fast relationships, "using others", "grass is greener always" mentality. At least for me. Struggling with depression is a big thing, and a valid reason. Also you had a lot of courage to leave your career aside in order to support your family. And you are good looking. I'm sure there is someone who will go crazy about you.

 

You don't have anything to fear. Don't worry about anything and don't give up.

[Iguanna]

Dear friend, calm down for a moment and realize the fact first of all that you are not alone, I assure you of that. With the way our lives are these days, studying till 25 years old, then searching for a job, then trying to be successful on the job to get promotions etc etc, there are so many people who reach 30-35 and start wondering "when am I gonna have a decent relationship? when am I gonna get a family?" and they get nervous like you are now. You feel like you are alone, but you aren't. I know this doesn't comfort you cause we all tend to care about ourselves and our problems that seem bigger than the rest's (sorry my english is not very good). What I want to say is, the first thing you got to do is stop feeling like a victim. Ok life has been kinda unfair to you, but there are so many more serious problems in life and we should all be grateful we got our health, we can walk, we can talk, we can see, these "small" things that we take for granted. I understand that you feel that you lost some nice years from 18 to 30, you lost some parties maybe, you lost some fun with friends, cuddling with a girl, sharing dreams with her etc. But do you think that crying about the lost years now will take the time back? It won't. What you got to do is focus on the present and the future. There is a saying that goes "you shouldn't be sad for things you can change and things you can't change". The things you can change, you just do your best and go ahead and change them. The things you can't change, well, you either spend a life mourning for the lost time or you move on and see what you can do best and change the present and future.

I won't tell you the usual nonsense like "you got to love yourself", I find these advises really stupid. What you can practically do is find some time in your every day life to get some hobbies, things you like and find places you can meet people. Careful though, I don't mean bars or clubs or cafes (I don't know what you have where you live). I mean places like public swimming pool, gym, park, galleries etc, depending on your hobbies. Internet can be a good place to meet serious people as well, but you need to be very careful not to attract people who take advantage of people who seem "desperate" for love.

Regarding the main subject that frightens you, the inexperience in sex, I will tell you a secret: there are women who find a man who has not many relationship and sex experiences attractive. They find it romantic, it shows them that this man is not a guy who will sleep with every girl he meets just for the fun, that he is a serious person and they find exciting the fact that they can "teach" him. In my opinion you should be honest with a woman you meet and not try to show her you are something you aren't. But for you to find a woman like this, you got to know what and where you are searching for. You can't go to a bar and find a girl who is there to find someone and get laid and expect her to find it "cute" that you have no relationship experience. I think that you know what I mean. I really don't know how women are where you live, but I'm sure that if you stop being "desperate", if you start having fun in life, doing things you like, meeting new people and making friends, I assure you love will knock on your door sooner than you think.

Good luck!

[Tomswrd]

Regarding the main subject that frightens you, the inexperience in sex, I will tell you a secret: there are women who find a man who has not many relationship and sex experiences attractive. They find it romantic, it shows them that this man is not a guy who will sleep with every girl he meets just for the fun, that he is a serious person and they find exciting the fact that they can "teach" him. In my opinion you should be honest with a woman you meet and not try to show her you are something you aren't. But for you to find a woman like this, you got to know what and where you are searching for. You can't go to a bar and find a girl who is there to find someone and get laid and expect her to find it "cute" that you have no relationship experience.

The main subject that bothers me is not sex, it is that my time is up and I didn't have any or any relationship with it. Believe me in the bedroom department there is no issue, where there is an issue is what happens between meeting a girl and getting with her into bed, that is where I have no experience.

 

Like I said I don't want a marriage or to meet Mrs. Perfect, I just wanted to do what is normal and for various reasons was denied me, yes it is my problem but women are unforgiving also.

 

My time is up for all that, I mean 3 relationships up to now would have been wonderful and normal.

 

I am getting older, I am not in a good situation, younger girls won't want to be with me because there are 25 year olds they could be with who don't have a difficult situation.

 

Around 28 years of age is where your sexual life is meant to be already a fait accompli and people begin focusing on their careers and real life, not so for me.

 

Therefore I conclude I missed out and it is disgraceful and it is over, time to move on.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Tomswrd

[Iguanna]

You have to be honest with the girl you meet. Tell her, I have no relationship experience, please guide me, please help me with this. Many of them will leave, I won't lie. But the one who will matter will stay and together you will get to know each other. Being in a relationship is not something you learn by practice cause every person is different. Be honest, be straight, express your fears, express your true feelings, and someone will appreciate it. Don't give up.

[Tomswrd]

You have to be honest with the girl you meet. Tell her, I have no relationship experience, please guide me, please help me with this. Many of them will leave, I won't lie. But the one who will matter will stay and together you will get to know each other. Being in a relationship is not something you learn by practice cause every person is different. Be honest, be straight, express your fears, express your true feelings, and someone will appreciate it. Don't give up.

 

Well like I said before I'm not looking for Mrs. Right or marriage, rather just to have done the normal things in life most of us do and are supposed to do.

 

I am done trying, the book is closed, I missed the boat. Won't be replying anymore. Thanks for trying to help, it cannot be helped it is tragic and I'd rather walk away than continue to suffer.

 

I have to think about my career at my age like everyone else, the time for doing what I was supposed to have done is gone.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Tomswrd

[Eggplant]

While a lot of posters here say forget about women until you get your act together, I'm not sure about this advice. If everybody waited to start living their lives until we all got everything perfect and scored an emotional A+ in the psych's office, there would be no human beings on Earth because nobody would ever solve themselves in time, as life is SHORT. Fake it till you make it. That's what everybody else is doing, anyway.

[Tomswrd]

life is SHORT.

Erm no it's not, people only say that because they think in terms of their repetitive present, I'm 30 and since being 20 it feels like an eternity and a pretty **** 10 years.

 

I have actively looked perhaps too hard, I'm done with it all, missed the boat. Wasn't and am NOT looking for marriage, still haven't done the basics yet and won't because that time is gone.. Closed book..

Edited November 28, 2013 by Tomswrd