Male 30 never been in a relationship..

[somedude81]

Really? Please explain what point or points you are trying to make.

 

Since you never been in a relationship, you have absolutely nothing to base anything you wrote on.

 

My biggest issue is your last paragraph, you talk as if you know something but really all you can do is repeat what you've heard others say.

 

You're just listing a bunch of bad scenarios.

 

Lastly, you said so yourself that you are fine being single, then because of that, you aren't able to relate to the OP's feelings.

[Big Blue Box]

Big blue box, if you had read through the thread you would see that it was not me who brought the phrase or idea of entitlement.

 

Point taken. However, you have been giving off that vibe that you have felt that you were entitled to experience a relationship or sex.

 

I do not want to meet the woman of my dreams for exactly the reason you have posted.

 

Then don't go looking. Simply live your life and enjoy the pleasures that it gives as several people have advised. You don't need to have a woman in your life or have relationship experience to enjoy life.

 

The reason I would get clingy or obsessed or depressed or other, would only be because of my lack of experience and the fact that I should have had the same experiences all my peers around me had, don't tell me it's normal to be 31 and never had a meaningfull "experience" let alone "relationship" with a member of the opposite sex, its not normal and a red flag in psychiatry after 25, this is a statistical fact.

 

Maybe it is normal, maybe it isn't. Then again, what is "normal" anyways? Don't live according to societal standards as to what makes you happy, live by your own standards as long as those standards don't harm anyone.

 

Given I am so out of time with catching up, I will always be conscious of that, unlike other people who did what was normal at the age and time you were supposed to do it. If you disagree with me on this, tell me a 60 year old can comfortably go out and start dating 20 year olds. Tell me that all the girls and friends around me are not getting or are not already married.

 

There is no way to resolve this issue now it is a fait accompli. There are 21 year olds with more experience than I, and they will not have these problems at 31 because they will have done what every normal person on this planet does and then settle down.

 

So what? Why should that interfere with your own life? The only reason it is affecting your ability to enjoy life is because you are letting it.

 

You keep bringing up therapy as an answer. I have had it for nearly 10 years on and off and I am still not better, I have been on very high doses of medication, all they did was make me a zombie and let the years slip by faster.

 

Yes, I keep bringing that up because it could help. If you don't want to take drugs they can't force you to do so unless you pose a threat to yourself or to others. I do have to admit that if this thread is any indication then you may not have taken counselling all that seriously if you did take it seriously at all.

[Big Blue Box]

Since you never been in a relationship, you have absolutely nothing to base anything you wrote on.

 

My biggest issue is your last paragraph, you talk as if you know something but really all you can do is repeat what you've heard others say.

 

On the contrary, I not only learn by my own mistakes in life but observing the mistakes and experiences of others. Trust me, I have seen plenty of mistakes.

 

You're just listing a bunch of bad scenarios.

 

Scenarios that could happen if the OP doesn't get his depression in check. Hell, if it doesn't happen no one will want to be around him and his depression will get much worse. Not many people like to hang around those that put off negative vibes.

 

Lastly, you said so yourself that you are fine being single, then because of that, you aren't able to relate to the OP's feelings.

 

On the contrary, I almost know what he is going through. Hell, I was depressed for a while because I could never date like other men around me were doing. Going from one date to another while I was single. I learned to just simply get over it and live my life. There is more to life that just dating and relationships. If the OP wants to keep doing the same thing then that is his prerogative. However, one person once said "The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Many people here have given him solid advice and he chooses to ignore it while whining that he never had experienced a relationship in his 20s.

[somedude81]

On the contrary, I not only learn by my own mistakes in life but observing the mistakes and experiences of others. Trust me, I have seen plenty of mistakes.

Seeing and experiencing mistakes are too completely different things.

 

 

Scenarios that could happen if the OP doesn't get his depression in check. Hell, if it doesn't happen no one will want to be around him and his depression will get much worse. Not many people like to hang around those that put off negative vibes.

 

Lots of things could happen.

 

Another scenario is that his depression could go away once he gets established in a relationship and the depression ceases to be an issue.

 

That's what happened to me.

 

On the contrary, I almost know what he is going through. Hell, I was depressed for a while because I could never date like other men around me were doing. Going from one date to another while I was single. I learned to just simply get over it and live my life.

Not everybody can just give up and be happy being single. If that works for you great.

[Tomswrd]

Big Blue Box having read over your posts again you strike me as a bit of a know it all. Let's pick out what you have said.

 

Then don't go looking. Simply live your life and enjoy the pleasures that it gives as several people have advised. You don't need to have a woman in your life or have relationship experience to enjoy life.

Except that the statistics clearly show you do need to at least have a meaningful experience with the opposite sex and that being young is very much part of it. Some people enjoy being single because they are able and quite ok with having one night stands.

 

Everyone around me thinks I just have one night stands, if they only knew the truth.

 

Then don't go looking. Simply live your life and enjoy the pleasures that it gives as several people have advised. You don't need to have a woman in your life or have relationship experience to enjoy life.

Well this is what I was doing in my mid-20s, and it did not resolve anything or the issue. At 28 I realised I was in trouble in that department, waiting and trying to get better from depression.

 

So what? Why should that interfere with your own life? The only reason it is affecting your ability to enjoy life is because you are letting it.

Part of enjoying life is doing what is normal, i.e. interacting with the opposite sex.

 

Maybe it is normal, maybe it isn't. Then again, what is "normal" anyways? Don't live according to societal standards as to what makes you happy, live by your own standards as long as those standards don't harm anyone.

It has nothing to do with society and everything to do with nature. Puberty starts at around 10-16 (late in extreme cases). Not 50-60 years of age.

 

Nature dictates that a 60 year old will not be as attractive as a 25 year old for a 22 year old.

 

Society has nothing to do with that for the umpteenth time.

 

I do have to admit that if this thread is any indication then you may not have taken counselling all that seriously if you did take it seriously at all.

Really because you are a psychiatrist, qualified therapist and/or counsellor? The exercises I learnt in cognitive behavioural therapy can help me control the bouts, but what about when I in a social situation and I have to leave and go home to make it pass?

 

Yes, I keep bringing that up because it could help. If you don't want to take drugs they can't force you to do so unless you pose a threat to yourself or to others.

Again because you are a qualified Psychiatrist? I came off very slowly by the book and certainly relapsed a few times. The reason I'm not going back on? Because it made me into the zombie that lost several years because of it.

 

On the contrary, I almost know what he is going through. Hell, I was depressed for a while because I could never date like other men around me were doing. Going from one date to another while I was single. I learned to just simply get over it and live my life. There is more to life that just dating and relationships. If the OP wants to keep doing the same thing then that is his prerogative. However, one person once said "The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Many people here have given him solid advice and he chooses to ignore it while whining that he never had experienced a relationship in his 20s.

All you have done is run away from the problem and put a tough man act on, because clearly you would have loved to have some relationships like other guys, instead you just denied yourself and papered it over with a "love my life" affirmation.

 

That tough man know it all act is in my opinion worse than coming clean with yourself, as you said you have never had a relationship, (how old are you?) because if you are above 25 you'd better see someone about it. How do I know this? Because I did the same and wasted very important years of my life because of that attitude..

 

As for whining I am not whining, stop telling me what I'm doing or putting words in my mouth that's not just you but others.

 

When I state I am too old to do what I was supposed to do, I state it is a fact, even my therapist (a good looking woman in her 40s btw) couldn't counter me on that one, because there are too many layers to break through (experience, societal norms, past mental conditioning in situations, depression, self-esteem etc. etc.) even if I do accept it which I am refusing to do. I do not wish to live in the present compensating for my past and I refuse to live without such a crucial part of one's life.

 

I really understand the phrase "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"... never really considered it when I was younger.

Edited July 17, 2014 by Tomswrd

[Big Blue Box]

Seeing and experiencing mistakes are too completely different things.

 

While that may be true it doesn't mean we can't learn from others.

 

 

 

 

Lots of things could happen.

 

Another scenario is that his depression could go away once he gets established in a relationship and the depression ceases to be an issue.

 

That's what happened to me.

 

Excellent point and I agree. There are many things that could happen. However, the most common scenario that I have seen both on the internet and IRL is those that lack experience and are depressed as to why they lack experience will have their symptoms of depression subside for a while. However, they will put their SO on a pedestal and make him or her a saint then become clingy which causes tension between the couple. Finally things go south and then any number of things could go wrong and the person is back to square one.

 

It sounds like the approach you used was to not let the past dictate your future and instead learn from it and move on. If I were to, hypothetically speaking, start dating again then that would be the approach I would take and I would not use the fact that I lack any relationship experience as a crutch or in any other way. However, I am perfectly fine with being single permanently as I am more focused on my career and I do not want any distractions in that part of my life right now. One thing the OP has stated he does not want to date. Does he actually want to remain single forever or is he just saying that? Only the OP knows the answer to that one.

 

 

Not everybody can just give up and be happy being single. If that works for you great.

 

True and that is why the choice is his to make because only he can know what is truly in his heart. Either way he needs to let go of the past and move forward and, if he does want to date, learn from the mistakes from his past that caused him to be single for so long.

 

Another point about depression I would like to add is diet may be partly responsible. After all, proteins and certain vitamins are the building blocks for numerous neurotransmitters. For example, tryptophan is an amino acid that is a precursor to both serotonin and melatonin. Vitamin B6 and magnesium are thought to enhance the effect. It is way more complicated than that but that is just a part of the basics.My theory is the lack of any of those coupled with the pressure from society to fit into a mold that society wants us all to fit into is the biggest part of depression. While I still do have bouts of depression I learned the best way to overcome it is to face it rather than let it consume me.

[Big Blue Box]

Big Blue Box having read over your posts again you strike me as a bit of a know it all. Let's pick out what you have said.

 

Except that the statistics clearly show you do need to at least have a meaningful experience with the opposite sex and that being young is very much part of it. Some people enjoy being single because they are able and quite ok with having one night stands.

 

Everyone around me thinks I just have one night stands, if they only knew the truth.

 

Well a little more about me. I never had sex in either a relationship or a one night stand. Hell, I never even had sex period, not even with a prostitute. Does it bother me? Not at all.

 

Well this is what I was doing in my mid-20s, and it did not resolve anything or the issue. At 28 I realised I was in trouble in that department, waiting and trying to get better from depression.

 

Part of enjoying life is doing what is normal, i.e. interacting with the opposite sex.

 

It has nothing to do with society and everything to do with nature. Puberty starts at around 10-16 (late in extreme cases). Not 50-60 years of age.

 

Nature dictates that a 60 year old will not be as attractive as a 25 year old for a 22 year old.

 

 

 

Society has nothing to do with that for the umpteenth time.

 

That is where you are wrong. There are men in their 50s that have girlfriends in their 20s. At one time society frowned upon that. Today society is indeed pressuring people into not only having sex and experience a relationship at such a young age but but everyone must have such experience period or they are judged. Society is cold and callous, wanting everyone to fit a certain "mold" so to speak. However, society is not completely responsible. We as individuals also put ourselves through torture by trying to "keep up with the Jonses." That coupled with entitlement attitudes that more and more people are getting is it any wonder depression is on the rise, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

 

Really because you are a psychiatrist, qualified therapist and/or counsellor? The exercises I learnt in cognitive behavioural therapy can help me control the bouts, but what about when I in a social situation and I have to leave and go home to make it pass?

 

Again because you are a qualified Psychiatrist? I came off very slowly by the book and certainly relapsed a few times. The reason I'm not going back on? Because it made me into the zombie that lost several years because of it.

 

No, I am not a psychiatrist, therapist, or counselor. I don't know everything but I do know when someone is making up excuses and you have loads of them.

 

All you have done is run away from the problem and put a tough man act on, because clearly you would have loved to have some relationships like other guys, instead you just denied yourself and papered it over with a "love my life" affirmation.

 

That tough man know it all act is in my opinion worse than coming clean with yourself, as you said you have never had a relationship, (how old are you?) because if you are above 25 you'd better see someone about it. How do I know this? Because I did the same and wasted very important years of my life because of that attitude..

 

I will be 40 soon and I do see someone about it, the man in the mirror. I decided a while back to just throw the excuses away and just live my life to the fullest. I look at my life as I would a glass, as half full rather than half empty. I look at the blessings in my life rather than the things I lack and I only compare myself to me. Comparing myself to others was one of the reasons I was depressed. My choice now not to date is my choice because I am focused on my career and other things I find more important in life.

 

 

As for whining I am not whining, stop telling me what I'm doing or putting words in my mouth that's not just you but others.

 

When I state I am too old to do what I was supposed to do, I state it is a fact, even my therapist (a good looking woman in her 40s btw) couldn't counter me on that one, because there are too many layers to break through (experience, societal norms, past mental conditioning in situations, depression, self-esteem etc. etc.) even if I do accept it which I am refusing to do. I do not wish to live in the present compensating for my past and I refuse to live without such a crucial part of one's life.

 

I really understand the phrase "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"... never really considered it when I was younger.

 

In other words you admit you refuse to let go of your past and you prefer to live in it. That is why I have said you are simply whining because you have chosen to live in the past while coming here to write about it while you are refusing to take any advice given to you. I have read your posts and, IMHO, all of them scream out "attention seeker." You have three choices:

1. Get over your past, face your depression head on, and start dating again.

2. Get over your past, face your depression head on, and focus on other aspects of your life.

3. Continue to whine about something about your past you can't change and refuse to shape your future while have some control to shape it.

 

You can choose whatever you want nut choosing three will only cause you to miss out on your 30s, 40s, and the rest of your life. I am not just talking about losing out on potential relationships but also your career, your hobbies, As for your therapist I can see why she didn't counter you on it. My guess is she just gave up and realized you are just coming up with excuse after excuse and refuse to change. Hell, you even admitted on here that you refuse to change. You can either throw away your excuses and enjoy what you do have in your life and expand upon that, or you can wallow in your misery and let it eat away at what you do have in your life. The choice is yours and no one can make it for you. Think about the advice everyone has given you and reflect upon it.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Big Blue Box

[Big Blue Box]

I read in an article that back in 1800 if a guy was a virgin past a certain, it usually would not have been an issue for him as it is today, he wouldn't be laughed at or judged really, im guessing there was some sexual revolution back in the 20th centuey that changed all of this

 

Excellent point. At that point in time people were not judged like they are today for being virgins. The sexual revolution in the mid-late 20th century changed all of that. However, before that people were judged for having sex outside of marriage because of the societal norms that were in place. No matter what people will do they will be judged so it is better to give society the middle finger and live as an individual. If someone wants to have a string of one night stands every night for a year then more power to them. If someone wants to never have sex then that is their prerogative as well. The same goes if whether someone wants to date then be in a relationship with a member of the same or different gender, or if they want to remain single for the rest of their lives. One thing I do disagree with it is not just men affected by the cold, harsh judgement of society, women are also feeling this as well.

[Tomswrd]

Big blue box I'm not entirely sure you are trying to help, it does sound like you are just reinforcing and validating your own position. Let me explain why in so many way this does you no good whatsoever.

 

First of all I'd like to point out rather than actually reading my responses you have on several occasions simply assumed then fabricated an argument around it. I am not going to make presumptions like you and simply respond to what you have written.

 

For example.

 

My guess is she just gave up and realized you are just coming up with excuse after excuse and refuse to change.

No because given my mental history and health situation it is simply impossible to ask for what was normal in life, and my therapist knows it. That will be the last assumption I'm responding to.

 

I will be 40 soon and I do see someone about it, the man in the mirror. I decided a while back to just throw the excuses away and just live my life to the fullest. I look at my life as I would a glass, as half full rather than half empty. I look at the blessings in my life rather than the things I lack and I only compare myself to me. Comparing myself to others was one of the reasons I was depressed. My choice now not to date is my choice because I am focused on my career and other things I find more important in life.

Sorry but you are just burying your head in the sand with this and it will come back to bite you when you are even older.

 

You need to accept that it is abnormal to be in your position at such an age and get some help about it, you are not capable of doing it yourself, whatever you have done to date is the reason you have not done what is normal. I never had situational depression, I have chemical depression, I had no reason to feel sad about my life in my 20s.

 

So doing the tough man act, (which is what I did throughout my 20s regarding women) does nothing but waste time.

 

You need to seek help, if you are situationally depressed it can be dealt with.

 

Excellent point. At that point in time people were not judged like they are today for being virgins. The sexual revolution in the mid-late 20th century changed all of that. However, before that people were judged for having sex outside of marriage because of the societal norms that were in place. No matter what people will do they will be judged so it is better to give society the middle finger and live as an individual. If someone wants to have a string of one night stands every night for a year then more power to them. If someone wants to never have sex then that is their prerogative as well. The same goes if whether someone wants to date then be in a relationship with a member of the same or different gender, or if they want to remain single for the rest of their lives. One thing I do disagree with it is not just men affected by the cold, harsh judgement of society, women are also feeling this as well.

This is not true, even Marshall Ney was considered abnormal for not being married in his 30s (implies sexual relationship), the man was not intelligent but a very courageous fighter "bravest of the brave" according to Napoleon, but totally shy with women.. The only way he was married is he was forced into a marriage by the Emperor.

 

So being tough with yourself has nothing to do with success with the opposite sex, if anything it doesn't help it at all.

 

1. Get over your past, face your depression head on, and start dating again.

2. Get over your past, face your depression head on, and focus on other aspects of your life.

3. Continue to whine about something about your past you can't change and refuse to shape your future while have some control to shape it.

 

You can choose whatever you want nut choosing three will only cause you to miss out on your 30s, 40s, and the rest of your life.

Or I can accept that depression won and leave.

 

I won't be writing anymore, thanks for those who tried to help.

[2011]

I know you said you had depression but it almost feels like you are really knocking yourself down to make things really worse than they are.

 

Have you heard the expression only believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear. I, like you was a late bloomer (lost virginity at 36) and struggle with feelings of doubt, loneliness and just all out lack of confidence.

 

If you are constantly thinking about others and how they seem to have the oh so perfect girl, job, life etc then you are basically putting these people on a pedestal and making yourself feel worse, I know I done it for years and still do it, but I recognise it now and talk myself out of it.

 

I find interacting with women, even now still really difficult and hardly ever have a GF I'e been single for a year, which ironically is the longest in the last sort of 4 years as I had a line of GFs but mostly didn't last long as I was **** at how to treat them and keep a relationship going. Longest was 2 years.

 

So it's not only you, more people than you imagine struggle with most everyday things like relationships, studying, getting a ojb, staying out of debt but they mask over it and lie to people.

 

Hope that helps a bit

 

Oh and go on youtube and look for a guy called Corey Wayne he does a lot of life and relationship advice, he's the only person I found really good at this type of thing.

 

For now

 

2011

 

I would be happy to be in a job earning just half of what they earn, it's not about looking at others, but there is a time and a place for everything, 80 is not the age to start dating.

 

I'm not looking for a serious marriage relationship, I just want to have what I should have had and what all normal people have, I will never have that now. Seems like even trying to date is pointless as I have so many things going against me?

 

Which 22 year old attractive girl would want me when there are better choices just a year or so older than her. Not to mention the experience and games girls play, and girls can smell depression a mile off no matter how hard I try to conceal it, even if I take extra anti-depressants before going out.