boyfriend's online porn addiction and cyber-emails "sorta cheating??"

[confused_kitty]

Hello all, first time poster, long-time reader!

 

I searched through thread after thread, but my situation is a little different.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We've been living together for over 2 years. I'm 21 and he's 24 and we go to college together.

 

Let me start off by saying I have ZERO problem with porn. Most of the porn in our house is owned and selected by me and we watch it together often. I'm not crazy about viewing porn online, but it doesn't really bother me all that much either. I knew my boyfriend looked at porn online often. But recently I discovered an email he was writing to some unknown girl. It seemed to be one of those generic generated ones that he was replying to. However, in his second reply he mentioned that his girlfriend of four years (me!) would be out of town for a week and that he was looking for something with "no strings attached."

 

I was devastated because the date of the email (August 04) was actually dated at a time that I WAS going out of town for a week. There was nothing more though to it. Just two emails he sent. One was a first response to her first email of a photo I presume, and the other was a response to her email suggesting she was looking for a one night stand. I also found that he had an account with adultfriendfinder.com and had a profile put together but nothing too drastic happening there.

 

I was so upset when I read it that I checked his chat logs but there was nothing in there that suggested more contact.

 

I called him at work about it and he was completely distraught. First he said that he was going through a phase where he wanted to maybe cheat and hated being tied down while in college but that he came to his senses and nothing ever happened and he barely remembered that email and he never heard from the girl or anything.

 

When he got home he later confessed that his first excuses was a lie and the REAL reason was so embarrassing for him that he didn't want to say it at work. He said it was really that he had an online porn addiction and that he got off by emailing that stuff and looking for people to desire him and that it got him off. He said he was mortified that he masturbates nearly 3 times a day and that it's gotten to the point where he rather masturbate than have sex with me because he's "too damn lazy."

 

I then brought up a past occurrence where I was using his AOL account (back when that's all we had was his screenname to use) and a girl IMed me asking me (him) if he wanted her to call him again so he could hear her cum. He denied it, then, saying it was just a prank him & his friend where pulling on dumb online girls (which was plausible b/c his friend is an online ho that leads on girls.) Well, he confessed that it was him cybering with the girl, but when she called him, he just hung up on her. He said he tries to go cyber with girls, but gets so embarrassed and feels it's wrong that he stops or doesn't do it.

 

He's devastated and crying more than I am that I want to leave him, which I was thinking about immensely. He said that he hasn't cybered with anyone since that AOL incident long time ago, and that the email was so long ago and that he's never cheated and hasn't done anything like emailing people since August. He's mostly upset that he's hurt me so much and scared I'm leaving him because he knows I don't put up with the s***.

 

I told him I'd stay and that we would work on his "addiction." But, I don't know HOW serious I should be taking this. He's not the shady guy type *they never are I guess* but I do believe he's never cheated on me. I just don't know if I'm setting myself up for another devastating fall. The worst thing is, in a month he'll be moving away for a job (12 hours away) and we were going to do the whole long-distance thing till I graduate in summer. Any advice or even opinions???

[Pocky]

If he's serious about his addiction then he needs to seek professional advice. Is there a counselor on his campus that he can visit? I work at a university and we have professional staff available to students that need assistance.

[confused_kitty]

He said he was willing to go to counseling for our relationship and his problem. He says he'll do anything and will work on his "problem." I saw that he deleted his Adultfriendfinder.com account last night along with googling "How to delete an AIM screenname." I'm assuming he could have been chatting with girls under some other SN.

 

Our University DOES offer free counseling. I know they do couples and sexual counseling as well. We will see if they are qualified for any sort of addiction therapy. I wish I could just cut the Internet altogether but I'm a web designer and that damn Internet is my livelihood.

 

He's be having anxiety attacks and crying since I confronted him yesterday about it. He's still scared I'm leaving him. Sometimes I think I can get over it and maybe it was nothing "really big" anyway. But then I remember what he wrote and all the pain comes back and knowing that we may never be the same again hurts and makes me think I should leave.

[Pocky]

Kitty could you register? I'd like to send you a PM - unfortunately,nothing concerning your post - But I'd like to pick your brain regarding an area you'd be knowledgeable in.

[confused_kitty]

I'm registered now. You may contact me.

[Pocky]

You need to enable private messages though Can't send you one, yet.

[confused_kitty]

I checked it and it says "yes" next to enable private message but it's not letting me send any or anything to you. It's obvioulsy b/c I'm not very "active" on the board. This is my first post. you can email me [email protected]

[Adunaphel]

But, I don't know HOW serious I should be taking this.

 

I think you should take it very seriously.

 

He realized and acknowledges that he has a problem, and he is willing to go to counseling and to work on his problem.....if he's serious about this, he might deserve a chance.

 

You are risking a lot of heartache if you stay with this guy, but since he sounds willing to do something for his problem it might be worth it, and there might be a good chance of fixing things.

If you decide to stay with him, I strongly advise you dump him if he falls into emailing other girls (with the intent to try to cyber with them) again and you catch him.

 

He hurt you with his behaviour - do you think you could ever get over it?

Will you ever be able to trust him when you'll be living 12 hours away?

Think carefully about this before making a decision.

 

Has he considered getting rid of his computer? Or at least not to have an internet connection at home? It might be healtier for him.

[aarsky]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, although in my case I am the culprit. My girlfriend and I (or I should say now ex g/f) were very much in love. We lived together for about a year and a half and one month after I moved in I was chatting with other women in chat rooms , with very sexual content. And the thing was I had never done this before I ever met her.

 

After telling her I was done with it the first time she caught me, I began doing it at my place of employment and lost my job because of it, which to this day, I regret horribly. I have realized that it had become an addiction.

 

If the two of you are serious about staying together even as a distant realtionship, this is something that he needs to deal withby seeking help. I myself started going to a group called Sexaholics Anonymous, which was a group of men all with the same problem, an addiction to sex. Internet porn, constant thoughts of being with women, excessive masterbation, all sorts of sexually related tendencies are discussed in the meetings.

 

He may want to check out what is available in the area that he will be going away to. especailly if you are not around to be with, he may be inclined to do more of this bad behavior without some real guidance along the way. My problem is that I never stick to anything I start so after I stopped going to the meetings I began with the behavior again.

 

Its becoming a bigger problem each and every day adn if you really love each other, be there for him as suport, for it is difficult to go though something like this alone. Not a day goes by still that I dont think of how I ruined such a great thing that I had with this woman and if there was a genie who could give me a second chance to be with her, I wouldnt want to wish for anything else in this world but to have her back in my life.

 

If he's worth it then help him through because true love onlyu comes around once in your life in my opinion, and mine is now gone.

 

Good luck!

[Jill89]

Kitty, like you, I've searched the internet for info on how to deal with a mate having cybersex ~ not a whole lot is written about this topic. I'm sorry for anyone who has a mate addicted to cybersex, but it is a relief to finally find someone who understands the hurt.

 

And it IS and addiction. Your boyfriend needs to have counseling for a LONG time to try to break this habit. Otherwise, he will just get sneakier about the cheating and the lies.

 

I will try to post my story under the marriage forum if you care to read about my situation. I hope you and your b/f are able to tough it out and that he is worth it.

 

Funny how we doubt ourselves when THEY'RE the one who is being dishonest.

[confused_kitty]

Thank you everyone, we are getting into the process of making the best of this help-wise. We're very busy at the moment with school coming to a close and family visiting. He is no longer moving off and will search long and hard here for a Job opportunity within his field until I can graduate. He promised to ONLY move if there is nothing here AND he gets a job somewhere else, but he will NOT move just to look for a job given our current circumstances.

 

Knowing there are others out there that are finding difficulties with this helps. And I agree that I've found a few things on the net concerning cybering partners, nothing is really as helpful as I thought. We are going to look into some literature and when the University re-opens we will see if the counseling offered there could help our particular situation .