A Long Way

[brokenblade]

I know people change a lot throughout their lives, but I feel that I am a completely different person from just 1 year ago. There is still a little bit of my old self that creeps back in.

 

Up until a year ago, I was a wreck. I was completely paranoid, and was extremely bothered and aggravated by who I was. I was far from where I wanted to be in every aspect of my life. I wanted to be in much better shape, I wanted to be more financially stable, (I am actually without a roof over my head, have been that way for over 5 years) and more than that, I wanted a relationship.

 

I couldn't take a compliment (I didn't always argue it, but whenever anyone gave me a compliment, it was either on something that didn't mean anything to me, or I just thought in my mind, "yeah right.") I felt as if everyone was out to get me, especially for the past year when I got stalked. More on that later.

 

A little background. I used to get picked on a lot by certain immediate family members. Not every immediate family member picked on me. It was always one. After a while of such treatment, I wrote that family member off as hopeless. I realized that he would never accept me. He told me in many ways that I was a screw up and no one would have anything to do with me. I internalized that and expected that.

 

According to certain brands of the laws of attraction, I should have been completely alone. All life has proven to me is that one person's views is not the be all end all view... unless he's God of course. At my low state, I have attracted people, including girls/women that I was extremely attracted to.

 

One girl that I found out had a crush on me, this was back in 6th grade. I first saw her, I found her so attractive that I just assumed that she wouldn't even give me a second look. I still didn't believe that she saw me in that light, but apparently she did. I sabotaged myself. However, if I hadn't, my family member would have sabotaged me.

 

But that is enough of my background. Back to the past five years. For all of 2009 until spring of 2013, I was a confused wreck. To make things worse, starting early 2012, I found out I was being stalked by some creep perverted guy. Also, going by the things he says, he is very delusional and probably narcissistic. At the beginning I was concerned and wondering what he could want from me, then he said something that confirmed my suspicions of what he wanted. I wasn't about to let him get that. Coupled with that, I started getting harassed by others.

 

As soon as I got the opportunity, I blew that part of town and came to my current part of town to start over. This was around January of 2013. At that point, I was such a wreck to the point where it was not good for any guy to come within 3 feet of me (I didn't lash out or anything).

 

Around March of this year, one of my few friends left the area. I felt like I was losing all of my friends since another friend of mine died. For the first time, I faced the fear that I was going to be all alone. I've finally experienced loneliness. Until then, I always chanted my mantra; "Better alone than in bad company." Didn't help this time. I began considering ending my life in the summer.

 

It was at that point where my mind just changed (probably due to the Holy Spirit ). I had this idea to actually reach out to people. It was at this point that I began my road to recovery. Now, I still had to deal with certain issues like inadequacy. However, my new people in my life have convinced me that they value me.

 

Many people that have known me throughout the recent years and even recent months have talked to me and told me about how I have come a long way. I have literally went from standoffish and even paranoid to someone who actually reaches out and talks to people.

 

As of now, I have a greater sense of well being. I am surrounded by people who actually appreciate me. I even have a few possibilities for a relationship. While I have come a long way, I still feel I have a long way to go. I am working on talking less about myself and actually taking interest in the person I'm talking to.