Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[brcc]

I have three kids, a happy household, at least everyone else is. We've been married 22 years. For 21 of them she was verbally abusive toward me as she had ptsd from a traumatic childhood/past. I never loved her to begin with but stuck by her because she needed help. Now I'm 42 and desperately in love with a woman at work and she is with me. I haven't cheated but want to. Want to end my marriage but don't want to hurt my kids/family. Please help.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Your wife and kids will be hurt. No way around it.

 

 

 

If you truly want to minimize damage...beyond already falling in love and she with you. Then exit the marriage honourably. Keep your self respect, respect towards your children, your spouse, your new partner intact. The only way to do that is to be honest.

[Realist3]

At least you cut to the chase with brevity. End it.

[bentleychic]

Your wife and kids will be hurt. No way around it.

 

 

 

If you truly want to minimize damage...beyond already falling in love and she with you. Then exit the marriage honourably. Keep your self respect, respect towards your children, your spouse, your new partner intact. The only way to do that is to be honest.

Precisely. Exactly. It will hurt either way. End it honorably.

[brcc]

That's my plan for sure. Get a 4 bdroom apt nearby for the kids, let them decorate their rooms as they like, cover the walls with their drawings, keep taking them to school, go to all their events, be there for them in every way. Trouble is my wife knows about all this and threatens to take legal action, take the kids away, etc. I want to remain best friends but she doesn't. She's always loved me and doesn't want to let go.

 

Thanks for your candid response.

Edited November 7, 2013 by brcc

[bentleychic]

Unless you've done something bad (abuse, etc.) her threats are all hollow. If you've not done anything bad, she cannot legally keep the kids from you nor have any grounds for legal action. Since she already knows (knows what since you haven't done anything with your coworker?) it sounds like the sooner you separate, the better so the kids do not have to deal with the toxicity between the two of you.

[brcc]

Wife knows that I had feelings for the coworker (still do, strongly, but she doesn't know that part), knows that I talked about our marital problems with the other woman.

 

The kids have no idea, we've created a little utopia for them. They're very happy. We're a loving family for all intents and purposes, so there's nothing toxic about it except for the depression I've kept inside for 22 years.

 

It's just hard because it's the single most selfish thing I'll ever do in my life. Obviously I'm pretty passive and repressed.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Wife knows that I had feelings for the coworker (still do, strongly, but she doesn't know that part), knows that I talked about our marital problems with the other woman.

 

The kids have no idea, we've created a little utopia for them. They're very happy. We're a loving family for all intents and purposes, so there's nothing toxic about it except for the depression I've kept inside for 22 years.

 

It's just hard because it's the single most selfish thing I'll ever do in my life. Obviously I'm pretty passive and repressed.

 

 

If you have been depressed for 22 years, I would suggest you go see a therapist.

 

You state you have talked to the OW about marital problems then state there is nothing toxic only your depression.

 

someone who is passive is hard to be in a relationship with. They have a tendency to build resentments. They tend to not take responsibility for their role in any breakdown. Being passive usually means that you are not a good communicator. Usually putting the onus/responsibility on the other party for fixing or being the problem.

 

You probably need help to self advocate before you blow your life up.

[brcc]

Sorry I exaggerated. I haven't been depressed for 22 years. I just have quietly carried this feeling that she wasn't the one for me.

 

jlola, I knew she wasn't the one the first moment I saw her. I'd had 7 girlfriends total before her, was in college, and she's gorgeous and had eyes for me... I thought I'll have my first one night stand with this girl and move on, but of course we continued to have sex, and it turned into a cyclical pattern of me trying to leave her, her begging me to stay, and I acquiesce. This happened 16 times, 5 before we were married. I asked her to marry me as a peace offering, thinking, if I do this, you'll turn things around and be kind to me, because she rarely was. But it never stopped. Then we had kids, again, I was thinking this would turn things around but she was verbally abusive to them, as her parents were to her.

 

I've been in therapy plenty over the last year, as has she, and she's turned things around finally, because her back was really against the wall this time, because of this sitch with the OW. But I still have no feelings of real love for her aside from friendship, respect, caring that she is the mother of my children, etc.

 

AlwaysGrowing, the toxic thing is the lack of feeling. I've always known she wasn't "the one". Talk about colossal mistakes. Regardless, we have great communication now, a super relationship with our kids, and we still have great sex too, which complicates things needless to say. It's just I feel we're never on the same wavelength though and she does. To me she is vapid a lot of the time, I look down on her... I wish I didn't but I do.

 

The therapists told me you can become addicted to fixing someone, and she needed help, having been raped once, raised by a non-violent alcoholic father and a mother in denial. She was very hard to be with but I always stayed faithful and took care of her out of a sense of duty.

 

Enter this other brilliant, focused, courageous, compassionate, funny, stunning other woman who I feel with every fiber of my being is "the one", and she's the same. At the beginning, she told me she wanted her next boyfriend to worship her. I said she was lovely in so many ways. Never settle for anyone who doesn't worship you. That was a Friday. I walked into our dailies meeting the next Monday and she had tears in her eyes when she saw me. This went on for weeks, with her trying to hide it. I melted. Fell so hard for her. I cried every night going home for weeks myself, and would then have to compose myself for family life.

 

That was a year ago. About 6 months ago, after our work project ended, and after talking in her office about my wife, which I know is a betrayal, the OW and I split, before we ever got together, knowing that I'm married and she didn't want to be the other woman. But we both still want to be together. I can see how torn up she is about everything and it kills me, but I'm trying to do the right thing, stay true, honor my vows, etc. And most of all I love my kids and don't want to break their hearts.

 

Re: what you said about passive people, I'm exactly what you described- I build up resentment and I am definitely guilty of shifting blame. I think I'm a pretty solid communicator though. My wife, by her own admission, is only just starting to listen and participate in our communication/marriage, for which I'm very grateful. I don't blame her for the past anymore, those were just the cards she was dealt, and she's handled them with strength and perseverance. I just that don't love her in "that way", never have, and try as I might, I can't, especially when I'm thinking about the OW 24/7. When I'm there with my wife though, I'm there, kind, tender, supportive. I'm trying to spare her from this as much as I can because I don't want to hurt her either- which has always been my problem! I just don't want to crush her.

 

We've been to joint and individual marriage councelling and I've been to another therapist as well. The therapist told me to cheat, so I stopped seeing him. I've had 5 or 6 other chances to cheat over the course of my marriage and survived those, mostly because I wasn't really into the women, so I didn't want to start now. I think I'd implode with guilt if I did. And we've both stopped going to the marriage councellors because everything is out in the open now. We continue to talk about it. She wants it to work and I never have, but I continue to put in the work regardless, for the kids, who are blissfully ignorant, and my wife kind of is too, as she doesn't know the depths of my feelings for this other person.

Edited November 7, 2013 by brcc

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have a hard time wrapping my head around being a great communicator but your wife is in the dark about how adamant you are about being with this OW. And your children being lulled into a false "idyllic" family.

 

If you truly want out of the marriage, do not use another person as your excuse. Its not fair to them.

 

If you have spent 22 years living a lie, I would imagine that you would need a good amount of time to figure out who the heck you really are. Time that is best spent being ALONE, because you don't know WHO you are yet.

 

You mentioned this OW have had/has boyfriend issues, and had tears in her eyes...you gave her advice.....you didn't like to see tears in her eyes...they got to you....sounds like your "fixer" issue is still at play. Not a good sign.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hard to believe that someone who you thought was only worthy of a ONS, that you don't love, never did love, always found them repulsive: gets multiply dates, a marriage proposal in exchange for "being kind to me", his wife never being kind anyways, a marriage, 4 kids...and 22 years.

 

How does one MARRY a person that they don't even like????

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted.

[Eggplant]

jlola, I knew she wasn't the one the first moment I saw her. I'd had 7 girlfriends total before her, was in college, and she's gorgeous and had eyes for me... I thought I'll have my first one night stand with this girl and move on, but of course we continued to have sex, and it turned into a cyclical pattern of me trying to leave her, her begging me to stay, and I acquiesce. This happened 16 times, 5 before we were married. I asked her to marry me as a peace offering, thinking, if I do this, you'll turn things around and be kind to me, because she rarely was. But it never stopped. Then we had kids, again, I was thinking this would turn things around but she was verbally abusive to them, as her parents were to her.

 

 

I made a mistake like this -- I stayed with my first boyfriend 5 years, even though I didn't really like him, let alone love him. Lost virginity, everything. I'm sympathetic to the weakness. Wow -- you messed up. But she's not innocent either -- I'm sure her intuition saw your true feelings, and she coerced you into staying. On some subconscious level, she denied the truth too.

 

Here's the issue: you need to divorce her and make a clean, respectful, slow transition and only then should you date anybody. In fact, having the woman you love be your OW will wreak havoc. It will mean that on some level this new woman will never be able to cleanly and legitimately be your wife. So out of respect to everybody involved, do it cleanly, suck it up, be alone first, then date with as clean hands as you can. Clean up your own mess, don't expect the new woman to be part of it.

[OldRover]

........

 

Here's the issue: you need to divorce her and make a clean, respectful, slow transition and only then should you date anybody. In fact, having the woman you love be your OW will wreak havoc. It will mean that on some level this new woman will never be able to cleanly and legitimately be your wife. So out of respect to everybody involved, do it cleanly, suck it up, be alone first, then date with as clean hands as you can. Clean up your own mess, don't expect the new woman to be part of it.

 

Not sure I'd give up on the OW if I felt so strongly about her. The divorce should happen regardless of her, but she could have been an influence to get it done. While one could take it slow, there's no reason not to date her, especially with the strong feelings.

[waterwoman]

I am in the process of trying to get rid of someone like your wife from my life. She was a close friend but over the years I have known her she has manipulated, used and lied to everyone around her. Due to a series of recent events I have come to realise just how much. Her latest partner left her just over a year ago and I sympathised and hugged her and cried with her. I thought he was a selfish heartless sh*t. I have now come to understand that actually he was a saint to put up with her for so long. I only saw the good bits, he had the whole package - the drunken rants, the screaming, the minor acts of violence, the destruction, the emotional manipulation. I feel very sorry for her but that doesn't mean I have to keep her around me to eat away at my spirit. I feel as if I was

totally passive too, I let her be that way because I felt sorry for her.

 

Break away. If the OW is the catalyst to do so then so be it. Just don't jump in to a new relationship without being very sure. Frying pans and fire come to mind!

 

BTW I speak as a BS. Being a BS has opened my eyes to the fact that people aren't always what they appear and that we need people around

us that nourish and support us, not that sap our strength and joy.

[OldRover]

I am in the process of trying to get rid of someone like your wife from my life. She was a close friend but over the years I have known her she has manipulated, used and lied to everyone around her. Due to a series of recent events I have come to realise just how much. Her latest partner left her just over a year ago and I sympathised and hugged her and cried with her. I thought he was a selfish heartless sh*t. I have now come to understand that actually he was a saint to put up with her for so long. I only saw the good bits, he had the whole package - the drunken rants, the screaming, the minor acts of violence, the destruction, the emotional manipulation. I feel very sorry for her but that doesn't mean I have to keep her around me to eat away at my spirit. I feel as if I was

totally passive too, I let her be that way because I felt sorry for her.

 

Break away. If the OW is the catalyst to do so then so be it. Just don't jump in to a new relationship without being very sure. Frying pans and fire come to mind!

 

BTW I speak as a BS. Being a BS has opened my eyes to the fact that people aren't always what they appear and that we need people around

us that nourish and support us, not that sap our strength and joy.

 

Waterwoman,

 

You make some good points, but I see no reason that the OP should abandon his OW, especially after the divorce (which should be done asap). He has a relationship with her, and it has some positives, which can be pursued and develop into a great relationship. Not easy, but can be done. Why start over?

[waterwoman]

I don't think he should dump OW. I just advise him to be careful. I am guessing that the aftermath of a divorce is a very vulnerable and unstable time.

[Elisia31]

I am in the process of trying to get rid of someone like your wife from my life. She was a close friend but over the years I have known her she has manipulated, used and lied to everyone around her. Due to a series of recent events I have come to realise just how much. Her latest partner left her just over a year ago and I sympathised and hugged her and cried with her. I thought he was a selfish heartless sh*t. I have now come to understand that actually he was a saint to put up with her for so long. I only saw the good bits, he had the whole package - the drunken rants, the screaming, the minor acts of violence, the destruction, the emotional manipulation. I feel very sorry for her but that doesn't mean I have to keep her around me to eat away at my spirit. I feel as if I was

totally passive too, I let her be that way because I felt sorry for her.

 

Break away. If the OW is the catalyst to do so then so be it. Just don't jump in to a new relationship without being very sure. Frying pans and fire come to mind!

 

BTW I speak as a BS. Being a BS has opened my eyes to the fact that people aren't always what they appear and that we need people around

us that nourish and support us, not that sap our strength and joy.

 

Ok, how do you know the wife was the one who wan manipulative? Really?? My concern here is, why do people tend to think in such a black and white manner? Yes he should divorce her... BUT!!! He should never married her in the first place, if he knew he didn't love her, as 'the one'.... she, the wife, is also, a 'victim' then...

 

Why do you guys insist on placing the blame, OMG: relationship are dynamics, please understand that. In this world, no one is evil, the victim or whatever, it all comes down to dynamics, and NO I am not naive, I just see relationship in all the colors it contends.

[Cali408]

Ok, how do you know the wife was the one who wan manipulative? Really?? My concern here is, why do people tend to think in such a black and white manner? Yes he should divorce her... BUT!!! He should never married her in the first place, if he knew he didn't love her, as 'the one'.... she, the wife, is also, a 'victim' then...

 

Why do you guys insist on placing the blame, OMG: relationship are dynamics, please understand that. In this world, no one is evil, the victim or whatever, it all comes down to dynamics, and NO I am not naive, I just see relationship in all the colors it contends.

 

People have been making the same mistake over and over forever. Marrying the wrong person. Blowing up the family because of someone else.

 

You don't leave a marriage for someone else. You leave a marriage because it can't be fixed.

 

OP if you want to divorce your wife, file. File because you can't stand living with her anymore, OW aside. Then, be alone for awhile. You need time to yourself to figure out what you want and more importantly what is best for your family.

 

Oh, and you've already cheated.

[underwater2010]

I have three kids, a happy household, at least everyone else is. We've been married 22 years. For 21 of them she was verbally abusive toward me as she had ptsd from a traumatic childhood/past. I never loved her to begin with but stuck by her because she needed help. Now I'm 42 and desperately in love with a woman at work and she is with me. I haven't cheated but want to. Want to end my marriage but don't want to hurt my kids/family. Please help.

Time for you to divorce her. If you truly want to be happy and love this woman. Then you need to leave your marriage.

[underwater2010]

Sorry I exaggerated. I haven't been depressed for 22 years. I just have quietly carried this feeling that she wasn't the one for me.

 

jlola, I knew she wasn't the one the first moment I saw her. I'd had 7 girlfriends total before her, was in college, and she's gorgeous and had eyes for me... I thought I'll have my first one night stand with this girl and move on, but of course we continued to have sex, and it turned into a cyclical pattern of me trying to leave her, her begging me to stay, and I acquiesce. This happened 16 times, 5 before we were married. I asked her to marry me as a peace offering, thinking, if I do this, you'll turn things around and be kind to me, because she rarely was. But it never stopped. Then we had kids, again, I was thinking this would turn things around but she was verbally abusive to them, as her parents were to her.

 

I've been in therapy plenty over the last year, as has she, and she's turned things around finally, because her back was really against the wall this time, because of this sitch with the OW. But I still have no feelings of real love for her aside from friendship, respect, caring that she is the mother of my children, etc.

 

AlwaysGrowing, the toxic thing is the lack of feeling. I've always known she wasn't "the one". Talk about colossal mistakes. Regardless, we have great communication now, a super relationship with our kids, and we still have great sex too, which complicates things needless to say. It's just I feel we're never on the same wavelength though and she does. To me she is vapid a lot of the time, I look down on her... I wish I didn't but I do.

 

The therapists told me you can become addicted to fixing someone, and she needed help, having been raped once, raised by a non-violent alcoholic father and a mother in denial. She was very hard to be with but I always stayed faithful and took care of her out of a sense of duty.

 

Enter this other brilliant, focused, courageous, compassionate, funny, stunning other woman who I feel with every fiber of my being is "the one", and she's the same. At the beginning, she told me she wanted her next boyfriend to worship her. I said she was lovely in so many ways. Never settle for anyone who doesn't worship you. That was a Friday. I walked into our dailies meeting the next Monday and she had tears in her eyes when she saw me. This went on for weeks, with her trying to hide it. I melted. Fell so hard for her. I cried every night going home for weeks myself, and would then have to compose myself for family life.

 

That was a year ago. About 6 months ago, after our work project ended, and after talking in her office about my wife, which I know is a betrayal, the OW and I split, before we ever got together, knowing that I'm married and she didn't want to be the other woman. But we both still want to be together. I can see how torn up she is about everything and it kills me, but I'm trying to do the right thing, stay true, honor my vows, etc. And most of all I love my kids and don't want to break their hearts.

 

Re: what you said about passive people, I'm exactly what you described- I build up resentment and I am definitely guilty of shifting blame. I think I'm a pretty solid communicator though. My wife, by her own admission, is only just starting to listen and participate in our communication/marriage, for which I'm very grateful. I don't blame her for the past anymore, those were just the cards she was dealt, and she's handled them with strength and perseverance. I just that don't love her in "that way", never have, and try as I might, I can't, especially when I'm thinking about the OW 24/7. When I'm there with my wife though, I'm there, kind, tender, supportive. I'm trying to spare her from this as much as I can because I don't want to hurt her either- which has always been my problem! I just don't want to crush her.

 

We've been to joint and individual marriage councelling and I've been to another therapist as well. The therapist told me to cheat, so I stopped seeing him. I've had 5 or 6 other chances to cheat over the course of my marriage and survived those, mostly because I wasn't really into the women, so I didn't want to start now. I think I'd implode with guilt if I did. And we've both stopped going to the marriage councellors because everything is out in the open now. We continue to talk about it. She wants it to work and I never have, but I continue to put in the work regardless, for the kids, who are blissfully ignorant, and my wife kind of is too, as she doesn't know the depths of my feelings for this other person.

I really find it odd...that you can marry and have kids with someone as a "peace offering". Take care of her and respect her, yet the moment she finally addresses her issues and start turning over her new leaf....you want to leave.

 

May I suggest that you step away from this "coworker", continue MC & IC and see where it leads.

 

Maybe, just maybe the excitement of this "brilliant, focused, courageous, compassionate, funny, stunning other woman" is clouding your thinking and helping to continue your passive aggressive thoughts.

[angie2443]

I think you should divorce your wife because you never loved her. As for yourself, those traits you have, passive agressiveness and blame shifting, will be a nightmare for anyone who has a relationship with you. Both you and your wife should continue IC, IMO. You both don't sound emotionally healthy right now and this is going to harm your kids.

[Cabinet]

That's my plan for sure. Get a 4 bdroom apt nearby for the kids, let them decorate their rooms as they like, cover the walls with their drawings, keep taking them to school, go to all their events, be there for them in every way. Trouble is my wife knows about all this and threatens to take legal action, take the kids away, etc. I want to remain best friends but she doesn't. She's always loved me and doesn't want to let go.

 

Thanks for your candid response.

 

You will not be "best friends" with your ex wife. Just by being divorced, there is no way you will be able to "be there for them in every way". It simply isn't possible because they will now be asked to live in 2 separate homes.

 

Will YOU be happier? Probably.

 

Will your kids pay the price? Most definitely.

 

Is it highly likely that your other romance will end in time? HIGHLY LIKELY no matter how much you think she is "the one"

 

It's up to you to weigh the costs vs benefits and make the choice but understand the reality of the situation.

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Non-conforming content redacted

[AlwaysGrowing]

I really find it odd...that you can marry and have kids with someone as a "peace offering". Take care of her and respect her, yet the moment she finally addresses her issues and start turning over her new leaf....you want to leave.

 

May I suggest that you step away from this "coworker", continue MC & IC and see where it leads.

 

Maybe, just maybe the excitement of this "brilliant, focused, courageous, compassionate, funny, stunning other woman" is clouding your thinking and helping to continue your passive aggressive thoughts.

 

 

This stuck out for me as well. I would question the timing of his new found project.

 

Is it the OP need to have the "upper hand" in being the healthy one in a relationship? When it seems like the dynamic is going to equal out, is he no longer interested? Because supposedly for 22 years the dysfunction worked for him.

[brcc]

This is all great feedback, both the good and the bad. It was a huge mistake I made, and that fault is completely mine. As Elisia said, she is definitely a 'victim' in this too. More so than I am, even though I always thought I was doing the right thing. I think she deserves someone better, someone who really loves her in the right way. I know it's naive to think we could still be best friends after this. She's told me as much.

 

All reasons I'm here... for therapy, to hear more people weigh in, so thanks again to all of you for this.

 

AlwaysGrowing, I never found her repulsive. I care about her very much, her well-being, etc. We aren't evil people, just two good people in a dysfunctional relationship. I was very physically attracted, and she was complex, and needed help, and thought that I could grow to love her, but it never happened, even now that she's turned things around. It kills me that she has and I still don't feel those feelings for her. You're right, it's insane what I did. I don't understand it myself.

 

When I was younger, I loved everything, loved life, I saw her and thought (like an idiot) "Come my child! I'll show you the ways of love!". Which I did, never really feeling it myself. In hindsight, she says she always knew, despite the fact that I was good to her. I never had any pics of her up at work, tried to leave all those times, etc.

 

I remember my mom asking before our wedding, "Are you sure you really want to do this?" She could see how I was being treated. I blew it off- of course mom, it's fine! I never even let the weight of her words sink in.... to this day I don't know why I didn't. I was young and stupid I guess.

 

Also AlwaysGrowing, regarding the communication, we've talked about everything openly, except I have kept the depth of my feelings for the OW from her because I'm trying to spare her if we are going to stay together. It's a conscious decision. She knows I had feelings. That's enough for her to deal with right now.

 

And re: your last comment about the new project, I don't know. Maybe I am this type of guy, I hope not. Like a girl who likes 'bad boys'. You could say the OW has issues because she made overtures to me even though I was married. But another side of me says the feelings just arose, not because we wanted them. They just happened because we were in working together. I think it's called propinquity. She seems very grounded, centered, healthy otherwise. Not at all the same situation my wife was in when I met her, but I could be waaaay off.

 

I would, just to address what you've all been saying, not jump into this other relationship. I'd definitely get my head straight first. I've never not had a girlfriend since high school, and I'd welcome the time to just get centered.

 

Cabinet, everything you said is spot on. I understand this, which is why I've agonized over this decision for so long. I want to love my wife in the right way, I just don't know how. One therapist said you can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions. I've tried for so long to control my feelings, make myself love her, unsuccessfully. But I have controlled my actions so far.

 

Again I want to say for all intents and purposes, we have a loving household. Sure this issue has bled over into the kids lives somewhat, but they are still young and as such are focused on their own lives. The other day, when we were feeling particularly low, had been arguing a lot, my youngest was talking about how happy he was with us as parents, and I asked why? He said "Because you guys are awesome!" That really touched me, and broke my heart at the same time.

 

It's interesting the comments I've received here. Everyone has uniformly said I should exit the right way. I feel like this is a younger crowd, more my generation. On a previous forum, a Christian marriage site (I'm not religious), it was the exact opposite. They almost unanimously said this is no reason to leave your marriage. All marriages evolve into friendship in time as the passion dies, which ours has, despite our past. So effectively we're in the same place as any other successful married couple, save the absence of the right kind of love on my part. This is my dilemma. Die knowing I'll never have had the chance to be with someone I truly love, doing the selfless thing, sparing my kids and wife the pain of divorce, or do what also seems right, and allow my wife and I to move on from something that was broken at the start. I want to make the right choice for all involved.

Edited November 7, 2013 by brcc

[Snowflower]

 

It's interesting the comments I've received here. Everyone has uniformly said I should exit the right way. I feel like this is a younger crowd, more my generation. On a previous forum, a Christian marriage site (I'm not religious), it was the exact opposite. They almost unanimously said this is no reason to leave your marriage. All marriages evolve into friendship in time as the passion dies, which ours has, despite our past. So effectively we're in the same place as any other successful married couple, save the absence of the right kind of love on my part. This is my dilemma. Die knowing I'll never have had the chance to be with someone I truly love, doing the selfless thing, sparing my kids and wife the pain of divorce, or do what also seems right, and allow my wife and I to move on from something that was broken at the start. I want to make the right choice for all involved.

 

Many of the people responding here have been involved in an affair in some way, whether they were the WS (You), the BS (your wife) or the OM/OW (your friend at work). So, I think people here are more likely to say cut the crap and spare everyone the agony because they've lived it in some form. Life is short, do what will make you happy but try not to hurt others in the process.

 

Conversely, the Christian marriage forum takes more of a traditional stance in that you "owe" (not sure if that is the right word but the one I can come up with at the moment) your loyalty and fidelity for life, no matter what your feelings.

 

I can see the validity in both positions. What do you think, BRCC?

 

I do really wonder what your stance on your wife and marriage was BEFORE your work friend came onto the scene? If you think back to a couple of years ago, before this woman-friend, what were your true thoughts and feelings about your wife and marriage? I am afraid these new, exciting feelings you have for this work friend, while they might be real and legit, may have unfairly clouded your perception of your marriage.