Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[brcc]

I believe the affair fog exists, but it is not my situation. I've always felt this way about her. She was very hard to get along with, cold, distant, angry, for many years. she's validated this herself. come to terms with it. She knows this whole thing is just as much her doing as mine. we've talked about it in mc, which we have both done extensively.

 

I know how this looks, the cruelty of staying, but you guys have to realize all the therapy, effort that has been put into this from both sides. I think I've only just come to the conclusion that it's right to break up. I have no one to stay with, and it's the holiday season and I have kids. it would be incredibly selfish to drop this bomb on everyone right now. Everyone would have cancel travel plans, it would put a cloud over my daughter's first pointe ballet performance, which our whole family is attending. You are all looking at this from an outsider's viewpoint. Still, the point you make is valid. I have secured the second job, which begins Jan, and I will find a place then and being making arrangements to do this right.

 

I'm not all roses with my wife. we are all quarreling somewhat right now, so it's not like she's walking on petals thinking we're fine. this is a process... a long, arduous one that involves many more people than just my wife and I, but I feel it is drawing to a close as gracefully as it can, with the right timing, the right support mechanisms in place. As bad as this is, living under the same roof knowing we're separating is worse. She wouldn't want that, the kids wouldn't, I wouldn't. I have to be patient.

Edited November 28, 2013 by brcc

[rumbleseat]

Why does telling your wife that you have made a decision have to change the things that matter?

 

If you tunk about it, it's not going to be easier on anyone no matter what time you tell her of your decision. There will always be some even that could be wrecked and people who will be hurt.

 

The short term pain of being honest with her is well worth the long term gain of the truth, and I'm sorry, but it really sounds as if your reasons for not telling her are what is selfish, not the other way around. You can tell her of your decision without needing to tell your kids right away. If you need to, do it I. A counselling session where your wife will have support right there to help her cope.

 

I still think that you are hoping to avoid looking like the bad guy here, and are hoping that she'll just decide, on her own, that things should be over. That way, it will be your fault and not hers. You also say that you are leaving for this job for however long it takes. How will that work? Are you going to tell her whole you are awy for your job, or just spring it on her while you are home for a few days, leaving her alone to pick up all the pieces?

 

May I suggest making a post in the divorce section on here to get some I put from people who have been through it? They probably have some really good advice for you that could save everyone involved a lot of needless heartache.

[beach]

I believe the affair fog exists, but it is not my situation. I've always felt this way about her. She was very hard to get along with, cold, distant, angry, for many years. she's validated this herself. come to terms with it. She knows this whole thing is just as much her doing as mine. we've talked about it in mc, which we have both done extensively.

 

I know how this looks, the cruelty of staying, but you guys have to realize all the therapy, effort that has been put into this from both sides. I think I've only just come to the conclusion that it's right to break up. I have no one to stay with, and it's the holiday season and I have kids. it would be incredibly selfish to drop this bomb on everyone right now. Everyone would have cancel travel plans, it would put a cloud over my daughter's first pointe ballet performance, which our whole family is attending. You are all looking at this from an outsider's viewpoint. Still, the point you make is valid. I have secured the second job, which begins Jan, and I will find a place then and being making arrangements to do this right.

 

I'm not all roses with my wife. we are all quarreling somewhat right now, so it's not like she's walking on petals thinking we're fine. this is a process... a long, arduous one that involves many more people than just my wife and I, but I feel it is drawing to a close as gracefully as it can, with the right timing, the right support mechanisms in place. As bad as this is, living under the same roof knowing we're separating is worse. She wouldn't want that, the kids wouldn't, I wouldn't. I have to be patient.

 

Continuing to pretend and lying about your M is not doing anyone any good by just staying.

 

Living the lies - and keeping up pretenses for your family is a terrible way to continue.

 

They want to come? Have them come knowing full well you two are divorcing.

 

You all may as well get used to being at your kids activities together knowing you'll both be at those events at the same time through the years to come.

 

 

Being decent and respectful with each other at those events is critical to your kids' future.

 

 

Putting off the inevitable holds no merit - there will NEVER be a good time. If you know you're going to do it - the right time is only NOW.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's silly and unhelpful to push brcc to make this major decision immediately, or before the holidays. Even if he's firmly decided to end the marriage, the family can enjoy one last holiday season together. A new year is just around the bend.

[beach]

I think it's silly and unhelpful to push brcc to make this major decision immediately, or before the holidays. Even if he's firmly decided to end the marriage, the family can enjoy one last holiday season together. A new year is just around the bend.

 

Ruby - he's decided... He's just pretending from here forward if he continues living like it's not happening.

[rumbleseat]

He seems to have a need to play the martyr. If he had been honest in the first place, he would have saved everyone a whole lot of heartbreak.

 

That's water under the bridge now.

 

He has decided to end things, which is his right, and if he thinks that's what's bet, then that is what he needs to do. His waiting doesn't seem to have as much to do with kindness for others than it does making it easier for him. If he tells his wife and then leaves for his job, he leaves her with their kids to deal with the fallout while he's away. Same thing if he tells her while he's away. He won't have to be there to help work through the aftermath.

 

Sounds like pure procrastination and even a smidgen of a desire to be in the "poor me. I'm living here is misery all so my daughter can have her ballet performance and everyone else can have one last good Christmas".

 

If things are as tense between him and his wife as he says, then it isn't going to be a good Christmas. It will be a miserable and uncomfortable Christmas for everyone involved.

 

He's not a bad guy, but he needs to grow a backbone.

[brcc]

Guys, you are reading too much into this. As Ruby Slippers said, you cannot push me to execute this, the biggest decision of my life, on a timetable that sounds right for you. I have to do it when it's right for me and my family. There is so much less pain and agony for all involved if I do this right. Telling her now would accomplish nothing, not save her pain in any way, shape, or form. I know her, know this situation better than anyone on this forum. It's not procrastination, it's kindness and respect for my family, nuclear and extended. Please understand this.

 

I do however, appreciate your compassion for her, and your message that this needs to be done sooner than later is something I agree with completely. I got no sleep last night thinking that this day is coming, for real. I know she'll never end it. It's up to me. Every day I'm considering the ways I'll bring this message to her and the kids, everyone.

 

btw I won't be moving out of state, just be getting a modest apt near our house so I can continue being a dad. I'm not abandoning her, springing this on her, pretending.. none of those things that were said. I'm approaching it in a methodical way, the only way I know how, so you'll just have to be patient with me, as it is my life.

 

I will certainly read the divorce boards for advice and ideas as I plan this.. Thanks as always for your thoughtful input.

Edited November 28, 2013 by brcc

[happy stillmore]

I understand, Brcc. I believe it would be irresponsible to move out without having the resources to do so. In fact, it would be incredibly selfish. You would be negatively impacting your family financially. I admire you for standing up for yourself. I do wish my xMM would have had the guts to be true to himself. He chose to take the safe, easy road at the expense of his True Self. No wonder why he was so depressed. He never felt like he could change his situation. Now I realize how cowardly it was to have a relationship while he and I were both married. The difference is I believe in my own happiness and will change my life. I sometimes wonder if there is anyone else out there who is truly being honest with themselves and have had the guts to do what we are doing. I don't think there are many that would truly understand. Most people are existing in their lives and not really living their lives. Good luck to you.

[brcc]

it's going to be tough but I know it's right for both of us. Grateful to have people in similar situations, happy stillmore.

[John-Dough]

it's going to be tough but I know it's right for both of us. Grateful to have people in similar situations, happy stillmore.

 

I hope everything works out for you. I am in a very similar situation and been married about the same amount of time. There are a few differences though:

 

1) We never had children.

2) Sex was never that good and we haven't been intimate for over 15 years - I think for her after we weren't going to have kids, she had no interest in sex. For me, she had been so verbally abusive to me that I wasn't attracted to her anymore. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad. We have some common interests and she has a good heart. But, she was abused by her step father and has anger issues and tends to blame me for everything she is unhappy about. She has threatened to leave me on numerous occasions. At first I reacted to this, but the last time, I was like okay, go ahead. That was about a year ago. She didn't leave.

3) She would never go for counseling. I talked her into it once and she felt the therapist was taking my side - so we didn't go back.

4) I am older than you - I am 57, wife is 52.

5) She is very dependent on me. I make the money. I do the shopping. I cook the food. She does do the laundry. About 6 years ago, her car broke down and it had to be towed in. Ever since then, she will not drive. She also doesn't like to go out to a movie or dinner or anything like that. She will visit relatives, but that is about it.

 

I feel like my life is slipping away. I am struggling now about what to do. I have my own business and though I am not at all rich, I get by and have a decent amount of assets. However, if I cut those in half, I am not sure I will be able to recover in the time I have left. In addition, I worry about her and how she would manage without me.

 

Lately, I have been very stressed. I am trying to decide what to do and how to do it. I feel there is no good answer at this point. If anybody has any insight - I would love to hear a different opinion.

 

BRCC - the good thing is, you are young - at least compared to me. So, don't let your life slip away. That is my advice to you.

 

John

[happy stillmore]

John-dough,

 

Your life is slipping away. The older we get, it seems the faster time flies. I work in the healthcare field and it has changed me. It made me realize that you never know what life can bring. Heck, my (adoptive) mother, who never smoked or drank, died of cancer at the age of 47. Though I'm not related genetically to my Mother, I can't help but think life is short. You should be enjoying this life you have while you can.

 

I'm not saying just walk away but you have to be honest with your wife. You are not happy. Is she happy? It should like she isn't. It sounds like she may be depressed or suffers anxiety. She may benefit from an antidepressant. Maybe getting a job outside of the house would be good for her. Things have to change for you. You can't go on living this way. It isn't fair to you.

 

Sometimes people do change. They become a different person than we married. It is asking a lot for you to have to stay home and miss out on life. It would be another thing if you guys were staying at home making sweet love. Sex is very important in a relationship (as I'm sure you already know). It bonds you with your spouse and releases such "feel good" hormones. You are really missing out. You two are not lovers anymore but, platonic partners. There is no depth to your relationship at this point. You can promise to ALWAYS be her friend. You can be there for her in times of need but you have to move on and live your life the way you want.

 

There is no way around it. You will have to be honest with yourself and your wife. Is this the life you want? If not, sit down and talk with your wife. Try marital counseling if you both want to try to save the marriage. Your wife is going to have to change and give a lot of herself. It will require work on both of your parts. She is going to have to dig deep to work through her issues. If you are not able to work it out, at least you tried with honesty. You may still honestly love her, but it isn't as your other half. It seems she is on a friendship level with you. You need more. That is the truth: YOU NEED MORE IN THIS LIFE!

 

By the way, do not have an affair. It is the worst thing you can do. You are not saving her heartache. Affairs are also acts of cowardice. I include myself in that. You are only killing your own integrity in an affair. Not worth it. Live an authentic life. Be honest with yourself and others. You can't go wrong living this way. Sure, some may be hurt with your honesty but in the long run, everyone is better off down the road.

Edited November 30, 2013 by happy stillmore

[brcc]

John_dough, our situations are very similar for sure. That is precisely how my wife treated me. We stopped having sex for about 15 years after having kids so I know what that's like too. I think we just started again because I was wound up about ow and needed an outlet, and my w was desperate to hang on, and we're both physically attracted to each other.

 

I too have been thinking a lot about the money. A lifetime of investment, half of which will be blown. if I do this I'll be working a lot more, and I already have 2 jobs, and be living in a crappy apartment instead of my beautiful house. Still I think it's worth it to feel happy. iit sounds cliche, but life is about happiness, not money. we all know you can have one without the other. Hell I'm not even sure Ill get the happiness part, but I think the chance to see if I can find it is worth all this.

 

Something that's helped me is to have a goal, a plan if you are to exit. At least that's helped me. Something that you feel strongly about on the other side, an idea of where/how you might land, and what your next steps in life would be if you were to do this. Adding structure to the plans is actually very therapeutic too. Like a vote of confidence in yourself. I sort of examined the variables, potential outcomes, looked for housing, am deep-diving into my finances, etc to see the nuts and bolts of how this will happen.

 

I know how you feel. Carrying this around. It's so heavy. It's great to hear someone 10 years older affirm things for me. I think a man in our situation, 10 years your senior, would tell you the same... you are young, you have much life to live. You are also in your prime in many respects, as a man.

 

Cocorico had a great post on this thread about what her h did to face the same issues we are. They were helpful for me. As was leigh87's, when she said I was a good man despite all this. We won't be failures of we do this. I don't think it's right for us to forgo our own happiness, essentially giving our lives to someone else because it's what they want or need. Or maybe this is my problem alone. Sounds like your w wants out too.

 

Regardless, I think you're well positioned to execute. You're unhappy, your wife is abusive and threatening to leave you, you have no kids... seems like you have your green light. It's an important distinction between your situation and mine. You do everything for your w... my wife does everything for me. I just work a ton of hours doing what I love to support the family. My situation is not so cut and dry as yours. The scale sounds very lopsided in your favor.

 

I don't want to dispense advice. The decision obviously must come from within each of us. If we want x, are we willing to sacrifice y. If the answer is yes, I suppose we do ourselves a great disservice to deny it... we're giving up our lives and surrendering to what we perceive as fate, or something out of our control, which it's not. I'm pretty sure we get only one shot at life. I don't want to look back on mine with regret.

Edited November 30, 2013 by brcc

[John-Dough]

As far as finances go, I do believe you are a lot better positioned than me to make it up, as you have 10 extra years. But, I probably would be okay - a lot of that depends on how the economy goes and all that. But, you are right - happiness is more important than money. But, it would be nice to not have to struggle after a lifetime of busting my ass.

 

Regarding my wife threatening to leave me - that happened in the past. Last time it was over a year ago and in my opinion it is never a real threat - just a manipulation. When I reacted the way I did last time, she cooled her heels. In addition, she has changed some and has not been as abusive lately. I believe this is because she can read me and knows I won't take much more. I could be wrong, but that is how I see it.

 

I do worry about her falling apart and a break up destroying her. I don't know if I could live with that. As I said, deep down she is a good person, she just has anger issues that she has never dealt with and I don't think she ever will. She also has no skills at having an argument or serious discussion. She immediately goes into attack mode and goes for the jugular. She knows this and almost seems like she is proud of it. I don't get it.

 

The sex - I think it's her upbringing or she could have been abused, but she has never told me that. She also would more than likely never go for any kind of counseling or help. Bottom line, I really don't want to go the rest of my life living like a monk.

 

I agree that as far as we know - this is it, one shot, so make the best of it. And your plan & goal idea is a good one. I have started thinking about that as well.

 

I guess we will both see what happens.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Brcc, let me preface by saying, I think you are making the right decision to leave, though not for the reasons you think. I don't think your unhappiness has anything to do with your relationship and you will not find the grass to be greener on the other side- your issues are all within you. That said, I don't think you can come to any kind of satisfactory conclusion about your life unless you take that plunge. You never wanted to marry your wife and you will not be rest till its undone. In a way I think you lucked into a pretty decent life and marriage ( all things being relative) but I know you can't see it hat way. I wouldnt be able to, either. It's about choice and your feelin that your choice was squandered. As I said, this thread inspired me to leave my own great relationship - I know the feeling. (btw no regrets so far on that one).

 

That said.... I hope you've thought it through. You will be single, middle aged dude with kids living in a crappy apartment and struggling to support two households. Let's say it doesn't work out with ow (a reasonable assumption). How will you go about finding happiness? Will it be enough to be free of the internal struggles, the turmoil? Will you be content to just be, hoping happiness along on its own timeline?

 

Or are you expecting the grass to be green? Internet dating? I'm not saying there's not a pot for every lid, but your profile as a single middle aged guy wih no money is not necessarily going to appeal to a lot of women.

 

Tht might be a jaded pov, and I will admit that I am younger than you, and have barely dated. But I know what's out there is generally worse than what I had at home. Lucky for me, since my breakup I have had no interest in jumping back in a relationship. And I'm the happiest I've been in years.

Edited December 1, 2013 by lucy_in_disguise

[painfullyobvious]

Read this forum my friend. Your story is not uncommon. A person in a lengthy often unhappy marriage thinks they have found the love of their life often at work. This rarely ends well and everyone gets hurt. Usually the person who believes they have found the one end up regretting the family betrayal, the affair itself and end their posts with I wished I would have never started down the path of (infidelity, emotional affair, etc.).

 

If things are as bad as you claim they are what have the two of you done to address these needs or lack thereof?

[beach]

Have you worked with a counselor about why you chose to stay married so long when you didn't love your wife?

 

What would make you choose to have kids with a woman you say you never loved?

 

Why was it good enough all those years - but not good enough now?

[Iguanna]

Why was it good enough all those years - but not good enough now?

 

It's only natural that the choices we do while we are young are not the same we do when we grow older. That's why we say "If only the young person knew and the old person could". There are dozens of choices we would have changed throughout our youth if we had the mind and wisdom of the elderly. Other than that when you are young you feel that you got all your life ahead of you and sometimes you don't care if you lose some time making wrong choices and mistakes. As you get older you realize life is passing by fast, you have no time to make mistakes anymore and you realize you have to live for yourself, especially when you are a giver in your whole life. OP has understood by now that we won't live forever and his time to enjoy life and be happy will only get less and less. It's a pity to put guilt in someone who has decided they want to find their happiness.

[Snowflower]

Brcc, let me preface by saying, I think you are making the right decision to leave, though not for the reasons you think. I don't think your unhappiness has anything to do with your relationship and you will not find the grass to be greener on the other side- your issues are all within you. That said, I don't think you can come to any kind of satisfactory conclusion about your life unless you take that plunge. You never wanted to marry your wife and you will not be rest till its undone. In a way I think you lucked into a pretty decent life and marriage ( all things being relative) but I know you can't see it hat way. I wouldnt be able to, either. It's about choice and your feelin that your choice was squandered. As I said, this thread inspired me to leave my own great relationship - I know the feeling. (btw no regrets so far on that one).

 

That said.... I hope you've thought it through. You will be single, middle aged dude with kids living in a crappy apartment and struggling to support two households. Let's say it doesn't work out with ow (a reasonable assumption). How will you go about finding happiness? Will it be enough to be free of the internal struggles, the turmoil? Will you be content to just be, hoping happiness along on its own timeline?

 

Or are you expecting the grass to be green? Internet dating? I'm not saying there's not a pot for every lid, but your profile as a single middle aged guy wih no money is not necessarily going to appeal to a lot of women.

 

Tht might be a jaded pov, and I will admit that I am younger than you, and have barely dated. But I know what's out there is generally worse than what I had at home. Lucky for me, since my breakup I have had no interest in jumping back in a relationship. And I'm the happiest I've been in years.

 

This whole post is really, really good!

 

brcc, you seem to be identifying more now with posters who are applauding you in your decision to leave your marriage and less with those (like me) who urge caution.

 

Okay then.

 

Lucy, here above, has been in your shoes where admittedly I have not. So, you might likely listen to her more. However, she is raising some very good points and questions.

 

Life has that wonderful way of being unpredictable. What will you do if/when it doesn't turn out as you expected? Things rarely turn out as planned in life. The relationship with OW may eventually fizzle and you're working two jobs and living in a crappy apartment (your words about the jobs and living accommodations).

 

Sure, all that freedom and newness of your restructured life might feel great at first because it is well, all so different and new. But what about when all that newness wears off and life becomes routine again? Will you miss what you had?

 

Just food for thought.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Snowflower
added words

[John-Dough]

Snowflower - your point is valid. But, both paths have risks.

 

My situation is so very similar to brcc's that I took an interest in this thread. And after reading some other posts on this forum, not this thread - I started wondering for me, if I was a 'conflict avoider'.

 

I don't think I am so much in other areas - but maybe I became that way in my marriage, at least partially due to extreme reactions whenever I tried to discuss anything. That being said, I guess it is no excuse. This is over a great many years and I probably had a tendency to avoid problems as I was busy with trying to make a living. And my chosen profession requires creativity and a great deal of mental focus - which when I am too preoccupied with personal matters doesn't function all that well.

Edited December 2, 2013 by John-Dough

[Snowflower]

Snowflower - your point is valid. But, both paths have risks.

 

My situation is so very similar to brcc's that I took an interest in this thread. And after reading some other posts on this forum, not this thread - I started wondering for me, if I was a 'conflict avoider'.

 

I don't think I am so much in other areas - but maybe I became that way in my marriage, at least partially due to extreme reactions whenever I tried to discuss anything. That being said, I guess it is no excuse. This is over a great many years and I probably had a tendency to avoid problems as I was busy with trying to make a living. And my chosen profession requires creativity and a great deal of mental focus - which when I am too preoccupied with personal matters doesn't function all that well.

 

Okay, have you also met someone who sparks your interest like brcc has? Or, are you feeling this way about your marriage without any outside involvement?

[brcc]

Great posts.

 

I've thought, and continue to think heavily about life alone. I spend so much time trying to find solitude in my life now, I think it would be wonderful, but obviously I can't be sure as I've never really known it. Still, I have great relationships with my kids and a strong network of friends, family, I think I would be ok.

 

John_Dough, I worry as well about my wife's wellbeing if we were to split. I think eventually she'd stabilize, but you and I will need to brace ourselves for the worst. My w is a good person too. She sounds so remarkably similar to yours! Only recently has she opened up to going to therapy, when her back was really against the wall with all this.

 

Lucy_in_disguise, I don't believe it was luck, but rather by design- I made my marriage/home life what it is. I worked very hard to make it successful, loving, communicative. I can see it easily, because I really feel I built it, almost single-handedly, and my wife was just along for the ride until now. This may sound self-centered but she herself has agreed to this, that she was not a participant. Since I did put so much into it, and I can see that it's good, you can imagine how hard it is to walk away from.

 

In all honesty from my perspective the grass looks pretty brown on the other side, but I'm at this place where I feel like it's right for me to step over despite this as crazy as that sounds. Over there is pain, over here is comfort, but it'll be a hollow kind of comfort, once the kids move out.

 

PainfullyObvious, I am sure this is common. My situation may be no different. This is another factor, the unknown, that makes this decision so difficult. It's why I'm trying so hard to not make a decision based on ow, but my own needs. It's challenging to sort this out in my head- is this thought one that's driven by the 'affair fog', or reality? Most of the stories I've heard about people who jump ship for another partner end in failure. In fact the only one I've heard that was successful on this forum was cocorico's. Also, OW has done things that I don't think a loving, caring, grounded person would do, like reporting me to HR. It remains to be seen if that was done out of pain, and the need to protect herself, which I would understand, over trying to damage me or play games.

 

Beach, I've answered these questions many times in this thread in previous posts. All very good questions with concrete answers.

 

Iguanna, I really love reading your posts! So true, every word.

 

Snowflower, absolutely. Again all valid reasons to weigh the decision carefully. These are very real concerns for me.

 

I just had a lengthy lunch with my trusted friend who reiterated what we've said here before, to continue putting this one last period of time into the marriage, so at the end, if we part, I will feel complete, that I honestly gave it everything I had, and hopefully she'll see why it happened and feel it was right too, and we can walk away feeling whole.

 

In a way I'm already doing this, but I've been looking at it from a strategic angle, ie making a smooth transition... building up my relationships with my kids, while weathering her recent attacks/outbursts with humility and understanding. Exposing the truth with a gentle hand. Essentially showing the family why I want to leave, which isn't hard at all, because she makes big mistakes on a regular basis, and I know she feels the weight of them now more than ever, and the kids see it too.

 

But he added, to do it with altruism, trying to find a way to give it selflessly, not just to support my end goal... because doing it altruistically, if I can, would really allow me the right kind of closure, affording me true peace with it, once it's through. I liked this, a lot, though I'm not sure how to do it, because it's hard to give myself completely to something I know I don't want. Still, I think this time is critical for all involved, and feels right... a graceful exit, rather than bringing the hammer down, shattering all we've built up.

 

He also said I should probably get off the forums, as I've been in such dire need to get advice and hear other perspectives, but I feel like in a way I've been swayed so much, especially recently, that maybe I need a period just to process it all, and find the time to execute that's right for me, for my family. So just a heads-up, I may be posting less here in the near future, as positive as I feel this experience has been.

 

On this note, please don't tell me I'm procrastinating or playing the martyr or stringing her along. I don't think I'm doing these things, just trying to end this with as much compassion, dignity, love as I can. The extra income is now in place, the means, the resolve, etc... the pieces are coming together in the right way I think, though it is a process.

Edited December 2, 2013 by brcc

[eleanorrigby]

In a way I'm already doing this, but I've been looking at it from a strategic angle, ie making a smooth transition... building up my relationships with my kids, while weathering her recent attacks/outbursts with humility and understanding. Exposing the truth with a gentle hand. Essentially showing the family why I want to leave, which isn't hard at all, because she makes big mistakes on a regular basis, and I know she feels the weight of them now more than ever, and the kids see it too.

 

 

It sounds as if you are saying you hope your wife flips her sh*t in front of your family so they can all understand why you are leaving.

That's just not cool. Leave her already. God damn.

[rumbleseat]

A couple of points and them I am out of here.

 

The first is that, if you want to see a situation like yours from the perspective of how your wife feels or is going to feel then listen to people who have been in her position. They are the ones who will tell you the truth that you don't want to hear.

 

The second is that I would carefully look at the the backstory to the posters on here who have replied. See if you are getting an unbiased and realistic view. Everyone's point of view is going to be biased, based upon their own experience, morals, mindset and sort of value they place on marriage. Some have zero understanding of what your wife is gonna through, and since a big part of the rationale you say that you have for the lying and deception is that you want to make it easy on her, then perhaps you should listen to the people who have been through it, from perspective of both your wife and children.

 

The reasons that people on here got married range from love to an arranged marriage to a marriage from convince and even for taxation or other legal reasons thT they felt they had to get married. Each of these people will have a different view. The value they place on marriage, so each of them will give you a different point of view. If someone places little to no value on it, they will have a very different opinion from someone who placed a lot of value on it but it didn't work out. Don't just hear what you want to hear, hear what can actually help your family get through this with the least amount of pain.

 

It really sounds as if what you are trying to do is to be able to set yourself up to have all your ducks in a row and be calm and cool when you drop this bombshell on your wife. She'll be spending the next while thinking you are really trying (while that is a huge deception on your part), getting her hopes up higher and higher, meanwhile, you are , the whole time, planning your exit. What kind of lesson do you think this is teaching your daughter about relationships and how a wife should be treated? That it's okay to lie to them?

 

One last point is to just plain stop all the lying. Stop lying to your wife. Stop lying to your kids, stop lying to yourself and everyone else. Stop pretending that this ow isn't taking up a huge amount of your headspace. Start accepting your role in all of this and start accepting the fact that everyone is going to be hurt. You can't change that, it is what it is. Do you really think that anyone is going to remember this as a good Christmas , when your marriage broke up the next month? Likely all they'll remember is it is the Christmas that you lied to all of them.

Also, stop trying to make your wife the bad guy in all of this. Stop trying to makeherfeel so bad and unhappy that she's the one who pulls the plug. You want out? Fine. It's probably for the best, but man up about it. You're the one who wants out, not her. Own that, stand up, tell her the truth and lether decide how she what's to handle it and how she wants tolive her life from now on.

 

Leaving is one thing...being a jerk is another thing altogether

Edited December 3, 2013 by rumbleseat

[happy stillmore]

Only you, Brcc, can answer the tough questions. It is your life. None can live your life but you. It is not fair for one to have to live a life that is not satisfying. That is existing, not living. Big difference. Free will is what sets Man apart from animals. We can choose the way we want to live our lives. I believe Brcc has known for a long, long time that he was not happy. I don't think he just woke up one day and decided he isn't in love with his wife. This is not a whim in my opinion. But then again, only Brcc knows what is in his heart.

 

I agree. Brcc has to be honest with everyone. He is not happy. He must admit it and stand by his words. His wife, his children, everyone. Brcc should not place blame on anyone. Noone can control your emotions. You can't make yourself be in love with someone when you are not. There is no way around it. You should not try to place the fault on your wife. It isn't her fault that you are not in love with her. It is YOUR heart that is not in love with her. You have to accept that you are the one that is changing things. Believe me, I know the heavy weight you bear.

 

I do believe in marriage. Marriage is not something to be dissolved over petty things. Divorce is a last option after all avenues have been explored. I also believe that marriage should not be a life sentence of you are not happy. What kind of life would that be for you and your wife if you are there physically in the marriage but your heart is not in it. It isn't fair to you or your wife. If you do not truly love your wife, you need to tell her. It isn't her actions that made the marriage end. You do have to own your feelings (or lack of feelings) is the reason for the end of your marriage. You can not take the passive approach. You are going to have to face things straight on. No fluff. No distortions. It is what it is. You either are in love with your wife or you are not. Your marriage can either be saved or it can't be saved. Feelings will be hurt. You have to own your part.

 

I will always support someone who is finding their true happiness. If they were feeling like their life was a lie, I say they should find themselves. I would never support leaving a marriage for shallow reasons. I know this only leads to depression and emptiness. I sense Brcc is not looking to end his marriage to get some cheap thrills. I sense he is looking for the real deal. Looking to live a life where he is living life his way and what is not expected of him. I suspect Brcc has been a conflict-avoidant person. I sincerely hope Brcc is not leaving his marriage for OW. I hope it is for himself in order for him to be a better person.

Edited December 3, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Speakingofwhich]

My xH left me the day before Thanksgiving many years ago.

 

I have always wished we could have had that one last holiday season together as a family.

 

I have always wished he would have waited until January to leave us.

 

As it was, it was the worst holiday season I have ever had.

 

Every Thanksgiving I'm reminded of the awful day he left and where the children and I went for Thanksgiving dinner the next day. And how weird it felt without him there.

 

And Christmas was even worse. The season was spent trying to adjust to the new visitation schedule. And hearing beautiful Christmas songs that seemed to mock the sudden devastation of our family.

 

Finances were slashed due to him now having to pay for separate living quarters.

 

So that we couldn't afford a Christmas tree.

 

My little boy (6 years old) took my hand one day and led me down the street to a neighbor's yard. There was a scrubby evergreen weed in their backyard that he had noticed. It had no shape, really, but was making an effort to look like a double pom pom topiary. It would have been about two and a half to three feet tall had it grown straight upward. But, alas, it leaned lazily over to the side a little, its needles reaching out three or four inches from skinny branches attached to a crusty knotted stalk.

 

He was so excited as he told me that they'd said he could have it! One of them was out there as we walked into their yard and my son turned and explained, "She doesn't have any money for a tree this year." Although this was humiliating for me, it was such a sweet gesture from my boy that I didn't protest.

 

Anyway, I let him bring the little weed home and we hung the ornament he'd made at church, a photo of himself framed with the ring to the top of a quart jar, on it. And we had a little piece of red yarn we tied to the top, too.

 

Sometime during the Christmas season I usually find myself having a fleeting vision of that scrubby weed with my little boy's smiling photo on it sitting atop the kitchen table in front of the window of the house we had to sell.

 

All of our beautiful ornaments were stored at XH's office and I think he either used them in his new place or tossed them out, idk.

 

Excuse me! RIGHT!!!! Nothing like this would happen to brcc's family if he left before Christmas this year! brcc would make certain he treated his W and children with kindness even if he left before Christmas. That is obvious from the way he has been posting. However, he couldn't possibly make up for the sudden loss of a dad right before Christmas.

 

There is no way to do that.

 

It would be one rough Christmas for them.

 

Brcc, imho, as one who has walked the pathway your W is walking. I support you in waiting until after Christmas to leave. Those few days with you will mean so much to your family.

 

Yes, they'll still have their first Christmas without you next year. But, they will have had eleven months to adjust to the idea of you not living with them by then.

 

And the holiday season won't become the anniversary of your leaving.

 

And what it's like for you not to be living with them won't sneak in, in tiny unexpected little ways that become forever memories associated with Christmas.

 

IMHO a couple of weeks won't make the difference between your W feeling she was deceived or not.

 

I applaud you for your kindness in not wanting to disturb your families' Christmas and don't in any way believe it's linked to selfishness or cowardice. It seems quite the opposite, to me.

 

Please give your family a Merry Christmas this one last year. A memory they'll always enjoy replaying in their minds!

 

Hug them more than usual. Go in to their rooms and wake them up each morning. Tuck them in each night. Whatever it is you usually do for Christmas, do it this year with all the love you can pour into it! Enjoy and give joy!

 

When you leave, do it on an ordinary day. Of course, it won't seem to be an ordinary day to them when you leave. But, at least it won't be a memory attached to Christmas for the rest of their lives.