Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[eleanorrigby]

Guys the man has made his decision and he's gonna follow the plan he believes is best for him. This decision was hard enough, is it nice to have some strangers putting guilt on him? His wife is a grown person and she should be able to protect and defend herself or make changes that are needed or confront him on things she doesn't like.

 

He will deal. He's just as grown as his wife and he's the one that put his story out there soliciting opinions.

[brcc]

Btw I really don't think she views the flowers as 'everything's ok between us', based on the numerous cutting comments about our relationship she's made to me since she received them. This situation is bigger than flowers.

[eleanorrigby]

Btw I really don't think she views the flowers as 'everything's ok between us', based on the numerous cutting comments about our relationship she's made to me since she received them. This situation is bigger than flowers.

 

I doubt that she thinks flowers mean everything is "OK" either. But it's confusing nevertheless. Very confusing, I speak from experience. She may get your flowers and think you are waffling in your decision to divorce because she might be waffling in her own head over the decision.

However you've decided you are sure you want a divorce. Right?

Then like Beach said, act that way.

 

All your actions should be pointing towards divorce. That does not mean that you should suddenly start acting like an ******* towards her but gifts, flowers, sex, any "I love you's" need to stop. Right now.

 

If you are having sex with her, please stop. That's the most confusing mixed message of all.

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm trying to give it my best through this period, just bought w a bundle of flowers two days ago, telling her I wanted her to have great Christmas, after we had a rough time at her parents house over Thanksgiving. I wish I could leave now but know I need to stick this out for everyone over the holidays. And I know wife's treatment of me is a reaction to me making clear that I don't love her.

 

I'm sorry, I think this is a venting post, but I'm writing this just after my w has finally retired to bed.

 

There's not a lot you can do to improve your wife's Christmas, outside of not leaving, imo. When you leave it will get worse so by you staying there you are delaying her deeper pain, again imo.

 

It's a journey you need to walk through, one foot in front of the other. There's no easy way to do it. But, that's not a reason not to go forward.

[writergal]

I haven't read through all the pages here, but I wanted to say that you need to do what's best for you (get divorced) so that you can be with this other woman.

 

No one should stay in a marriage that is toxic to their own well-being, esp. when their spouse abuses them (verbally, emotionally or physically).

 

I did read a few pages of this thread and it sounds like you have a good plan in place; getting a separate residence, etc. so I hope you will not let your wife deter you from moving on.

 

Not every marriage is built on solid foundation. Somewhere on this thread you admitted that you married your wife because you thought you could change her, then had children with her, because you thought that would change her verbal abusive behavior. The lesson that you've learned after years of her abuse, is that old cliche: a leopard never changes its spots. And after you divorce your wife, she will still verbally abuse you because that's her personality based on her past trauma that she hasn't sought help for.

 

It sounds like you would be the better parent here. Hopefully you can get full-custody of your children but you'll need to find a lawyer to help you obviously. I hope it all works out for you and your children. You need to be true to yourself. Divorce is never easy but it's necessary when the evidence is there that the marriage has run its course. Hang in there.

[Speakingofwhich]

I doubt that she thinks flowers mean everything is "OK" either. But it's confusing nevertheless. Very confusing, I speak from experience. She may get your flowers and think you are waffling in your decision to divorce because she might be waffling in her own head over the decision.

However you've decided you are sure you want a divorce. Right?

Then like Beach said, act that way.

 

All your actions should be pointing towards divorce. That does not mean that you should suddenly start acting like an ******* towards her but gifts, flowers, sex, any "I love you's" need to stop. Right now.

 

If you are having sex with her, please stop. That's the most confusing mixed message of all.

 

I agree that giving flowers isn't the best idea. We're all different but to me, under the circumstances getting flowers from you would seem insulting, patronizing or condescending.

 

She's a grown woman and knows what's going on. There's no way you can make things better, even for a second, with a bouquet.

 

Here's a suggestion: Be reverent with her and accept the fact that your role with her is changing and in a way you are losing your power with her. Your power to love her, help her, support her.

 

Focus on your role as a dad during the next few weeks.

 

From your posts, I think you do need to leave. But, don't believe that there is anything you can do, aside from being courteous, to make it easy for her.

 

She's going to be on her own and she will amaze you. I guarantee it! This woman is going to fly! And, I believe you'll be able to, also, if you choose to do so.

[beach]

Are you having sex with her?

[brcc]

Being courteous, well said. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, moreover trying to treat her with some compassion. And yes I've been trying all along to strengthen my bonds with my kids.

 

She did feel good after the flowers, and that made me feel good too.

 

We've also both been moving away from the sex. We had it once in the middle of the night a few days ago, which was the first time in a few weeks.

 

 

And speakingofwhich, she will blossom after this happen. I just know it. She'll find herself maybe for the first time in her life. She already is an amazing woman, a catch for any man, stunning to behold, a shredded athlete, a dynamic person who has changed herself in incredible ways over the years. The strongest person I know. It's only me that's holding her back now.

Edited December 5, 2013 by brcc

[beach]

Being courteous, well said. That's exactly what I'm trying to do, moreover trying to treat her with some compassion. And yes I've been trying all along to strengthen my bonds with my kids.

 

She did feel good after the flowers, and that made me feel good too. We've also both been moving away from the sex.

 

And speakingofwhich, she will blossom after this happen. I just know it. She'll find herself maybe for the first time in her life. She already is an amazing woman, a catch for any man, stunning to behold, a shredded athlete, a dynamic person who has changed herself in incredible ways over the years. The strongest person I know. It's only me that's holding her back now.

 

All of these words to describe a wonderful woman that you've never loved...

 

A woman that is abusive to you.

 

 

You need help to find out what's inside of you that would think an abusive woman is a healthy choice - especially given that you don't love her.

 

 

If you don't look within - you're likely to choose the same next time around.

[Iguanna]

I don't understand why you give him such a hard time. When two people get divorced this does not mean that they are enemies, especially when they have kids together. He can give gifts or flowers to his wife (and soon ex wife) for the rest of his life if he feels like it at least to thank her for the wonderful kids she gave him.

[syz]

It's true courts generally still favor women in custody disputes but this is changing and I glad for it. A lot can depend on the state you are in. Generally I think the courts should lean towards joint custody. However her threats are rather idle as the children are old enough to speak up about seeing you. I'd worry more if they were under 7 not 9, 11 and a teen.

 

I think it is wise to not allow this threat to scare you. It's manipulation and fear tactics and its all she's got. You have a strong relationship with your children and that is helpful. Ultimately your wife won't want to put them in middle hopefully and I would simply put that threat back onto your wife. It punishes the children, why would she want to further hurt your children? She may feel you don't deserve the kids you if you leave but that is a moot point. The children deserve you their father. I would simply put that crap back in her own lap as the manipulation bs it is and tell her exactly that "you may not feel I deserve the children but the children deserve to have me their father in their lives as much as possible. I have no idea why you'd want to disenfranchise them like that."

 

ETA my mother tried to hurt my father with custody during their divorce in '77. I was 7 years old then and the oldest. She tried to get him down to 2 weeks during the summer and only every other weekend. He wanted joint custody but back then it was uncommon. He forced the divorce decree to stipulate she couldn't move out of a 30 mile radius and he got 6 weeks of summer every other weekend and every wednesday. I can honestly say that nonsense backfired on her. I began to see through it pretty quickly and it tainted my view of her permanently. I realized my father was the more fair and honorable of the two. I always trusted him more as a consequence.

Edited December 5, 2013 by syz

[beach]

I think it's cruel that you don't love her, yet you've stayed.

 

I think it's even more cruel that you don't love her but are willing to use her as YOUR receptacle for sex.

 

Top that with wanting a divorce so you can date another woman you are in love with - yet you haven't divorced yet - and that just shows a person who isn't honorable.

[beach]

I don't understand why you give him such a hard time. When two people get divorced this does not mean that they are enemies, especially when they have kids together. He can give gifts or flowers to his wife (and soon ex wife) for the rest of his life if he feels like it at least to thank her for the wonderful kids she gave him.

 

You must be a person who pretends everything is a-ok when it's not.

[brcc]

Beach, my therapy is well documented in this thread - why I married someone I didn't love and who was abusive. I know now why I did it, after all this therapy. Needless to say, I didn't understand these compulsions in myself at all when I was 20.

 

She really isn't abusive now, just hurting, processing, and acting out because of this. For what it's worth I agree with you about the sex.

I stayed with her so long because I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

I'm not leaving because of ow. I'm leaving because I'm not happy in my marriage. I never asked ow to wait around for me for a year while I figure this out. I'm pretty sure, as she's had no clue if I'm leaving my wife or not, that she's moved on. would you wait around for a married guy who talked about his marital problems all the time? We haven't spoken in 7 months.

Edited December 5, 2013 by brcc

[happy stillmore]

There will be people who do not understand. They will tell you just to "suck it up. Find a way to be happy. Don't divorce." Is it fair to both of you, Brcc & W, to have to settle for a mediocre relationship when you feel that something great is out there for you both? I know in my heart that there is someone out there that will be my "something great." I was only able to see that I was capable of great love when I met xMM. We were very compatible (with the exception of him being married. Lesson learned) I was able to see my life in a new way. I guess that is the one good thing I gained from the A. I learned what was lacking in my M.

 

I commend you for having the strength to allow your inner voice guide your life. I think you will look back and wonder why it took too so long to make the changes. By the way, I'm in the same boat, been married for 20 years. I wish I could make the changes now. I'm tired of the fake marriage. Playing the part. My h knows it is over and we are both walking on eggshells. There is a heavy atmosphere in our house. The kids sense the m isn't normal. We don't argue though. We are all avoidant and I need to start talking about the problems so it isn't a total surprise.

 

I can totally relate to your dilemma.

[brcc]

I echo your every sentiment Happy Stillmore. I hope you and John Dough and I can find a peaceful end to our situations. And thanks to you too Iguanna, for your continued support.

[syz]

I think it's cruel that you don't love her, yet you've stayed.

 

I think it's even more cruel that you don't love her but are willing to use her as YOUR receptacle for sex.

 

Top that with wanting a divorce so you can date another woman you are in love with - yet you haven't divorced yet - and that just shows a person who isn't honorable.

 

well then there is really nothing for him to do but to divorce quickly so that he can remedy the situation no? that ends the cruelty right? I mean what would have him do since he cannot undo the having stayed part. It sounds like you are suggesting it's to late for him to have any honor and divorce isn't honorable because he has feelings for someone else. So what's your solution?

 

I mean I get what you are saying but I don't understand how on earth its useful. It's just your judgement call. You don't like what he's done or how he's handled it. And?

[beach]

He's not going to leave until it's convenient for HIM.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he's willing to stay so it "appears" nice.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he will take the sex and buy her flowers.

 

It makes me feel like vomitting just to type it - it's such a farce.

[brcc]

Beach, I just read a number of your other posts from dozens of different threads just today. All of them uniformly angry. Lots of caps and exclamation marks. I think most people here are weak and going through very challenging times in their lives. I'm just wondering why you bother going from post to post blasting people?

[syz]

He's not going to leave until it's convenient for HIM.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he's willing to stay so it "appears" nice.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he will take the sex and buy her flowers.

 

It makes me feel like vomitting just to type it - it's such a farce.

 

yeah I get how you feel about it, but I'm not sure how it's useful. Know what I mean. Personally I suggested he can the sex and the flowers. I don't think that is being rude it's having integrity in alignment with his future intent. But she knows he plans on exiting the marriage. She is also free to say no sex in light of that information. There is also the fact that leaving the marriage when its convenient for him, which I assume includes meaning when it is financially feasible to support the house and an apt, is also better for his family over all. I'm not advocating one way or another on how or when he leaves. In house separations are hard. He could make a point and start sleeping in the guest room. Assuming he even has one.

 

Edited for clarity.

[happy stillmore]

Beach,

 

It isn't convenient for Bccc's wife and children for Bccc to leave now either. Really! As I have said before, it would be irresponsible and selfish for Bccc to leave the house and leave the family strapped for money. Is that what you want, beach? For food to be taken out of Bccc's children's mouths? Not to mention, the pain caused if he left during the holidays.

 

It sounds like you are projecting your anger at Brcc. He is living his life whether we approve or not. I agree Brcc needs to be honest throughout the whole process. I believe the avoiding of problems is what got him to this point in his life. Had he faced them in the beginning, things would be different. Life is about learning and growing. Brcc has learned about himself and has now gained strength to face them. Honesty is the only path to happiness.

Edited December 6, 2013 by happy stillmore

[eleanorrigby]

Beach,

 

It isn't convenient for Bccc's wife and children for Bccc to leave now either. Really! As I have said before, it would be irresponsible and selfish for Bccc to leave the house and leave the family strapped for money. Is that what you want, beach? For food to be taken out of Bccc's children's mouths? Not to mention, the pain caused if he left during the holidays.

 

 

He does not necessarily have or need to leave. Just that he be honest with his wife, 100% honest. Making sure that she understands that this is no trial period to see if they can work the marriage out.

Once she knows exactly where she stands, she might not have any problem with brcc staying in the home during the holiday season.

Or she might. Who knows? But she has planning of her own to do now and she needs to know exactly what's going on.

[beach]

Beach, I just read a number of your other posts from dozens of different threads just today. All of them uniformly angry. Lots of caps and exclamation marks. I think most people here are weak and going through very challenging times in their lives. I'm just wondering why you bother going from post to post blasting people?

 

Why is it considered "blasting you" when I'm only working with the info you keep giving?

 

Seriously, why are you having sex with her when you intend to divorce and you aren't in love with her?

 

How is that not cruel? Using any woman that way is simply reducing her to a word I don't wish to type.

 

I have no anger - I'm simply working with the info given - and stating my perspective on it.

[John316C]

your still hurting your kids by being with her. what do you think theyre gona learn. from your interaction with your wife.

 

to let the woman be dominant and the man submissive

to remain in a unhealthy relationship

to let yourself be abused

what other behaviors have you both been exhibiting that are dysfunctional

to abuse others.

etc.

 

your kids are gona be more hurt by you both remaining together.

 

you can still show your children what a healthy relationship is.

 

your wife acts like this because she is dominant and you've been submissive.

 

some people are just not compatible to begin with.

you can "fix" your wife but its not guaranteed and you dont know how to do it.

 

i really havnt read this thread just your initial post. but i think you get the picture. im sure there are many others things in your mind you dont want to happen. i dont really know much about you but take what i said into account

 

go see corey wayne hes a dating coach and his stuff is free

Edited December 6, 2013 by John316C

[John-Dough]

He's not going to leave until it's convenient for HIM.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he's willing to stay so it "appears" nice.

 

Even though he doesn't love her - he will take the sex and buy her flowers.

 

It makes me feel like vomitting just to type it - it's such a farce.

 

I have a feeling that if all he was concerned about was himself - he would have left a long time ago.

 

He probably has a great deal of love for her, but is not romantically in love with her.

 

He didn't go into the details on the sex, maybe she was wanting sex as well.

 

I may be wrong, but that is what I gathered from reading brcc's posts.