stillafool Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 . My thinking was to have a trial separation to have us each stand on our own two feet and assess things more objectively, outside of our relationship, as this has seemed to work for some. But if divorce is the only option, it's the only option, and I'll gladly take your advice because there is no other alternative. How can a trial separation work when you have said you were never in love with this woman and still aren't? Why are you playing games with her life and heart? You are the one who is unhappy and wanted a divorce and now you are talking about some trial separation. If you aren't in love with your wife what good will a trial separation do? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
curiousGeorge2 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 brcc: Just wanted to say hello. Hopefully everything is fine and you and family are enjoying the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 hi curiousGeorge2. Everything's going as well as can be expected. Hope you're having a happy holiday as well. Cheers, brcc Link to post Share on other sites
John-Dough Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 hi curiousGeorge2. Everything's going as well as can be expected. Hope you're having a happy holiday as well. Cheers, brcc Good to hear from you. You have a happy holiday as well. Looking forward to hearing how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 brcc, how were your holidays and how's it going by now? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The holidays are over now - have you gotten honest yet with your wife? What's your plan? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 The holidays are over now - have you gotten honest yet with your wife? What's your plan? There's no way to tell her before the holidays and not have it blow up in my face, in everyone's face. Snowflower, I appreciate the need to not delay this any longer, to prevent her suffering, but she is not suffering nearly as badly as what will happen when I tell hat that. Those two things are way out of balance... on one side of the scale, save her a month of feeling insecure, on the other, destroy the holidays for the family, face a maelstrom of attacks from her in front of our families, possibly set myself up to be stuck living in my house while in a separation, ruining and disrespecting my daughter's pointe performance that she's worked for years to achieve... the list goes on. That would be a huge mistake for me. As long as I am with my wife, she's ok, she's winning, time benefits her, not me. Sure it's hard for her now, but not nearly as hard as it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am honest, just haven't told her it's over yet. I still have no means to move out, but have started a second job for this purpose, so the wheels are in motion. I can't end it and continue living in the same house. That would be a nightmare for all involved. We continue to talk about our feelings during this period. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I can't remember - does your W work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Unfortunately no. And I'd like to continue to support her and the kids fully after we separate. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 I am honest, just haven't told her it's over yet. I still have no means to move out, but have started a second job for this purpose, so the wheels are in motion. I can't end it and continue living in the same house. That would be a nightmare for all involved. We continue to talk about our feelings during this period. That just seems cruel and mean. You couldn't possibly be honest with her if you're plotting and planning to leave but not telling her. Lying by omission is still lying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Now would be a good time to tell your wife you are planning to move. She may need to start looking for a job since she doesn't have one. Please think about what's best for her and your family. They are going to need the extra income. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Now would be a good time to tell your wife you are planning to move. She may need to start looking for a job since she doesn't have one. Please think about what's best for her and your family. They are going to need the extra income. Seriously, and she would have more time to look for a job that suits her needs. And help bring in money she will wants for her future. Especially since she can't rely on her H to keep promises he's made... And has taken on another job so he can move. She's foolish to leave herself at the mercy of her H - when he plots and plans behind her back to leave the family. She needs fair warning to get set up to be independent of the man she can no longer count on. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) hey there, It sounds to me like you are trying to handle things the best way you can, for the benefit of everyone, yourself included. Some of the replies are peppered with projective jabs. It is good to read those as well, since you will no matter how you navigate this... you will encounter negativity from your stbxw, children, family and friends. It is just going to happen so get used to it. I think it is just people lashing out from their own experiences and hurt, understandable, but take any advice with a grain of salt, mine included. Its odd, because from the threads I've read you are doing exactly what people advise. Make a plan and leave, don't cheat, leave first, explain. You are doing this. Of course you have to look out for yourself and your kids. If your stbxw has been abusive to you and not worked, well, she will most likely lash out as her lifestyle is coming to an end. I would be careful. She may try to get pregnant again, she may portray herself as a victim, she may attempt to alienate your children away from you. It will be a long a hard road, but if you are true to yourself and your children it will ultimately be okay. Modeling verbal abuse is not healthy. They will learn to form their own relationship with you as their Dad so, it will be bumpy, but hopfully okay. Just let them know you love them are there for them and a divorce does not change that. As far as support, you will be on the hook for child support and perhaps alimony for a time, 2-5 years maybe? If you have not already you should see a lawyer. Don't sign your future life away out of a since of guilt or failure. She is a grown woman too, fully capable of working. You deserve an authentic and happy life. We all do. Good luck dude. Edited January 12, 2014 by underpants 3 Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Just to add. You have tipped your hand. So be prepared for her to pull some doozies as well. She is not your friend, may be years down the road, but don't kid yourself. If you have joint accounts, credit cards, etc... protect the assets, credit...etc. Take care, and good journey. Link to post Share on other sites
ZMM Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I think right now you need to look out for your best interests. Then, since you appear to be a fair guy, you can make sure everything is handled appropriately and equitably. Go step by step and stick to YOUR game plan, adapt as necessary. You know what is best. Don't let posters on here, who may have their own subconscious or hidden agendas, tell you what to do. Good Luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Don't let posters on here, who may have their own subconscious or hidden agendas, tell you what to do. ^^^ Agreed!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aspasia33 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 My God...you sound exactly like my MM.....very difficult. He has said the only thing he has ever done truly for himself, is have me.. Wife knows that I had feelings for the coworker (still do, strongly, but she doesn't know that part), knows that I talked about our marital problems with the other woman. The kids have no idea, we've created a little utopia for them. They're very happy. We're a loving family for all intents and purposes, so there's nothing toxic about it except for the depression I've kept inside for 22 years. It's just hard because it's the single most selfish thing I'll ever do in my life. Obviously I'm pretty passive and repressed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Thank you all for your posts. I find value in every one, good and bad. I'm trying to think of everyone's interests, not just my own. For now, as I prepare to leave, I'm setting up something where I'm supporting her and the family so she doesn't have to go out and find a job. This is advantageous for her. Having me at home is what she wants, even though we both know our future is tenuous. She's more than happy to keep me where I am regardless of the truth I've laid out between us, as she doesn't want us to part. This stage is not for me at all, it's for them. If it was just for me I'd have sold the house and left a long time ago. Trying to navigate this the best way I know. I'll post again when things come to fruition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Thank you all for your posts. I find value in every one, good and bad. I'm trying to think of everyone's interests, not just my own. For now, as I prepare to leave, I'm setting up something where I'm supporting her and the family so she doesn't have to go out and find a job. This is advantageous for her. Having me at home is what she wants, even though we both know our future is tenuous. She's more than happy to keep me where I am regardless of the truth I've laid out between us, as she doesn't want us to part. This stage is not for me at all, it's for them. If it was just for me I'd have sold the house and left a long time ago. Trying to navigate this the best way I know. I'll post again when things come to fruition. Appreciate your updates, brcc! Wishing you the best as you continue on your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Hope things get better for all! I'm unsure why you think keeping her at home is to her benefit. Finding her way in the world would benefit her. If she becomes independent and knows she doesn't need to to rely on - that would serve her well. I hope she gets out there and works and builds her sense of purpose to a high level of being proud of what she can accomplish on her own. If she waits until she's older - it becomes more difficult for women to find their niche. It is/will become about her sense of accomplishment/purpose without you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 getting closer now. I've picked up a 3rd job after hours which should make me enough to get the apt and continue to support her. going back to the counselor as well to start building the framework to make the change as peaceful as possible. It's heartbreaking but I know it's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 Good to hear you are doing good. Best of luck, hang in there, things will eventually get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brcc Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 thanks iguanna. cocorico, if you read this, I'd love to talk to you privately to get more info about how your man made the transition, if you are willing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted February 14, 2014 Share Posted February 14, 2014 thanks iguanna. cocorico, if you read this, I'd love to talk to you privately to get more info about how your man made the transition, if you are willing... You can send this member a private message. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/197999-cocorico/ Link to post Share on other sites
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