Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[brcc]

SerCay, I married her because she needed someone. She was a mess, was crazy about me, wouldn't let me go. I posted details about this. The therapists said I looked at her as a project. I figured I'd grow to love her but it never happened. I've tried to leave her numerous times but she always begged me to stay and I always came back giving her a second chance (and 3rd, 4th, etc). Once I tried to leave her and she jumped on the open door of my car screaming as I was pulling out of the driveway. Another time, before we had kids, I tried to leave her right after she got an abortion, knowing I'd dodged a bullet. So utterly cruel, horrible I know. But further evidence I've never wanted to be with her. I love my 3 kids though, more than anything, so staying became a small price to pay to be with them.

 

We have great sex because she's VERY beautiful and I have definitely lusted after her in a physical way. After I finally told her I didn't love her, and the therapist told me we shouldn't have sex because of the mixed signals, I talked to her about it and she said she wanted to keep going, that she didn't feel used. I think she felt like it was one of the ways to hold on, keep our intimacy. That was always my weakness with her...

 

As you said, it could be the midlife crisis. I think I'm definitely having one. For the first time I've taken a hard look at my mortality, my past with her, my future, my life in general. I asked myself is this really the person I want to grow old with, and the answer was a resounding no. It always has been. Many times she's said she wants us to be together in the afterlife. I don't believe in that, but if it exists, that'd be the last thing I'd want. I'd just want to be free. I told her that, but she didn't seem to care.

 

I'd be a fool to admit this thing with the OW didn't have an impact on my perspective. There have been 5 or 6 other women who've been interested, like the OW, while I was married... one I almost kissed a few months after I got married, which again shows me I've never really been devoted in the right way. I've swept it under the rug and just plodded forward, never exploring anything with these other women the way I have with the OW.

 

Will it be better with the OW? I don't know at all obviously. I'm not looking to rush into another relationship, even though I do feel very strongly about her. The point, I think, is more with my wife and my lack of feelings for her. Now, because of the OW, my wife has changed her ways, is good to me, running marathons, really finding herself, which makes matters more complicated. I've always wanted her to be different, better, and now she is. She's really trying, for me, for us, for our kids, for herself.

 

To answer your other questions, part of me thinks everyone will look at these 22 years and say I'm full of it for leaving her (if I do), but the other part thinks that everyone actually knows the truth deep down, because they've seen the ways she's treated me and the subtle distance between us.

 

When I told my mom I was thinking about leaving her she said, without hesitation, I think you should do it! That surprised me. My wife has been pretty hard on her too over the years. My dad's not too keen on her either for those reasons.

 

Her parents have always treated me like gold, I think partly because I helped bring them closer as a family. When I met her they didn't believe in her, she didn't believe in herself, and I think I helped them change that just by encouraging communication, support of each other. Her brother was a Vicodin addict, she hated him for it because she went through the same thing with her father... her childhood role was finding his stashed bottles and bringing them to her mother who was in denial and didn't want to hear about it. They were a dysfunctional unit, and I think have been embarrassed about it, because I came from a good family. They were ecstatic when we got married.

 

All that said, it's a fear of mine, people's perceptions of me. That I'm not so noble anymore. I don't really feel so noble after all this... part of the midlife crisis- looking at myself thinking wow, you're really just another *******. Right now I think I'm very loved by friends, family... if I leave her? Probably not so much. Worst of all would be damaging my kids' perceptions of me.

 

So I don't think I'm trying to make myself believe the other woman is the answer to all my problems, they're just feelings that I'm trying to control. My heart leaps out of my chest every time I see her. She's a sophisticated beauty, astute, perceptive, funny, the most lusted after woman on our massive campus near as I can tell, from what the other guys tell me. And she's after me of all people. Obviously I'm captivated. I do worry that maybe I'm just in love with being in love, as many have told me, and might make a huge mistake leaving what I have. I have a great life now, except for the fact that I've never been in love with my wife, who guys are always acting stupid around as well, including me, apparently.

 

CuriousGeorge2, I'll look into the co-dependent thing. I think I'm definitely dependent on other people thinking highly of me. It's actually great being called a coward and other less-than-desirable things on this site... I really think it's good for me to hear, to show me sides of myself I'm reluctant to accept. Obviously, I'm a person with some real issues I've been burying. If we split, I think I'll feel pretty low about myself and probably others will feel the same, so that co-dependency might really come crashing down like a wrecking ball on me if I do this.

 

I put others' needs before my own too, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing! In the case of my marriage it is, just a colossal f'up... but in day-to-day life, I think it's quite a nice way to live, as long as you are getting what you need as well.

Edited November 9, 2013 by brcc

[rumbleseat]

I'm going to be vey blunt.

It sounds like you, on some level, resented your wife all through your marriage and some felt that she was beneath you, some sort of pet project for you to fix then pat yourself on the back for it.

 

Now she's fixing herself and doesn't need you anymore. She can stand on her own, so you're moving on to your next "project".

 

My advice is to divorce. Let her have that time to be on her own without you. Yes, she may hurt at first, but I don't think it will take long before she finds the kind of man who will love her for who she is and not what he he wants or hopes for her to be. You will have to accept that she will find, love and be intimate with someone new.

 

If you stay with her for the selfish reason of not wanting to look bad to anyone, then you need to recognize that she is giving you a great gift, even if she doesn't know it yet. She is giving up her chance to find someone who really loves her to be with a man who is more concerned with the surface appearance of his life than he is about her and how she feels.

 

If you do decide to stay with her, I would hope that you never cheat on her again. You can no longer use the excuse of " it just sort of happened" as you now know better and have had your eyes opened.

 

Things to think about.

[2sunny]

I think I may have an opportunity to exit gracefully soon, as I may have to work out-of-state on a project, and the wife and kids couldn't move with me. We'd have a long-distance relationship that could make for a smooth transition. The kids would get used to me not living there, in a harmless way, and from there I could just sort of keep it that way.

 

Still very passive aggressive way to go about it.

 

I think you've rewritten your M history. You're in a fog.

 

I wonder how great you think this is when your world blows apart and your truth comes to light

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Non-conforming content redacted

[AlwaysGrowing]

People always want to control outcomes. Don't want to look bad. Have no issue doing the deed, just don't want to look bad. Life does not work that way.

 

Healthy people, let others exist. They treat them respectfully. They understand their boundaries, and understand OTHER people have boundaries...and rights.

 

YOU.DO.NOT.GET.TO.CONTROL.HOW.OTHERS.FEEL.ABOUT.YOU.

 

I see strong martyr traits in you. If one is to believe your recollection, the whole relationship was a train wreck from the first meeting, but somehow, some way, your NEED to save her, over rode your (sorry I don't recall the exact number) NUMEROUS times you broke it off, got married in spite of KNOWING she was not the one, brought CHILDREN into the world, resenting her the whole time (even though it was your DECISION), most of your family dislikes her, turned down numerous offers from other women, etc....etc...etc...

 

 

If you want to go bang the other woman, stop trying to justify it to strangers..its so...icky.

 

OWN.IT.

 

For once, own your actions, do not pass the buck to anyone else. Not your wife, not your kids, not your mother, your father, the OW.

 

Stop trying to control the outcome. Stop trying to do damage control.

 

OWN.IT.

[curiousGeorge2]

brcc:

 

As other posters have mentioned, knowing the proper boundaries is what distinguishes co-dependence and self-sacrifice. I hope you don't have co-dependence, but in my case it's an earth-shocking discovery to find out that I have it.

 

I am keenly interested in this thread, as I am in a similar boat. I also tried to save my w by marrying her. I am still very attracted to her physically but have lost respect of her. The difference is that w does not love me very much from the beginning.

[Purepony]

My question to the op is : what happens if you break your marriage and then you and this woman dont work out?

[DaisyLeigh1967]

You were <wrong> to marry her when you didn't love her. THEN, proceed to have not one but FOUR kids?

 

Now she is trying to fix herself and you want to cat around with a piece on the side, and the piece is your true love?

 

Yeah. Okay.

 

Number one: Leave.

Number two: Live alone for at least a year. Don't get involved with anyone.

Number three: Nevermind. You are going to run straight to the piece and get all invovled fresh out of a divorce, the OW is going to leave you high and dry once the butterflies wear off, and you will be sitting there wondering WTF happened.

 

And how nice that you think you should get time to find yourself again, when your wife is raising four kids. Yep. Prince of a guy here.

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BeingMe]

So you've created this awful mess, can't face it and are running away from everyone?

 

Have you thought that you're really trying to run away from something in yourself?

 

Healthy people don't have affairs, they end their relationship, work on themselves and then start dating. You're not healthy and running away from the mess, won't sort out the mess that YOU are in. Standing up and owning your poor choices would be a good start, but you're going to need help to work on why you'd stay in a marriage you hate and why you'd have an affair rather than end the marriage.

 

Also, when they're in an affair, people often try and rewrite history, seeing their marriage with black tinted glasses. When they leave the'fog' of an affair and are truly working on themselves, the marriage often becomes a much better thing and less negative. It may be that your marriage truly is awful, but you need to stop contact with the OW to get out of the affair fog and then start work on you. Only then will you know for sure.

[stillafool]

Since you have never been in love with your wife and after 22 years are still not in love you need to leave. I don't care how much she begs you to stay because in the end she is still going to be with someone who isn't in love with her. If she is changing now she is only doing it to please you and this will not last indefinitely as she will sooner or later slip back into her real self (or at least I hope so.). It's never a good idea to try to change who you are to please someone else. I think you should set her free to be available for a man to show her what true love is because what you are offering is not it. Your kids will be hurt but will adjust if you guys handle this right. Your staying with your wife because she is now making changes is still no reason to stay in a marriage with someone you are not in love with. I agree with others who have told you when you do leave to stay alone for at least a year before moving on to another relationship. You do seem co-dependent.

[curiousGeorge2]

Healthy people don't have affairs, they end their relationship, work on themselves and then start dating.

 

 

With all due respect, do you think your statement applies to these people

 

A Einstein, JFK, R Roosevelt, Dr. King, W. Churchill, etc?

[Eggplant]

With all due respect, do you think your statement applies to these people

 

A Einstein, JFK, R Roosevelt, Dr. King, W. Churchill, etc?

 

It absolutely does. Selfish all of them in their personal lives.

[brcc]

So even though she still loves me a after all I've done to hurt her, even though I've been with her 22 years and we have 3 beautiful kids and a loving household, even though I've never been unfaithful (except emotionally), even though the OW and I don't talk or look at each other anymore, even though my wife's finally changed to meet all my (unrealistic) needs... all of you think it's still the right choice to leave and not continue to work on this? That there's no hope here?

 

For what it's worth I agree with what many of you have said about what a low-life I am. I feel it and deserve those comments entirely. I am truly confused and really finding out all these ugly parts about myself I guess I never wanted to see before, so I can say all of it, the bad with the good, is valuable- I'm very grateful for your posts.

Edited November 11, 2013 by brcc

[dreamingoftigers]

It absolutely does. Selfish all of them in their personal lives.

 

Einstein and JFK were notorious for being awful husbands. Just not as notorious as the other things they did and the legacy they left.

[dreamingoftigers]

So even though she still loves me a after all I've done to hurt her, even though I've been with her 22 years and we have 3 beautiful kids and a loving household, even though I've never been unfaithful (except emotionally), even though the OW and I don't talk or look at each other anymore, even though my wife's finally changed to meet all my (unrealistic) needs... all of you think it's still the right choice to leave and not continue to work on this? That there's no hope here?

 

For what it's worth I agree with what many of you have said about what a low-life I am. I feel it and deserve those comments entirely. I am truly confused and really finding out all these ugly parts about myself I guess I never wanted to see before, so I can say all of it, the bad with the good, is valuable- I'm very grateful for your posts.

 

Get into independent counseling, yesterday!

 

If you all of a sudden can love your wife because she changed things in the last week you wanted but you were willing to leave last week for a woman you really don't know all that well who "wants a man to worship her" then you have more issues than the UN.

 

You need to be evaluated. It doesn't mean that you are "scum" or a "bad person." You may just be in the throes of a midlife crisis. But you seriously should get your psychological health checked out.

 

You are clearly not convicted on what to do with your family of 22 years snd that is a very dangerous personal place to be in.

[rumbleseat]

I can't remember if you've told your wife or not about your affair.

 

Whatever you decide, that is the first step you need to take. The second is to be brutally onset with her about your feelings. Give her all the information she needs to make an informed decision. Do not hold back to spare her feelings. Talk to her and get her feedback, talk through things.

 

After you have told her everything, I would suggest booking yourself into a hotel for a few nights to give her time to think. If she wants to talk, she can send you a message let you know.

 

This isn't just about you, but also her and how she feels. As long as she doesn't know the whole story, her decision will not be an informed one.

[brcc]

Just to address some of your posts:

 

dreamingoftigers, I've been through much IC and plan to do more. Am here for the time being trying to keep this up until I find another one.

 

stillafool, I don't think she's fixing herself only for me. She's doing it for herself as much if not more. She knows she's had this ptsd and wants to overcome it.

 

beingme, yes I'm terrified this is all an illusion I've created, and that maybe I'm just trying to run away from problems in myself. Ie If I pull the plug, will this all come crashing down and I'll realize the great life I've lost?

 

DaisyLeigh1967, I was an ******* for asking her you're right. I was 24 at the time and thought it was the right thing to do, but obviously now, looking back... I don't know why I did it. I thought it was selfless but now I know better. I didn't know what I was doing. It was wrong for both of us. Yes now I've fallen for this other person, something I never saw coming, but I'm not talking to her or dating or texting or flirting or anything. We avoid each other.

 

Purepony, I would actually expect, if I divorced and went with this OW, that things wouldn't work out, I guess mostly because it'd be too good to be true that we were really soul mates. Likely another mistake I'd make. Nevertheless I feel those feelings for her, and am trying not to.

 

curiousgeorge2, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. We are very simliar I think, aside from the fact that my wife loves me very much, despite how horrible I've been to her over the past year. She knows about everything and still wants to try.

 

Who_knows, I'm not proposing to leave her with the kids. I love my kids more than anything. My out-of-state-job, if I take it, would be a childhood dream realized, something I've been working on after hours for the past 15 years, and if it was a go, would make us both very wealthy. I've told my wife I will always support her regardless of the outcome, both financially and emotionally, for life, even if we weren't married. I'd never leave her high and dry. She has said, of course, if we split, she wouldn't want me around, but I'd demand to stay in my kids' lives. I'm very close to them, my daughter is an over-achiever in all parts of her life, has collaborated with me in many of my projects, we regularly hang together, just us, talking about boys, high school life-- I'm her biggest fan and she is in no small part, my firstborn, the real love of my life. My sons and I have all the same interests, play together in the same sports, we're a tight 'boys club'. Both my wife and I are very hands-on parents. Despite all this f*&ing up I'm doing, I will never leave them.

 

AlwaysGrowing, yes I'm clearly a martyr, painting myself as something more than I am, shifting blame, to make myself feel better. Yes, I do want to bang the OW, but is that reason enough to give everything up and do it? I'm trying to own my actions, which is why I'm here- to help me do it! Again, the therapists have said, you can't control your feelings but you can control your actions. I'm trying to control my actions because my feelings are running away with me and I'm trying to find sanity in all this. What is right.

 

2sunny, I ask myself this every day. It is soooo selfish, and I feel like a jerk NOW, never mind after. I'm totally in a fog and delusional. Like I said, it's like a madness. I'm split, vacillating constantly, drinking myself into the ground to escape it. I suppose you're telling me it's not worth it! And so much of the time I feel you're right, that I should put my needs aside and stand up like a man to the choices I've made in my life, for better or worse.

 

rumbleseat, totally accurate, except I don't think I'd stay only not to look bad. I'd stay for our kids, because they have no clue about the problems really. They're happy with us together. And I'd stay because I've got so much invested in this... we've weathered so many storms together, and because I know I'm loved, and that's more than many have, and I'd stay in the hopes that I might grow to love and accept her for who she is so that we could have a happy ending. Like I said, she's been running these marathons, and is beating all these women half her age, and I must say it's sparked some real admiration in me for her. Part of what interested me in the beginning was her poetry too, she's a great writer, but she stopped all writing when we got together. Only now, in the past year, has she picked up the pen again. But she won't let me read any of it yet. Which I like, because I don't think I deserve to yet. If I stay, I don't think I'll ever allow myself to get close to any other women again, because this feeling with the OW is as bad as I can possibly imagine it would ever be. If I don't leave my marriage for her, I doubt I'd leave for anyone. And I'm not the type to sleep around just for the fun, I've never been unfaithful to any past lovers in the sexual sense.

Edited November 11, 2013 by brcc

[Snowflower]

brcc, I see some hope for you yet.

 

So, you broke it off with the OW? Was this recently?

 

I'm guessing you are in your 40s and are having the proverbial mid-life crisis. What seems possible in your 20s suddenly becomes more difficult in your 40s. I should know, I'm there too.

 

It seems you and your wife were mismatched from the beginning and yes, you should have reconsidered marrying her. It seems you have had one foot out the door for most of your marriage. Now that you are reevaluating your life, your mismatched union with your wife has suddenly become a point of contention. Hence, the OW.

 

You are not a bad person, but you need to do some serious thinking about your life. Try to do this without hurting your wife anymore than you already have. Stay away from the OW. She knew you were married so that is on her.

 

From what you write, your wife is facing some similar issues as you but is dealing with them in a healthier way. She has begun finding hobbies (running, writing) that fulfill her, not empty relationships (like affairs).

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would challenge you on your belief that you can not control your feelings. Isn't that what we teach children, to control their feelings. That once they do, they often feel differently?

 

I would also caution you against labeling what you feel towards the OW as love. Do you really believe in love at first sight? That you see someone and instantly love them? How about never knowing that person outside of one setting? Never seeing them interact in personal relationships? Or how they live? Love is a very strong word to use for a co-worker, that if you really thought about it...you do not know at all. We all have work masks. All of us.

[2sunny]

What you done to your wife and to your m is cruel.

 

Solution - exit so she doesn't experience your cruelty any longer.

[brcc]

Snowflower- THANK YOU! Yes we broke it off about 6 months ago and haven't said a word to each other since. And while this was happening we never openly talked about us being together, we never kissed, touched, or even sat next to each other. We kept it at arm's distance, for legal and emotional reasons I suppose. It ended after I gave her a birthday card. She came into my office and said "Did you think I was interested?" I said yes. She said "Well I'm completely not interested. I'm with my bf now. You talked about your wife too much." I said ok. I actually cheered to myself in my chair as she left that I was finally free of this mess, but of course my feelings persisted. And the following week she was hanging around my office door, walking by me in intentional ways, in short she was clearly not over it either. So I sent her an email saying "I want you to be happy, I wish you and your boyfriend all the best." A day later I got called into HR, where they told me she filed a report asking that there be no further communication between us, which we've both honored, with the exception of these ongoing fleeting glances, etc.

 

I'm absolutely trying to spare my wife any more grief. I think she feels, right now, that things are going in a good direction with us, as I've been attentive, trying to show her I'm ok, even as I type this. I don't want them to have to deal with this anymore, even if I still am. Still we don't say "I love you" outright, but say "ly" in texts or xoxo!, like we're edging towards it. I want to be able to say that to her and really mean it. I know it'd mean the world to her if I did.

 

AlwaysGrowing, that's a great point about children. Others have said simliar things. Do right, and the feelings will follow. They haven't for me yet, but maybe I need to give this more time.

 

I don't believe in love at first sight, at least for me. OW and I have known each other for years, purely professional, with no feelings. Regardless, you're right about saying the word "love" about her. Maybe it's wrong. I only mean it in the sense that she's reduced me to a schoolboy- A blubbering fool who cries in the latrine about her, dreams of holding her, talking with her about all we've been through together already... all the secret messages, the beautiful things she's done for me over the last year, in front of everyone without anyone knowing it's for me. None of which I've ever talked with her about openly. Like when she took a boyfriend during all this, she knew it hurt me. Maybe that's why she did it, I don't know, because she mentioned she doesn't care much for him, (which, if true, is a pretty f'd up thing to do to someone I know). Anyway, it hurt, and the next day I put a baby picture of myself on fb, me dressed in a red jumpsuit. The following day she wore a ridiculous red knit wrap to work. She never ever wears red, mostly all black stuff from Diesel, but she wore it all day, while everyone was making fun of her, calling her Mrs. Clause, etc. She wrapped herself in me, and was endlessly ridiculed for it but didn't care. It's one of the most beautiful things anyone's ever done for me.

 

We fell into this last Halloween. This Halloween, she wore red again. The only time since the Ms. Clause episode. She skipped all the H'ween festivities during lunch, staying in her office. I saw her sneak down to grab a salad at the very end of lunch in her red costume. We looked at each other for a pitiful moment, then I turned and walked away and she went back up to her office. I felt so horrible seeing her standing there in her crappy wig, with this longing look, like why can't you just be with me? Why are you doing this to me?

 

When I say love, it's because it's the only time I've felt this way about anyone. She's the only one in my life I've ever felt this way about. I want to be with her so badly it hurts. That was why the following night I parked next to her car and put flowers in my window for her to find. Another cheat. Felt so f'd up going home that night, talking to my wife, but put on a positive attitude so it was life as usual at home. It's this duality that's tearing me apart. Is she the one? Or is my wife? Will I always regret letting her go? Will I resent my wife unfairly for it if I stay? Or will I move on from the OW? I felt, at one point, after we broke it off, that no one can take this away from us. That I got to feel love in this way for someone else, and it was reciprocated, and I should be grateful, even though I never 'consummated' it. I got to experience it, as heartbreaking as it is, and maybe that's enough.

Edited November 11, 2013 by brcc

[curiousGeorge2]

brcc:

One advice is that many (including myself) are just giving you the random and often contradictory suggestions which may or may not applies to your situation. If it were me, I probably would be even more confused and torn than before.

 

In any case, good luck

[brcc]

curiousgeorge2, I don't know if it's possible for me to be any more confused. I started this thread hoping to get fresh perspectives because by this point I'm lost. I'm getting exactly that, and every post here is helping me form a more complete picture. I need more information to make this, the biggest single decision I've ever made, and at the moment, you're absolutely supplying it.

 

Like your posts about co-dependency- they're huge, again, another thing I've never really considered. Sort of pealing back the layers of smoke and mirrors I seem to have surrounded myself with.

 

The person who said "this guy's a real prince"... that was something that really stuck with me too. I've thought of myself as such for years... people have always treated me like that- my dad's a great surgeon and a fighter pilot, my grandparents were movie stars, and I'm in a leadership position at a major movie studio in LA, but lo and behold, when you distill it down, I'm really a liar and a cheat, among other things. I don't think I'm a bad person, just making lots of mistakes. Those words have weighed heavily ever since I read them.

 

Likewise about cocorico's post. Her similar situation and how her h overcame it. I don't know if I've read ANY posts that hit so close to home as that one. She gave me precisely the tools I'd need to proceed- and simple truths to seriously consider even if I don't.

 

Long story short, I think this is all really beneficial, so don't worry about my confusion. But thank you regardless.

Edited November 11, 2013 by brcc

[AlwaysGrowing]

Snowflower- THANK YOU! Yes we broke it off about 6 months ago and haven't said a word to each other since. And while this was happening we never openly talked about us being together, we never kissed, touched, or even sat next to each other. We kept it at arm's distance, for legal and emotional reasons I suppose. It ended after I gave her a birthday card. She came into my office and said "Did you think I was interested?" I said yes. She said "Well I'm completely not interested. I'm with my bf now. You talked about your wife too much." I said ok. I actually cheered to myself in my chair as she left that I was finally free of this mess, but of course my feelings persisted. And the following week she was hanging around my office door, walking by me in intentional ways, in short she was clearly not over it either. So I sent her an email saying "I want you to be happy, I wish you and your boyfriend all the best." A day later I got called into HR, where they told me she filed a report asking that there be no further communication between us, which we've both honored, with the exception of these ongoing fleeting glances, etc.

 

I'm absolutely trying to spare my wife any more grief. I think she feels, right now, that things are going in a good direction with us, as I've been attentive, trying to show her I'm ok, even as I type this. I don't want them to have to deal with this anymore, even if I still am. Still we don't say "I love you" outright, but say "ly" in texts or xoxo!, like we're edging towards it. I want to be able to say that to her and really mean it. I know it'd mean the world to her if I did.

 

AlwaysGrowing, that's a great point about children. Others have said simliar things. Do right, and the feelings will follow. They haven't for me yet, but maybe I need to give this more time.

 

I don't believe in love at first sight, at least for me. OW and I have known each other for years, purely professional, with no feelings. Regardless, you're right about saying the word "love" about her. Maybe it's wrong. I only mean it in the sense that she's reduced me to a schoolboy- A blubbering fool who cries in the latrine about her, dreams of holding her, talking with her about all we've been through together already... all the secret messages, the beautiful things she's done for me over the last year, in front of everyone without anyone knowing it's for me. None of which I've ever talked with her about openly. Like when she took a boyfriend during all this, she knew it hurt me. Maybe that's why she did it, I don't know, because she mentioned she doesn't care much for him, (which, if true, is a pretty f'd up thing to do to someone I know). Anyway, it hurt, and the next day I put a baby picture of myself on fb, me dressed in a red jumpsuit. The following day she wore a ridiculous red knit wrap to work. She never ever wears red, mostly all black stuff from Diesel, but she wore it all day, while everyone was making fun of her, calling her Mrs. Clause, etc. She wrapped herself in me, and was endlessly ridiculed for it but didn't care. It's one of the most beautiful things anyone's ever done for me.

 

We fell into this last Halloween. This Halloween, she wore red again. The only time since the Ms. Clause episode. She skipped all the H'ween festivities during lunch, staying in her office. I saw her sneak down to grab a salad at the very end of lunch in her red costume. We looked at each other for a pitiful moment, then I turned and walked away and she went back up to her office. I felt so horrible seeing her standing there in her crappy wig, with this longing look, like why can't you just be with me? Why are you doing this to me?

 

When I say love, it's because it's the only time I've felt this way about anyone. She's the only one in my life I've ever felt this way about. I want to be with her so badly it hurts. That was why the following night I parked next to her car and put flowers in my window for her to find. Another cheat. Felt so f'd up going home that night, talking to my wife, but put on a positive attitude so it was life as usual at home. It's this duality that's tearing me apart. Is she the one? Or is my wife? Will I always regret letting her go? Will I resent my wife unfairly for it if I stay? Or will I move on from the OW? I felt, at one point, after we broke it off, that no one can take this away from us. That I got to feel love in this way for someone else, and it was reciprocated, and I should be grateful, even though I never 'consummated' it. I got to experience it, as heartbreaking as it is, and maybe that's enough.

 

 

This whole post should be bolded. This OW?, not so sure now....went to HR to get you to STOP. What do you not understand?

 

There is no WE. You speak about things...unsaid....longing glances...etc. All these things one can conjure up in their own mind. I do not see reciprocated at all, I see a woman being fearful enough at work that she contacted HR.

 

You need to take a step back....a HUGE step back. You need to get yourself reality checked. Does your therapist know about this OW? and how you view the relationship.....love from afar...your perception that the OW? is sending messages just for you that no one else gets?

[brcc]

I know it could seem that way. The flowers in the window were a test of sorts. To see if she'd report me again. She didn't. I weighed this, hoping she wouldn't, and I'll tell you why.

 

After the HR report happened, we laid low for a while, I respected her wishes of course, and asked HR that she observe the same rules of no communication, and that we not be placed on any of the same projects in the future. They agreed. They said she just needs some time to get over it. So she exited the building her way, I left my way. When we passed, which was rare, I looked at the floor. She was looking very confident though, looking at me with her head held high, like, "you missed your chance buddy, I'm over it", and for a long time we just avoided each other.

 

But after a couple months, she started coming out of the woodwork again. At first it was just going out of her way to walk close by, but then it got bolder... walking between friends and I in a completely unnecessary way while we were talking, passing by a second and third time. At first I thought it might be coincidence but it kept happening, more and more obvious every time, she started looking very intense, like are you getting this? Until one day she practically bumped into me while I was talking to a friend. We both looked at her like what is she doing? He had no idea. Finally I realized she was reaching out.

 

A few days later, I thought I should 'communicate' back, so I walked to where she was standing in the lunch line, and turned my back on her in a clear way. After this, she stopped approaching me and I didn't see her for days. Then I saw her eating in a far away corner where she'd never eaten, and it tugged on my heartstrings, because I'm still feeling for her, so I walked by the table while she was talking to someone else, then walked by again. After that, we saw each other in passing and smiled at each other for the first time in months. Since then nothing has happened, except the Halloween thing, and the flowers, which again she didn't report, but easily could have. I've been avoiding her since the flowers because I felt guilty for having done it.

 

Before this all happened, when she was crying in meetings, looking at me, after the meetings she'd run away with her head in her hands. As I said she did this for weeks. In one meeting we kept rolling our chairs closer and closer in tiny increments until we were almost holding hands. She called in sick for a day, came back and in a team meeting said she slept 20 hours, because she was depressed about... and she stopped and looked at me, and continued on without giving an answer. She tried to persuade me several times to leave my wife, that I could still have a healthy relationship with the kids. Like once we were eating lunch with another friend, he left to go get something and she asked, slapping her hands on the table, "So are you going to leave your wife?!?". She got tested for STDs and told me the results out of the blue, way off protocol. Another time I told her I was working a lot outside of work, and that it was like having two jobs, and she said "what's your other job? Are you a male stripper?" I loved that one. So inappropriate - she apologized profusely for it. Like when she got back from Kauaii, and we had lunch. And she looked at me and said "it's the wettest place on earth" in a sultry way.

 

For many months it was just over facebook, where we'd send signals back and forth with our cover images or profile pics or post song lists... She'd post a forest burning, I'd post Jack and Sally holding hands, she'd post two cats snuggled together, etc, because my wife isn't on fb. I said many sweet things to her, which she'd smile demurely about or we'd discuss in a careful, you're-married kind of way. We discussed our dreams a lot too, and a couple of times looked them up in her dream dictionary, and the results were clearly about us, and we'd be uncomfortable for days after. She made a point to tell me after that that she'd had a dream about protecting a secret agent, knowing I had this potential other job coming up. In the dream dictionary it says a secret agent is someone on the verge of a big life change. We'd stay close at work parties, talk alone together about relationships after people left meetings in her office, etc.

 

This odd relationship, without being a real relationship, has happened through hundreds of these little events, and that's the extent of it, until she finally admitted it verbally in my office and in the same breath told me it was over. And I ended it there too. Until she came back as I described, communicating without words, as she was required to by law.

 

It was always hidden out of necessity. Nobody at work knows except her two close friends and one of mine (and 2 people in HR). Her two friends used to smile at me knowingly (I don't really know them personally), and I'd smile back, until after our 'breakup', then they stopped looking at me. The day the HR thing happened OW and I passed and she was the verge of tears, not angry or aloof or disdainful or fearful. Her eyes were glued to mine, looking sorry of all things, as if she was saying she had to do this.

 

I don't think I'm imagining it. If I am, boy, I do have some very severe delusions. But that would be great! Then I could go on living my life, putting this behind me, and just drown myself in therapy. Believe me I've been through this, questioning myself- is this even real. But it's happened over a year, not one instance or two, but hundreds... What I think is really happening is that she's trying to protect herself, and probably wants nothing to do with me because she feels it's never going to happen, even though the feelings are there. I'm sure she'd be relieved to see me go, but not for the reasons you're saying. I'm trying to have zero interaction, as is she... Maybe this means I've already made the decision about my future.

 

Writing all this down is so strange. My wife would be so sick if she read this. It makes me feel sick too in so many different ways. What I might be passing up, what I've done to my wife. How I'm a cheat and a liar. If she read all these details she would leave me for sure.

Edited November 12, 2013 by brcc

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't know what to tell u about your wife, but it's clear to me: and this other woman- never gonna happen. If u had any experience dating, that would be clear to u, too. So, u can forget about that.