Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[brcc]

I don't have any experience dating obviously. And I imagine you're right. Maybe this thread is for nothing and I should let this whole fantasy go and live my life.

[Nyla]

You are way too old to be mistaking a flirtation for true love. It seems like you are losing touch with reality. Have you thought about what could have happened if your flowers were not well received? The fact that you would do such a thing after a warning from HR speaks volumes about how lost you are.

 

Have your doctor refer you to a psychiatrist. You may also want to try a naturopath.

 

You want advice on how to proceed? Be grateful that your wife is turning over a new leaf. That will lead to a healthier marriage if you are man enough to appreciate her emotional growth. Think about how you would like your life to go on. Stay away from other women, especially if it will compromise your career. Divorce will hurt your children, however finding out that Daddy left for another woman will cut even deeper.

[rumbleseat]

It sounds like you are either seeing what you want to see, or this other woman is using and manipulating you because it gives her some kind of ego boost to know that she is getting to you.

 

For her to go to HR and complain then continue to flirt with you makes no sense, unless she is the manipulative sort who gets a thrill out of knowing you are in puppy love with her and that you would put yourself at risk for her. Does that sound like her? If not, then it's likely you are seeing what you want to see for your own reasons and assigning way too much meaning to insignificant things.

 

Either way, it's not "love" but more of a psychological problem in one ( or both) of you.

 

It sounds like you really need to stand back and assess the situation objectively. If you have told your therapist or counselor about this "romance' and they haven;t mentioned a problem with it, I would suggest you get a new one.

[curiousGeorge2]

brcc:

 

Either the OW is trying to get an ego boost from this or she is emotionally very unstable (or maybe both). Reporting to HR is a very serious thing; if she cares for you AND is emotionally stable, she would not have done it.

 

It seems that you are having a serious mid-life crisis. I would go to see a doc.

 

ps. I guess the OW is very young and seems very pure?

Edited November 12, 2013 by curiousGeorge2

[janedoe67]

brcc, I'm going to be completely pragmatic here and leave morality out of it just because...well, regardless of what the situation "should be" you are in the the situation that "IS."

 

You married your wife. She needed you. You didn't love her. You have resented her, and have become depressed. She wants you to love her, but has (regardless of what people like to focus on) done her own kind of damage to the marriage if she was verbally abusive.

 

Coming from my own frame of reference: I know what it is like to be married to someone who needs me. It is nice to be needed...to an extent. I'd rather be wanted. I also know what it is like to be married to a man who does not love me in the way I want him to love me. In several ways, I can identify with both you AND your wife. You also have 4 kids. Kids are important. Kids usually like Mom and Dad together. I also have kids. Neither of mine see the point in marriage....and it is likely because even though Mom and Dad are together, they have NOT grown up seeing the kind of authentic romantic marriage I grew up seeing. So was it REALLY better for them to see a bad marriage than a divorce? Who knows. Add to that that I know what it is like also to - however wrongly - have a "void" filled outside one's vows. I cheated. Morally, I HATE that I made that choice.

 

So.....with all that said, you have some options. You can stay and continue how you are now. You will be unhappy and depressed. Your wife will get to keep her husband, but you wont love her. Your kids will grow up with 2 parents in the house. Of course, unless they are very UNbright, they are smart enough to know something is missing, I don't care how well a couple "fakes it." Meanwhile you have this other woman you connect with. You could stay in your marriage and let this woman go. It would be considered by many to be the upright thing to do. You will likely not ever be in love with your wife, and she will know this. It may be that this is the life you "deserve" on some level for your attitude and your involvement with this other woman. Personally, a life of penance is not one that I would ever choose. Period. You could leave your wife and go directly to this other woman. That would hurt your family. Statistically, the chances of that working out are slim. You could leave your marriage and spend some time working on yourself. This would hurt your wife and your children would no longer have two parents in the home. They would be hurt too. However, you may personally be better off, and your wife may just find someone who WILL be in love with her.

 

There is no option that doesn't hurt. There is no option that erases your past actions.

 

Honestly, I can relate to a lot of your situation at the moment, except for the other person being there part. Morality aside, the most logical solution is to free you BOTH (you and your wife) of a marriage that - let's face it - would only magically become loving and intimate in a Hollywood movie, help your kids through the fallout as best as possible, and try to become the best man you can be given the realities which are, whether we like it or not, realities.

[stillafool]

The point is you do not love your wife, have never been in love with her and you are not in love with her now. It's never going to happen. Stop being selfish and cowardly and leave. You will still have a relationship with your kids. Good that your wife is improving herself as this will help her to be strong for her new life - without you. Don't waste anymore of your wifes youth and time staying with her when you are not in love. She deserves a man who is in love with her. There is no way to exit your marriage or stay in your marriage without pain. At least by leaving you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[bwright42tx]

BRCC:

 

I read through your post and all the replies here. I'm left with a few questions, and perhaps some advice:

 

You have mentioned more than once the amazing sex. I find it difficult to have truly "amazing sex" without some form of an emotional connection. Maybe it's not love, but I do believe there is a connection there. Beyond that though, who is it amazing for? Is it just you, or does your wife find the sex to be amazing too?

 

I actually think your job opportunity may be just what you need to get the clarity you need. Be open and upfront with your wife. Tell her you want to love her, but you just don't. Tell her this job will give you some time, by yourself, to explore yourself and your feelings and it can be a kind of trial separation. Let her know you're willing to work on the relationship while you're gone. Try "dating" your wife again while this long distance thing is going on. Maybe you'll find this easier when she's not in your face every day.

 

But be honest with her, give it a set time once you return. Something like 1 month. Tell her if you still feel the same after being back for a month then your going to end it.

[William]

Due to concerns from the thread starter about personally identifiable information, moderation closed the thread while those issues were resolved. The thread starter has requested the thread be re-opened, and moderation invites members to continue discussion within our guidelines. Thanks!

[brcc]

Nyla, while I appreciate your diagnosis, I'll hold off making a psychiatric appointment for now, but will concede I've had a big-time midlife crisis, and this woman is a big part of it. Clearly I've got some major issues having to do with love/relationships, and all of this combined to form the perfect storm in my life over the last year.

 

I have to disagree that this was flirting. I get a lot of women flirting, twirling their hair, acting coy, dropping sexual innuendos, etc. I understand those signs. This was crying and HR and pleading and secret messages sustained over the course of a year.

 

As I've said, I am grateful and excited for my wife turning over a new leaf. I agree I need to give my marriage more time to see if we can find the spark. She deserves that at the very least. While it's true there has been a lack of that one, simple, real kind of love for me, we have formed many other strong roots around it that have fortified our friendship/relationship and kept us together all these years. I do love her in many ways... just not that one way, yet, but maybe there's still hope for me.

 

Rumbleseat, OW is definitely manipulating me. Trouble is I liked it- I know she's just as screwed up as I am, which, as I've said so many times in this thread, is a huge part of my problem. Knowing it is half the battle I suppose. I told my therapist about her and all this, he said "you are in love". Hearing that was like a bomb going off in my face. What?!?

 

curiousgeorge2, I talked to the therapist about this too. That maybe this was a 'conquest' type thing for the OW. To see if she could break my marriage. I'm sure it is. I think she's pretty much always had whomever she wants. She's 38, but tall, slim, elegant, natural platinum buxom blonde who everyone around here drools over. She's anything but pure, which again, was a turn-on for me, as screwed up as I apparently am.

 

When my one confidant at work heard that I was still thinking about her after the HR incident, he said he wanted to punch me in the face. He's raised his fist a few times since then (a good friend, he'd never do it) threatening to knock some sense into me. After one of these meetings, she walked waay around, taking the long way to walk by our table. No one else was around. I said "see what I mean?" He snarled at me and told me how stupid I am. She's messing with me in a big way I know. She knows I was talking about her and I know she liked it.

 

JaneDoe67- bingo. Spot on. Though I think our kids DO see a romantic marriage right now, but that may change as they get older/wiser if I don't do things to repair the damage I've caused. When my wife ran her first 1/2 marathon a few weeks ago, we were there at the finish line. I was so proud of her, screaming her name like an idiot with tears in my eyes, thinking about what a strong, powerful woman she is, persevering through all this to accomplish what she has. She really is my best friend. I think she felt like she'd done something amazing too, and we really came together over this. My daughter has made fun of how I acted that day ever since. I'm trying to build off this and anything positive, and there are many things to build on, thankfully.

 

I would say there's a third option that wouldn't hurt. Which would be me finding acceptance with my decision to marry her, accept her for who she is, and my life, truly, from the inside out, without pretending. She's done her part to change enormously, maybe now it's my turn to fix who I am.

 

The way this has gone, I really haven't suffered any real damage. The people in HR are good friends of mine, and they know her, and were sympathetic when I told them the story. They said they were here to protect me just as much as her. The kids are happy too, my wife is happy that we're apparently moving through this test together. And last night, after I read the post from lucy_in_disguise (who I hope is not actually my wife in disguise), I think it sank in for the first time that I really need to let this go and move on as it's pretty darn clear that this whole thing with the OW is a disaster.

 

So regarding the marriage, time will tell. I'll try my best to do it the right way, without the passive-aggressive approach, which I think is possible because she listens and we communicate now where she didn't before, and I've now I've burned through much of my good karma, and am in a place where I need to put in some work to build it up again.

 

Bottom line is, A) I've got numerous issues to deal with concerning the concept of romantic love, and B) it's time to drop the OW... I think we're all unanimous. I believe I got what I needed from loveshack. I'm really thankful for all the insights you guys have given, which were as plain as the nose on my face I suppose, but we all go a little mad sometimes... seeing the truth is the only way to get better. Now, (with my guts all over the floor!) I think I'll step away from the forums and try to put this into action to make a positive change.

 

Gratefully yours,

brcc

Edited November 12, 2013 by brcc

[Quiet Storm]

I'd be careful because it's possible she's setting herself up to file an EPLI claim. Your company likely has Employment Practices Liability insurance to protect them financially from lawsuits & pay the cost to defend any allegations.

 

If you are making false assumptions, your little hints after the HR reprimand could consitute a "hostile work environment". She may have a valid claim, because she made her employee aware of unwanted contact, and they are responsible with providing her a work environment free of harrassment or discrimination.

 

If you are correct about her looking at you, walking the long way in order to see you, etc., then it is likely that she is manipulating the situation by baiting you. She wants you to make a clear move so that she has evidence in order to file a claim.

 

Companies pay out on these claims every day, and with policy limits ranging from $100K to $1,000,000, it is not chump change. Many times they will settle a case rather then defend it, regardless of the facts.

 

And please, let your wife go. You sound obsessed...she deserves so much better.

[brcc]

Thank you Quiet Storm. I'll be extremely careful going forward. If she is wounded I suppose this could be a way to get retribution. And I'll let my wife go if we can't overcome this, but I know she wants to try and I do too, so I'm going to put something into this one last time, now the glass house is broken, and see what we find together.

[brcc]

btw I agree she deserves much better.

[rumbleseat]

I've been married a long time too, and we've certainly had our ups and downs. The one thing that has gotten us through it all isn't the "romantic" love, it's the deeper, "friendship" love. We are each other's best friends and supporters. The romance part is still there, but there's times when that isn't enough.

 

 

Maybe you and your wife are like that? Maybe you need to change your perception of what "love" is? The "butterfly" love is great, but it's fleeting and comes a dime a dozen. It's the stronger love that lasts. If you have a foundation of that, then you may already be half way there.

 

Start romancing your wife. Give her flowers on her car, a special gift just for her, take a romantic getaway.

 

I'm sure you've heard the saying about he grass that you water the most is the greenest? Put that in to practice. Start spending the romantic energy on your wife that you've been spending on your other woman. Let yourself fall in love with her again.

[brcc]

So true.

 

The last forum I was on everyone had exactly the opposite advice as loveshack. Keep what you have if you're there for each other. Focus on the companionship, the friendship, as this is what all successful marriages evolve into once the passion has died. We certainly have strong bonds in this way. And we're quite lucky to also still be having wild sex 22 years in. I know this is very superficial, but I think she's better looking that the OW too.

 

I never got to share that passionate "butterflies" type of love with anyone, which is why this whole thing messed me up so badly, because for eons I really wanted to feel what it was like! But as I said before, I did get to feel it with this other person, and I know she felt it too, as heartwrenching as it was. She told me that once in her office, when we were, in a round-about sort of way, admitting feelings for each other. It hurts so much she said, but also feels so good. Maybe it was a sweet gift, and I should accept it as such, and not poison everything I have to chase it.

 

I think I'll always have a place in my heart for her, but my wife has stood by me, we've built something good together, even if it's not perfect. She has a place in my heart too. A big one. She's the mother of my children, is taking such good care of me now too... which we all know I don't deserve. Having someone who truly loves you is more than many have. I don't know what the future holds for us, but for all I've invested in this over the years, I feel like this is the right decision, to give it one last try.

 

We go on lots of dates, I buy her flowers, we do special things to keep it spicy, but I can always do more. She's been referring to me as her "cute boyfriend" now that we've sort of hit the reset button with all this therapy. I want to think of her as someone new too, as really she is. I know she'll still be the same person underneath, but the abusive wife is now history. She's definitely grown, worked on herself, and I haven't. I think this loveshack thread has unveiled my ample flaws - maybe it's my turn to do some growing.

Edited November 13, 2013 by brcc

[Dlucio1]

Sorry im new to the boards. Why is is so hard to be open to our spouses? If u love someone else, just tell your wife. be open. the whole world will find out in due time. we all want to be happy in our lives and time is important for some of us older people. My husband done me wrong and is still sticking with me instead of his ex, maybe because she is in another country, but deep down in my heart i feel he is doing it for the kids and loves his 1st girlfriend. here I am at work sending u this msg and I been here all day with no phone call from husband. day after day. month after month. my husband doesn't care for me. what a hurt. please tell ur wife that u have no feelings for her anymore, so that she can find someone who will appreciate her and she will feel alive again. I wish my husband can be open with me so I can start healing. I haven't yet because I still love my husband, been with him for 19yrs.

Edited November 13, 2013 by Dlucio1
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[curiousGeorge2]

brcc:

 

IHMO it's a good idea to give your marriage another try. If it does not work out, you can still say you have tried your best.

 

As for the OW, did she explain why she complained to the HR? I don't think she is trying to extort your firm, as she violated the HR agreement first.

 

As for not being loved, yes it hurts. DW rarely calls in to say she is late for anything, never does laundry for me, etc etc, but I have got used to it.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower- THANK YOU!Yes we broke it off about 6 months ago and haven't said a word to each other since. And while this was happening we never openly talked about us being together, we never kissed, touched, or even sat next to each other. We kept it at arm's distance, for legal and emotional reasons I suppose.

But after a couple months, she started coming out of the woodwork again. At first it was just going out of her way to walk close by, but then it got bolder... walking between friends and I in a completely unnecessary way while we were talking, passing by a second and third time. At first I thought it might be coincidence but it kept happening, more and more obvious every time, she started looking very intense, like are you getting this? Until one day she practically bumped into me while I was talking to a friend. We both looked at her like what is she doing? He had no idea. Finally I realized she was reaching out.

 

 

Before this all happened, when she was crying in meetings, looking at me, after the meetings she'd run away with her head in her hands. As I said she did this for weeks. In one meeting we kept rolling our chairs closer and closer in tiny increments until we were almost holding hands. She called in sick for a day, came back and in a team meeting said she slept 20 hours, because she was depressed about... and she stopped and looked at me, and continued on without giving an answer. She tried to persuade me several times to leave my wife, that I could still have a healthy relationship with the kids. Like once we were eating lunch with another friend, he left to go get something and she asked, slapping her hands on the table, "So are you going to leave your wife?!?". She got tested for STDs and told me the results out of the blue, way off protocol. Another time I told her I was working a lot outside of work, and that it was like having two jobs, and she said "what's your other job? Are you a male stripper?" I loved that one. So inappropriate - she apologized profusely for it. Like when she got back from Kauaii, and we had lunch. And she looked at me and said "it's the wettest place on earth" in a sultry way.

 

For many months it was just over facebook, where we'd send signals back and forth with our cover images or profile pics or post song lists... She'd post a forest burning, I'd post Jack and Sally holding hands, she'd post two cats snuggled together, etc, because my wife isn't on fb. I said many sweet things to her, which she'd smile demurely about or we'd discuss in a careful, you're-married kind of way. We discussed our dreams a lot too, and a couple of times looked them up in her dream dictionary, and the results were clearly about us, and we'd be uncomfortable for days after. She made a point to tell me after that that she'd had a dream about protecting a secret agent, knowing I had this potential other job coming up. In the dream dictionary it says a secret agent is someone on the verge of a big life change. We'd stay close at work parties, talk alone together about relationships after people left meetings in her office, etc.

 

This odd relationship, without being a real relationship, has happened through hundreds of these little events, and that's the extent of it, until she finally admitted it verbally in my office and in the same breath told me it was over. And I ended it there too. Until she came back as I described, communicating without words, as she was required to by law.

 

 

 

 

Hi brcc, I've been away but I hope your're still reading.

 

re: the bolded...can you explain the obvious discrepancy in these two statements? Did you or did you not sit right next to her?

 

I think you're lying to yourself most of all.

 

Has no one else here thought this woman at work is crazy-creepy? I wanted to take a shower after reading all this. Yuck.

 

Taking your marriage and wife completely out of this, I think this woman at work is completely whacked. I would say this to you even if you were a single guy. She is playing and manipulating you. Who flirts, then cries to HR, and then goes back to the same behavior again?

 

Seriously, it's like the 2 of you are in high school--but worse because you're grown adults. If you keep at this, you are going to lose everything, I mean everything. Your work reputation, your career might be jeopardized, your self-esteem, etc, etc. I'm not even going to discuss what will happen to you at home.

 

She sounds whacked. Really, almost creepy and certainly not emotionally stable. The red Halloween costume? Just almost stalkerish.

 

She knows she has gotten to you and she gets off on it in a sick way. I think if you go back and read your posts here on this thread in a year or two, you will see that. You will wonder how you could have been so darn gullible.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am surprised that a therapist would tell you that you are in love. That is not their role, to assign emotions to their clients. Many therapists have done more harm than good. Shop around next time.

[brcc]

dlucio1, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband. My wife knows about the OW. Please read the whole thread to see the nature of our relationship. We are still close in a messed up kind of way, trying to navigate our way through a troubled past. But we call and text regularly.

 

Snowflower, you're so right. OW's mother, who sounds like a wonderful, powerful, supportive woman, died when OW was younger, and her dad (who sounds like a creep) left her and her brother alone. so she definitely had a rough childhood, as did my wife.

 

She definitely has issues, and sees a therapist every week for this. I think part of her problem is that she wants to be loved, adored, and knows I feel this way about her, and she does about me. Which, I have to say, in general to everyone on this thread, it's easy to judge people until you walk a mile in their shoes, so don't be too quick to sum up a person until you know why they've made the mistakes they have.

 

To answer your question about the sitting, the time we rolled closer was in a regular meeting we had, where I usually say in the front, her behind me, which was sort of required because of the nature of the meetings. We were both team leaders. But when out of this setting, we never sat together by choice, because I think we were both scared to do so.

Edited November 13, 2013 by brcc

[2sunny]

So you intend to stay in the M now...

 

Yet you still call and text the OW you are in love with. How is that helping you get connected to your W? How is that helping to repair the damage YOU e a caused?

 

Change jobs! Your connection to this OW should not be tolerated by your wife!

 

Think of it this way - EVERY TIME you have contact with your OW - YOU are still betraying your wife!

 

You can't work on the m and see/communicate with the OW if you say you're mending things with your wife.

[rumbleseat]

dlucio1, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband. My wife knows about the OW. Please read the whole thread to see the nature of our relationship. We are still close in a messed up kind of way, trying to navigate our way through a troubled past. But we call and text regularly.

 

Snowflower, you're so right. OW's mother, who sounds like a wonderful, powerful, supportive woman, died when OW was younger, and her dad (who sounds like a creep) left her and her brother alone. so she definitely had a rough childhood, as did my wife.

 

She definitely has issues, and sees a therapist every week for this. I think part of her problem is that she wants to be loved, adored, and knows I feel this way about her, and she does about me. Which, I have to say, in general to everyone on this thread, it's easy to judge people until you walk a mile in their shoes, so don't be too quick to sum up a person until you know why they've made the mistakes they have.

 

To answer your question about the sitting, the time we rolled closer was in a regular meeting we had, where I usually say in the front, her behind me, which was sort of required because of the nature of the meetings. We were both team leaders. But when out of this setting, we never sat together by choice, because I think we were both scared to do so.

 

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to take off these rose colored glasses and see this woman for who and what she is.

 

It sounds like she has some of the traits of something called borderline personality disorder. While it's obviously impossible to diagnose her on an internet forum, I would suggest that you look up this personality disorder and see if it matches her background/behvaior. Then look at the prognosis for people dealing with this and also for the people they interact with. Does any of it seem to apply to her? ( I would also take a look at histrionic personality disorder).

 

When it comes right down to it, you need to look at her behavior. She flirted with you and got close. Then she reported it the the HR department. Then she started flirting with you again, in full view of others, knowing full well it could get you into hot water, hurt you, hurt your career, hurt your wife, hurt your family.

 

She is willing to hurt you and risk your well being in order to get her "fix". How is this "love"? How does her childhood and her past excuse her her current behavior?

[Snowflower]

I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to take off these rose colored glasses and see this woman for who and what she is.

 

It sounds like she has some of the traits of something called borderline personality disorder. While it's obviously impossible to diagnose her on an internet forum, I would suggest that you look up this personality disorder and see if it matches her background/behvaior. Then look at the prognosis for people dealing with this and also for the people they interact with. Does any of it seem to apply to her? ( I would also take a look at histrionic personality disorder).

 

When it comes right down to it, you need to look at her behavior. She flirted with you and got close. Then she reported it the the HR department. Then she started flirting with you again, in full view of others, knowing full well it could get you into hot water, hurt you, hurt your career, hurt your wife, hurt your family.

 

She is willing to hurt you and risk your well being in order to get her "fix". How is this "love"? How does her childhood and her past excuse her her current behavior?

 

Exactly^^^

 

brcc, I was trying to figure out what to say to you in response to your latest post but rumbleseat said it perfectly.

 

Thank you, brcc, for responding by the way.

 

Lots of people have messed up childhoods. I know a lot of people IRL who have had really messed up issues left over from what happened to them when they were younger. The thing is, the people I associate myself with are ones who have identified their issues and don't use their issues to hurt others.

 

Yes, I've judged her. She sounds like a whackjob. I would say this to you if you were an unattached guy. I'm trying to get you to see this from an outsider's perspective.

 

Your work buddy(ies) have said the same thing, according to what you write and they know more of the situations since they have seen it first hand. They know her and think you are crazy.

 

I am worried about you. You will lose everything over this whackjob of a woman if you don't step away now.

[2sunny]

How is it right to stay with your wife when you state clearly that you are in love with your OW?

[brcc]

Sorry, had to leave before finishing my last post...

 

Sunflower, just wanted to say it's all so high school you're right. My friend said it so many times. Anyone who has any sense can see what a disaster this is. That said, he's the only one who knows about this. She's not so obvious that anyone else would notice. It's all very cloak-and-dagger. Nobody else has a clue that this is going on aside from him (and her 2 friends, and 2 in HR).

 

I think she went to HR for three reasons.

 

1) I was sending her sweet nothings, the birthday card, etc, and by this time our non- "fling" had been going on for a while, and I think she started feeling, correctly, that I wasn't going to leave my wife to be with her. I intended to, but felt I had to vet this to make sure it was right before I jumped ship. Her therapist no doubt told her to leave this guy who is stringing her along. So she did.

 

2) She received a threatening anonymous letter in the mail, saying "Stay away or I'll f you up", which had the post office stamp from my town on it. Her name was all over my phone, not with romantic things, but work-related only, as we were both team leaders, and had to report to each other regularly. My wife has always been very jealous, and has trust issues because of her childhood, and I'm quite sure she sent this (that or OW made it up as a calculated thing to rock the boat between us). I'm sure my wife's intuition was also screaming at her, because she knew I had started therapy at that point, coping with my disappointments about our marriage.

 

I think OW wanted to defuse the whole thing, it was getting to be too much, and she was trying to make it clear in an official way that we weren't together, that nothing was happening. This would also allow me the space to leave my wife because it wasn't right for us to be together, not to run away with her.

 

3) I think she probably felt it was a good way to upset my marriage. If she did this, and I told my wife about it, which I did, it would rock us to the point of splitting up, which it didn't.

 

Because of the OW's past with her parents, her personal issues, I think she, like all three of us, just wants to be loved and adored. She's told me as much. She tried to do the right thing and break this off in a very clear, big way, hurting me in the process, which she probably derived some satisfaction from, knowing that this thing wasn't going anywhere, but has struggled with her decision since. She knows I adore her, so she came back, without communicating, out of pure need because she doesn't really want to let go. I know she's nuts about me. In other words, she fooled herself into believing she was done with me, but the feelings persisted.

 

Rumbleseat, I know it's a disaster. I know I see it through rose colored lenses. I'm absolutely guilty of that. I can see it with my rational mind, it's just my heart that won't shut up. I don't seem to be able to detach myself from the feelings, despite what my mind says. I think part of it, as I've said before, is that "night in shining armour" syndrome.

 

To give you some background on me, and why I might be like this... when I was young, my aunt became mentally ill. She was raped by her boss. She was part of a very Christian family, and thought that she'd sinned horribly, and never told anyone about the rape-- it ate her up inside until she finally saw the devil standing out on my parent's porch, and that was the end. Much of my childhood was spent moving her in and out of mental hospitals. I think part of my problem needing to be with troubled women comes from these experiences. My wife was raped too, and the guy who did it carved his initials into her arm. This stuff breaks my heart needless to say, so I think with OW, who I can see is clearly troubled about this, alone, and needing someone who really cares about her, I feel compelled to run to her side against my better judgement. Part and parcel of my own spectacular array of flaws.

 

No doubt the healthy thing to do is stand down, which is what I'm trying to do right now. I don't want to lose everything, which is A LOT.

 

2sunny, OW and I have zero interaction- certainly no texts or calls. The only interaction I've had with her over the past 6 months has been: the flowers I placed conspicuously in my locked car for her to see this Halloween ( a potentially dangerous mistake I know), me walking by her lunch table, and a shared smile in passing. We haven't said a word to each other in 6 months, both for legal and emotional reasons.

 

Since Halloween I've been in hiding, going to lunch at odd, different times to avoid her. She's doing the same. When I have seen her at lunch, she takes a path through the food lines in such a way that she can hide behind her hair, keeping way to the perimeter, never getting eye contact. We're both staying as far away as humanly possible.

 

I'd like to change jobs but I'm in a leadership position at a major movie studio. I've been here over a decade and can't just pick up and leave everything I've worked so hard to achieve. I'd be starting over. Btw the out-of-state job didn't pan out.

 

AlwaysGrowing, this is the same therapist who told me to "fool around"!! Unbelievable. I dropped him shortly after this and went with my wife's therapist, who is really good. I told both the OW and my wife what he said. My wife was furious. OW said it's not always wise to take other people's advice, because advice comes from that individual's perspective, not yours. I love that she said that, because I think she kind of wanted to cheat at that point, but she was trying to be strong and let the decision be mine. She is messed up, as all three of us are, this whole thing has been madness, but she definitely had her moments that were so grounded, lucid, giving. She's not evil or bad, she just wants to love and be loved like the rest of us. Love is the greatest thing in the world, but geez it can positively destroy you too, and all sense of reason.

 

2sunny, there are so many reasons why I'm staying, even though I have these feelings for the OW, all of which are detailed in my posts. My kids, my wife's life change for the better, the screwed up nature of my feelings for this other woman and her actions, the list goes on and on. If it were as simple as choosing based on love I have no doubt I'd be with her now, but it's so much more complex than that... I wish it were that simple. That might be ultimately what happens, that we part, but as curiousgeorge2 said, I think it's right for now to stay and work on my marriage to determine once and for all what is empirically (if that's possible) the right choice.

Edited November 13, 2013 by brcc

[rumbleseat]

Again, I know this is hard to hear, but this OW doesn't love you, at least not in any way that makes sense.

 

She is using you, plain and simple.

 

Compare her behavior to your wife. Your wife is willing to work hard for your marriage, to make herself "worthy" of your love. it probably hurts her terribly every day to know that you say you love someone else. She is willing to put herself through all of that just for the chance that the two of you can form a loving relationship. She has undertaken great changes, both physically and mentally, and that isn't easy. She is facing her past and working towards being the type of woman you can love. That can be a very painful process, but she's willing to go through it for you.

 

You are a very lucky man to have someone like that. Most people go their life looking for that type of love and devotion, but few will ever find it. You lucked out.

 

As for this OW, yes, she may have had a hard past....but you know what? Lots of people have and they won't treat you like she is. As I said, she is willing to risk your well being, willing to hurt you, to get her reeds met. Her need for validation, her need to feel like someone wants her, her need to be the one you'd give your marriage up for. When you didn't, she hurt you in a big way that made you look bad and blamed the whole thing on you. She's playing you like a fiddle because she know you care.

 

That is not love. That is manipulation. She knows you have hard a hard past too, and she is using that.

 

 

i'm sorry about your aunt, that sounds terrible for her. Remember though, this OW is not your aunt, and by "saving" her, you won't change your past.