Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[2sunny]

Tell me how it's really fair or right to your wife - that you focus most of your words here about your OW?

 

 

It may be your primary problem = too much focus on the OW and not enough on your wife...?

[brcc]

rumbleseat, I know I know you're right of course. btw my wife doesn't know I "loved" the OW, she just knows I had feelings, though I'm sure she suspects. After the 1/2 marathon though, with me cheering her on, I think she's feeling much more comfortable that I'm here to stay. We've been very close since.

 

As an aside, I do think OW felt something close to love, even if it was messed up. She was often times visibly shaky around me. I caught her a number of times 'getting up' for a situation where she knew we'd be together. And all the running away like a schoolgirl and the tears... to me it's all saying desperation and conflict. I think she felt something pretty strong.

 

She's been manipulative obviously, but not playing with me I don't think... she's not really that type. I've really gotten to know her (at least the sides of her she's wanted to shot me) over the past few years, and she's pretty shy for the most part, smart, hard-working, dedicated, professional, except where it pertains to this fiasco. She's got a killer body, but she hides it. She doesn't flaunt herself like some women.

 

I know this is neither here nor there, but I just want to say that because it's easy to paint her as a villain, and I don't think she is one. I think she really just felt something and it ran away with her, as it did with me. I'm not forgiving or excusing it, just saying it seems to have happened this way. I think I'd see it if this were all a thing where she knew she had me on a chain, but it doesn't feel that way at all. Like the red Halloween costume. She tried to avoid me that day, I just happened to see her. She came down literally in the last few minutes lunch was being served, so I knew she wasn't making a big deal of it, just trying to keep to herself. It's entirely possible the red costume is just something I'm reading into, with my rose colored lenses on! Point is, she seems just as confused as I've been, not like this is part of her grand plan to keep her puppy chasing her around. We're avoiding one another, it's not just me avoiding her.

 

Bottom line with all this is I know it's not right, and as someone said, "never gonna happen", which is likely what she's thinking too.

 

And I'm so thankful, and admire my wife for everything she's done, for me, for her, for us. It's remarkable. She keeps telling me I don't know what I have, and I'm terrified if I lose her those words will haunt me forever.

 

All while this stuff was going on, she was a saint, pure and simple. She was so good to me. Granted it was because of the OW that she started, but that's irrelevant. She did it. She's never been there for me before, but she is now, in exciting and powerful ways. It's like I need to catch up and let it all sink in because even though it happened over the course of a year it's like the blink of an eye for me.

 

Contrarily, while she was being a saint, OW was getting increasingly colder until the HR thing happened. Again, my rational mind kept telling me this- look at what you have in this hand, everything, and look what's in the other, nothing. There's no comparison. It's such a no-brainer. It was all so befuddling I suppose because it was precisely the opposite when it all started... That's WHY it started. It was a perfect flip flop, and I'm in the middle like an idiot watching the whole thing unfold, trying to catch up. Both women were many steps ahead of me the whole way.

 

So yes rumbleseat... truer words have never been spoken. Again, I think I got to feel the butterflies, which is what I needed. It was a gift. Now it's time to come back to the ground and see what's before me, how my life has changed as a result. I'm lucky to have a life at all, after everything I've been through. But surprisingly my life is completely intact. As my friend said, you've weathered this without any real damage (knock on wood).

 

2sunny, most all of my therapy and other forum stuff has been about my troubled marriage, which you guys haven't read. I hadn't talked much about my feelings for the OW, just kept them bottled up inside. I came to loveshack precisely to talk about the OW, knowing that, even though I don't want to, I still have feelings for her that I'm trying to get past. I was hoping to find an answer to help me resolve it, which I think I have.

 

I'm hoping the more distance I put between myself and OW, the closer I'll be to my wife, who I've never truly loved, but she's never given me any reason to until now. It's on me to wake up and see her in a new light and appreciate what I have. I want to.

Edited November 13, 2013 by brcc

[rumbleseat]

I see what you are saying, but I also think you need to keep your logical wits about you.

you say on one hand that the red Halloween costume was some sort of coded message to you, but then you also say that she went out of her way so you wouldn't see it. Using your logical mind, does that make any sense?

 

I'm not saying she's evil, but what I am saying is that she sounds lies someone who, somewhere along the line, learned to manipulative people as a coping strategy to get her needs met. It likely has always worked for her, so she keeps using it. People, are like that, we all use coping strategies, and even if they are negative, if they work, we use them. She's no different.

 

As for others giving you gifts, what gift will you give to herself it of allow this? Perhaps the best gift would be self knowledge, introspection and being will to learn and grow. It sounds like you are doing that.

 

It also sounds like there is a spark of love for your wife. Just the way you describe how you felt when she completed the marathon is reason for hope. I would suggest that you not compare that to the feeling you had for this other woman. Look at them in their own right and assign whatever value you feel is appropriate. Just in my own opinion, it sounds like the mature sort of love that will, I f you allow it, stand the test of time and not fade away like the limerance that it sounds like you feel for the other woman.

 

Is It Love? Or Limerence? | Happen Magazine

[2sunny]

Yet just about a week ago you title this thread "don't love my wife"

 

"In love with another woman"

 

And you keep contradicting yourself about contact with the OW - so I can't figure out how to believe you.

 

Why not make this simpler? Move out and be all on your own for a full year!

 

Figure out what you feel and who you really have feelings for. Stay away from both women and do some soul searching.

[brcc]

2sunny- I still am not in love with my wife and in love with another woman. I still have the feelings, which is why I'm here. I'm just trying to do my best in a very confusing situation. I'm sure I'm still making lots of mistakes. I can't afford to move out and support my wife and kids at the same time. I'd like to have the down time and do the soul searching but don't have that luxury. And my wife has said there's no 'trial separation'. It's either divorce or let's get on with it.

 

I read the article rumbleseat, and (ugh) I hate to say that this falls on the side of love, not limerence. It's true our feelings were intensified because they were 'forbidden', but, checking off the items in the article:

 

1) Love supports personal happiness. Limerance is about control.

 

OW let me go, and I let her go for all intents and purposes, or we tried. How it happened could easily be argued either way. Maybe it was all calculated, a stunt, I don't know. But she wasn't vindictive, as she could've been. She didn't go around saying bad things about me. The report she filed was respectful, not incriminating, or so the HR people told me. She reported me for selfish reasons I think, to break away formally, but couldn't stand it. But while we were in this, she listened to me drone on about my wife and our problems, something she probably detested, but she did it regardless, listening attentively and telling me things that might help me feel better, not things to coerce me to be with her. Once, after I told her I was feeling particularly low, she gave me a movie called "Happy", which was all about (surprise) finding happiness. She said under her breath once that everything that comes out of my mouth is amazing. She said if the threatening anonymous note was from my wife she'd take no action against her. I feel like, until the end, she was supporting my happiness.

 

Control is what my wife has done to me over the course of our marriage. She said she wished she'd sent the note. She regularly refers to OW as ugly and a witch. This is to be expected of course. She's been exceedingly controlling, until now, because of her childhood and because she knew I didn't want to be with her. She cloistered me, kept the things she loved under lock and key. She's done that with our kids as well.

 

2) Love is give-and-take. Limerence is an unrequited infatuation by one individual.

 

OW and I were clearly passionate about each other. We gave each other many things. It was both of us, not one, not by a long shot.

 

For our entire marriage (until now) I have given to my wife and she has taken. And I'm not exaggerating. She did give me one amazing gift, my kids. As I said though, now she's giving a lot more. And selflessly at that.

 

3) Love constitutes 2 individuals who share individual experiences. Limerence exhibits dependence.

 

OW had her life, I had mine, separate, but we shared our experiences. This was out of necessity of course, as we were not "together", but she really listened with care to everything I said, had insightful, selfless, constructive, therapeutic feedback, and I tried to give her the same. She respected my need not to cheat. I went to her stand-up comedy set, and we talked a lot about what being a good stand up requires. There were many many things we saw eye to eye on. I realize this is part of that initial, passionate stage of a relationship, where everything is fun and interesting.

 

My wife has been co-dependent in the extreme, lost as a person. She's done numerous things simply to impress me. I've told her you don't have to do that but she has regardless. Like getting a job in the movie business, which she quit a week later (because she couldn't put in the time because of the kids- totally legit reason). Only now is she finding herself and doing things for herself, which is a turn-on.

 

4) Love means honest communication. Limerence is game playing and manipulation.

 

OW and I communicated honestly, on the same level while there was openness between us. I always knew where she was coming from, until, of course, it all fell apart and she tried to end it. There has been much game playing and manipulation since then though, as we've discussed, out of desperation and hope I think. But she's really doing nothing to force me to do anything now. She's just living her life and I'm living mine. When I turned my back on her, she respected it and left me alone.

 

My wife told me she'd chop my thing off if I ever looked at another woman. She sent the letter to the OW. She flipped me off behind my back as I was tucking my daughter into bed, all for my daughter to see. I think this is desperation too. Again, she's really turned this behaviour around in the last year.

 

5) Love is flexible gender roles. Limerence is macho man and subservient woman.

 

There was no subservience on either of our parts with the OW. No chasing (except when she came back to me after HR). More just running away, coping with what was happening. She is a strong woman as I said, fiercely independent. I get the feeling if we were ever together she'd take no s*t. She can hold her own in a den of wolves, as she's proven time and again with all the crude guys here, she's usually the lone woman.

 

My wife does everything for me. But she likes to, and I like it too. I think this is just giving more than subservience. She takes pleasure in making me comfortable. Even so, sometimes I wish she wouldn't. I wish she'd stand up and say no.

 

6) Love is close sexual interaction. Limerence is fantasy.

 

This one obviously favors my wife, because there is no other option. I don't think of the OW while I'm with my wife.

 

7) Love is support. Limerence is posing as the person's savior.

 

This one favored OW at the beginning, but now my wife is very supportive, and OW is no longer providing this for obvious reasons. OW never tried to be my savior... after all she reported me. I know you could argue this one falls under the manipulation category, as does her returning to me. But really I think this is because she's confused about her feelings.

 

 

All in all, I know in my heart of hearts this was real for both of us. OW was never the type to cling, or flaunt herself. She is very clever though, so maybe she's got me snowed. She has only 2 very close friends I think, they are both very high ranking, very intelligent, well respected people. She previously dated one guy around here who everyone, including myself, thinks is a genius. Hopefully you can see why I find her such a magnetic person by all this, despite the trouble we've had. She really is a stunning human being imho. Not a manipulative b#*tch, I've seen those too.

 

Accepting this, and everything I said above, I still think the right choice is sticking with my wife, because she's apparently shifted from limerence to love, and I have so much invested in this, I don't want to throw it all away.

 

I know many of you may laugh at this, saying that I'm full of it or blind. I'm sure you could make a healthy argument to support it too. I'm just saying that's how I see it as of today. We felt something for each other and parted, because apparently it's not in the cards for us.

Edited November 14, 2013 by brcc

[curiousGeorge2]

It will be very hard to be madly in love with ow but still married to dw. But it could be done, I can assure you. You probably already realize this in any case.

 

You explained the possible reasons that ow reported you to HR. But still she could have done it in a different and less damaging way, unless either you are much more powerful than she is or you had failed to listen to her more subtle warning.

[rumbleseat]

Oh dear, you really are deep in it, aren't you ( some people call it "the fog" )

 

 

I once knew a man who'd been married many years, and he met a woman very much like the ow in your situation. Everyone else could see what she was doing but him. He was warned, but refused to see it. He's lucky his wife stood by him, or he would have lost everything. Five years later, and he wonders what the (bleep) he was thinking.

 

 

Let's take an objective look at her behaviour, and see what is going on...please correct me if I make mistakes or poor assumptions, as I could very easily be wrong.

 

You say she is a good person, etc. I know this may upset some people, but good people don't try to get involved with married people. This isn't an accident on her part, she didn't get too close without meaning to. You say yourself that she is sending you these coded messages, and the idea that she went to hr out of some altruistic reason is (no offence) cr@p. What kind of a person does that ? So she was "respectful" when she reported you. What difference does that make? What did she say? "I'm in love with my coworker? " or did she say something else?

 

 

 

You also say that she had romantic feelings for you, yet she felt fit to give you advice on your marriage? Come on, that's nuts!

 

There are women out there who are very much like her. They go through life hurting people, but are very good at putting on the "little miss innocent" act. And what's with all this melodramatic high school cloak and dagger secret messages stuff anyway ? How old is she? 14 ?

 

From what you say, she also knows that you are trying to work on things with your wife, yet he has zero respect for that. She knows that you have a thing for her, and she is using that to get her jollies.

 

She is playing with you, and probably getting a big charge put of the fact that she is manipulating you. It probably thrills her to no end that you are comparing her to your wife, and pining for her. Al this stuff about her hiding from you is nonsense. Coming in at the end of lunch? Why do you think that is? Likely, she knew she'd be coming I. When it would be only her at the door and you'd have no choice but to see it.

You say she has years in her eyes about you at meetings, wears clothes that are meat to send some sort of coded messages to you based on your Facebook pictures, brushes up against you, comes between you and someone else when you are talking, hides behind her hair, etc. that is not so end who is respecting you, your wishes or your personal space. Why do you think your friends are against this? If they know her, and you, and they think you should smarten up, what does that tell you?

I don't think she's in limerance, I think you are. You are blind to the fact that she is using and manipulating you. You say the words that you think she may be, yet you excuse it and act as if she is some kind of little girl who doesn't know any better.

She is a big girl who knows just what she is doing.

 

I know I sound mean and harsh, but you are talking about the rest of your life and the life of your wife and children. Get more therapy from someone competent, spend some time with your real friends (this ow is not your friend) and sort yourself out.

 

Yes, you may have never loved your wife, and yes, she may have treated you terribly in the past and maybe you'll never get past that. The problem is that you say you want to try and make it work with her and find love with her, but as long as this ow is still in your atmosphere (if you understand my meaning) you'll be forever comparing the two and unfairly judging your wife.

 

I hope you can sort it out, I really do.

[brcc]

Such a great post rumbleseat. No offence taken. I do have it bad.

 

I think there could definitely be a part of her that is enjoying this... her ultimate conquest. And I've thought, if I do leave everything, maybe the fun is over for her and she'll discard me.

 

You're right about good people not getting involved with married people. I think part of the reason I'm in so deep is that I was so unhappy in my marriage. That's great to hear about the guy who'd been married and met a woman like this, and that he's happy now, not having gone through it.

 

I agree with the harsh approach of going to HR. That's why my friend wants to punch me for still caring. We both agreed she could've just talked to me about it, but she chose this route of not talking openly about our feelings. I think because she was scared about the legal ramifications if she did. I could've used it against her. I guess she was smart not to.

 

I can't agree with her getting close to me intentionally. We had to because we led the same team. We were put together by the company, working together for 2 years. I heard it described once as propinquity- exposure, basically, the catalyst.

 

She didn't give me advice on my marriage per se, as she's never been married, just listened mostly, though she did say things like 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and that I could leave her and still have a relationship with my kids. But she didn't couch it in, "so we can be together" (which HR asked me). But she definitely persuaded me to leave on numerous occasions, in a desperate kind of way. I think the cloak-and-dagger stuff was again, because legally she'd get herself in hot water if she was overt. She took herself off of facebook entirely after a while. Probably because she was scared there might be evidence there of our connection.

 

As for the lunch thing, I always go right at noon, she knows that, and she came at 1:30, the last minute she could. There's no door, no way she could set that up. If she was trying to do something there she would've been in the crowd with everyone else and positioned herself in such a way to be seen. That one was purely coincidence.

 

When she did walk by in conspicuous ways, she trying to send a message (she never brushed against me). Once it was communicated, she stopped. I realize this is still manipulation, 'feeling me out' to see if I was so pissed by the HR thing that I didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore.

 

Everyone loves her around here too. The only one who doesn't now is my friend, who knows all the details. But she's very well liked by everyone, nobody has anything bad to say about her. It's not like she has a reputation for this kind of thing.

 

Still, she is a big girl and knows what she's doing certainly. And you're right again about me being in her atmosphere. It's torture. I want to get out of it. I am physically, but I haven't been able to sever it completely, move on from her. I'm desperate to find a way.

 

You may be right, I'm in limerence, not in any of the traditional ways, not outwardly doing those things, but still in my heart, which blows.

 

My friend just visited, I told him some of these things, and he said don't over analyze the good things happening with my wife either. I'm trying not to, but every good feeling about her I pounce on, cling to- thinking "there it is!" hold it like there's no tomorrow. I want to let the feelings ebb and flow, and really do this right, removing the OW from my heart/mind completely. It's just easier said than done. But this and other posts help it a lot.

 

So thanks so much for that breakdown. I need to read things like this to help me process, find clarity. I'm definitely still in the fog, even though I often pretend I'm not.

Edited November 14, 2013 by brcc

[rumbleseat]

I can empathize with your confusion, and it's good that you are trying to sort your way through it. It can't be easy.

 

What your friend says about your marriage and not over thinking things makes a lot of sense. Letting things happen as they come, you can't force them.

 

Something that might be helpful to try is to consider your marriage as being two separate parts. Before and after. In the "before" she made a lot of mistakes and you made some too. When you both feel ready, agree to forgive each other and let the past be the past. After starts then. Make new memories that are good and not tainted. Be , in essence, newlyweds. Newlyweds don't force the good times, they just welcome them as they happen, like you did with the marathon you watched. You didn't plan it, it just welled up and made a good memory.

 

It's not going to happen right away, feeling love for your wife, but in the grand scheme of your life, it will be time well spent. It can even be fun, if you let it. Try joining some new activities together that challenge you both and require you to depend on one another. That can help to build trust in each other, which can be really helpful. Talk about your hopes, dreams and goals for your life together or just sit with each other and enjoy being together.

 

In a weird kind of way,you two are lucky. You are setting off on a new adventure together and trying to find your way to a place where you have never been. From what you say, you are both open to it, and hopeful. It can be an amazing road to travel, so sit back and enjoy the trip. With any luck, one day, without even knowing exactly how it happened, you'll realize that you have found a love for your wife that you never knew you had.

[2sunny]

You're still in the affair - since she's still taking up all this space in your head.

 

That's not at all fair to your W when you're pretending to connect with her.

 

If you intend to stay married - you should sit your wife down and go through all of these feelings with her! Discuss your resentments! Work through them to the other side.

 

And if you intend to stay married - you must leave that company/location! If I was your wife - that would be my first indication of whether or not you really intended to end it with her or not. And don't say you can't quit! Yes, you can. Unless money is more important than your marriage.

 

Either way - decide! Then take steps to be either all in - or end it.

 

But it's still not right that you are "in love" with the OW (or your fantasy of her) instead of your wife .

 

In many ways - I don't see you having respect for your wife - that's a huge problem too. No in love and no respect.

 

If nothing else - tell your wife everything you're feeling - she deserves you learning how to get honest with her.

[brcc]

thanks for the posts.

 

rumbleseat, I like that, two separate relationships. I'll definitely adopt that. and I thought a lot about what you said about ow playing with me. I really just can't see that, as she's doing nothing. She has to eat! She has to have a life. Maybe there was before but there's no manipulation going on now. She's just trying to get on and so am I. I don't want to think about what she may be trying/not trying to do anymore... just want to be at peace with it. I honestly think she's trying to do the same. I just need to focus on myself.

 

2sunny, all great points. I may still leave the job. I have another great offer, so this could work out, but regardless, while I still have feelings sometimes, I also think I'm developing them for my wife too. nothing is cut and dry in this, but I'm so happy to be feeling these things, and that she changed. it's very clear now what I need to do... exploring this new marriage I have. I think I can manage the other feelings, as ow is not playing with me our coming after me in any way right now. if she does I'll find a way to avoid her gracefully.

 

Anyway, thank you loveshack! I came here looking to vent, get guidance-I don't think I ever thought I'd really reach a concrete answer on a forum, but I'm pretty sure I did! very grateful to all of you! cheers!

[Snowflower]

brcc, I was happy to come on here and read your latest posts. It seems you are definitely moving in the right direction with your thoughts. I'm glad the posts here have been helpful.

 

It means a lot to me that maybe something I wrote from my painful experience maybe helped someone else avoid a similar path.

 

Just a couple of thoughts. Yes, the woman at work may be very nice and well-liked. However, that "niceness" may still cover some disturbing issues that she has.

 

Another thing, you mention that she has never been married and furthermore, she had a boyfriend when some of things happened with you. Don't you find that disturbing? You describe her as an attractive, nice woman. Don't you think she would either be married or have a serious relationship? Perhaps other men have sensed these issues in her and therefore didn't develop a serious relationship with her. Also, the issue that she perhaps cheated on her boyfriend by flirting with you doesn't bode well for any future relationship with her. Remember, I would say these things to you if you were a single guy.

 

Your marriage is a separate issue. I'm glad you're finding your way back to your wife. I hope that can continue.

 

End of my rant about the work friend. I just see danger all over this (as do others here responding).

[brcc]

thanks Sunflower.

 

I really think ow is a good person. I think she isn't married because she's gorgeous and brilliant and knows it, and therefore has very high standards for her partners. Maybe too high. She's dated 2 directors here already. I think she's looking for the man of her dreams who maybe doesn't exist.

 

It's clear she's got some things to overcome herself, but she's a bit of a self-help guru, I know she'll be fine. I think I really did love her in the truest sense, and she had strong feelings for me, and I'll probably always feel she's something special...she gave me so much, had such a huge impact on my life, I love her for it.

 

So did you Snowflower! Many on this site seem very angry and bitter. but there were a few gems like you, cocorico, rumbleseat and curiousgeorge2 who really helped me. I cant thank you enough.

Edited November 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[brcc]

cocorico, hopefully you're still around. If

so

, could you please elaborate on what behaviors, patterns your

h

worked hard to change in himself? Sorry, I should've asked you this before.

[Mcle]

I think you are fooling yourself here. This OW does not love you. I also think you are rewriting your marriage as most cheaters do to justify their actions so they can continue to feel like a decent person. You say your marriage is a lie and you do not love your wife but then you say you still have hot and frequent sex. You said the marriage was just to be nice but then you had 4 kids? Your "explanations" do not make sense and appear to simply be justifications for your crappy behavior. Let your wife go. That is the only way for you to see reality as you prefer to live in fantasy land.

[curiousGeorge2]

I am probably one of the few people who found the story about the ow plausible, except for the reporting to HR part. OW was not bent on destroying your marriage, since only you can do this. But I also believe you either misread or read into too much the "coded messages" the ow sent you after the HR reporting. She is unwilling to continue the EA in the current state.

 

 

In any case, thank you for sharing the story with us which mirrors somewhat mine, and good luck in whatever route you choose.

[brcc]

Mcle, wish this were true but the evidence is there. My wife would tell you the same. I don't think I'd be trying to resolve things with her if I were rewriting history. I'd just leave it at that and go. She's presented me with a real challenge though, putting all this work into herself to be a better person, and I want to find out more. I know this all sounds impossible but it's true.

 

cg2, thanks. It all happened, for real. At least that's how i saw it through my love-sick goggles. As I said she's not doing anything to pursue me anymore, and I'm not either. I'm ready to put that energy back into my marriage.

[2sunny]

Did you take the other job offer?

[whirl3daway]

Well. I've read this whole thread, and can only come to one conclusion. OP is batsh*t crazy, his wife WAS batsh*t crazy and is working on getting better, and the OW is definitely batsh*t crazy.

 

OP certainly has a type... no wonder he's trying to leave as his wife is getting healthier, onto the next nutso lady.

 

Yikes.

[brcc]

whirl3daway, I'm staying, not leaving. Concise analysis tho! lol! Love it.

 

2sunny, out of state job didn't work out but two others have popped up in its place so we'll see. Sure would make life easier. Regardless, I'll make it work. I'm not going to cheat and OW and I avoiding each other. It's over before it started. The feelings will fade in time. Thanks again for your help.

Edited November 15, 2013 by brcc

[brcc]

I'm still laughing about whirl3daway's post, hours later. Mostly because it's totally accurate. Maybe this means I'm becoming less batsh*t crazy?!? God I hope so. At the very least I'm happy my f'd up thread has provided some entertainment for people. Starting to feel good for the first time in a long while. Thanks again loveshack!

Edited November 15, 2013 by brcc

[nomadic_butterfly]

 

And re: your last comment about the new project, I don't know. Maybe I am this type of guy, I hope not. Like a girl who likes 'bad boys'. You could say the OW has issues because she made overtures to me even though I was married. But another side of me says the feelings just arose, not because we wanted them. They just happened because we were in working together. I think it's called propinquity. She seems very grounded, centered, healthy otherwise. Not at all the same situation my wife was in when I met her, but I could be waaaay off.

 

I would, just to address what you've all been saying, not jump into this other relationship. I'd definitely get my head straight first. I've never not had a girlfriend since high school, and I'd welcome the time to just get centered.

 

Cabinet, everything you said is spot on. I understand this, which is why I've agonized over this decision for so long. I want to love my wife in the right way, I just don't know how. One therapist said you can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions. I've tried for so long to control my feelings, make myself love her, unsuccessfully. But I have controlled my actions so far.

 

Again I want to say for all intents and purposes, we have a loving household. Sure this issue has bled over into the kids lives somewhat, but they are still young and as such are focused on their own lives. The other day, when we were feeling particularly low, had been arguing a lot, my youngest was talking about how happy he was with us as parents, and I asked why? He said "Because you guys are awesome!" That really touched me, and broke my heart at the same time.

 

What are the flaws and shortcomings of the OW? What do you think in general are your greatest flaws and how did you contribute to the demise of the marriage?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm still laughing about whirl3daway's post, hours later. Mostly because it's totally accurate. Maybe this means I'm becoming less batsh*t crazy?!? God I hope so. At the very least I'm happy my f'd up thread has provided some entertainment for people. Starting to feel good for the first time in a long while. Thanks again loveshack!

 

This posting style is so familiar.

 

At least most of the people that pop on here are trying to help someone.

[brcc]

What are the flaws and shortcomings of the OW? What do you think in general are your greatest flaws and how did you contribute to the demise of the marriage?

 

She came after a married man. She knows she's a catch and can have man she wants so I'm sure there is a power thing there too. She's either trying to play me or is very conflicted about what she's doing or both. I'm passive, repressed, insecure, and have idealistic ideas about true love that cloud my reason. There is no demise to the marriage. I didn't cheat (except emotionally, in my heart/mind), I've chosen to stay married, work through it, and so has my wife, even though she knows I had feelings for OW.

Edited November 17, 2013 by brcc

[nomadic_butterfly]

She came after a married man. She knows she's a catch and can have man she wants so I'm sure there is a power thing there too. She's either trying to play me or is very conflicted about what she's doing or both. I'm passive, repressed, insecure, and have idealistic ideas about true love that cloud my reason. There is no demise to the marriage. I didn't cheat (except emotionally, in my heart/mind), I've chosen to stay married, work through it, and so has my wife, even though she knows I had feelings for OW.

 

Awesome just wanted to make sure you had a REALISTIC perspective on ALL parties involved. Glad you chose to work it out with the wife; all the best to you and your family. And avoid the OW like a plague!