Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[brcc]

Iguanna, this is pretty much my plan, to set a period of time where we'll see, now that things have changed, if we can make it work.

 

Rumbleseat, she is indeed Damacles, and I know it's not fair, no one should have to live like that. It's a terrible burden. But we have discussed everything openly, been utterly honest, and continue to communicate when needed. I'm not keeping anything from her at all, except for the fact that I felt very deep feelings for ow. She knows I had feelings, that's enough. She doesn't need to know the extent, nor does she want to hear it.

 

It's been extremely painful going through this for both of us- and now we're through it... the glass house is broken. All the cards on the table. So it's not that we're not communicating, it's that we're doing it carefully, because every time the subject arises that I don't love her, we're both in the dumps for days-- now it's a matter of functioning day-to-day and moving forward, so we've agreed to be judicious about when and how we discuss this subject, just for survival if nothing else.

 

And of course it's so true that this is NOT all her fault. We're both to blame, 50/50. My mistakes are obvious. We've talked about this extensively and I know she doesn't feel it's all her fault. She does what she does because she knows how I feel, and she's trying to hold on. It's classic limerence, unrequited love, sad as it is, though I've always shown her outward love, respect, kindness. She lives this way, not because we aren't open with our communication, but because we are open with our communication- she knows everything, and her back is against the wall. She's trying to show me she's amazing, proving herself, choosing to live under the sword to keep me by her side. I'm not threatening to leave, but she knows I want to. Since the beginning this has been a big part of our dysfunction. Hence my comment about her subservient behavior. It's a form of pleading. So unhealthy and sad and wrong, and the primary reason I'm trying to find the right kind of love for her that she so completely deserves. I don't know why she stays with me, doing this, with all she knows about how I feel, have always felt, but she does, with a passion. My mom confided in me recently that once, before we got married, when I was adamant about breaking up, she came to my mom without me knowing and said "I think I'm losing him... what should I do??"

 

I must say I also think she believes, despite our conversations, that I'm lying to myself, that I really do love her, but don't know it or won't admit it. But what would be my motive for doing that all these years? If I loved her we wouldn't be in this mess. Our intimacy is probably the worst part, really sending mixed signals, but we both 'want' each other, and she knows it's a way for us to stay close.

 

Regarding my daughter, every parent knows the girls are an explosive lot when they reach the teens. Hormones kicking in, boys, school, etc... It's true of any teenage girl, of course. My gripe is that my w instigates problems with my daughter where there are none, provoking, acting like a teen herself. I can appreciate the fact that the mother/daughter relationship has it's own complexities I don't pretend to understand, but it happens so frequently and unnecessarily with my w that it's a thorn in my side, and in my daughter's as well. Daughter told me just the other night, in passing, under her breath, "...she's been mean to me all day". This was after my w had a few swipes at her when I got home. From what I saw that night, daughter was upbeat, making us all laugh, beaming because of some successes at school. But by the end of the night she was beaten into submission by no fault of her own.

 

Again, referring back to Iguanna's post. I'm giving it time to see where it goes. In the old days when I'd take my w aside and ask her to please communicate with kindness and poise to our daugher, it would mean a certain argument, "I don't do that", "It's her fault", "You have no idea what's going on". Now the response is, "Ok, you're right, I'll work on this." So I need to give her kudos for finding the courage to listen and admit her shortcomings. This is a hard pill for her to swallow but she's trying.

 

So I hope so much that if I keep on this path, keeping communication open, appreciating her achievements, that the feelings will follow. I've felt glimmers of this, but they always revert back once the afterglow has worn off. It's hard to see her doing all these things to be better, and really I still feel the same as I always have...that we just aren't on the same wavelength and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. But I'm giving it more time. She deserves to be loved. I wish she would find another man to give this to her, but she doesn't want another one. I think anyone in their right mind would've left me by now, and it's a huge source of guilt that I have this partner who bends over backwards for me like this, and I can't love her the right way for it, which is why I keep going back to her... out of pity, duty, the need to not break her heart.

Edited November 21, 2013 by brcc

[secretlady76]

So in a nutshell, you don't love her, she's trying to be someone she's not in the hope that you will and you're not sure if you'll love the new her or not.

 

Do you really think after all these years things will change? No, I don't think they will. Do you think you will walk away? No, I don't think you will. I think you will talk about it until the cows come home but you will never do anything about it. And you know why? Because you don't seem to do be doing anything apart from waiting on your wife to make all the changes, or walk away from you, or kick you out. Seems to me that you don't have the balls to do anything.

 

And I'm afraid you will still be stuck in the same position in 10, 20, 30 years time, still moaning about it........but not doing anything about it.

[brcc]

So if you were me, you'd step away now without giving it this last chance? I admit one of my problems is lack of a serious lack of courage. I'm currently looking into a second job to facilitate leaving. I don't want to live that way, and don't want her to either. It's true I do want her to be the one to say it's over, because then we might be able to stay on good terms, instead of me leaving and her hating me for it.

Edited November 21, 2013 by brcc

[secretlady76]

Last chance? I doubt it is the last chance. I think there has been lots of last chances and there will be many more last chances. You' will still be in this mess in 10 years time because you are waiting on her to walk away from you.....and she won't walk away from you.....because, that would be admitting defeat, that would admit failing, that would be her admitting to herself that you don't want her (you don't do you?). Your wife will hold on to this with all her strength, she has no other choice. In her shoes you would do the same thing. She would walk the earth on fire if it meant staying with you. Only you don't have the same zest, the same passion, the same desire, the same want to stay with her. But you worry of the ramifications on her mental wellbeing if you pull the plug....so you stay.......

 

But if she leaves you, it makes you feel less guilty doesn't it?

[brcc]

Yes yes YES! I'm a coward... that fact is well established. So please give me something constructive. I assume you are saying leave now, or forever hold my peace, which I believe is sound advice...

Edited November 21, 2013 by brcc

[secretlady76]

My constructive advice (don't ask if you're not prepared for the answer you don't want to hear).......

 

Tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel, how you REALLY feel, tell her how you feel about OW. How you feel about her. Yes it will hurt her feelings, but you're doing that already by being economical with the truth.... Put her in the position that you are in, and that is that she knows THE TRUE FACTS. How can she make decisions if she only knows half the story? How can you work on this unless YOU BOTH know the truth?

 

The question is, do you have the guts to tell her the truth?

[2sunny]

So if you were me, you'd step away now without giving it this last chance? I admit one of my problems is lack of a serious lack of courage. I'm currently looking into a second job to facilitate leaving. I don't want to live that way, and don't want her to either. It's true I do want her to be the one to say it's over, because then we might be able to stay on good terms, instead of me leaving and her hating me for it.

 

The fact that she deserves a man that's in love with her - and that guy isn't you - should give you the answer you're searching for.

 

IF you intended to be I love with her - I think it would have happened by now.

 

Be fair to her - let her go! That way she can have the ability to find a man that is in love with her.

[brcc]

What I've told her is that I don't love her romantically and never have, that I thought marrying her was the worst mistake of my life. Told her I've hated the way she's treated me in the past and I feel we've never been a match. I told her that I had strong feelings for ow. Told her the things ow did to show me how much she cared. We went to the marriage councellor and discussed ow and our other problems there as well.

 

Told her being with her forever is the last thing I'd want. Told her I was looking for apartments to move out. There was a guy at a party who was picking up on her. I suggested "why don't you give him your number?" Told her I think she can do better than me, and she should find a man who cares for her the way she should be cared about. She told me on several different occasions she's seen me changing, falling in love with her, that things are different, and I've said no, for me it hasn't changed. We don't say the words, "I love you" to each other anymore. But we do coexist amicably for the kids, and for her, (and for my sanity) despite all this.

 

I've been as forthright as I know how, and feel like I crushed her soul for it, and yes I do carry much guilt for this. But I honestly believe I've told her everything there is to tell. The truth. The only part I've withheld is that I thought I was in love with ow. Maybe this is what you mean. She said "you said you loved her" even though I never have, so I'm pretty sure she knows that too, or has sensed it. The reason I've abstained from speaking those words, consciously, is this would likely ruin my relationship with my kids forever, as they would probably see this as the reason I was leaving their mother, and not my dysfunctional relationship with her, so yes I'm a little timid about doing that, especially because I'm questioning the truth of it... Love or limerence as rumbleseat pointed out. I'm trying to figure out if ow has pushed us closer together or torn us apart. And btw ow is not in the picture anymore, we've had no contact for 6 months.

 

She has changed in a monumental way since finding out about ow, everything in her life, faced her demons, her ptsd, her childhood issues, and thus is forcing me to face mine, asking me to give her another chance in the process. I feel I owe it to her to try honestly after 22 years. This is where we stand today. Is there something I'm leaving out?

Edited November 22, 2013 by brcc

[Leigh 87]

You are way too old to be mistaking a flirtation for true love. It seems like you are losing touch with reality. Have you thought about what could have happened if your flowers were not well received? The fact that you would do such a thing after a warning from HR speaks volumes about how lost you are.

 

Have your doctor refer you to a psychiatrist. You may also want to try a naturopath.

 

You want advice on how to proceed? Be grateful that your wife is turning over a new leaf. That will lead to a healthier marriage if you are man enough to appreciate her emotional growth. Think about how you would like your life to go on. Stay away from other women, especially if it will compromise your career. Divorce will hurt your children, however finding out that Daddy left for another woman will cut even deeper.

 

 

 

From what I rememer of you ,you are in love with your husband.

 

The OP has NEVER been in love with his wife. People can't just fall in love because they will themselves to.

 

After 22 years, I think this man deserves to feel true love the way YOU and YOUR husband do, dontcha think??

 

YOu speak of their marriage being "healthier" if he sucks it up and works on himself.

 

COME. ON.

 

He is NOT in love. No amount of working on himself will EVER make him fall in love with his wife.

[Leigh 87]

I do not think you have done anything evil.

 

Almost EVERYONE I know gets together with people they are not all that into!

 

A lot of people do not have the self awareness or experience to realise that they cannot just will themselves to fall madly in love. Or even IN love.

 

People are flaming you. They are saying you're a bad guy. I beg to differ.

 

You are simply one of many people who got together with someone you did not love. A LOT of people do this.

You TRIED to stick it out, but 22 years later, you are still not in love.

 

You have stayed BECAUSE you are a good guy who wants to try to work on things for your families sake.

 

You have knowingly sacrificed the joys of falling in love, for your family. You have WANTED to leave and experience true love, but you were good enough to stay and at least try MC and IC.

 

 

 

 

True love exists.

 

The butterfies are real.

 

I Have seel people fall head over heals in love. Where as many others do settle into marriages with no passion the way the OP has and they are totally comfortable with this.

 

The OP is the kind of person who would be happier with genuine love I can tell. He would not be here if he was satisfied with a best friend and life partner without the passion and without ever having been in love with her....

 

 

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

You are absolutely NOT a bad guy, it has just taken you time to realise that you cannot magically fall in love with just ANY woman, irrespective of ow beautiful she is

 

 

I urge you to get this over ad done with; the divorce, that is.

 

You have a right to fall in love and you wife will be better off down the track with a guy who IS in love with her.

 

 

 

 

 

She will thank you one day when she finds a man who is in love with her.

[brcc]

leigh 87, your posts touched me so much. I cried uncontrollably for a half hour after reading them. You don't know how much that means to hear someone say that. Nobody has said this to me, save my one close friend and my mom... never an unbiased person who has read my story. I've felt so low about myself this past year. I realized I've been holding so much in when I read those words... it was like you suddenly unlocked years of bottled up pain. I'm crying as I write this. I don't think people can appreciate how hard this has been. 22 years of feeling this way. Thank you. Thank you so much for believing in me. I'll never forget it.

[rumbleseat]

You can't will yourself to fall in love, but you also have to be very careful of mistaking "butterflies' for love.

 

That is so not "love", and if you have ever seen love that is real and deep, you'd realize the difference.

 

Many people experience the 'butterflies", but after they have flown, what are you left with?

 

Too many people mistake that for love, which is part of why the divorce rate is so high. The heady feelings go, and then they assume they are no longer in love and never can be again with that person.

 

OP, if you think that the butterflies are love, I'm sorry to tell you that you will be forever chasing something that you can never really have for very long. Perhaps calling them "butterflies" is more apropos than the fluttery feeling. it's fragile and you can't really hold on to it. I've known more than just a few people who've made the mistake of always chasing it, and they end up very unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

It really does sound more and more like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are in a relationship with anyone, let alone either of the two women you are talking about here. No offense, but it's like you are stuck at a teenage level of what you think love is.

 

Of course, none of this means you should stay with your wife if it's not where you want to be. What ever you decide, the cowardice has to stop. You need to be honest with your wife, and part of that is owning up fully to your feelings for the ow. Hiding it is giving her false hope, which is cruel.

[Leigh 87]

leigh 87, your posts touched me so much. I cried uncontrollably for a half hour after reading them. You don't know how much that means to hear someone say that. Nobody has said this to me, save my one close friend and my mom... never an unbiased person who has read my story. I've felt so low about myself this past year. I realized I've been holding so much in when I read those words... it was like you suddenly unlocked years of bottled up pain. I'm crying as I write this. I don't think people can appreciate how hard this has been. 22 years of feeling this way. Thank you. Thank you so much for believing in me. I'll never forget it.

 

 

You need to believe in yourself, in spite of what everyone else says.

 

Sure, the feelings you felt for your co worker could have not lead to anything serious, had you both opted to explore.

The fact she gets your blood flowing does NOT mean she will actually be a good long term match.

However, the fact that she DOES get you to think about her a lot and have a strong reaction to her, DOES NOT mean she WON'T be a good partner.

 

True, romantic love, DOES exist!

 

People opt to go about it in their own way about finding love. You have EVERY right to choose to find a woman you feel passionate about on a romantic level.

Many people would be very happy in your position, where you have a good friend and, now that she hs made changed, a GOOD provider and partner.

Some people can CREATE chemistry when it is not there naturally to begin with.

 

You have tried to fall in love with her, hoping that time and effort will pay off; it has not.

You tried for 22 YEARS before you are thinking about giving up.

I cannot believe anyone has even had a go at you here. 22 YEARS is a ONG time to "try" to fall in love with a woman!

You have tried for a very long time!

You are a man who needs romantic love. Not life with a women who you enjoy sex with and who you like to play house with.

 

A lot of people are going to tell you that instantly falling for someone, feeling butterflies and feeling all excited when they text or when you are about to see them; people will mostly tell you it is make believe, or it NEVER works out.

You do not have to choose between a passionless marriage, but with a solid, good and attractive person, OR an "unstable"marriage with a person you are passionate about and who gets your heart racing.

It is not always some instant OMG love at first site crap. Although my good friend friend it mutually with her partner, some people take one day to a week to feel all crazy over each other.

My good friend and her partner felt electrict chemistry and an instant thing, and the both fell head over heels and are STILL happily partnered and will likely spend

There was just something about one another, that caused both parties to have each other on their mind from the night they met.

 

They were not just a good prospect to spend a lot of time and raise a family with; they were just excited at the thought of talking, touching, and being together. It was not about " oh, this person would be a good provider and a best friend to me"

I have even felt this spark with 3 guys since late July, within 24 hours of meeting them or SOONER, I felt all excited about them. Versus the stable, lovely guy wo is totally devoted to me and in love with me right now, who is the perfect partner to me YET who I just did not feel the excitement over.

........................................................

 

 

 

 

You will be okay. You are healthy. You have a house. You have food. You want to go and fall head over heels with the right woman, so go ahead and take the difficult steps to put this plan into action.

 

Relax. Calm down.

 

You go to a lawyer, and you tell them you want to divorce.

 

Your wife will need to learn to stand on her own two feet. She needs to accept you want to find your own path to happiness, and SHE needs to be a positive and resilient enough woman to also aim to be happy too.

It is her fault if she chooses to stay miserable. Naturally she will feel awful initially, however; after a couple of years, she should really learn to be like, okay, I have a choice to be happy now.

You are NOT responsible for another womans happiness. That is wrong.

 

I cannot imagine how hard it will be for you to break the news to her, I have never had to go through anything of this nature....

I know that you know deep down that you want something that you will never have with your wife.

 

A lot of counsillors are full of crap. You cannot make yourself fall in love with a woman after trying fpr 22 years. I mean really? Most people head over heals fall in love within mere months. There is no secret thing they can instruct you to do, that will make you fall in love with your wife. YOu have had 22 years already...........

 

Sorry you are going through this, but see it as a weight lifted off your shoulders..

 

You have a beautiful child. You're healthy. You can go and find what you are looking for.

[Leigh 87]

You can't will yourself to fall in love, but you also have to be very careful of mistaking "butterflies' for love.

 

That is so not "love", and if you have ever seen love that is real and deep, you'd realize the difference.

 

Many people experience the 'butterflies", but after they have flown, what are you left with?

 

Too many people mistake that for love, which is part of why the divorce rate is so high. The heady feelings go, and then they assume they are no longer in love and never can be again with that person.

 

OP, if you think that the butterflies are love, I'm sorry to tell you that you will be forever chasing something that you can never really have for very long. Perhaps calling them "butterflies" is more apropos than the fluttery feeling. it's fragile and you can't really hold on to it. I've known more than just a few people who've made the mistake of always chasing it, and they end up very unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

It really does sound more and more like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are in a relationship with anyone, let alone either of the two women you are talking about here. No offense, but it's like you are stuck at a teenage level of what you think love is.

 

Of course, none of this means you should stay with your wife if it's not where you want to be. What ever you decide, the cowardice has to stop. You need to be honest with your wife, and part of that is owning up fully to your feelings for the ow. Hiding it is giving her false hope, which is cruel.

 

 

 

Actually, a lot of people feel butterflies and feel all excited about their partners, and STAY with them for years or for life.

 

It is not teenage love.

 

It is NOT abnormal to get al excited about someone you only just met.

 

It does not always have to take "time" to become really into someone on a romantic level.

 

Being passionate from the start and having that chemistry is NOT limited and confined to teens.

[brcc]

If I leave my wife, it won't be to run to ow and jump into another relationship. It will be because it's right for my w and I. If we split up, I'll get a place near the kids and spend time alone getting my head straight, and tell ow this is how it has to be. I really think she'd understand.

 

I know butterflies are not equivalent to long-lasting, time-tested love. In some ways, I have experienced the long-lasting variety through my w, as she's loved me through thick and thin, we've been through so much together. it's been a year now and the butterflies for ow have not gone away, though I'm through all the sobbing about it. I'm an adult, seen 42 years of life. I've never had butterflies for anyone, ever, so I think there must be some merit to those feelings. I think we both come across as loonies on this thread because of the situation. It's not like we could act on anything, and the feelings were all-consuming for both of us, really by no choice of our own, so I think it's driven us both a little crazy. I can see in her body language she still cares, even though we don't talk, She just doesn't want to get hurt- trying to be brave, carry on.

 

I certainly don't know if she is 'the one' or not, but the not knowing makes me happy. It could be a complete disaster if we got together, who knows? Even if we never got together, and she didn't want to have a relationship, I think I would be ok with this, because regardless of her, it feels right for my w and I to part, for her sake and mine.

 

We've had a great run, 3 kids, a great life together. At this stage of her life, she's a gorgeous, talented, powerful, amazing woman. She would have guys lining up to be with her. In so many ways I think I'm the only thing holding her back. I know it would hurt all of us for a long time, but I think you're right leigh87, she'd realize in time this was for the best, when she finds someone who adores her the way she so rightly deserves. And I know, if this happens, we'll both make sure the kids feel loved.

 

I'm going to nail down this second job and start saving, which will give us more time to be sure it's the right decision as we've discussed here, and if it's right, I'll get a place, and have the talk with her.

Edited November 22, 2013 by brcc

[curiousGeorge2]

Very interesting turn of the discussion. I am glad I am not the only people who thinks brcc is not a bad guy.

 

 

brcc your thread certainly has more than entertainment values. Keep us posted of the development as I am sure many people will benefit from your story.

[rumbleseat]

Actually, a lot of people feel butterflies and feel all excited about their partners, and STAY with them for years or for life.

 

It is not teenage love.

 

It is NOT abnormal to get al excited about someone you only just met.

 

It does not always have to take "time" to become really into someone on a romantic level.

 

Being passionate from the start and having that chemistry is NOT limited and confined to teens.

 

Actually, i never said that it two people can't feel "chemistry" when they meet, but the idea that it is enough to build a relationship on is crud. Sorry, but that is my belief.

 

getting into someone at a romantic level can happen right away, I don't doubt that, and have experienced it myself several times. So has pretty much everyone I know. The problem is that it never lasted They guys always turned out to either be jerks or just not a good fit. For anyone that I now, the kind of love that lasts is the kind that you nurture and grow. Of course, you can still feel "butterflies" ( and you should) sometimes about that person, but that is, at beat, a part of love, not the whole package.

 

this is why I feel that the OP should take some time to figure himself out. it sounds like he really hasn't. I'm not sure, but it sounds like her never really had all that much of a chance to learn about himself and what he wanted from a partner before he got married.

 

I do think he needs to decide one way or the other. either fully commit, or walk away. But i also think that after 22 years, expecting the break to be clean and easy because he doeesn't want to deal with the complications is a little far fetched.

[Iguanna]

(I got to be the philosopher here )

People are scared of the unknown that's why they settle. It's all numbers if you think about it. Nobody is perfect and the perfect marriage doesn't exist. You have to ask yourself, how much % happy and how much unhappy are you in the marriage, and depending on this you stay or go. Sometimes it also depends on our characters, even if we are more unhappy than happy. Some people don't have the courage or the strength to leave the safety net and "go out there" and search for another partner, start all over again, get to know them, all this can be hard for some people so they stick to their half happiness and feel this is the best they will get. I think this is the deal with your wife. It's not easy to have planned your life, to have known that you won't be in the dating and searching position anymore, and suddenly you have to start all over again. It may be also bad for her ego, she may feel she failed as a woman, that she is not enough for you to love her. You have to explain that it's not her fault, you just don't click together.

 

I believe with all my heart that you'll be good after divorce. Sometimes a divorce can be redemption. Good luck with everything, I'm sure you'll be ok, you are very young anyways.

[rumbleseat]

If I leave my wife, it won't be to run to ow and jump into another relationship. It will be because it's right for my w and I. If we split up, I'll get a place near the kids and spend time alone getting my head straight, and tell ow this is how it has to be. I really think she'd understand.

 

I know butterflies are not equivalent to long-lasting, time-tested love. In some ways, I have experienced the long-lasting variety through my w, as she's loved me through thick and thin, we've been through so much together. it's been a year now and the butterflies for ow have not gone away, though I'm through all the sobbing about it. I'm an adult, seen 42 years of life. I've never had butterflies for anyone, ever, so I think there must be some merit to those feelings. I think we both come across as loonies on this thread because of the situation. It's not like we could act on anything, and the feelings were all-consuming for both of us, really by no choice of our own, so I think it's driven us both a little crazy. I can see in her body language she still cares, even though we don't talk, She just doesn't want to get hurt- trying to be brave, carry on.

 

I certainly don't know if she is 'the one' or not, but the not knowing makes me happy. It could be a complete disaster if we got together, who knows? Even if we never got together, and she didn't want to have a relationship, I think I would be ok with this, because regardless of her, it feels right for my w and I to part, for her sake and mine.

 

We've had a great run, 3 kids, a great life together. At this stage of her life, she's a gorgeous, talented, powerful, amazing woman. She would have guys lining up to be with her. In so many ways I think I'm the only thing holding her back. I know it would hurt all of us for a long time, but I think you're right leigh87, she'd realize in time this was for the best, when she finds someone who adores her the way she so rightly deserves. And I know, if this happens, we'll both make sure the kids feel loved.

 

I'm going to nail down this second job and start saving, which will give us more time to be sure it's the right decision as we've discussed here, and if it's right, I'll get a place, and have the talk with her.

 

please don't do this waiting thing. It's cruel. The longer you stay, the more hope you are giving her. If you are going to leave, then leave. Stay with a friend for a few weeks if you have to. If that can't work, then still tell your wife your plans.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, brcc, I'm another person who doesn't think you're a bad guy at all. Sure, you made some dumb decisions when you were, what, 20 years old? That's understandable.

 

I kept coming back to your thread but refrained from posting in it till now because I felt I wasn't really qualified, since I haven't been married for decades, so can't relate on that level.

 

But your thread made me feel a great sense of relief about ending my relationship about a month ago. My ex is a wonderful guy, and I was crazy about him, but I could tell and he even admitted he didn't feel that way about me. He saw me as a good, practical choice, and wanted to marry me. But I just couldn't do it without that mutual deep affection, bond, and romantic attachment. It felt too risky. What would happen when he inevitably someday met a woman he did feel those feelings for?

 

Your situation is very lose to the situation I saw looming if I married him. And I felt it was too big of a risk to set myself, him, and our future children up for that heartache. I encouraged him to go for someone he's crazy about. He's very attractive to women and will certainly encounter many options to choose from, so I'm sure he can find the right match if his heart is open and he's ready for it.

 

My advice is to end this marriage and free both yourself and your wife to experience real love. I refrained from posting this advice before, because I think that's very easy for a single woman who's never been in this situation to say. But I think this will be best for everyone involved.

 

I'm sure that you and your wife will both go on to find relationships at least as good as what have now (which sounds pretty bad, honestly), and possibly much better.

 

You only live once. Why drag yourself through life half-alive? I just don't see the point of that.

[brcc]

Rumbleseat, I think what you're saying is butterflies don't necessarily turn into a lasting relationship. I understand this. But I do believe it can start that way. I talked to my accountant about this. She said she and her h were very nuts about each other in the early days and they just built off that and are very happy now in their 60s.

 

On the other forum, where people were saying you never leave unless there's physical abuse or cheating, everyone's feedback was still based on the premise that real love is the key, the glue that holds people together through the years. So while they were telling me to stay, nobody had an answer for me finding real love with a person I've tried so long to find it with.

 

A relationship has to start somewhere, butterflies or no. I don't think butterflies are really an indication of what the future will hold. They're just butterflies. Only time can tell if it's real or not.

 

Iguanna, I will certainly be tender and caring to my wife if/when I say the words. I know in my heart it would be better for her not living under the sword with me and I will reassure her I'll always be there for her if she wants me there, till the end of both our days. It's funny, because I feel like if we parted, I could finally honestly tell her I love her, accept her, be free of all resentment, for all we've been together.

Edited November 22, 2013 by brcc

[brcc]

Ruby Slippers, you have great courage. More than my wife or I ever had. I know you did the right thing from experience! My story is empirical evidence that you did.

 

Thank you for your post, and for the kind words. And you too curiousGeorge2! To not be demonized but supported, despite all my spectacular mistakes, is such an amazing and empowering feeling. it means the world to me. Great. Now I'm getting all choked up again.

Edited November 22, 2013 by brcc

[Leigh 87]

Actually, i never said that it two people can't feel "chemistry" when they meet, but the idea that it is enough to build a relationship on is crud. Sorry, but that is my belief.

 

getting into someone at a romantic level can happen right away, I don't doubt that, and have experienced it myself several times. So has pretty much everyone I know. The problem is that it never lasted They guys always turned out to either be jerks or just not a good fit. For anyone that I now, the kind of love that lasts is the kind that you nurture and grow. Of course, you can still feel "butterflies" ( and you should) sometimes about that person, but that is, at beat, a part of love, not the whole package.

 

.

 

 

 

So, here you go again, saying that you either pick chemistry OR a partner you have no chemistry with, but you will be compatible with.

 

You and I have differet ideas if what being in love is.

I do not believe it is falling IN love, when two people are like best friends who do not figure out they love each other until 6 months to a year.

 

That is not falling head over heels in love, sorry. They is simply growing to like another human being. I can do this TO ANY GUY who is a nice person. It IS NOT a unique thing.

IN these cases, you have to LEARN to enjoy SEX. Unless you are both very attractive.

 

Sorry, but I am not sold on the idea that you should have to "learn" to feel hot and heavy towards your partner.

So you're not feeling passion when it comes to sex. It does not come naturally to want to make out.

Making out does not leave you longing to be touched.

Right, that sounds super. Learning to tolerate them touching you, and then slowly, over time, "learning" to accept and enjoy it.

 

Sounds like a riot to me:lmao:

 

Head over heels in love: when two people meet, and there is just something about that person that gets you thinking of them. You both feel excited about dates.

You feel very into each other, and you know right away your into each other and within a week or two, you are crazy for each other.

It does not take long to fall IN love; it does not take long for those people to work out that they are nuts about each other.

It takes these couples 1 - 3 months to fall in love, and if they are best friends also and have similar values, they end up GROWING that love that stands the text of time.

 

 

 

 

IT IS NOT one or the other!

 

WHY is chemistry plus longevity definately mutually exclusive?

 

WHY do people liken falling head over heels as a purely Disny thing?

 

WHY is it too hard to believe that you CAN fall head over heels and end up with that person?

 

I think it is just people who are bitter or have not been lucky enough to find chemistry with a good mate themselves, that extoll the virtues of " not being in the most passionate" relationship, because it is THE ONLY way for us to last with a person.

 

 

 

 

Chemistry and lasting love ARE NOT a rare combination. Plenty of couples are crazy about each other.

[Leigh 87]

Ruby Slippers, you have great courage. More than my wife or I ever had. I know you did the right thing from experience! My story is empirical evidence that you did.

 

Thank you for your post, and for the kind words. And you too curiousGeorge2! To not be demonized but supported, despite all my spectacular mistakes, is such an amazing and empowering feeling. it means the world to me. Great. Now I'm getting all choked up again.

 

 

 

Listen to people like Ruby Slippers and me...

 

We have had partners who we were passionate about. Not always off the charts chemistry, but who, after a date of two, wanted to make out like crazy with.

We have both had exes who were not crazy about us, but who thought we were " a wonderful person". Yeah.

They didn't feel huge urged to please us in bed (sorry Ruby, I have actually read your threads, and your exes feelings towards you seemed to mirror the way my ex was towards me).

Our exes were not crazy about us in a romantic way, adored us as PEOPLE.

 

Well yay. In bed and with romance, they lacked. They did not get urges to just ravish us and please us.

They did not buy us ay surprise presents or do anything nice for us that much, in a romantic sense.

Guess that? There are girls they will both meet, who they will feel urges to pin against the wall and satisfy them, Unselfishly.

They will meet a girl who they are nuts about from the start, who they will do sweet and romantic things for.

 

WHY would ANYONE advocate that our exes settle for another girl like US, when they could meet a girl that could knock their socks off?

 

I just do not get it.

 

Unless one wants kids badly, WHY feel the need to settle for less than a guy who WANTS to put forth the effort because he is just NUTS about you?

You have kids. You do not have any rush to settle down.

Let the ones who want family seek out partners they want as best friends who they "learn" to sexually enjoy.

 

In the meanwhile, it suits people like you, Ruby and me, to find a partner who is crazy about us and who GETS us from the start.

 

NEVER let anyone tell you what YOU should do.

 

I can sense you are like me and Ruby in the romance department, and you need more than a best friend who you learn to enjoy sex with.

 

 

 

You are very lucky in that your wife was attractive. If he WAS NOT so beautiful, you would not have had the level of romantic feelings to even WANT to have sex.

 

Carrie T, read her early threads about her hubby - SHE happens to be VERY happily married to a guy she felt no romantic or physical passion for.

It worked for her, and she is a very attractive and intelligent lady.

She and her parter had to learn to enjoy sex with one another.

I do not think all of us are suited to that type of relatonship that lacks chemistry.

Carrie T, I feel, benifited more from THAT type of marriage, because frankly, she is very educated and adventerous. She needs a man who livs up to her very high standards of education and interet levels.

 

I am not as intensively intelligent and ... just, I am you could say, not in need of a great intellectual stimulation with a really unique and fascinating person the way she is.

I just need a decent guy with a good character. Who I have chemistry with and who I like as a person and I can laugh with.

 

.........................................................................

 

With my lower expectations and list, I can probably find decent chemistry with a bloke who I like and laugh with.

 

You, OP, probably are like me. I have good instincts and I believe you are like me in the romance department. You want chemistry with a person you like and could live happily with.

 

I do not think you also want a fantastic intellectual match who is some fascinating enigma of a person.

 

Listen. A good, solid partner who you are crazy about who is crazy about you?

 

You can find that easily enough.

 

It is when people ALSO want; high intelligence, appreciation of the arts, a fit body, no history of FWB or flings or ONS..

 

THEN it gets too hard to not only fulfill a large laundry list of expectations, but to ALSO feel chemistry or feel passionate.

[Iguanna]

Keep posting, I really want to know how you are doing.