Don't love my wife in love with another woman

[Snowflower]

At least you have appeared to have gotten away from your obsession with the OW and are concentrating on you and your wife.

 

One thing in your postings that really stands out to me is that you have said over and over, in different ways, that you wish your wife would find another man. The incident at the party where there was a guy checking her out and you told her she should have talked to him, or the fact that you say over and over that she should find someone else. This is interesting.

 

If you are emotionally bonded at all to your partner, the very thought of them with someone else makes you sick. Its why people get so upset about cheating, and for good reason. But, honestly think about it. If you were to find out in the coming weeks/months that your wife had met another man, what would be your reaction?

 

Whatever you do, make your own decisions. Do not let anyone influence you, not your counselor, your parents, anonymous people on the internet, your friends, etc, make this decision for you. In time, you will know what the right decision is for YOU. How and when you arrive at that decision is individual but you will get there.

 

In the meantime, be as good of a dad as possible to your children. You don't mention your children a lot in your postings, not that that means anything, just don't forget about them in the mix.

 

Hang in there and take your time. Discuss things with your wife because this is a joint decision and above all, be honest!

[rumbleseat]

So, here you go again, saying that you either pick chemistry OR a partner you have no chemistry with, but you will be compatible with.

 

You and I have differet ideas if what being in love is.

I do not believe it is falling IN love, when two people are like best friends who do not figure out they love each other until 6 months to a year.

 

That is not falling head over heels in love, sorry. They is simply growing to like another human being. I can do this TO ANY GUY who is a nice person. It IS NOT a unique thing.

IN these cases, you have to LEARN to enjoy SEX. Unless you are both very attractive.

 

Sorry, but I am not sold on the idea that you should have to "learn" to feel hot and heavy towards your partner.

So you're not feeling passion when it comes to sex. It does not come naturally to want to make out.

Making out does not leave you longing to be touched.

Right, that sounds super. Learning to tolerate them touching you, and then slowly, over time, "learning" to accept and enjoy it.

 

Sounds like a riot to me:lmao:

 

Head over heels in love: when two people meet, and there is just something about that person that gets you thinking of them. You both feel excited about dates.

You feel very into each other, and you know right away your into each other and within a week or two, you are crazy for each other.

It does not take long to fall IN love; it does not take long for those people to work out that they are nuts about each other.

It takes these couples 1 - 3 months to fall in love, and if they are best friends also and have similar values, they end up GROWING that love that stands the text of time.

 

 

 

 

IT IS NOT one or the other!

 

WHY is chemistry plus longevity definately mutually exclusive?

 

WHY do people liken falling head over heels as a purely Disny thing?

 

WHY is it too hard to believe that you CAN fall head over heels and end up with that person?

 

I think it is just people who are bitter or have not been lucky enough to find chemistry with a good mate themselves, that extoll the virtues of " not being in the most passionate" relationship, because it is THE ONLY way for us to last with a person.

 

 

 

 

Chemistry and lasting love ARE NOT a rare combination. Plenty of couples are crazy about each other.

 

Please read my posts carefully.

What I am saying is that the butterflies may be present at first, but the text of true love is if they last. For some, they do, for others, they don't, and those people can either decide that the marriage isn't what they want, or they can learn to find ways to bring them back. I've been married a long time now, and there have been times that I had to learn to bring the butterflies back. Times that he hurt me, we hurt each other or things were going on aside of the two of us that , had we allowed them to, could have ended our relationship. That's where the hard work comes in.

I have seen my husband at his absolute worst, and I am not exaggerating when I say that. Sorry, but if it were just the "butterfly" type of love, I would have walked away, as that is not so hard to find. It's the enduring love that includes a deep friendship, understanding, respect, forgiveness, gentleness, and a good dose of attraction thrown in. He is the person who was with me holding my hand when I had our kids, who helped me through when we found out that two of them will never be able to be on their own, who held my hand when we had to admit one of our kids to the hospital for long term care, who comforts me know that one of my parents is terminally ill.

Sorry, but passion and butterflies ain't going to get you through that. It takes the whole package.

Right now, it sounds like the OP isn't happy. He has part of the package, but not enough for him. As I said, it sounds like being honest with his wife that he wants to go sooner than later is his best bet. Maybe some "end of marriage" counselling may help?

[brcc]

Yes rumbleseat, have spoken to the mc already about the best ways to separate amicably.

 

I've been through all off those things with my wife too, which makes this decision so much more difficult. Being at her side for the birth of our kids, her father's cancer, her brother's drug addiction... all the places we've lived together, seen together, the footstone wedding gift we have with our initials laid out in colored pebbles in a heart. All of these memories, it's still hard to comprehend leaving this. But all along it has been broken. Outwardly we're amazing, inwardly, between she and I only, we both know the deep extent of our problems, fundamental ones. I married for the wrong reasons and haven't grown to love her as I'd hoped, and she's lived under the sword for it. She was terrible to me over the the vast majority of our marriage, and ive been terrible to her this last year, breaking her heart with a sledge hammerwith, all while she was a saint.

 

snowflower, I feel like if she met another man I would be so happy for her. She has been exceedingly jealous of me with other women. I mentioned this to ow once, saying it's so much more attractive if your partner doesn't act this way, because it shows confidence. I realized after I said that, that if ow got a new bo right now I'd be terribly jealous. She showed me how hypocritical I've been. I've never been jealous of my wife, at least not that I can recall. I actually tried to find a way to set something up between her and that guy who picked up on her, but couldn't come up with anything that would work. In many ways I've seen such despicable sides of myself through this thing.

 

leigh87, I'm of the variety who needs intelligent conversation. This is one of the problems I have with my w. I don't get that. I often find conversation with her is vapid. I think it's why she often remarks about how I talk down to her, am condescending and arrogant. I do often feel like I'm looking down on her. like she's another one of my kids.

 

ow, for all her crazy behavior, is highly intelligent. I could see that right away, she was my equal or better. I admired the creative and clever ways she sent me information, because we couldn't show our affections publicly and were always around other people. She was always 2 steps ahead of me. She was discreet and professional, but also had a softer side, one that appreciates nature, and a dark side, dressing up as a white-eyed bloody zombie nurse for Halloween. She keenly picked up on traits in me i didn't even know about myself. My w has never done that. I feel like she really doesn't know me (just needs me), because she's always had a hard time listening, while I feel like I know her inside and out... I've studied her, know her better than she knows herself, know what she's going to say before she says it. As I said I know this all sounds terribly arrogant, and it probably is.

Edited November 23, 2013 by brcc

[lucy_in_disguise]

Brcc, this probably won't be of any consolation, but I this thread hasnt accomplished anything else, it's given me te courage to end my relationship of 3 years which was headed toward marriage, all the while I doubted whether it was right for me. I didn't want to end up like you, still doubting 22 years later.

 

Like someone else said...its well past time to ahit or get off the pot.

[rumbleseat]

It sounds like you have made up your mind, and while it's hard to feel good about the end of a marriage, if it's what you want ad feel is right, then you know yourself what the best course of action is.

 

Again, please tell your wife your decision. False hope is cruel, and every day that you stay you are giving her that.

[old]

I have three kids, a happy household, at least everyone else is. We've been married 22 years. For 21 of them she was verbally abusive toward me as she had ptsd from a traumatic childhood/past. I never loved her to begin with but stuck by her because she needed help. Now I'm 42 and desperately in love with a woman at work and she is with me. I haven't cheated but want to. Want to end my marriage but don't want to hurt my kids/family. Please help.

OP is admirably clear. I understand about sticking by someone because they need help. Have done that myself more than once. After 22 years of sticking by her - and presumably the children are now reasonably old - it's time to follow your heart.

[Leigh 87]

Please read my posts carefully.

What I am saying is that the butterflies may be present at first, but the text of true love is if they last. For some, they do, for others, they don't, and those people can either decide that the marriage isn't what they want, or they can learn to find ways to bring them back. I've been married a long time now, and there have been times that I had to learn to bring the butterflies back. Times that he hurt me, we hurt each other or things were going on aside of the two of us that , had we allowed them to, could have ended our relationship. That's where the hard work comes in.

I have seen my husband at his absolute worst, and I am not exaggerating when I say that. Sorry, but if it were just the "butterfly" type of love, I would have walked away, as that is not so hard to find. It's the enduring love that includes a deep friendship, understanding, respect, forgiveness, gentleness, and a good dose of attraction thrown in. He is the person who was with me holding my hand when I had our kids, who helped me through when we found out that two of them will never be able to be on their own, who held my hand when we had to admit one of our kids to the hospital for long term care, who comforts me know that one of my parents is terminally ill.

Sorry, but passion and butterflies ain't going to get you through that. It takes the whole package.

Right now, it sounds like the OP isn't happy. He has part of the package, but not enough for him. As I said, it sounds like being honest with his wife that he wants to go sooner than later is his best bet. Maybe some "end of marriage" counselling may help?

 

I am a VERY commitment orientated woman. I work hard on my romantic relationships. I echo your every sentiment. .. I know full well you DON'T rely on chemistry and butterflies alone to make things last. ....

 

 

I just need butterflies and to be excited about the second date, versus JUST agreeing to the second date because they are a really nice person.

I believe in the falling head over heels type of beginning. Where you are excited from date one.

I don't like to date a guy I have no chemistry with and who I only feel platonic about. I don't want to meet someone who I'm not that into in a romantic sense and merely " grow " to like them after a long series of dates.

 

I don't date guys I'm lukewarm about in the hope that I will grow to love them over a lot of time.

 

 

..... there are 3 types of beginnings to relationships I've noticed.

 

1-falling for each other from date one. Not being able to focus on other dating prospects from date one. Falling head over heels from week one or two of dating. Falling in love within 3 months.

2- you're not sure if you're that into them for a few weeks and there isn't much chemistry, but you grow to like them a lot and get crazy about them later on down the track. It isn't as passionate as the falling hard and fast type of love but it is close.

It takes about 6 months or more to fall in love.

3-you don't like the person in a romantic way at all, but you push on with dating them because they are a really good person and you love their personality and they are attractive.

 

The op chose type 3.

 

Personally, he seems like the type of romantic ( as am I) who prefers to actually fall for l a girl early on, opposes to dating a girl he isn't that into in the hope he'll grow to ... like her more and more.

 

The op also sounds like me, in that he will want a substantial relationship with the women he falls for. Who is to say that him and I will be hard pressed to find that all consuming head over heels in love AND work on that type of relationship with a willing partner?

 

Just because we want chemistry and passion that doesn't mean that is ALL we want to base our relationships on. Passion ebbd snd flows in a long term thing. I get you need WAY more than bare infatuation to make relationships last. .........

Edited November 24, 2013 by Leigh 87

[beach]

I think your W deserves a man who loves her - wholeheartedly!

 

And it may be valuable for you to spend time on your own figuring out what love really looks like for you.

 

 

 

You can only get out of this limbo stage your in by making a decision and taking action to change things.

 

 

Staying with your W isn't your answer - after reading here what you've posted about your feelings (or lack of) about the person she is.

[happy stillmore]

Brcc,

I just spent close to 3 hours reading this thread. I was captivated because I see myself in your situation. We both have been married for 20+ years and felt something was amiss. There was always a feeling that I knew I should be feeling but didn't. In fact, it made me very sad and feeling like I was living a lie. I met my H when I was 18, exactly on the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. (She died after a lengthy fight with cancer.) I married my H when I was 23. I dated him for 5 years, several of those years was when I was away at college. I know now that I married him because I was lost and was looking for stability. He is 5 years older than and had a decent job. I knew in my heart I was not in love with H but I believed the feelings would come with marriage and babies to bring us closer. No, the feelings never came and I have been seeing a therapist to talk my way through the emptiness I feel in my marriage. I have told him that I wish I could take a pill to make me feel in love with my husband. If so, I'd swallow the whole bottle. It sure would make our lives a lot easier if we could find a way to feel those feelings. Well, I did meet someone who made me realize that there is romantic love. I can honestly say the emotional and physical connection was nothing I ever experienced in my life. It was like we knew each other without meeting before. We just "got"each other and that was a huge turn on (a "first") for me. My H and I are very different, opposites. To me, that is what life is about, living with this kind of love (with xOMM). He loved me but didn't have the courage to move out and live on his own. (He didn't have the financial means either.) I had to end it because it was hurting me too much to settle for this part-time love. I know we both know in our hearts we were perfect together.

 

I think it takes great courage to be honest with yourself. Most people do not face these feelings in their lives. They avoid and act like things are fine when in fact you are an empty shell, living a lie. That is how I have always felt. My H sleeps on the couch, we don't talk about deep things. We look like the happy family with the children but we are playing the parts, acting a charade. I can't stand it anymore. Even though it is over between xOMM and me, I feel that I have to leave this marriage to find Me. I never got to find myself because I was so lost when I married. It is time to get real with yourself. Your feelings are your own. Noone can force you to feel feelings you don't. I have secretly been angry with myself for not standing up for myself before the wedding when I had extreme anxiety whether I was doing the right thing. The fact that I questioned the marriage should have told me to hold off, right? The fact that you are questioning your M now, and always have, says a lot.

 

I believe deep, passionate love is out there. We should not settle for mediocre because of fear. There is something in me that is telling me I have to do this. It is my Truth. I can longer lie to everyone. Sure, there are many people that see life on a superficial level. I, myself, would rather live in a modest rental home and live my life the way I want, than live in a bigger home, living a facade. I don't care if I'm living on my own and I'm 80 years old and I find my Love. If I find this man gives me butterflies, I just hope my 80 year old heart can take it. (Joking) Seriously, just know you are leaving to live your life honestly and may be alone. Be okay with that. If it is meant to be, the right one will come along. Everyone, including your children, will have a man who is "real". You never know, you may come to see your wife in another light. You do hear stories where a wife and husband remarry each other. If that happened in your case, you would know you were choosing to marry her where before, you kind of settled into it. Always follow your heart. Your heart knows what it wants.

 

This above all: To thine own self be true.

[brcc]

Incredible to read your stories, all of them. And to know mine is actually helping people in a meaningful way is so rewarding, completely unexpected. I think many would look down on the things we're saying, those who believe in not ending your marriage under any circumstances, unless abuse or cheating... but what I'm starting to see is people believing in themselves and the value of their lives. That it's ok to want happiness.

 

I once went to a bachelor party, where the h Sat me down and asked for advice. This was a few years after I was married. I said, just make sure you really love her, that this is what you want in your heart of hearts. A week later, after the families had sunk $20,000 into their marriage, (which hadn't yet happened) he walked away. I was mortified at what I'd done, especially because I was better friends with his fiancee than him. But both thanked me later, independently, profusely!!

 

I had a dream about ow once... we were together, cheek to cheek laughing, and I kissed her, our first kiss... not even full-on, it was just the sides of our lips meeting. Instantly in the dream, I had no house, no money, it was raining, and I was suddenly naked.... but I was happy!!! Soooo happy!!! I was devistated when I woke up and found out it was all a dream. The next day I couldn't even stand to look at ow it hurt so much. II think she misread my signals to read the opposite... Anyway, I tell you this because I think that dream speaks volumes about what we've been saying here.

 

I think we're on this planet to love and be loved in return. Connecting. It happens at all levels in our universe, from the smallest, most elemental ways, in particle physics, to the grandest, most complex, in US. In life. it perpetuates life, it is essential, yet we're lucky to find it.

Edited November 25, 2013 by brcc

[happy stillmore]

"I think we're on this planet to love and be loved in return. Connecting. It happens at all levels in our universe, from the smallest, most elemental ways, in particle physics, to the grandest, most complex, in US. In life. it perpetuates life, it is essential, yet we're lucky to find it."

 

That is what I'm talking about. A love so pure that it is something that can't be denied.

 

Bccc, I hope you are changing your life for You and not to be with OW. You have to prepare yourself that you may not even go on a date with OW. You have to be willing to be happy on your own, without anyone in your life. You seemed to have an active sex life with your wife. Be prepared to also not have someone to have sex life with. I'm being real with you to ward off any unrealistic expectations. It would be horrible for you to fall into a depression when your see real life is not turning into your fairy tale ending. You may be alone. Be okay with that.

 

Remember:

OW may not even go on a date with you.

You will have less money.

You have to make a great effort to be there for your kids. Quality time.

May not have sex as readily.

You may be alone for awhile or forever. You may not find the right one.

 

The good news is that you will know you are not lying to yourself, your wife and family. You are living with integrity. You are a courageous man who is standing up for yourself. You do have control of your life. Always. I learned in a psychology class, one of the largest factors in depression is the inability to see your situation as one that can be changed or influenced. To me, this kind of connection is worth the fight. Good luck to you.

Edited November 25, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Iguanna]

I know a guy who is 42 years old and I will tell you his story now. He met a woman on summer vacation when he was 24, she was 32 (he likes older women). They had fun during the summer knowing that there is no future for them but she got pregnant. This man married her, they had another child, now his son is almost 18 and his daughter 16. He told me that he respects and admires his wife cause she is a good person and a great mother, but he is not in love with her and he never was. I asked, why couldn't you fall in love with her while you admit she is a good person? He said, I am a good person and she is a good person separately, but I can't feel anything more for her than respect for being a good mother. He said he stays with his family cause he doesn't want his kids to experience a divorce while not being their fault. He admitted he plans to leave her when the kids get 18 years old. He said that the only interaction they have is about bills and every day matters. He is a really great person, he works really hard for his family, and he told me that he doesn't get involved with other women because he thinks it's not fair for them cause he is not totally available. He said he will get totally involved with a woman when he gets a divorce. Well I admire this person for his strength of character and at the same time I feel sorry for him. He could have chosen the easy solution of an abortion but he didn't, he stayed and was the best father a child can ask for. He put his life on hold for his kids. And I wonder, is this the best reaction to this kind of situations? Is it better to get a divorce than staying in an unhappy marriage? I don't know. I think every situation is different, there is not a universal way to act. It depends on the problems between the couple, on the kid's character, on many things.

 

OP I'm proud of you. Really proud. It takes courage to both stay and leave.

[curiousGeorge2]

 

OP I'm proud of you. Really proud. It takes courage to both stay and leave.

 

 

+1. I agree it is hard to choose either way. It would be easier to leave if the marriage is very bad, e.g. a lot of fights and arguments and the kids suffer from it. But in many cases, the couple live like roommates but get along pretty well otherwise, until someone else appears on the horizon who reminds one of them that there is something amiss.

[brcc]

Getting out in front of it is half the battle. Happy Stillmore you bet I've thought of those things, and they terrify me. But I am reaching a place where I think I might be able to accept them and make it work. I know what I'd be getting into.

 

Also as I've said, it's not about running to ow. if she and I work out, great, but I'm not banking on it. I think I could be quite happy on my own. I know at least initially I could. Whether or not I would get lonely over time remains to be seen, but by nature I'm the type who loves solitude.

 

At the very least this catharsis I've experienced about being ok to pursue happiness is a huge step in the right direction. I used to feel I'd be sad either way, now I'm feeling like it could be positive either way. I don't feel bad staying for the time being, while I come up with a plan, which would also give us a bit more time to make sure my decision was right, because she wants me here, I'm good to her, she's good to me- everyone is basically happy because it's status quo. There's no clock on this except our lives passing by, and possibly losing my chance with ow, which I cannot permit to be a factor. I know the time will come soon where I'll have to decide once and for all.

[rumbleseat]

Being happy is one hing. Being happy on the back of someone else is quite another.

 

Every day that you stay while you "prepare" yourself to leave is another day that your wife suffers. Another day that you build up hope in her tAht you'll stay together. Another day that she lives in a cr@ppy lie.

 

I've been a relationship where I was in your wife's position. The old " I might stay, I might go, I need time to think and it's time to look after me now" . It was an absolutely wretched time and it made me quite literally, sick. Of course, I wanted he to stay,a Nd I figured if I was just nice enough, just good enough and just changed everything, he would pick me. I spent my days walking on eggshells incase I said or did the wrong thing that would make him choose to go.

 

Do you plan on "exploring" your feelings for the ow while you are still lying to your wife by making her think you are really trying?

 

Stop being such a coward. Stop trying to walk away without being hurt, and without being " the bad guy" in the he's of others. Man up, tell your wife the truth and let her decide what she wants to do.

[Snowflower]

+ I don't feel bad staying for the time being, while I come up with a plan, which would also give us a bit more time to make sure my decision was right, because she wants me here, I'm good to her, she's good to me- everyone is basically happy because it's status quo. There's no clock on this except our lives passing by, and possibly losing my chance with ow, which I cannot permit to be a factor. I know the time will come soon where I'll have to decide once and for all.

 

brcc, you should feel bad for staying for the time being.

 

Unless you have told your wife that you are leaving, you are giving her false hope. That is so cruel and selfish.

 

Now before you remind us that she wants you there with her, yes, she wants you there because she thinks you are there for the right reasons. She thinks you are recommitting to her.

 

So, you are making all these plans on how to move forward with your life and you are not allowing her to do the same thing? One day, you will have all your ducks in a row and you will just tell her?

 

Again, if you have told her what you have told us here about your hopes to leave then great. But, I don't think you have. I think you are dreaming about some pie in the sky fantasy about your perfect OW and how good everything will be, all while giving lip service to you wife about being with her.

 

Be honest with your wife that you are leaving. Then make your plans.

[Snowflower]

 

 

I've been a relationship where I was in your wife's position. The old " I might stay, I might go, I need time to think and it's time to look after me now" . It was an absolutely wretched time and it made me quite literally, sick. Of course, I wanted he to stay,a Nd I figured if I was just nice enough, just good enough and just changed everything, he would pick me. I spent my days walking on eggshells incase I said or did the wrong thing that would make him choose to go.

 

 

 

I have also been in your wife's shoes as well. I ruined my health as I bent myself into a pretzel trying to please him. It was the very worst thing and I wish I had been smarter but these types of things broadside you when you trust your spouse. His indecisive behavior was at least as bad as finding out that he had actually cheated on me. In some ways it was a lot worse.

 

If your wife were here posting, I would tell her that she needed to get you away from her.

[rumbleseat]

I have also been in your wife's shoes as well. I ruined my health as I bent myself into a pretzel trying to please him. It was the very worst thing and I wish I had been smarter but these types of things broadside you when you trust your spouse. His indecisive behavior was at least as bad as finding out that he had actually cheated on me. In some ways it was a lot worse.

 

If your wife were here posting, I would tell her that she needed to get you away from her.

 

Agreed.

 

OP, I know that you may feel like you have lived your life for someone else for a long time, and now it's time for you to be happy. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem is that it really sounds as if you are more than willing to treat your wife badly wile you get your ducks in a row.

 

I an tell you that it's not going to soften the blow if you tell her that you'll always be there for her, etc. At that point, she probably won't care. What will matter is your honesty and how you have treated her.

 

It really sounds like you have some really mixed up ideas. You say that you tried to set her up with some guy at a party so that she'd be tempted to cheat on you with him and want to leave? Nice way to make her the bad guy so that you don't have to face the consequences of your choices.

 

No one is saying you don't deserve to be happy, but for that happiness you're going to have to pay a price. If you are not happy, then do something about it, but don't do it in a cowardly way. As the saying goes, "man up" and stop expecting others to do the dirty work for you.

[beach]

Happiness isn't a thing you pursue!

 

It either IS or it isn't! It IS within!

 

Looking for IT outside of yourself is backwards. Not experiencing IT - you may want to look within!

 

How could you have IT with your W if you don't have that FROM yourself to offer?

 

 

 

You won't find it with your OW either - until you look within yourself first.

[happy stillmore]

I understand what you are saying. Yes, no one can depend on someone else for their happiness. One must find happiness within themself. It is for this reason that I say Brcc must be prepared and be okay with living his life alone. If he finds his true love, then that is a bonus. Perhaps, living a life where Brcc is honest with his feelings to himself and others will free him of the feeling that he was living a lie. Being true to himself may make You happy, Brcc.

 

People define happiness differently. Some are happy to spend their lives in a functional, platonic relationship while others find a romantic love makes them happy. Happiness is something we all yearn for, no matter how we define it. The pursuit of happiness is a Constitutional right, after all. It is only natural for someone to pursue what they are missing. In Brcc's case, he craves a connection or relationship that is on a deeper level. He knows his marriage is not at this level and it makes him sad. He has a right to pursue a life where he can be true to himself.

[tiredofitall2]

I have three kids, a happy household, at least everyone else is. We've been married 22 years. For 21 of them she was verbally abusive toward me as she had ptsd from a traumatic childhood/past. I never loved her to begin with but stuck by her because she needed help. Now I'm 42 and desperately in love with a woman at work and she is with me. I haven't cheated but want to. Want to end my marriage but don't want to hurt my kids/family. Please help.

 

 

I don't know your situation but I have a question for you as yo seem to be asking for help and might not be sure to leave for your family.

 

I believe you might be in love. This is for sure possible as being in love is a cocktail of chemicals produced in the brain when we are in an affair that makes us feel like a teenager in love.

 

My concern is that your statements sound like "Affair Fog" babble and all wayward spouses say the same thing.

 

Have you done research on "affair fog"

 

Some symptoms include:

 

Amplifying spouse's flaws or the situation, making it seem worse than it really is

 

Saying I never loved you or I married you for the wrong reasons

 

Or I love you, but am not in love with you.

 

An affair will make you feel alive and it is an addiction. It helps you escape your reality and possible underlying issues in your marriage. Perhaps even a mid life crisis.

 

How does your wife feel about you? If you answer, I'm sure she doesn't love me. Then you are in the fog for sure.

 

If you don't want marriage counseling, another sign you are in the fog!

 

The fog always dissipates, typically months after you have divorced and you are in bed next to your affair partner, missing your old life, wife and family as you sob for making the biggest mistake in your life.

 

The feeling is further reaffirmed when your new woman is nagging you to death and you see how fu**ed up is the grass on this side!

[Leigh 87]

I don't know your situation but I have a question for you as yo seem to be asking for help and might not be sure to leave for your family.

 

I believe you might be in love. This is for sure possible as being in love is a cocktail of chemicals produced in the brain when we are in an affair that makes us feel like a teenager in love.

 

My concern is that your statements sound like "Affair Fog" babble and all wayward spouses say the same thing.

 

Have you done research on "affair fog"

 

Some symptoms include:

 

Amplifying spouse's flaws or the situation, making it seem worse than it really is

 

Saying I never loved you or I married you for the wrong reasons

 

Or I love you, but am not in love with you.

 

An affair will make you feel alive and it is an addiction. It helps you escape your reality and possible underlying issues in your marriage. Perhaps even a mid life crisis.

 

How does your wife feel about you? If you answer, I'm sure she doesn't love me. Then you are in the fog for sure.

 

If you don't want marriage counseling, another sign you are in the fog!

 

The fog always dissipates, typically months after you have divorced and you are in bed next to your affair partner, missing your old life, wife and family as you sob for making the biggest mistake in your life.

 

The feeling is further reaffirmed when your new woman is nagging you to death and you see how fu**ed up is the grass on this side!

 

 

 

He isn't in love with his wife.

 

He was never head over heels for her.

 

I think it would make him utterly miserable if he were to stay with his wife who he was never into in the first place.

 

He won't suddenly fall head over heels for his wife.

 

He needs to experience a woman he's nuts about.

[Iguanna]

These "Affair Fog" theories are made by people who are miserable in their marriages but don't have the guts to leave and they want others to be as miserable as them as well. It's pure malice.

[violet1]

These "Affair Fog" theories are made by people who are miserable in their marriages but don't have the guts to leave and they want others to be as miserable as them as well. It's pure malice.

 

I disagree! It's even been proven that an affair changes the chemicals in your brain. In fact, I compare affairs to any other addiction. You go through withdrawals, the highs and lows. There are a lot of remorseful waywards who state that they felt like they were high during the affair. I used to not believe in the "affair fog" either, but I do strongly believe it exists. You are right though, affairs are a chicken sh*t move. Based on fear of the unknown and selfishness.

Edited November 27, 2013 by violet1

[rumbleseat]

It seems as if the OP has decided to call it quits on his marriage. Best now to advise him on how to end things in the way that will cause the least amount of hurt to all those involved.