Jealousy and more

[offcloudnine]

It's been a while since I posted here, but long story short I got back together with the girl I am in love with and most recently she moved out (due to her mother coming into town).

 

Prior to all this, she made a new best male friend over the net and has grown incredibly close to him - this all happened when we were still staying together. To make a long story short she would spend copious amounts of time talking to him, about her past, her experiences, and I believe also at times our relationship (and the arguments/disagreements we have).

 

I felt uncomfortable with the whole ordeal and felt that it was really suspicious for a guy to want to spend so much time with my girlfriend and eventually discovered that he was "in love" with her. For whatever reason she sought that it was wise to hide it from me but I found out at the end. She claims that her feelings for him are only platonic in nature and I'm inclined to trust her.

 

A little background with her is that she has a lack of self-confidence to some degree - she finds it hard to say "no" to people, or to go out of her way to ask for something. So going with this she decided against doing anything about his expressions of love and care for her, I guess she likes the attention and finds it difficult to cut a friend off? Speaking of friends, she's had a hard time keeping friends and does not have many, most of her friends are/were male and ended up liking her but she eventually cut them off from her life but only after long and painful dragging ons.

 

Needless to say this has been driving me further into being uncomfortable and before she moved out we had a talk about it and she said that she felt she needed time alone to grow as an individual and that she needs/wants to learn how to be able to deal with these situations better.

 

To this day I believe she still talks to him and despite my feelings of us slipping away slowly she still treats us as much of a couple as we used to be although we don't talk frequently; she still tells me that she loves and misses me and all that.

 

I would love for some insight, advice, suggestions, or anything on my situation as it's been a rather miserable one to be in.

 

P.S. I know it's her fault for enabling people like him to stick around but seriously what's wrong with people like him? Why is it okay to disrespect another's relationship when I'm sure they would disapprove of it happening to their own?

 

edit: Forgot to mention that we're both in our mid-20s in case that is an important detail.

Edited November 7, 2013 by offcloudnine

[Kate9292]

He is not in a relationship with you, he has no obligation to respect your relationship.

 

But she should. Then again, if they are really platonic, you should trust her. Just because he has feelings for her doesn't mean so does she.

[offcloudnine]

He is not in a relationship with you, he has no obligation to respect your relationship.

 

But she should. Then again, if they are really platonic, you should trust her. Just because he has feelings for her doesn't mean so does she.

 

Thanks Kate9292 for your response.

 

I agree, he is not in a relationship with me but it's far too selfish and hypocritical to do this to others when it is unlikely that you want it done to you.

 

We've been through a lot during our relationship and I still do trust her but it's simply annoying that she is keeping an opposite sex friend around who clearly has a romantic agenda and is trying to make his entry through the friendzone. I think the root of the problem is her insecurities or how emotional she can be which in turn makes it very difficult for her to simply remove people/friends from her life - at least that's my explanation.

[Kate9292]

I agree this is selfish and hypocritical. But there are people in the world who are selfish and hypocritical to this extent. Qnd you can't change that, you can only decide you don't want them in your life.

 

Honestly, if my bf had some friends who I thought were very selfish and hypocritical and decided to keep them, I'd question his character. Maybe you should do the same? Birds of feather flock together.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Kate9292

[PegNosePete]

He is a single guy. That's what single guys do.

 

Your gf is being extremely disrespectful of you and your relationship by allowing this situation to happen. And she may claim innocence but she knows damn well that she is doing wrong - otherwise why did she hide it from you? She who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

I would be extremely wary of women like this. Low self esteem can cause major problems and her lack of boundaries is what causes these situations to develop. She is more than enabling him - she is encouraging him. And when she inevitably "breaks up" with him, she will move onto the next.

 

Don't be passive/aggressive about this. Tell her that she needs to set up proper boundaries with these guys that she talks to. Low self esteem can be a relationship KILLER so tread very carefully here. Basically, don't take crap and don't let her repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. If she does then you would have to seriously consider where your relationship is going. Do you want this kind of thing to keep happening forever?

[offcloudnine]

He is a single guy. That's what single guys do.

 

Your gf is being extremely disrespectful of you and your relationship by allowing this situation to happen. And she may claim innocence but she knows damn well that she is doing wrong - otherwise why did she hide it from you? She who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

I would be extremely wary of women like this. Low self esteem can cause major problems and her lack of boundaries is what causes these situations to develop. She is more than enabling him - she is encouraging him. And when she inevitably "breaks up" with him, she will move onto the next.

 

Don't be passive/aggressive about this. Tell her that she needs to set up proper boundaries with these guys that she talks to. Low self esteem can be a relationship KILLER so tread very carefully here. Basically, don't take crap and don't let her repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. If she does then you would have to seriously consider where your relationship is going. Do you want this kind of thing to keep happening forever?

 

Thanks for the really insightful post PegNosePete.

 

I totally agree that her low self esteem has been and is causing major problems in our relationship from time to time.

 

She has told me before she moved away (we're technically still together) that she wants to return only when she can treat me better and be the person I deserve. I'm not sure what to make of it to be honest, is it a genuine attempt to better herself or is it just a sweet nothing?

 

I've gave her the whole talk about boundaries and respect and I think to some extent she understands it but her emotions/feelings is what's holding her back apparently. From time to time she'd tell me that another guy she knows from her work keeps asking her out to dinner and/or to go to his place for a movie, I've met this guy and I can't believe he's trying to test the waters just because our relationship is rocky, but anyway she tells me that she declines because she sees her relationship with him purely platonic and that she's getting better at "rejecting" other guy's advances.

 

I don't want to have to deal with this forever, so what are my options now given the current situation and what I've already done?

[PegNosePete]

From time to time she'd tell me that another guy she knows from her work keeps asking her out to dinner and/or to go to his place for a movie, I've met this guy and I can't believe he's trying to test the waters just because our relationship is rocky

Yeah like I said, this is what single guys do if they think they can get away with it. He has no accountability to you. Your GF however, does. She should seriously be shutting this stuff down. If she had said NO properly then he would not KEEP asking. He would have asked once and been put in his place once and for all.

 

She has told me before she moved away (we're technically still together) that she wants to return only when she can treat me better and be the person I deserve. I'm not sure what to make of it to be honest, is it a genuine attempt to better herself or is it just a sweet nothing?

BS. She can treat you better, but she chooses not to. What does that say about her? And what does it say about your self-respect, that you accept being treated like this?

 

The first part of what you wrote doesn't sit with the second. First you say you're still together and then you say that basically she has dumped you. Your question is really quite irrelevant. I will tell you 100% what I would say in this situation: "OK, if that's how you feel then I guess we're officially broken up. Good luck with your self-reflection and personal growth. I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

Maybe she will come back in 5 years a better person. Maybe she won't. But really carrying on like this is going to get you nothing but heartache in the long run. She is giving you the perfect exit clause. I would very much advise you to take it.

Edited November 8, 2013 by PegNosePete

[offcloudnine]

Yeah like I said, this is what single guys do if they think they can get away with it. He has no accountability to you. Your GF however, does. She should seriously be shutting this stuff down. If she had said NO properly then he would not KEEP asking. He would have asked once and been put in his place once and for all.

 

I don't know why he keeps trying, she's mentioned that he tries to ask it in a very "casual" way where it's like a friend asking a friend to hang out so maybe that's why he thinks he can continue to do it?

 

BS. She can treat you better, but she chooses not to. What does that say about her? And what does it say about your self-respect, that you accept being treated like this?

 

The first part of what you wrote doesn't sit with the second. First you say you're still together and then you say that basically she has dumped you. Your question is really quite irrelevant. I will tell you 100% what I would say in this situation: "OK, if that's how you feel then I guess we're officially broken up. Good luck with your self-reflection and personal growth. I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

Maybe she will come back in 5 years a better person. Maybe she won't. But really carrying on like this is going to get you nothing but heartache in the long run. She is giving you the perfect exit clause. I would very much advise you to take it.

 

That's one thing I may never understand, you're right she can treat me better but she CHOOSES not to at this point, probably because it's not CONVENIENT or "second nature" to her which makes her incredibly selfish.

 

Well we're kind of on a break I suppose is what you call it, we had a talk before she moved out and I wanted to make sure what was going on between us and she said that we're still together, still boyfriend/girlfriend and that she loves me but she just needs some time away for herself. This is why I say that we're technically still together, her words not mine.

 

I really hope she finds what she is looking for, what she desperately needs to make a mature relationship work even if it doesn't end with me.

 

I'm just finding myself in a bit of a limbo here not having officially broken up with her where she says she loves and misses me at times but since this "break" started we have talked much less and I get the feeling that if she truly valued me or the relationship she'd put in more effort - perhaps I'm asking for too much too soon here?

 

At this point is it smarter to wait and see, or be the one who says "hey, I've had enough. I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't put the other person's happiness above their own, and I just don't have the patience to wait for you to fix yourself."

[PegNosePete]

There's no such thing as "on a break". You're either together or you're not.

 

Sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants time and privacy to see how things go with other guys, and if it's not all rainbows and diamonds she wants you to be waiting like a good puppy dog for her to come home.

 

"hey, I've had enough. I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't put the other person's happiness above their own, and I just don't have the patience to wait for you to fix yourself."

Yes! Exactly. I guess you need to make a decision. If you're definitely done with her then say this. If you want to give her a last chance then maybe something like:

"Hey, I don't feel this situation is fair on me. We have been together a long time and I think we should have stability by now. I would very much like to work things out but that will require some major changes in your behaviour and establishment of proper relationship boundaries when dealing with other guys. If you want to give it a go then you know where I am. If you choose not to do that then I guess our relationship doesn't have much future. Please get back to me with a decision tonight"

 

No decision by tonight = no.

[offcloudnine]

Update, we haven't had contact for the past 2-3 days or so.

 

It's strange because since she moved away we would hang out every other day and she'd message me at least once a day but that all went away.

 

I don't know what to make of this...silence?

[Try]

Update, we haven't had contact for the past 2-3 days or so.

 

It's strange because since she moved away we would hang out every other day and she'd message me at least once a day but that all went away.

 

I don't know what to make of this...silence?

The silence speaks volumes. When I read your first post, I felt that she moved out so that she could better explore her relationship with the other man (OM). Her lack of contact with you confirms this. You can bet your last dollar that she has been in frequent contact with the OM over the last few days of no contact with you. You are officially her back up plan as the OM is now her primary focus. There is a good chance that she has or is meeting up with the OM right now. She has been playing you for the fool as you have believed her lies. She is in at least in an emotional affair (EA) with the OM, and being in an EA is cheating. Have the self respect to end it right now and move on with your life. If she says that she is sorry and shows you that she is remorseful and wants a second chance, take her back only if she agrees to go full no contact (NC) with the other man; do not back down on this reasonable demand even a little bit.

 

Going forward with your life, learn from this that it is never OK for people in committed relationships to have opposite sex friends (OSF) that openly are in love with you. In a healthy relationship with good OSF boundaries, OSF are required to be friends of the couple, and they cannot be friends of the couple if the OSF wants to break up couple.

[tom670]

The silence speaks volumes. When I read your first post, I felt that she moved out so that she could better explore her relationship with the other man (OM). Her lack of contact with you confirms this. You can bet your last dollar that she has been in frequent contact with the OM over the last few days of no contact with you. You are officially her back up plan as the OM is now her primary focus. There is a good chance that she has or is meeting up with the OM right now. She has been playing you for the fool as you have believed her lies. She is in at least in an emotional affair (EA) with the OM, and being in an EA is cheating. Have the self respect to end it right now and move on with your life. If she says that she is sorry and shows you that she is remorseful and wants a second chance, take her back only if she agrees to go full no contact (NC) with the other man; do not back down on this reasonable demand even a little bit.

 

Going forward with your life, learn from this that it is never OK for people in committed relationships to have opposite sex friends (OSF) that openly are in love with you. In a healthy relationship with good OSF boundaries, OSF are required to be friends of the couple, and they cannot be friends of the couple if the OSF wants to break up couple.

Totally agree with this you are being played.

Do the 180 go totally dark on her and move on.

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, she's feeding you a lot of BS. if she doesn't have the capabilities of treating you right then don't hold your breath. Low self esteem is one thing. Common sense is another. She's not a kid and she knows that by talking up with this guy is not the right thing to do when in a relationship and I thinks he's using her self esteem issues as a good excuse to keep it up with this guy.

 

It's up to you to tall her that if she wants a relationship with you then this dude has to go. Ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing to her. You and I both know she would not be a happy camper, so it's up to you to either put up with his nonsense or put a halt to it. If she refuses then move on and find someone with a little more on the ball.

[Kate9292]

Update, we haven't had contact for the past 2-3 days or so.

 

It's strange because since she moved away we would hang out every other day and she'd message me at least once a day but that all went away.

 

I don't know what to make of this...silence?

 

Maybe she's just very busy, don't jump to conclusions yet.

[PegNosePete]

Maybe she's just very busy

Busy with the other guy, yeah.

[Kate9292]

Busy with the other guy, yeah.

 

 

Until it's proven, you don't know it.

 

And what's up with assuming that if someone is busy, it must be because they are involved with someone else?

[PegNosePete]

If someone moves out of a house to go "on a break" while having inappropriate conversations with another man, then it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on.

[offcloudnine]

Update and most likely a closure to this thread: despite all the promises and commitments she made to the relationship she decided to break it off and dumped me.

 

I will most likely start a thread in the coping part of the forum to ask for advice as to where I should go from here.

 

Thanks to all of you who responded to this thread.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear that dude. Still, at least you know where you stand now. It might not seem like it right now, but it's better than being strung along and given false hope for weeks, months or even years.