My friend is too friendly with me

[derekj513]

I keep messing around with a married woman. I've known her longer than her husband but didn't get with her when I had the chance. We've grown to be close friends and we often hang out and watch movies.

 

The problem arises when we end up cuddling and it escalates into sex.We keep saying we should stop, but it happens 3/4 of the time when she comes over. I know logically, we should stop the cuddling. But she practically forces me into it and tells me to give her massages. I try telling her to get a massage from her husband, but she says I'm better at it.

 

I really don't want to stop seeing her because she's my friend, but I feel bad because she says everything is great with her husband and she always acts like she fees guilty after we're done. But why does she continue to do this then? I dont initiate the contact, and she unbuttons her own pants without me asking. Should I stop seeing her altogether or does anyone have a suggestion on how to avoid the sexual situations?

 

By the way, we're both 21 and her husband is 28.

[whichwayisup]

Set some rules and don't cross the line. Don't spend any time alone together. Go out instead of hanging out inside her home or your home.

 

She should not be asking for massages from you and you have to learn to say NO...Easier said than done eh? Well, if you feel bad about what is going on then just stop it. You do have the power to say NO to her. Keep the hands to themselves and watch how you both 'talk' to eachother. Steer away from intimate conversations that should not happen.

 

Good luck.

[derekj513]

it is easier said than done. but thanks for the advice

[Barby]

I can't see why after the first couple of times (and you "knew" it was wrong and didn't really want it to happen) that you continued to go through with it when you saw her unbuttoning her pants you should have said "hey wait, I'm not doing this, you're married and we're JUST friends" but then again cuddling is very innappropriate as well.

 

Maybe hanging out you should invite her husband along as well..do things with the three of you so she doesn't have the chance to put the moves on you.

 

 

Though I don't imagine it bothers you all that much if you've continued this "affair"

 

The best thing you can do (IMHO) is just be honest with her that you don't want to do intimate things anymore and that you're not going to participate in her being dishonest with her husband.

[whichwayisup]

Anytime. Just communicate with her how it is making you feel. If you both are close friends, then you should be able to talk about anything right? Sooner or later her H is gonna figure it out then .....Well, you know how it goes.

[Owl]

Here's a thought...quit having her come over for movies!!! Don't see her in anything other than a public situation. This isn't rocket science friend...you're doing it just as much as she is!!!

 

It takes to to do the.... All that has to happen is for one or the other to NOT do it. Quit going along with it...quit allowing yourself to get into the situation where it can happen...TELL her that you want to end what you're doing and just be friends.

 

Again...not rocket science. Don't sit and act like it's all her fault. Take some responsibility for what you're doing too!!! BOTH of you are involved in this...and I'm assuming that if she's your friend...he is too, but to a lesser degree. How do YOU feel about what you're doing to HIM??

 

You know what to do....now just do it.

[VirgoLady]

Just wondering if the husband knows of his wifes close friendship with you, or is it a friendship that you have behind his back?

[Bryanp]

Here is a thought:

How would you feel if you were her husband?

Sorry my friend but this says a lot about your moral compass which apparently is broken.

How do you think the husband will act toward you when he finds out you have been screwing his wife behind his back? You don't sound like you are much of a friend to her or him. What goes around comes around!

[Sweetz]

Don't put yourself in a situation where you can fall weak. You know what will ultimately happen so putting the temptation in front of you and then trying to logically do the right thing just won't work. I have a feeling deep down you do like it, otherwise you would put an end to it immediately. Actions speak louder than words.

[reservoirdog1]

Self-preservation should also be on your mind. Eventually, her H will probably find out. And when he does, among his many emotional reactions will be a desire to cut off your c*ck and stuff it down your throat. Trust me on this. I've been in his position. And for all you know, he may act on that impulse.

 

You say she's your friend. But she's also a lying cheat. Is that really somebody you want to have as a friend? (Or, just as a f*ck buddy?) And, I echo what Bryanp said: it says a lot about your own moral compass that you willingly participate.

 

And, last but not least, karma is a bitch. Consider yourself warned.

[derekj513]

but i do not even know the guy very well. he knows of me and that we hang out a lot together. and i do want it to stop and i realize i'm guilty too even if she's the one who initiates contact. i wanna call him and tell on her, but i can't bring myself to tell on my friend. if i were in his situation, i'd beat the cheating whore's ass. we talk about needing to stop our immoral behavior, but we never do. i don't want to offend my friend with an ultimatum or risk losing her as a friend. on the other hand, i know what it's like to have a female cheat on you when you've treated her like gold.

[Moose]

Dump her......you'll find other friends.

 

You know what you're doing is wrong. You know how immoral it is. You know the husband will find out....eventually. You know you can't remain just friends now after going where you went with her.

 

You wouldn't pour gasoline all over you, then light a match............... would you?

[onlyhuman]

Its really horrible that she forces this on you.

Just imagine your married to a wife you love and adore and then find out some guy has been doing her on the side, this will help your perspective.

The road your on is going to get rougher.

I totally agree with reserviordog on this, 100%.

You still have the opportunity to make this right!

[Sweetz]

I dont think derek gets it, at least right now he doesn't. Eventually though, we (cheaters) all do. The question is...WHEN do we get it and how much time will it take for us to get it and how much time do we want to waste before we get it. There will come a time when you sit back and say, "Man, I messed up". But I guess this isn't the time for you. You are having too much fun and justifying it every step of the way instead of owning up to the responsibility that YOU made and continue to make the choices that put you in that situation that you are trying to act like you are so lost in. You can't lie to a liar derek, I get it.

 

This affair will inevitably end whether it is because you end it or because it gets ended for you. That is the reality of it. You are just thinking in the present state but if you were to stop and think where this is leading you, perhaps you would have a light bulb go off in your head.

[holden]

Derek,

 

First of all, she is not your "friend". maybe u used to be friends, but now you are a person who is having sex with a married woman. The excuses you are giving are flimsy and poor. U say she is cuddling up to you - get away from her. U say she forces u - ask her not to , and if she doesnt stop seeing her for a week or so at least so that she gets the message. U say she likes your massage - stop kidding your self. both of you know that by doing all this, you will end up having sex and thats the only reason y u are doing it. so dont call this relationship friendship.

 

you know what u are doing is wrong. nothing is gonna chance that. you will have to face some severe consequences when the husband gets to know. its just a matter of time. just get out of the mess while you can. you are young, and u will find other lovers and other friends. you have already started to break up the marriage by engaging in sex with her and the best thing for you to do is to stop it completely and look for someone else.

 

 

If you are looking for someone to tell you what u are doing is okay and not to feel guilty about it, you ar ein the wrong forum my friend. this place is filled with people who have been at the recieving end of acts like the one you are doing. The only advice anyone here will give u is to stop.

 

RAHUL

[jellybean]

Grow up

 

You are having an affair with a married woman......but yet you try to minimize the severity of your actions by calling her a 'friend', and blaming her for being too friendly.

 

Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?

[fiatflux]

Well, he also called her a "cheating whore" and said he'd beat her if he were her husband. Some "friend."

[derekj513]

i am her friend. i called her a cheating whore from her husbands perspective. i'm currently ignoring her calls and texts, and it sucks not talking to someone i've know 5 years...but oh well, i'll get over it. what i did was wrong and maybe you guys are right about me trying to justify my actions. i've been cheated on before too and i know how it felt. i want to tell her husband about it and our past 'relations' before she married him. should i do that, or should i just continue to have no contact at all?

[jellybean]

Originally posted by derekj513

i want to tell her husband about it

 

Why would you want to do that?

 

You keep blaming her for the situation you are in...and you appear to have some real hostility towards her.

 

You know perfectly well that you can end this whole mess right now, by avoiding all contact with her.

 

But I think there's more to the story that you're not telling.

 

Have you lost all respect for her, and want to see her suffer? Or are you upset that she has not left her husband for you?

 

What exactly is bothering you?

[johnlucas]

derekj513 if still in doubt about this affair remember this...

 

Your future fun liasons with this and other women may come to a PERMANENT end if the discovering husband starts to consult his legal team of Smith & Wesson.

 

Words of advice...

 

John Lucas

[whichwayisup]

i'm currently ignoring her calls and texts

 

Just curious but have you been honest and told her how you feel? I mean you just don't "ignore" her now all of a sudden. Yes, cut the contact but not until after you TELL her what's going on, how things should change cuz she is a marrried woman. I don't know if you did/didn't talk to her about this...Just thinking here though that if you didn't and all of a sudden you're ignoring her is just gonna make HER feel like she's done something wrong with you or pissed you off and that is just not right or fair to put this all on her. Takes two to tango.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It does not matter what your motivations are but the husband does deserve to know. You actually would be providing him with kindness allowing him to know the information about his wife. He has a right to know how he wishes to proceed with his life now and in the future. You say you have been cheated on in the past. You therefore know if the roles were reversed, you would want to certainly know about your cheating partner as soon as possible. Again the husband has a right to know and you should provide him with the information since the wife will not.

 

In addition, the husband's anger will be focused more on his wife where it belongs than on you. Because you have cut off contact, there is a chance the wife might get angry with you and tell the husband that you seduced or raped her and then he will never believe anything you say. He needs to be informed by you before she makes up stories to tell him about how you forced yourself on her. I think it is a matter of time before this will happen.

[fiatflux]

Derek - I think you should answer Jellybean's questions.

 

My opinion is that you should NOT tell her husband. He is not your friend, and you are obviously not his friend since you have been banging his wife. Nothing good can come of you telling him. It's up to her to tell him, and if she doesn't , then she's the one who has to go on living this lie.

 

I do think you owe her an explanation--the least you could do is text her and tell her you will no longer be communicating with her because you guys crossed a line and you can't undo it now. DO NOT let her engage you in a back and forth conversation about it (which will open you up to her wheedling you to meet again, etc.). Just give a short, curt, to-the-point explanation and then leave it at that. She will give up eventually if you stand firm.

[derekj513]

We used to have casual sex as just friends near the end of 2001. She wanted a relationship, but I didn't. She got pregnant. There was friction throughout her pregnancy considering we weren't together and I was annoyed that she kept trying to use the kid as an excuse for us to be together. She had the kid and it came out black(I'm white). I was furious because of the emotional toll it had taken on me and the money I spent on a kid that wasn't mine before she was born. I don't think she intentionally mislead me, but I was still pissed off. I talked to the real dad and found out they had slept together only once. Since I was with her many times, I think her assumption that I was the dad was reasonable. But she lied when I asked her repeatedly during pregnancy if she had been with anybody else. I felt like killing her, I stopped all contact with her for a few months. How could someone who had been my friend before we even had sex, lie to me about something so important? I don't care about being scared or all those other weak a$$ excuses women use.

 

I resumed talking to her as a friend only after awhile, but she started trying again to get me to be with her. If I wouldn't do it before, I sure as hell wasn't going to after that. I was mean to her for a year or so to make her stop liking me. I made smart ass comments such as, "No..I can't be with you. It would be awkward for the kid, having two white parents. It would be like Webster. Go find you a black dude and see if he'll help you raise you kid." And the real dad does nothing for the kid- I used to rub that in too. I spent near $1400 before the kid was even born, and he's done nothing despite having a better job.

 

Well, after a year or so she gave up on me and got a boyfriend. I loved it: competition! I started showering her with attention trying to win an imaginary competition.She got engaged to this guy, so I stopped making moves on her. Then she started making advances on me after she got married, I guess she missed it when I stopped giving her attention or something. We have always hung out(except when I was pissed for a few months over the kid). So we kept hanging out and she started making advances which I initially rejected. The 1st time we cheated was because of a massage that escalated, but it has become a much too common occurrence. I feel guilty but in a strange way its more gratifying than when I tried to woo her while she was only dating her hubby. It's like I won the competition after all. I know this is crazy $hit, and I'm probably a psycho. But I have stopped talking to her and yes, I did tell her why. She can't make up any lies on me because I have saved her texts and voice-mails.

 

I still haven't figured out why I'm doing all this though. Is it because of the ego boost I get from it? Or is because I'm still pissed and want to cause her pain and ruin her relationship?

[Owl]

Alright...nice guy mode is over and done with for a few.

 

Look...don't provide a half-@$$ed post that doesn't contain half the pertinent information and then string it along doling out little bits at a time just because you feel like it!!!

 

This went from "she's my friend" to "she was my girlfriend and cheated on me..." in the blink of an eye.

 

Stop being a jerk here. You know what the two of you are doing is WRONG. Bluntly, she cheated on you when you were together, she's cheating on her husband now with you...she's a slut, and you're a damned fool for keeping the stupidity going!!!

 

No sense in saying it anymore to you....I won't say anything more. Tell him, drop her, move to Saskatchawan. Quit the BS already, and make it happen. I've got no pity for fools.