So heartbroken he will not give me another chance :(

[tma]

So I have wrote an earlier thread about the breakup that I had went through 2 months ago, if you want to read more of the details to it there. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/426454-pointless-point

 

Long story short, we broke up September 7th because I ended it because My problems were that thing had gotten very boring and complacent. We stopped showing affection and attention for one another, we'd sleep together maybe once a month, and it seemed like we were more friends than actually in a relationship. Since we had been dating, we spent every night together, which looking back on it now, probably assisted us in what made the relationship become what it had become. Our nights would for the most part, consist of just watching tv in my room, and then going to bed at the same time, with the same routine. I had brought up how I was feeling about this a couple times, but he would say that he was content and he was happy with things. I couldn't understand how since we barely even touched each other anymore....

After we broke up I basically immediately regretted it but he said it hurt him too much and he didn't see a future with us anymore. The breakup has basically consumed me since then..

 

Since the last time that I had wrote, I was in Europe for three weeks, and we hadn’t spoken until then until October 27th, which was the night before I left for home. I messaged him to tell him that It’d be nice to see him and talk when I get back etc, and he said he was up for it. A few hours before we met up, he told me that he is not the same about us anymore and that he is bitter about it all. That he doesn’t dislike me, but he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. He says he hasn’t changed and if anything he is worse off now than before because of it all and things with us are not going to work, because he is not into it like he used to be. He said that he knew what he wanted 100% when we were together and he was in love, and I didn’t, and it bothers him so much that it took us breaking up for me to realize it.I tried to tell him that he is only thinking negatively and is forgetting all of the positives about us and that the pros out weigh the cons, and that if we started hanging out again and having fun together, that those feelings would eventually go away and this issue would be barely a memory in the future. He doesn’t want anything to do with that unfortunately.We ended up meeting up and going for some drinks and had a really good time together. He told me that he has talked to other girls online but hasn’t met any of them and feels like it would still be cheating on me to hook up with anyone else. That he misses me, and lonely and unhappy with it all, but it still doesn’t change anything. We ended up kissing a bit once we said good bye, and I felt that the night went well and that maybe more nights like that could eventually change his mind to become more open to things, but we barely talked since then, and he’d only message me if I messaged him first.

 

Last night I couldn't handle such uncertainty anymore and I messaged him stupidly and started bringing up that I will never understand his decision to not want to give things a second chance if he had been so sure of me and had planned out the proposal for next year and was so happy with me etc. That it made me so sad I wasn’t worth a second chance and that people go through terrible break ups and cheating and can manage to become better from it. Our breakup wasn’t even bad at all. I was just unsure if things could get better because things had gotten so passionless and boring and he didn’t see anything wrong with it. Instead I made a rash and quick decision and chose to end things and regretted it basically immediately, but he refused to take me back. He basically had nothing to say back to what I said and all he could say was that he was sorry and that he doesn’t feel the same way as me anymore. THEN he accidentally texts me instead of his brother and says “She just keeps going on about second chance BS. I think she gets the idea now.” Then he realizes he’s in the wrong conversation and says “Well that’s embarrassing. I’m not talking s**t. I’m just talking to him about it and it’s just the lingo. And that he was sorry and that he doesn’t want to be mean to me. At that point I kind of lost it and got really upset about it all. I had been keeping it kind of tame this whole time even though I was really angry myself about it all. I was mad that someone who apparently loved me SO much and was SO sure of me could just turn off his feelings for me and not think I was worth a second chance and go so cold towards me. He replied to everything saying that I “killed the feelings he had for me when I broke up with him and killed the fight that he had left.”. And then eventually said that I needed to stop talking and that I was making things worse for myself.

 

We haven’t talked since but now it feel like we just broke up all over again. I had a little bit of hope for the past two months which is now completely gone. He never had any intention of trying things again with me even though he acted like there could be in the future once things had settled down. Maybe I ruined it by all of the stuff I said, but I felt like he deserved to hear it and I wanted to say it because he needed to know how much he hurt me in all of this too. It blows my mind that someone who was so in love with me wouldn’t feel I’m worth a second chance just because I broke up with him and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t a messy break up whatsoever.

 

Now I have no choice but to move on and accept that I made the biggest mistake of my life and deal with losing him for good. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this and it kills me so much.

Edited November 7, 2013 by tma

[lindsay1990]

So I have wrote an earlier thread about the breakup that I had went through 2 months ago, if you want to read more of the details to it there. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/426454-pointless-point

 

Long story short, we broke up September 7th because I ended it because My problems were that thing had gotten very boring and complacent. We stopped showing affection and attention for one another, we'd sleep together maybe once a month, and it seemed like we were more friends than actually in a relationship. Since we had been dating, we spent every night together, which looking back on it now, probably assisted us in what made the relationship become what it had become. Our nights would for the most part, consist of just watching tv in my room, and then going to bed at the same time, with the same routine. I had brought up how I was feeling about this a couple times, but he would say that he was content and he was happy with things. I couldn't understand how since we barely even touched each other anymore....

 

 

After we broke up I basically immediately regretted it but he said it hurt him too much and he didn't see a future with us anymore. The breakup has basically consumed me since then..

 

Since the last time that I had wrote, I was in Europe for three weeks, and we hadn’t spoken until then until October 27th, which was the night before I left for home. I messaged him to tell him that It’d be nice to see him and talk when I get back etc, and he said he was up for it. A few hours before we met up, he told me that he is not the same about us anymore and that he is bitter about it all. That he doesn’t dislike me, but he doesn’t feel that way about me anymore. He says he hasn’t changed and if anything he is worse off now than before because of it all and things with us are not going to work, because he is not into it like he used to be. He said that he knew what he wanted 100% when we were together and he was in love, and I didn’t, and it bothers him so much that it took us breaking up for me to realize it.

 

My guess is:

The reasons why it was probably getting boring and stale in the first place.

The consequences why he doesn't want to go back to boring complacent relationship.

 

You might say: "No! He doesn't see a future BECAUSE things got stale, otherwise why would he have stayed and not broken up with me first, then?".

 

I would reply: because he was comfortable enough. Though I don't know how comfortable it could be if you weren't having sex anymore. Had you always had sex at such a low frequency, fine. But if it declined so significantly to once a month, he was either getting it somewhere else or felt that checked out already that he actually felt disinterested/guilty if he had sex with you. Possibly also just a general lack of excitement for the relationship, in all aspects.

 

 

I tried to tell him that he is only thinking negatively and is forgetting all of the positives about us and that the pros out weigh the cons, and that if we started hanging out again and having fun together, that those feelings would eventually go away and this issue would be barely a memory in the future. He doesn't want anything to do with that unfortunately.

 

In my personal opinion you are confusing the two things I wrote previously. he doesn't want to hear possible solutions because, and I am probably jaded here but, he probably had enough already and you gave him the out by breaking up. He just doesn't want to be together no matter if it's super exciting, just not the two of you.

 

 

We ended up meeting up and going for some drinks and had a really good time together. He told me that he has talked to other girls online but hasn’t met any of them and feels like it would still be cheating on me to hook up with anyone else. That he misses me, and lonely and unhappy with it all, but it still doesn’t change anything We ended up kissing a bit once we said good bye.

 

He feels guilty, you stroked his ego and his guilt at the same time. Basically, you made him feel that it's okay to have all these doubts and not want to be with you because you're still gonna be there to hang out and make out with.

 

And I would venture that the reason he tells you he is talking to others girls is so then you won't come at him over it (especially if he is still being physical with you)

 

 

 

, and I felt that the night went well and that maybe more nights like that could eventually change his mind to become more open to things, but we barely talked since then, and he’d only message me if I messaged him first.

 

 

It didn't go well. He got to make out with you and you got to go home still broken up with. As for the messages, while initiating or staying in contact with him you are still putting yourself in the position to be rejected over and over again.

 

 

Last night I couldn't handle such uncertainty anymore and I messaged him stupidly and started bringing up that I will never understand his decision to not want to give things a second chance if he had been so sure of me and had planned out the proposal for next year and was so happy with me etc.

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this but there's not much uncertainty, he doesn't want to get back together and there is nothing you can say to change his mind

 

That it made me so sad I wasn’t worth a second chance and that people go through terrible break ups and cheating and can manage to become better from it. Our breakup wasn’t even bad at all. I was just unsure if things could get better because things had gotten so passionless and boring and he didn’t see anything wrong with it. Instead I made a rash and quick decision and chose to end things and regretted it basically immediately, but he refused to take me back. He basically had nothing to say back to what I said and all he could say was that he was sorry and that he doesn’t feel the same way as me anymore.

 

 

Because his feelings didn't change because of the break up. Trust me on this one. He's pinning it on the break up a small bit but the crucial piece of information he is giving you is that he doesn't feel the way, and all the things in bold in the first paragraph. The problem isn't the break up or its circumstances, it's his feelings and the fact that he doesn't want to be together anymore.

 

 

THEN he accidentally texts me instead of his brother and says “She just keeps going on about second chance BS. I think she gets the idea now.” Then he realizes he’s in the wrong conversation and says “Well that’s embarrassing. I’m not talking s**t. I’m just talking to him about it and it’s just the lingo. And that he was sorry and that he doesn’t want to be mean to me. At that point I kind of lost it and got really upset about it all. I had been keeping it kind of tame this whole time even though I was really angry myself about it all.

 

 

He definitely doesn't want to be with you. whether it was an accident or not, he wants you to get the picture. He thinks getting back together with you is a bulls.hit idea.

 

 

I was mad that someone who apparently loved me SO much and was SO sure of me could just turn off his feelings for me and not think I was worth a second chance and go so cold towards me. He replied to everything saying that I “killed the feelings he had for me when I broke up with him and killed the fight that he had left.”. And then eventually said that I needed to stop talking and that I was making things worse for myself.

 

 

False. He's pinning in on you entirely. His feelings didn't "die" in the break up. He could say he doesn't trust you, that he's too hurt right now, anything about the break up. But the other things he actually said to you plus your description of how the relationship had been going points to the fact that his feelings had been dwindling a long time. I know it feels rash because you were the one who pulled the trigger but it was a long time coming from what you say.

 

 

 

We haven’t talked since but now it feel like we just broke up all over again.

 

Because everytime NC is broken it's rejection time all over again.

 

 

 

Now I have no choice but to move on and accept that I made the biggest mistake of my life and deal with losing him for good. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this and it kills me so much.

 

 

Don't blame yourself. My opinion here is that this wasn't you're doing for pulling the plug. At all. Perhaps he's letting you take the fall for it so he feels less guilty, or perhaps just so have something concise and specific to blame the break up on because it doesn't get much more vague than a change of feelings/not feeling the same.

 

I'm sorry you go through this heartbreak right now, but this ran deeper than the break up itself and it wasn't your doing that changed your ex boyfriend's feelings. You're right in recognizing that you have to move and NC is the way to do that.

[tma]

My guess is:

The reasons why it was probably getting boring and stale in the first place.

The consequences why he doesn't want to go back to boring complacent relationship.

.

 

Thank you for your reply, I've honestly never considered that maybe he was checking out of the relationship while I was? The thing that makes me really unsure of that theory is that he said that he was 100% sure of his feelings for me and that what hurt him a lot was that this time next year, we were going to buy a house together and then within that year he was going to propose to me and already had the engagement all planned out. He stresses that to me each time. And his brother and friends have said that as well to me. He said he was completely happy with the relationship, and that he just thought we were going through a kind of rough patch. I think what I did completely blind sided him and really hurt him a lot and he can't get past it. He is very stubborn and strong willed and isn't good with emotions. If he wasn't, I'm sure we would be back together, but he's forcing himself not to for whatever reason. Maybe because I hurt his ego too much and he's mad at me for resorting to breaking up, or maybe because his feelings are really gone for me now.

 

You are right though that the night didn't go well. I just thought it did because we were having fun together and I was hoping that could possibly change his mind. But in turn I was just putting myself through torture. I should've went NC 2 months ago, maybe he would've came around, or at least I wouldn't still be this heart broken. He is definitely pinning this all on me though for sure and not taking responsibility for his actions in how things became.

 

Back to NC now I guess, as sick as the thought of that makes me feel. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. I could barely hold it together at work. I hate relationships.

[tma]

I guess part of this for me is using it as a way to just get out how I'm feeling and put it down on "paper" so to speak. Today wasn't as bad as yesterday, but I've still been crying a bit and I still have that very sad feeling in my heart that from missing him and what we had. I still can't believe that it's actually over. I regret messaging him all the things that I did the other day because I basically ruined all the work I had done to give him some space and just ended up pushing him away more. When your emotions are running crazy, it's hard to make rational decisions. Trying to be friends with him in hopes of making things work was such a bad idea . I feel like this is always what I do during break ups and it never works for me. I guess I just thought that if I was the one he wanted to marry before we broke up, that he would be willing to try to make it work just as much as I did. I have the worst luck with guys it seems. I made an appointment with a therapist next week so hopefully that can start to help me through this. I also decided to rearrange my room and paint it another colour to Change things up a bit. He spent every night at my place so I have too many memories of him there. Makes me sad. Day 2 of NC I guess...

[HeartBorken]

Basically felt the same way with my break up but here is the thing. She left me because she felt out of love although we have had so many great memories together she wanted to break up. She didn't like that we had a routine and wanted to be adventurous as for sex that declined to mainly because of stressing out for other stuff on my part Bills/Work. However i never once stopped loving her and i knew she was the one i wanted to marry 100% I was happy with my life with her and i knew things would get better later on with a bit of trying but she wanted to break up anyway. Once she did that she completely destroyed that 100% certainty i had of her. I then began to think if she did this now who's to say she won't do it again? (That's from fear of letting my heart out to her and she crushed it because she was "Bored")

 

Honestly if he is a good guy no he wasn't getting sex from somewhere else. No he wasn't feeling guilty. Some guys just aren't that big into sex and for whatever reason his sex drive could decrease and not because of malicious reasons. (I'm one of them)

 

This is how i feel about it when it happened to me. She completely ruined that 100% feeling. It certainly wouldn't be the same relationship because i would be a lot more hesitant. (Yeah im sure that feeling would go away again but he would have to be ready to take the risk of you breaking his heart again. even though you might not do it again... to him he is very unsure)

 

I'm sure he loves you a lot but is scared and hurt. Give him time to relax if he wants to be with you he will contact you. I PROMISE.

[tma]

Basically felt the same way with my break up but here is the thing. She left me because she felt out of love although we have had so many great memories together she wanted to break up. She didn't like that we had a routine and wanted to be adventurous as for sex that declined to mainly because of stressing out for other stuff on my part Bills/Work. However i never once stopped loving her and i knew she was the one i wanted to marry 100% I was happy with my life with her and i knew things would get better later on with a bit of trying but she wanted to break up anyway. Once she did that she completely destroyed that 100% certainty i had of her. I then began to think if she did this now who's to say she won't do it again? (That's from fear of letting my heart out to her and she crushed it because she was "Bored")

 

Honestly if he is a good guy no he wasn't getting sex from somewhere else. No he wasn't feeling guilty. Some guys just aren't that big into sex and for whatever reason his sex drive could decrease and not because of malicious reasons. (I'm one of them)

 

This is how i feel about it when it happened to me. She completely ruined that 100% feeling. It certainly wouldn't be the same relationship because i would be a lot more hesitant. (Yeah im sure that feeling would go away again but he would have to be ready to take the risk of you breaking his heart again. even though you might not do it again... to him he is very unsure)

 

I'm sure he loves you a lot but is scared and hurt. Give him time to relax if he wants to be with you he will contact you. I PROMISE.

 

He is definitely a good guy and I know for sure he wasn't getting it anywhere else. We spent basically every day and night together, and I think that is what played a big part in how things got to the way they did.

 

What you said about how you felt with the breakup sounds like everything he is basically saying to me. Except for he is not willing to give me a second chance at all, he doesn't think it can ever work with me again and doesn't see me as "the one" anymore I get that he is very hurt and is probably scared I will hurt him again, but I feel like if you truly love the person, you'd do anything to make it work if you could. He says he feels emotionally dead about this and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. To me that unfortunately sounds like I'll never have the chance again. I just hate myself for doing this to him and to us.

 

But you are right to give him his time and space, and I guess if things are really meant to be then he'll come around.... It breaks my heart to think that I'll never get a second chance with him again and that I messed it all up . The life lessons we have to go through...sigh

[HeartBorken]

He is definitely a good guy and I know for sure he wasn't getting it anywhere else. We spent basically every day and night together, and I think that is what played a big part in how things got to the way they did.

 

What you said about how you felt with the breakup sounds like everything he is basically saying to me. Except for he is not willing to give me a second chance at all, he doesn't think it can ever work with me again and doesn't see me as "the one" anymore I get that he is very hurt and is probably scared I will hurt him again, but I feel like if you truly love the person, you'd do anything to make it work if you could. He says he feels emotionally dead about this and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. To me that unfortunately sounds like I'll never have the chance again. I just hate myself for doing this to him and to us.

 

But you are right to give him his time and space, and I guess if things are really meant to be then he'll come around.... It breaks my heart to think that I'll never get a second chance with him again and that I messed it all up . The life lessons we have to go through...sigh

 

I actually wouldn't take my ex back. Simply for the fact that when she broke up with me that translate to she no longer felt our relationship was worth it and that another person is a better option than i am....Its like feeling so confident about someone then you realize that the person could may as well not feel the same way you did...... and i would use the same sentence "If you truly love the person you wouldn't break up with them to begin with" ......... ....... If it isn't obvious i still have a bit of anger myself towards my ex for what she did......Maybe after i relax and calm down i will see things in a different light but for now i know that i am hurting a lot.

[tma]

I actually wouldn't take my ex back. Simply for the fact that when she broke up with me that translate to she no longer felt our relationship was worth it and that another person is a better option than i am....Its like feeling so confident about someone then you realize that the person could may as well not feel the same way you did...... and i would use the same sentence "If you truly love the person you wouldn't break up with them to begin with" ......... ....... If it isn't obvious i still have a bit of anger myself towards my ex for what she did......Maybe after i relax and calm down i will see things in a different light but for now i know that i am hurting a lot.

 

Well it wasn't exactly that I felt someone was a better option or that I didn't feel that way about him anymore. I just felt that he just maybe wasn't capable of giving me the affection and attention I needed. He said giving me compliments made him feel uncomfortable and he wasn't very affectionate unless it was intitated by me. I was scared that it would always be like that and never get better, and that is why I think our relationship was becoming passionless. That was a big reason for the breakup, so I basically see it as he chose to walk away from the relationship instead of making more of an effort. I may have been the one who ended it, but it was more caused by him than anything to me. Not that it takes away from the fact that I probably crushed him. I feel horrible for that. And by hearing your side of it, it helps me understand where he is coming from. I'm sorry that she did that to you and has left you feeling that way. How long has it been?? Has she tried to come back??

[ponchsox]

No matter what he does, he's not going to fix your heart and make you happy. Only you can do that.

[HeartBorken]

Well it wasn't exactly that I felt someone was a better option or that I didn't feel that way about him anymore. I just felt that he just maybe wasn't capable of giving me the affection and attention I needed. He said giving me compliments made him feel uncomfortable and he wasn't very affectionate unless it was intitated by me. I was scared that it would always be like that and never get better, and that is why I think our relationship was becoming passionless. That was a big reason for the breakup, so I basically see it as he chose to walk away from the relationship instead of making more of an effort. I may have been the one who ended it, but it was more caused by him than anything to me. Not that it takes away from the fact that I probably crushed him. I feel horrible for that. And by hearing your side of it, it helps me understand where he is coming from. I'm sorry that she did that to you and has left you feeling that way. How long has it been?? Has she tried to come back??

 

I understand that you probably didn't feel that way but ultimately when you break up with someone and you stand by that decision you will eventually be with someone else right? Also as for the issue with feeling uncomfortable that seems like he may have a few issues/insecurity that he has to work out about himself. At the end of the day you broke up with him (And by all means maybe you did try to save it before you left) so now you have to deal with the issues of a breakup. Now from your point of view what makes you think you won't feel passionless again after being with him?. I honestly feel you both need time to relax and really think about what it is you want. Give him his space and work on you.

 

 

My situation it's been about 3 months now and yeah she has tried to get back together but i rejected that offer. I'm a honest person (Yeah i can be boring at times) but i don't play games and i know what i want in life. So when i tell someone i love them and want to marry them i mean that with 100% of my heart. When she broke up with me and broke that 100% trust and it isn't fair to live my life scared worrying if she would leave me again. I ended up telling her that if she really cares that she should move on with her life. I will call her when i am ready to be FRIENDS and from there see where things go. I feel that you need time to grow and learn what went wrong in order to truly earn a second chance in a relationship from both sides.

[xUnknown]

Dude, you're relationship is just like mine to the T. Except with the sex part, she was the one that never wanted to have it anymore. Regardless, I agree 100% with what you said. TMA, you broke up with him. You broke his heart (regardless if he was slowly checking out or not). He doesn't want to put that trust in you again...or if he has thought about it, he just isn't sure. Time off is what you both need right now. What soul searching have you done to determine that you both won't get back to that "complacent" state. My ex gf pretty much sounds just like you. She wasn't sure if she was feeling it, we got comfortable/complacent. Same thing. I busted my ass to keep the relationship alive, but when its all said and done, she ended it with me. As Heartbroken mentioned, I may now forever have that feeling - is she going to bail again - in my head....I'm sure he would/is/does also.

[tma]

I understand that you probably didn't feel that way but ultimately when you break up with someone and you stand by that decision you will eventually be with someone else right? Also as for the issue with feeling uncomfortable that seems like he may have a few issues/insecurity that he has to work out about himself. At the end of the day you broke up with him (And by all means maybe you did try to save it before you left) so now you have to deal with the issues of a breakup. Now from your point of view what makes you think you won't feel passionless again after being with him?. I honestly feel you both need time to relax and really think about what it is you want. Give him his space and work on you.

 

 

My situation it's been about 3 months now and yeah she has tried to get back together but i rejected that offer. I'm a honest person (Yeah i can be boring at times) but i don't play games and i know what i want in life. So when i tell someone i love them and want to marry them i mean that with 100% of my heart. When she broke up with me and broke that 100% trust and it isn't fair to live my life scared worrying if she would leave me again. I ended up telling her that if she really cares that she should move on with her life. I will call her when i am ready to be FRIENDS and from there see where things go. I feel that you need time to grow and learn what went wrong in order to truly earn a second chance in a relationship from both sides.

 

Yeah, that is true. As much as it is so hard to think of being with anyone else right now. I guess I cannot say 100% that things would become passionless again. Maybe that is just how he is in relationships and needs to find someone that would be okay with that. His dad committed suicide when he was 16, and I think that may be the reason for why he is uncomfortable at expressing himself. This issue I have with him he's said that all his past girlfriends have had that problem as well, so I know I am not the only one. I guess this is something he needs to work on, on his own.

 

Are you feeling better about things now that it's been 3 months? Have you gone NC?? I guess I can see where you are coming from because it would be hard not to worry about them ending it again. But aren't all relationships a risk? I'd rather take the risk with someone I know that I loved 100% rather than someone new who could potentially hurt me just as easy. He said he wanted to stay friends and talk with me from the beginning, which I tried to do, but it was just driving me crazy always wondering when he was going to change his mind. Which is why we had that big fight the other night and things ended badly. I haven't been AS sad as I was the other day, but I still have that empty feeling in my heart that is missing him.

[tma]

No matter what he does, he's not going to fix your heart and make you happy. Only you can do that.

 

Yes, you are very right. I am trying my best.

[tma]

Dude, you're relationship is just like mine to the T. Except with the sex part, she was the one that never wanted to have it anymore. Regardless, I agree 100% with what you said. TMA, you broke up with him. You broke his heart (regardless if he was slowly checking out or not). He doesn't want to put that trust in you again...or if he has thought about it, he just isn't sure. Time off is what you both need right now. What soul searching have you done to determine that you both won't get back to that "complacent" state. My ex gf pretty much sounds just like you. She wasn't sure if she was feeling it, we got comfortable/complacent. Same thing. I busted my ass to keep the relationship alive, but when its all said and done, she ended it with me. As Heartbroken mentioned, I may now forever have that feeling - is she going to bail again - in my head....I'm sure he would/is/does also.

 

Yes, you and heartborken are very right about how he is probably feeling and that I really do not know for sure if things will go back to the state they were in. It's just hard to accept the time and space thing when all you want is to rebuild it now and have them back in your life. It's scary to think that we may just move apart from each other and never have the chance again to be together. I'm also scared that I'm just always going to have this feeling of regret with me for forever and that he will just move on and be fine.

 

Did your ex try and get back together with you too? How long has it been for you ??

[greenfairie]

Wow. Your relationship sounds so much like mine. I broke up with my ex bf too, regretted it after but not for about half a year later into the breakup, I wanted to get back together officially and to work out things. We weren't having sex anymore, we got really comfortable, we got into a routine. I honestly felt at times I was married and at the time I was only 17. We lived together, had a same routine, did chores together, so much together. It really tore my heart into 39831989 pieces when he told me no. It was even worse when he said he's trying to see someone else. After that, he was like I miss you. I love you. We just need to grow up on our own a little bit. He just didn't want to give it a try anymore.

 

It really is a pain….

[HeartBorken]

Yeah, that is true. As much as it is so hard to think of being with anyone else right now. I guess I cannot say 100% that things would become passionless again. Maybe that is just how he is in relationships and needs to find someone that would be okay with that. His dad committed suicide when he was 16, and I think that may be the reason for why he is uncomfortable at expressing himself. This issue I have with him he's said that all his past girlfriends have had that problem as well, so I know I am not the only one. I guess this is something he needs to work on, on his own.

 

Are you feeling better about things now that it's been 3 months? Have you gone NC?? I guess I can see where you are coming from because it would be hard not to worry about them ending it again. But aren't all relationships a risk? I'd rather take the risk with someone I know that I loved 100% rather than someone new who could potentially hurt me just as easy. He said he wanted to stay friends and talk with me from the beginning, which I tried to do, but it was just driving me crazy always wondering when he was going to change his mind. Which is why we had that big fight the other night and things ended badly. I haven't been AS sad as I was the other day, but I still have that empty feeling in my heart that is missing him.

 

Judging from his past he probably does have some troubling issues to work out. So again time apart would probably do him a lot of good to work on himself. If he wanted to be friends but you couldn't at least just tell him that you are here for him whenever he needs you. At least he knows its okay to contact you.

 

As for me. I begged to get back with her for a month lol. Then after going no contact for a few weeks i started to hear from her. To be honest the time alone really help me put things in prospective and knowing she could break my heart like that..... I just couldn't do it again (At least for now... I say this because people do get back together sometimes so maybe i just need to go through that break through lol) but right now working on myself and becoming a better person is my main focus. I don't think about her much anymore because it just hurts. even thinking of the good times just brings me sadness now... so i do feel myself drifting apart and i kinda like it. (In the sense i no longer her give her that power over me. I was a complete wreck after the break up and its getting better now). Dating is a risk yes but maybe getting to know that person could mean all the difference in my life.............. I do still feel maybe if she really showed she changed there is hope for us but the change im looking for doesn't happen in a month. If we get back together we have to be improved people from when we broke up or you could just end up breaking up again.

Edited November 11, 2013 by HeartBorken

[j.gman]

You need to back off and give him some space. Stop being so available and needy all the time. It'll only push your ex away.

[tma]

Judging from his past he probably does have some troubling issues to work out. So again time apart would probably do him a lot of good to work on himself. If he wanted to be friends but you couldn't at least just tell him that you are here for him whenever he needs you. At least he knows its okay to contact you.

 

As for me. I begged to get back with her for a month lol. Then after going no contact for a few weeks i started to hear from her. To be honest the time alone really help me put things in prospective and knowing she could break my heart like that..... I just couldn't do it again (At least for now... I say this because people do get back together sometimes so maybe i just need to go through that break through lol) but right now working on myself and becoming a better person is my main focus. I don't think about her much anymore because it just hurts. even thinking of the good times just brings me sadness now... so i do feel myself drifting apart and i kinda like it. (In the sense i no longer her give her that power over me. I was a complete wreck after the break up and its getting better now). Dating is a risk yes but maybe getting to know that person could mean all the difference in my life.............. I do still feel maybe if she really showed she changed there is hope for us but the change im looking for doesn't happen in a month. If we get back together we have to be improved people from when we broke up or you could just end up breaking up again.

 

Well the unfortunate thing with the friends situation is that the last time we talked, we got into a big fight and the conversation ended on a bad note, so I can't really just message him now to say that I am there for him. But he does know that I want to work things out and I've made it 110% clear what I am willing to do, and that the anger that I had in the last conversation was because of how much it hurts he won't give me a second chance. Which I guess I should've been more sensitive to. Nothing I can really do about it now.

 

It's amazing the things we will do to try and get someone back. The begging and allowing yourself to be completely degraded by doing that is so sad. Everyone tells you not to do that, but it's almost like you just can't help yourself and you have to go through it to realize how silly it is to do. I've learned that the hard way many times. That is good to hear that you are doing better and getting through things. Even though I am the dumper (which basically feels like the dumpee anyways now), it gives me the hope that things will get better. I wish I was able to not think of him like you are, but all I can think about is him most time and it just consumes me. I do agree with you that it does take time for people to change, and that maybe rushing right back into the relationship would just be a very bad idea. It just seems like the more time that you spend apart, the more you drift apart, and that is such a sad feeling. I feel like the more time that passes, the less likely it'll ever be that he would try again. Like he'd rather just start over with someone new than bother with me another time. He is just way too stubborn it seems.

 

How long do you think you'd wait before trying things again with your ex? When it doesn't hurt as much to think about her? Or if you got to that point, would you rather just choose to move on to someone else?

[tma]

Wow. Your relationship sounds so much like mine. I broke up with my ex bf too, regretted it after but not for about half a year later into the breakup, I wanted to get back together officially and to work out things. We weren't having sex anymore, we got really comfortable, we got into a routine. I honestly felt at times I was married and at the time I was only 17. We lived together, had a same routine, did chores together, so much together. It really tore my heart into 39831989 pieces when he told me no. It was even worse when he said he's trying to see someone else. After that, he was like I miss you. I love you. We just need to grow up on our own a little bit. He just didn't want to give it a try anymore.

 

It really is a pain….

 

So you realized you wanted to get back together 6 months after the break up? What made you change your mind? Did you go NC that whole time? Sorry to hear that you are hurting about it. I know how you feel and it is a horrible feeling. But you did put it out there, so if he does change his mind then he knows you'd be open to it. There's nothing much we can really do to change their minds unfortunately. It sucks

[tma]

You need to back off and give him some space. Stop being so available and needy all the time. It'll only push your ex away.

 

You are very right and I learned that the hard way already. I have backed off now and plan to keep it that way. There is nothing I can to change things anymore, and I've tried my best. Just have to move on from here...

[HeartBorken]

Well the unfortunate thing with the friends situation is that the last time we talked, we got into a big fight and the conversation ended on a bad note, so I can't really just message him now to say that I am there for him. But he does know that I want to work things out and I've made it 110% clear what I am willing to do, and that the anger that I had in the last conversation was because of how much it hurts he won't give me a second chance. Which I guess I should've been more sensitive to. Nothing I can really do about it now.

 

It's amazing the things we will do to try and get someone back. The begging and allowing yourself to be completely degraded by doing that is so sad. Everyone tells you not to do that, but it's almost like you just can't help yourself and you have to go through it to realize how silly it is to do. I've learned that the hard way many times. That is good to hear that you are doing better and getting through things. Even though I am the dumper (which basically feels like the dumpee anyways now), it gives me the hope that things will get better. I wish I was able to not think of him like you are, but all I can think about is him most time and it just consumes me. I do agree with you that it does take time for people to change, and that maybe rushing right back into the relationship would just be a very bad idea. It just seems like the more time that you spend apart, the more you drift apart, and that is such a sad feeling. I feel like the more time that passes, the less likely it'll ever be that he would try again. Like he'd rather just start over with someone new than bother with me another time. He is just way too stubborn it seems.

 

How long do you think you'd wait before trying things again with your ex? When it doesn't hurt as much to think about her? Or if you got to that point, would you rather just choose to move on to someone else?

 

Yeah begging sucks lol but things like that happen when your filled with emotions. Anyway since he knows he can come to you when he is ready to talk. Just relax and work on yourself. Nothing much you can do and rushing back into a relationship out of fear will only kill your chances. (If he loves you and you love him you will both run back into each other eventually) Two people need to want it to work 100% and right now he isn't sure about that and just wants to take the time to figure things out. It's better to be broken up and get back together a year later and be stronger than ever. Rather than broken up for a month then get back together only to have the same problems reappear. (This is all subjective yes but it has meaning)

 

As for me i am staying at of relationships until i feel fully comfortable about myself. So seeing therapy & working out the gym (Also trying to be more sociable) ...... My issues in the relationship is that i was not confident in myself and that lead to neediness. So yeah i would be willing to take her back after i felt i improved the issues that lead to us breaking up the first time but she would have to do the same.... The way i see it is that my self improvement will help me out a lot and once i reach the stage of dating again maybe me and my ex will talk about or maybe not it all depends (If shes still available and still interested) I would also have to get over the whole i wasn't good enough for you then but now i am........... That angers me a lot.....maybe i will just date new people instead but who knows lol. I am far from reaching my goal so who knows what i would think then.

[tma]

Yeah begging sucks lol but things like that happen when your filled with emotions. Anyway since he knows he can come to you when he is ready to talk. Just relax and work on yourself. Nothing much you can do and rushing back into a relationship out of fear will only kill your chances. (If he loves you and you love him you will both run back into each other eventually) Two people need to want it to work 100% and right now he isn't sure about that and just wants to take the time to figure things out. It's better to be broken up and get back together a year later and be stronger than ever. Rather than broken up for a month then get back together only to have the same problems reappear. (This is all subjective yes but it has meaning)

 

As for me i am staying at of relationships until i feel fully comfortable about myself. So seeing therapy & working out the gym (Also trying to be more sociable) ...... My issues in the relationship is that i was not confident in myself and that lead to neediness. So yeah i would be willing to take her back after i felt i improved the issues that lead to us breaking up the first time but she would have to do the same.... The way i see it is that my self improvement will help me out a lot and once i reach the stage of dating again maybe me and my ex will talk about or maybe not it all depends (If shes still available and still interested) I would also have to get over the whole i wasn't good enough for you then but now i am........... That angers me a lot.....maybe i will just date new people instead but who knows lol. I am far from reaching my goal so who knows what i would think then.

 

He actually just texted me this today after we had our big fight last week

"I'm not sure if this message is a good idea or whatever. It's been buggin me so I feel like I just need to get it out. What happend last week when I accidently sent you the wrong message was an accident and I only said those things to Brent because I was irritated by the conversation me and you had. I'm sorry you had to see it and it was rude and I never wanted to be mean or disrespectful to you in anyway. This being said it doesn't mean I've changed my mind, but I just wanted you to know I don't dislike or hate you. I loved the time we had together and don't want it to be ruined this way. I'm sure you are upset about this and I don't expect you to forgive it but I guess I'm just hoping you just don't see me as an *******"

It's made me feel all shakey and stressed out seeing it. Not sure if I should respond or wait a while to respond? I love how he has to re state that he hasn't changed his mind. Like he hasn't made that 100% clear already. I'm sick of him reminding me of it over and over.

I am actually starting therapy tomorrow and going back to the gym this week. I've felt so unmotivated to do anything since this break up, so hopefully I can stick with it all and it'll help me feel better a bit... But yeah, I agree with you about it'll be better to wait to get back together after we've worked on things. Although I don't think he really thinks he has that much to change. He thinks the things that I was upset about was because I was insecure and that he wasn't that bad. I don't see how affection and compliments are an insecurity issue though...

 

I think you're doing the right thing by holding off on relationships and getting help and the gym. Everyone says it's the best thing to do so they must be on to something! Haha. I don't think I could handle being in a relationship either right now. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. Part of me wishes I can just meet someone awesome now to maker forget about him though lol. It's good you can recognize all the things you need to improve on and hold back from getting back together. You're strong! That must be so hard. Not sure how you do it! Maybe it's the anger that drives you a bit?

[xUnknown]

Yes, you and heartborken are very right about how he is probably feeling and that I really do not know for sure if things will go back to the state they were in. It's just hard to accept the time and space thing when all you want is to rebuild it now and have them back in your life. It's scary to think that we may just move apart from each other and never have the chance again to be together. I'm also scared that I'm just always going to have this feeling of regret with me for forever and that he will just move on and be fine.

 

Did your ex try and get back together with you too? How long has it been for you ??

We will be broke up officially 5 weeks as of 11/15. We had a 2 week break before that of NC. My ex has reached out to me on the day of our would be 2 year anniv (after 17 days NC) saying "I'm thinking about you today, your never far from my thoughts". Then called the next day with an issue with her car (I installed something that was causing trouble). I decided to break NC and reply the following day. 2 quick texts, that was it. Now on 14 days NC.

I told her during BU that I didn't want to be friends and that it wouldn't be smart for either of us to get over eachother. I could tell that hurt her. It hasn't been that long. But I know in time she'll get in touch with me. Her parents sent me a package the other day saying how much they care about me and love me and wish both of us the best. It hit home for me. Keep the faith and stay strong.

[tma]

I am starting to feel more and more mad...as well as sad of course...as I think about the break up more. That lame text he sent me earlier was such a lame apology only meant to make himself feel better and has nothing to do with how I feel. If he really cared about how I felt, he would've sent his "apology" a week ago. He also had to unnecessarily throw in there that he hasn't changed his mind at all, but loved the time we spent together. Like I haven't heard him tell me multiple times that he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore, I apparently had to hear it one more time!

Also, the more I think about the break up, the more it angers me that he so easily just walked away. I put so much effort in and tried so hard to be patient and work with him on his issues for not being as affectionate and complimentive, and yet when I end it for those reasons, he would rather just give up than try and fix it. He basically puts all the blame on me for the break up, which I did do, but I almost felt like I had no choice because nothing was changing. Now apparently I'm the one who killed all his feelings for me and blah blah blah. Well if breaking up so easily killed his feelings, than they must've not been very strong in the first place. So annoying!!!! And yet here I am, the sad and depressed one over someone who didn't feel like I was worth trying for...

[2fargone]

I am starting to feel more and more mad...as well as sad of course...as I think about the break up more. That lame text he sent me earlier was such a lame apology only meant to make himself feel better and has nothing to do with how I feel. If he really cared about how I felt, he would've sent his "apology" a week ago. He also had to unnecessarily throw in there that he hasn't changed his mind at all, but loved the time we spent together. Like I haven't heard him tell me multiple times that he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore, I apparently had to hear it one more time!

Also, the more I think about the break up, the more it angers me that he so easily just walked away. I put so much effort in and tried so hard to be patient and work with him on his issues for not being as affectionate and complimentive, and yet when I end it for those reasons, he would rather just give up than try and fix it. He basically puts all the blame on me for the break up, which I did do, but I almost felt like I had no choice because nothing was changing. Now apparently I'm the one who killed all his feelings for me and blah blah blah. Well if breaking up so easily killed his feelings, than they must've not been very strong in the first place. So annoying!!!! And yet here I am, the sad and depressed one over someone who didn't feel like I was worth trying for...

 

 

As someone from 'the other side' regarding to my gf breaking up with me because I didn't give her enough affection and stuff..... I can relate to him. Perhaps not in the way he expresses it, but feelings wise.

 

 

He didn't give up, you did. He didn't feel it wasn't worth it, you did.

 

 

He might still have feelings but doesn't want to get hurt. Once trust is broken it's hard to open up again and not have that lingering feeling of 'when will be the next time'.....

 

 

You could have put that effort in when it really counted. Yet you choose to break up. While I'm forgiving towards such a 'mistake' he might not be...