So heartbroken he will not give me another chance :(

[HeartBorken]

He actually just texted me this today after we had our big fight last week

"I'm not sure if this message is a good idea or whatever. It's been buggin me so I feel like I just need to get it out. What happend last week when I accidently sent you the wrong message was an accident and I only said those things to Brent because I was irritated by the conversation me and you had. I'm sorry you had to see it and it was rude and I never wanted to be mean or disrespectful to you in anyway. This being said it doesn't mean I've changed my mind, but I just wanted you to know I don't dislike or hate you. I loved the time we had together and don't want it to be ruined this way. I'm sure you are upset about this and I don't expect you to forgive it but I guess I'm just hoping you just don't see me as an *******"

It's made me feel all shakey and stressed out seeing it. Not sure if I should respond or wait a while to respond? I love how he has to re state that he hasn't changed his mind. Like he hasn't made that 100% clear already. I'm sick of him reminding me of it over and over.

I am actually starting therapy tomorrow and going back to the gym this week. I've felt so unmotivated to do anything since this break up, so hopefully I can stick with it all and it'll help me feel better a bit... But yeah, I agree with you about it'll be better to wait to get back together after we've worked on things. Although I don't think he really thinks he has that much to change. He thinks the things that I was upset about was because I was insecure and that he wasn't that bad. I don't see how affection and compliments are an insecurity issue though...

 

I think you're doing the right thing by holding off on relationships and getting help and the gym. Everyone says it's the best thing to do so they must be on to something! Haha. I don't think I could handle being in a relationship either right now. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. Part of me wishes I can just meet someone awesome now to maker forget about him though lol. It's good you can recognize all the things you need to improve on and hold back from getting back together. You're strong! That must be so hard. Not sure how you do it! Maybe it's the anger that drives you a bit?

 

 

The same text is similar to the one my ex sent me when we broke up. I don't understand why go on to say that you are not changing your mind.... Anyway i get him not trying to be an ahole that is how i was when i was telling my ex i needed peace. No need to respond i think he knows what he is doing and congratulations on starting therapy i hope everything works out. Just continue to do little self improvements and life will get better. Also unless he see where he went wrong in the relationship as well you shouldn't want to take him back.... it will only fail.

 

As for me i don't think i'm strong at all. Just relapsed a hell of a lot today thinking that i will never find someone to love and love me (My ex was very horrible for what she did to me. So to assume there won't be any better in your life. That's a massive blow to your confidence)....... I'm at a crossroad mainly..........Maybe my ex will be a better person and we can create a stronger relationship or maybe there is someone else out there who won't break my heart like she did and values me enough to never let me go. At the end of the day i just want someone who loves me 100% and i feel like i won't get that with my ex after what she did. I really wish i didn't have to deal with all this because is just a lot of confusion now.

[HorseLuck]

Thank you for your reply, I've honestly never considered that maybe he was checking out of the relationship while I was? The thing that makes me really unsure of that theory is that he said that he was 100% sure of his feelings for me and that what hurt him a lot was that this time next year, we were going to buy a house together and then within that year he was going to propose to me and already had the engagement all planned out. He stresses that to me each time. And his brother and friends have said that as well to me. He said he was completely happy with the relationship, and that he just thought we were going through a kind of rough patch. I think what I did completely blind sided him and really hurt him a lot and he can't get past it. He is very stubborn and strong willed and isn't good with emotions. If he wasn't, I'm sure we would be back together, but he's forcing himself not to for whatever reason. Maybe because I hurt his ego too much and he's mad at me for resorting to breaking up, or maybe because his feelings are really gone for me now.

 

You are right though that the night didn't go well. I just thought it did because we were having fun together and I was hoping that could possibly change his mind. But in turn I was just putting myself through torture. I should've went NC 2 months ago, maybe he would've came around, or at least I wouldn't still be this heart broken. He is definitely pinning this all on me though for sure and not taking responsibility for his actions in how things became.

 

Back to NC now I guess, as sick as the thought of that makes me feel. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday evening. I could barely hold it together at work. I hate relationships.

 

 

Tma..I am in an eerily similar situation as yours. Except it wasn't just complacency, and when my ex declined a second chance I went strict no contact. My ex is like yours and knowing that, there's no way I'm going to reach out for multiple lashes. I highly doubt he'd give me another chance in hell. Pretty much agree with everything Lindsay1990 has stated, especially the part where his feelings changed prior to the break-up!!

 

The signs you mentioned were signs I also had, only they didn't stand out as red flags to me when they should have (him closing off, him feeling we acted like friends).

 

What I underlined above, the only claims you should believe are the conclusions you draw on your own after analyzing the relationship for yourself. He might have been unsure of ending the relationship and you provided him the door. His actions do not line up with his feelings. That's the toughest part to accept..that his feelings towards you changed while in the relationship and you may have well been in denial or oblivious to it. You may well never know 100% but you need to critical think this one.

 

You communicated your concerns, and he didn't change anything to make you feel better?

 

In my case, it was only a matter of time before ex ended up breaking it off with me. It would have happened eventually if the issues weren't resolved; it doesn't matter who broke up with who. After I'd ended it he said he'd been considering ending it as well. Yet here I am still in agony over having done it, while he's most likely past suffering a loss.

 

Try your best to rid of the hope for reconciliation. Re-establishing trust is no easy task.

 

Go no contact asap.

Edited November 15, 2013 by HorseLuck

[sun1972]

I am starting to feel more and more mad...as well as sad of course...as I think about the break up more. That lame text he sent me earlier was such a lame apology only meant to make himself feel better and has nothing to do with how I feel. If he really cared about how I felt, he would've sent his "apology" a week ago. He also had to unnecessarily throw in there that he hasn't changed his mind at all, but loved the time we spent together. Like I haven't heard him tell me multiple times that he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore, I apparently had to hear it one more time!

Also, the more I think about the break up, the more it angers me that he so easily just walked away. I put so much effort in and tried so hard to be patient and work with him on his issues for not being as affectionate and complimentive, and yet when I end it for those reasons, he would rather just give up than try and fix it. He basically puts all the blame on me for the break up, which I did do, but I almost felt like I had no choice because nothing was changing. Now apparently I'm the one who killed all his feelings for me and blah blah blah. Well if breaking up so easily killed his feelings, than they must've not been very strong in the first place. So annoying!!!! And yet here I am, the sad and depressed one over someone who didn't feel like I was worth trying for...

 

I was the dumpee a year ago

 

It was only for 4 days!, i went into beg mode etc..and we got back together, she also made a big effort to make it upto me in the following weeks.

 

But ill tell you something, although i was relieved to be back with her.. it changed things for me, i lost something...the view of us being 'forever'

 

even now i think about being told 'i love you but im not sure im in love with you anymore'

 

...when you dump someone, even if you regret it immediatly. You KILL something in the relationship. It may be retrievable but i do see his POV, sorry

 

It isnt that he has walked away easily, i disagree with those who say he is using the BU as an excuse.

 

I suspect it is because when you dumped him, you hurt him and left him feeling so upset. And he thinks it will happen again and wants to avoid that.

[BC1980]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My ex bought md a ring and told me had the proposal all planned out. We had moved in together, the whole kind yards. The thing is that his actions did not match his words conpletely, and they is so hard to reconcile. You really want to believe that they were genuine because that's what you do in a relationship. You trust someone.

 

It helps me to keep looking at it objectively even though that's really hard to do.

[tma]

We will be broke up officially 5 weeks as of 11/15. We had a 2 week break before that of NC. My ex has reached out to me on the day of our would be 2 year anniv (after 17 days NC) saying "I'm thinking about you today, your never far from my thoughts". Then called the next day with an issue with her car (I installed something that was causing trouble). I decided to break NC and reply the following day. 2 quick texts, that was it. Now on 14 days NC.

I told her during BU that I didn't want to be friends and that it wouldn't be smart for either of us to get over eachother. I could tell that hurt her. It hasn't been that long. But I know in time she'll get in touch with me. Her parents sent me a package the other day saying how much they care about me and love me and wish both of us the best. It hit home for me. Keep the faith and stay strong.

 

Did you find talking to her set you back a lot or things going better for you now? When you say you know she'll contact you, are you hoping for a reconciliation at that point? Do you think you could forgive her for breaking up with you? That would be so hard to get something from my exes parents. Would make me miss him more than I already do. Sucks with Christmas coming up and his birthday is also December 3rd...

[tma]

As someone from 'the other side' regarding to my gf breaking up with me because I didn't give her enough affection and stuff..... I can relate to him. Perhaps not in the way he expresses it, but feelings wise.

 

 

He didn't give up, you did. He didn't feel it wasn't worth it, you did.

 

 

He might still have feelings but doesn't want to get hurt. Once trust is broken it's hard to open up again and not have that lingering feeling of 'when will be the next time'.....

 

 

You could have put that effort in when it really counted. Yet you choose to break up. While I'm forgiving towards such a 'mistake' he might not be...

 

I tried for 2 years to get him to work harder on giving me more affection and attention and compliments etc but he never really did. He felt what he gave was enough. You're right though, I could've tried a bit harder myself, but how can I try when someone feels nothing is wrong and doesn't see any issues in the relationship? It's almost like he took it for granted. But what you said he is feeling, you are probably 100% right.

[tma]

The same text is similar to the one my ex sent me when we broke up. I don't understand why go on to say that you are not changing your mind.... Anyway i get him not trying to be an ahole that is how i was when i was telling my ex i needed peace. No need to respond i think he knows what he is doing and congratulations on starting therapy i hope everything works out. Just continue to do little self improvements and life will get better. Also unless he see where he went wrong in the relationship as well you shouldn't want to take him back.... it will only fail.

 

As for me i don't think i'm strong at all. Just relapsed a hell of a lot today thinking that i will never find someone to love and love me (My ex was very horrible for what she did to me. So to assume there won't be any better in your life. That's a massive blow to your confidence)....... I'm at a crossroad mainly..........Maybe my ex will be a better person and we can create a stronger relationship or maybe there is someone else out there who won't break my heart like she did and values me enough to never let me go. At the end of the day i just want someone who loves me 100% and i feel like i won't get that with my ex after what she did. I really wish i didn't have to deal with all this because is just a lot of confusion now.

 

I never responded and haven't heard from him since. Things are getting a bit easier not talking it him although it still sucks a lot to think about. Accepting that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change things other than let him come to me. But you're right. It'll just go back to being the way it was if he doesn't think he needs to change. Can't just all be on me.

 

How have you been doing since when you last replied? Are you doing any better?? I get that feeling of thinking I'll never find anyone better. I still feel like that. It's hard to feel differently when you haven't had any better and when you're alone and lonely. But deep down both you and I know it's not true. It's just a trick of the mind when you're sad. Which seems like it's almost all the time unfortunately.