Cheating girlfriend. What do I do, and how do I do it with conviction?

[rabidfan]

Hi. First time poster..and did some reading. I'm hoping to get some insight as to how to find a direction to go in. I'm torn

both ways and I really want to know how to make a clear decision and get on with my life. Here's my situation, which may

be long but I hope someone can give me some things to chew on either way.

 

My girl and I have been together some 4 years now. The first year or so, admittedly, we did a lot of things together, had a lot of

fun and were very sexually active together - typical teenage love almost. We moved in together, and after about a year, she started cheating on me

online. I noticed her doing things differently around me and acting strange..and could tell something was wrong, if not be sure what it was.

I had confronted her and asked her if we were ok and if anything was going on I should know about. She told me there

wasn't anything going on.

 

I'm a bit computer savvy, and since I had two computers set up for the both of us, I installed spying software. I got definate proof

there was things going on. The online fellow was professing love for her, was consistently talking about the cybersex he enjoyed with her.

She was increasingly running giggling to the phone for private calls and trying to get me out of house on weekends..when I returned she'd

almost always been on the phone or the computer with the guy. I let it all boil up until one day I told her I had a suspicion that

she was having an online affair with someone and wanted to break it off. She again lied to me and told me nothing was going on.

I was so hurt by the lie knowing the truth, and was devastated, crying in her arm. I didn't tell her I knew better.

[rabidfan]

I don't know how, but after this we stayed together for sometime. One day I couldn't take it and confronted her with printed chat logs, and told her

of all the things I saw her do and how she acted. She finally admitted the truth, telling me that since we moved in together things

had gone stale and she felt I wasn't giving her the attention she needed. This guy made her feel attractive and wanted again. I did agree

that things were different since moving in together and tried to improve things, but I was still very hurt. Things were difficult for a long time between us, our sex life was non-existent for a long time.. and there were times after this she needed me to support her that I didn't put in the effort, fearing I was in for more hurt if I I gave myself to the relationship again. But things slowly seemed to get better. We were intimate together, laughing together, and comfortable together more often.

 

One of her dreams was to move overseas, and go to England. She went a month early in summer as she had a job arranged and girlfriend that hadn't seen her in a long time who wanted to take her on a tour..just the girls. I followed a month after to find she was acting strangely again. I didn't

even get over the jetlag before she chewed a strip off me, picking at things in our past. With no job, I had decided I was going to do some touring,

and she had pushed me pretty much out her door. I took little steps, a week at time, always keeping in touch and coming back to her. There

were so many wierd things that didn't add up, the 'private phone calls' and giggling, the arranging to go out with friends and having excuses for why she didn't want me to come along in the two months I was there, I felt she was cheating again. I confronted her with this, and she denies anything is happening. I know how hurt I was the first time when I went digging and found the truth..her lying to me and hiding things from me hurt me more than her cheating actually did. I also knew if I couldnt trust her the relationship was doomed anyway, so I didn't do any detective work to verify what I was thinking happened. Twice I came to her and told her I wanted to end things because I suspected infidelity again and I couldnt trust her, twice I backed down after we talked. I love her very much still and I don't know if I really want to let her go.

 

I left England to come back home, telling her it was to be with family for christmas, but knowing it was because I was stuck in a place where I was

really feeling hurt and lied to and I needed to get out of there. It's been hell, my mind twists and turns all day long on what happened and what I should do.

 

The people I talk to, smart as they are, tell me I have to make a decision that noone can make for me..but how do I do that? What do I base my decision on? If I'm going to be with her for the rest of my life, how do I get to a point to trust her again and put my heart and soul into it like I feel a real relationship deserves? If I'm going to break up with her, how do I not back down when I look into the woman I love's crying eyes insisting nothing has happened and just get on with the breakup and my life without looking back? How do I make a decision and follow through without regretting it the very next second?

 

A bit long I know, but I'm guessing all the stories here are complex and lengthy. I'd appreciate any help and advice you could give me.

[reservoirdog1]

Maybe you should consider phoning or emailing her now that you're back on this continent, and telling her that you're not coming back. That you can't live with her knowing that she's still cheating on you, and that if she wants you she's going to have to come to where YOU are. That should give you a pretty strong indication of the strength of her feelings for you.

[rabidfan]

Well, I have no definitive proof that she is cheating again, only what I see as her acting strange and a lot of things that don't add up.

Some things are small and could be me overreacting..others..like a text message on her cell phone from a housemate in her previous dwelling..stating "Hi sexy beast. I can't stop thinking about you".. make my guts twist.

 

I wouldn't ask for her to come back here to me as this is a one in a lifetime chance for her to be there, she has little money, and she's on a contract to be there at least until the summer.

 

We are still together, and I told her I would be coming back after Christmas. If I were to decide that I wanted to be with her the rest of my life,

I will be going back, no questions. If I decide to break things off..and what a horrible time of year to do that..

 

I have read some of your posts resevoirdog, and know you have been in a simular sitation. Thanks for reading and replying, I'm sure

you can appreciate what goes through a guy's head at a time like this.

[Mary3]

I dont understand why you would want to be with someone who :

 

Admitted that things were stale, who giggles and laughs behind your back while talking online, making you suspicious ...

 

Sounds like she is having an emotional/sexual affair via internet or in real life....

 

She sounds like she is emotionally involved with someone...or wants to be....BIG RED FLAG !

 

Love is blind.

 

Open your eyes.

 

Do you magically think she will * fall back in love * with you ? It sounds like she is out the door ...

 

I know your dilema is to try to work this out but seriously if she is cheating or thinking about cheating, the relationship has a * fracture * in it now.....most likely a permanant one....

[Devildog]

rabidfan, everyone has certain, physical clues that they do when they are lying, and when they are doing certain things. They are subconciously done and they are tell tale signs of when someone is lying. Kind of like how poker players know when an opponent is bluffing based on little physical things.

 

You have caught your girlfriend in an online affair, and you saw the physical and emotional clues she gave off when that happened. After 4 years I am sure you know her well enough to know what her clues are. It sounds to me like she is saying and doing alot of the same things she did the last time she cheated. These clues are probably why you have the gut feeling she is cheating again. I think you would be wise to listen to your gut on this.

 

4 years is a long time to have been with someone and I know it makes it difficult to just walk away. But if you don't, she will keep doing this to you, because that would be twice now that you have let her cheat without any reprecussions. In fact you rewarded her the first time she cheated. She cheated, you gave her more attention and devotion.

 

Walk away, if she comes back, make it difficult for her. Don't give in and forgive and forget right away. And if she doesn't come back you will know she didn't care as much for you as you did for her.

[rabidfan]

first off, thank you for replying..I appreciate it especially at a time like this.

 

I guess this isn't a shock to me anymore, and all the things you are saying are what I know deep inside are right.

 

Breaking off a long term relationship when you've shared so much is just something that will never be easy to do, and will never

be something you want to happen. Now it's something I have to do. Hopefully this forum will continue to provide me with some sense of how to be able to end it, get over it, and start from square one all over again. *sigh*

 

thanks again.

[Devildog]

rabidfan, I am betting you have known in your head for some time that she was cheating, but your heart didn't want to accept it. You are probably still feeling that way. That is the hardest part. Getting your head and heart on the same page. When you accomplish that it will help you feel alot better about the decision.

[Owl]

Rabid- Take a look at my post on the "infidelity" section of LS. Should sound pretty familiar to you. You've done what you can to this point...but you KNOW in your heart that she's still cheating, and she's not done anything to end that situation.

 

Bluntly, she'll keep doing it until she's got no other choices. I agree with the other posters here...you need to tell her its over. And you need to stop supporting her in any way or form. If she wants him, let her have him.

 

If she wants to come back to you...make damn sure that you setup new "rules" in your relationship that can help prevent this from happening again. Take a look at the book "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. Its got a lot that could help you re-look at your relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Alwyz_Changing]

[font=arial][/font][color=black][/color] This situation sounds too familiar. I unfortunatley have been in your place, well, in your girlfreinds place i should say. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years now. I actually cheated on him five years into our relationship. its nothing im proud of.. but it did happen. What im saying is you shouldnt just leave her. What happens if there is something between the two of you that could be? Maybe what you should try doing is really think about what your goals are with her, sit down and talk with her. let her know how your really feeling and let everything out, dont hold back because you have that right.. shes done it to you before, she should understand where your coming from. Let her know that you've come to the point where you want to leave her. When this is put out in front of her, she'll really think, i mean.. I did. Shes still with you for a reason.. for me, it was because i loved my boufriend a lot, but i just needed to know how dating someone else was.. but i mean, my boyfriend came first, thats why i didnt leave him.. and when he made it clear to me that he was going to leave, it really made me think.. what i ultamatley ended up doing was breaking up with the other guy and tryed to win my boyfriend back. And if she takes this same route, then make sure to make rules. You have this right now. If your uncomftrable with her going online to chat rooms then tell her not to have an instant messaging account, or just tell her you dont want her on the internet. i know this sound harsh, but if thats what it takes for you to have a little trust in her, then thats what she should do. and make this clear to her too. if shes not willing to work hard at earning all your trust back, then theres no sence in pursuing the realationship, but if she commits, and gives it her all (and it is worth everysecond of it) then i think that you two can stay together and pass this "mile-stone" in your relationship. I really do hope that this all turns out well for you!

[rabidfan]

I can understand and identify with most of your post Alwyz_Changing. however, i don't understand some things. Maybe

you can give me a unique perspective on this.

 

how would you have felt if your boyfriend had done what you did, and decided well, piss on this 4 year relationship, I'll see what being with other people is like behind her back, just for the thrill of seeing what being with other people is like. oops, I was caught, and I was threatened with the loss of the relationship, maybe I'll beg and plead and submit to otherwise unfair rules to hold things together.

 

maybe if you had an open relationship where you could change partners..but it sounds like you didn't.

 

i have to ask, what were you thinking? if you really loved your boyfriend that much, how could you disrespect him and

your relationship just to see what life is like on the other side? why didn't you just break up with him if you felt

you needed to experience more relationships before you could commit to the one you were in?

[Alwyz_Changing]

Well, I would like to say that i did not mean to offened you in any way. With this said; you are totaly right.. I would have probably felt like i was in hell if my boyfriend had done this to me. I know it was completley wrong what i did and i am not saying what i did was even close to right. And when my boyfriend threatend me with the loss of our relationship, it was a real blow to me because up until then was when I really took everything in. I saw and felt how much i really needed him and wanted him. And yes, i am going to be begging,pleeding.. anything if it means being able to be with him. Yes these rules are unfair, but for me; if these rules make him feel a little bit more comftrable with me.. with trusting me just that little bit, then yes, I am going to do them. These rules he sets upon me are not the only things holding us together. What i do is show him i love him everyday by trying my best to do somthing special for him.

 

And no, i didnt have an open relationship like that.My boyfriend really did love me so deeply.. it was like a love you only heard about. Loyalty and being with one person was the upmost important thing to him.

 

This was why i did it, because i couldnt break him like that. how was i supposed to come to him and break his heart? I really cant say what I was thinking.. I really never imagined myself in that situation. I dont know why i really did it.. out of everything I myself always hated cheaters.. The last thing i wanted to do was become one.

And as for your last question- I couldnt break up with him because even though i felt the need to have other relationships,there was that something holding me back. I didnt really want to leave him because I still needed him. Though it cant be called ideal.. I still loved him.

And because of everything that has happened between us.. my love for him has grown. But its not the same as it used to be.Hes not the same as he used to be. And im not angry at him for it and im not implying in any way that im right.. i just miss all that love he once had for me.

 

i would also like to say that our relationship is not based on me kissing as if this is what your saying.. its based of what love he has left for me and the love i have for him.. its taking time and i know it will probably take years before we can get back to how we were before, if we ever get there.. but in the end its really worth all the effort.

[rabidfan]

Ok,

 

Aftermath post. It ended up that after I came back to North American I kept hearing

stories about other wierd things that condtradicted things she said until one nihgt

- unfortunately new years eve, I heard something and phoned to break up with her.

 

It was not pretty, it still is not pretty. She emailed many times telling me she

missed me and that we should talk, and I flat out either replied that we have

nothing to say to each other or deferred our response to a mutal friend so

we don't have to talk directly.

 

I'm hurting yet, but every day is another day that I think less of

her and do things differently so I can move on. I can't say breaking up is the right

thing for every situation involving cheating, but the way I summarized it is:

 

When you cheat, you have a choice. It's an issue of respect that you have between

the person you know and love and who respects you and loves you in return.

If that person loves you and respects you and honors your relationship, you trust

them to make the right choice. I was faced with temptation many times in the 4 years

together, but I always thought about the consequences of what I was doing or undoing.

The bottom line for me was that 4 years with someone I loved was worth

much more to me that any one night stand I could've had. No matter how drunk I was

or beautiful the other girl or how much she told me that I needed to hear at the time, the consequences

didn't change. I MADE A CHOICE.

 

I know it's hard to break up ..and I'm still dealing with the hurt of that personally. But remember,

when someone cheats on you, they are making a CONSCIOUS DECISION to do so,

taking into account the consequences of doing so. You really have to believe in the

other person's ability to change if you want to stay happy together. And from

I've seen...people may be able to change dress styles, foods they like to eat, and

people they hang with, but when it comes to their core beliefs - that never changes.

 

I guess I'm ranting - and I'm obviously bitter - but at least try to consider my comments

if you're in a cheating relationship and wondering whether to stay together. A lifetime alone

is better than constantly wondering whether your partner respects you enough tonight to say no

to someone's advances - or worse yet - encourages the advances the begin with.

[Mary3]

That is something she could not take from you : Your self respect.

 

I am glad to see you are expressing that in the highest form : Total alienation from someone who DOES NOT deserve you !

[Hund1976]

Well I would say you made the right decision. If someone cheated once and there was other stuff going on in the relationship at that time that would be one thing, but when cheating is going on over a long period of time and if someone does it again after they are caught I really don't think you have any other choice. Hopefully things will get better for you and you'll meet someone better in the future.