I Feel So Betrayed... Should I Just Get Over This?

[Littokay]

I've been a longtime lurker on this forum and never thought I'd actually have to post here.. But here it goes

 

So my boyfriend and I have been together about 9 months now and I seriously thought things could not have been better. I've been in a two-year relationship before but never have I felt so loved and appreciated as I have with this guy. We hardly ever argue about anything serious and have tons of fun together. Best of all, (at least up until recently) I thought we both valued loyalty and respect to each other above all in the relationship.

Up until now...

 

A couple nights ago my bf was asleep when i saw his boss had texted him several times. Thinking it might be something important I checked out the texts and happened to see a conversation he was having with a girl hat he used to hook up with.

 

In this convo they were reminiscing about old times, and she said that he was "still so cute" and she was "sad he had a girlfriend now".... Because I probably wouldn't like them being "friends." He then went on to say that I was "understanding" and they should catch up in person sometime. He then went on to say that she looked "sexy" in her fb picture. UGH

 

I was so heartbroken because I would never, ever cross that inappropriate boundary with someone. I would never feel the NEED to because so happy and content in my relationship!

 

He apologized profusely and begged for a second chance, saying it was a stupid,thoughtless compliment and he'll never talk to her again. I want to be believe him, but I feel like the foundation of strong loyalty and trust in our re has been broken. Do his actions sound like something someone in a happy relationship would do? Am I bound to be disappointed by him again? I want to give him another chance but I can't bear to be deceived and let down this way again

[lindsay1990]

I've been a longtime lurker on this forum and never thought I'd actually have to post here.. But here it goes

 

So my boyfriend and I have been together about 9 months now and I seriously thought things could not have been better. I've been in a two-year relationship before but never have I felt so loved and appreciated as I have with this guy. We hardly ever argue about anything serious and have tons of fun together. Best of all, (at least up until recently) I thought we both valued loyalty and respect to each other above all in the relationship.

Up until now...

 

A couple nights ago my bf was asleep when i saw his boss had texted him several times. Thinking it might be something important I checked out the texts and happened to see a conversation he was having with a girl hat he used to hook up with.

 

In this convo they were reminiscing about old times, and she said that he was "still so cute" and she was "sad he had a girlfriend now".... Because I probably wouldn't like them being "friends." He then went on to say that I was "understanding" and they should catch up in person sometime. He then went on to say that she looked "sexy" in her fb picture. UGH

 

I was so heartbroken because I would never, ever cross that inappropriate boundary with someone. I would never feel the NEED to because so happy and content in my relationship!

 

He apologized profusely and begged for a second chance, saying it was a stupid,thoughtless compliment and he'll never talk to her again. I want to be believe him, but I feel like the foundation of strong loyalty and trust in our re has been broken. Do his actions sound like something someone in a happy relationship would do? Am I bound to be disappointed by him again? I want to give him another chance but I can't bear to be deceived and let down this way again

 

 

You should get over it if you still trust him, but only you know if you feel can do that.

 

What did he say he was sorry for exactly?

 

The compliments sounds flirty but not overly compromising, though he should acknowledge the inappropriateness of it. If he did, great. What you need to get to the bottom of is why he would want to go reconnect with her in the first place?

 

Did she dump HIM and he carries a torch for her? Maybe he just wants to feel validated that he could still have her? Still, he doesn't need to meet for that. Maybe he feels validated with other girls' attention generally, or is it just this girl? Then what makes her so special. Would you be welcome to come along and hang out with the both of them when they "catch" up?

 

I think the good sign is that he gave no indication to the girl about being willing to hide anything from you. He said you would be understanding so at least it doesn't sound like he was going to be secretive about it and you caught him, so the conversation you should be having now was bound to take place anyway.

 

So take it slow and hear him out and see what you guys can uncover about why he would be willing to plan to meet her.

 

Because as it looks right now, it's not like they had concrete plans to hang out yet and maybe he was just flattered/people-pleasing/ego-stroking. So it's not the end of the world so far.

[lindsay1990]

what he actually meant was "she's understanding, so I don't have to bother running it by her."

 

 

trust me on this one, that's EXACTLY what he meant.. otherwise he would have said "i'll run it by her and see what she says"

 

 

 

GASP!!

 

Or even worse, I can run it by after. Maybe. Like if she finds out I met with her.

 

Dammit I have so much to wisen up. Just when you think you can leave the Loveshack back into the wild... you realize you're not ready for resocializing.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. This is obviously valid as she *did* catch him but it's still any man's game. Doesn't have to be the end of the poor kid. Worth a serious talkin'.

[Phoe]

I agree with Lindsay1990, that even though his behavior was not appropriate, had a plan to "catch up" actually been made, it doesn't appear that he would have been secretive about it.

 

Her being understanding equating to "I don't need to run it by her" makes no sense. If he had no intentions of telling her, why bother saying she is understanding? There is nothing for her to be "understanding" about if she was never even going to be aware. It would be completely illogical.

 

 

If he seems to be truly aware of the fact that this is a boundary that was crossed and you can believe that he won't dare cross that kind of boundary again, I'd say give him a chance.

[lindsay1990]

I gotta disagree with the "otherwise he would have said I'll run it by her" though.

 

 

Any self-respecting guy wouldn't give the impression that he needs to ask for permission. This is wishful thinking, unless he is a sissy or naive. if the guy was just trying to get his ego stroked with the other girl's messages I don't think he would have played whipped.

 

 

That's why I think his response was appropriate enough to earn him the benefit of the doubt and the chance to explain.

[lindsay1990]

I would never tolerate this behavior from a guy. But Im in my mid 20's. I expect to date a mature person

 

OP, you should beaware few men would tolerate this behavior from their girlfriend. Im not sure why women responders here are expecting you to.

 

Like for the double standard, good point to raise!

 

 

I'm not asking her to tolerate it, I'm advising she get to the bottom of it. I know that if my ex who dumped me/blew me off I might feel a little vindicated and feel flattered from him seeking me out, and in a few exchanges of texts I could not think and write whatever, let my ego get the best of me though I wouldn't cheat or definiiiiitely want my ex back ever.

 

It's not like I would have been carried out a double life for weeks. I guess the lesson to be learned here is if you want to know how far things are going to go, don't disclose your sources, play dumb like a fox and observe.

 

But now that it's in the open she might as well talk it out. Some mistakes are not character flaws, but mistakes.

[lindsay1990]

If I did that to my current boyfriend he'd be very pissed at me and I wouldn't blame him.

 

 

Agreed. But would he dump you without giving a chance, not to justify it, but to get to the bottom of it and explain why it might have been a fluke and not the beginning-of-the-end?

[Littokay]

You should get over it if you still trust him, but only you know if you feel can do that.

 

What did he say he was sorry for exactly?

 

The compliments sounds flirty but not overly compromising, though he should acknowledge the inappropriateness of it. If he did, great. What you need to get to the bottom of is why he would want to go reconnect with her in the first place?

 

Did she dump HIM and he carries a torch for her? Maybe he just wants to feel validated that he could still have her? Still, he doesn't need to meet for that. Maybe he feels validated with other girls' attention generally, or is it just this girl? Then what makes her so special. Would you be welcome to come along and hang out with the both of them when they "catch" up?

 

I think the good sign is that he gave no indication to the girl about being willing to hide anything from you. He said you would be understanding so at least it doesn't sound like he was going to be secretive about it and you caught him, so the conversation you should be having now was bound to take place anyway.

 

So take it slow and hear him out and see what you guys can uncover about why he would be willing to plan to meet her.

 

Because as it looks right now, it's not like they had concrete plans to hang out yet and maybe he was just flattered/people-pleasing/ego-stroking. So it's not the end of the world so far.

 

Thanks for the articulate replies!

 

His explanation as to why he responded to her (she intitated the conversation) was that it "felt good that someone was thinking of him." so I guess he liked the attention, plain and simple. I guess what I find so disappointing is that it's not like lovers from my past haven't hit me up in this 9-month period...it's just that I have enough respect and loyalty to my boyfriend to not want attention from somebody else, no matter how "innocent" it is. They were never bf/gf anyway, they just hooked up regularly.

 

I would never tolerate this behavior from a guy. But Im in my mid 20's. I expect to date a mature person

 

OP, you should beaware few men would tolerate this behavior from their girlfriend. Im not sure why women responders here are expecting you to.

 

Funny, I actually asked him what he would do if he were in my position, and he literally told me "I would ask you what the hell you were doing with me and to go hang out with that guy you were talking to." So I KNOW he understands that he messed up and that I would be in the right to break up with him over this....I just can't understand WHY he would do this when I thought every between us was so amazing. I almost feel like he's not the extremely loyal guy that I thought he was.

 

This situation really hurt my feelings, and I just don't want to find myself in this same situation a few months from me.

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi Littokay:

Breathe. I think you are really overreacting here. BF's cannot read your mind, so make it very clear what you want or do not want. Your value system for what is appropriate for an ex could be totally different than his value system. He could believe that contact with an ex is okay because you are not engaged, living together, married, etc. I mean, who knows until you talk to him about it.

 

You said he is a great boyfriend and you have never had any reason to distrust him before, therefore do not bring insecurities from past issues with relationships into this one. What did he do to test loyalty? Give someone a compliment? Be in contact with an ex? Yes, that was inconsiderate and he probably didn't think those thngs through, yet he didn't exactly disparage you to his ex, but actually complimented you by saying you are understanding.

What I took form "She is understanding," is that he thought you were mature enough and secure enough that an ex gf doesn't really bother you because you love and care about each other so much. Had you had this issue before and he acted this way, I could understand your frustration. However, this was the first time and so the best thing to do is to set boundaries, not crucify him.

 

Have a conversation, because it isn't always obvious to guys, about what you find to be inappropriate behavior. "I feel like it is inconsiderate that you are still in contact with your ex, that you complimented her, that she flirts with you and you reciprocate, etc." By completely going off on him and being so incensed, you are creating a dramatic situation where there really wasn't one. You weren't betrayed, save the big words for when he kisses another woman, has sex with her, drains your bank account, runs off with his personal trainer, or turns your friends and family against you. This was a mistake. Save the "betrayed" labels for really big situations.

 

If you never talk to him ever again over this (you sounds very immature in saying this btw) then you are going to have to keep dumping guys over and over again, because human beings make mistakes and can be thoughtless occasionally. No one hates cheaters more than me, but this was an inappropriate contact and comment, nothing more. Place boundaries, make sure he understands your values on this, and forgive him since he asked and is a great guy otherwise. He was obviously contrite, so either forgive him and work with him to make your relationship better or overreact and be a drama queen in every relationship you have and scare off the good guys who are healthy and well adjusted for ones who love drama.

 

Good Luck,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

BTW Littokay:

I am in my early forties with 20 years experience ( happily married) of working through issues like this and I have a lovely wife and marriage. Love is about working through your issues, not "dumping" when a perfectly wonderful guy makes a first mistake about an issue. Tolerance is a gift sometimes while in the negotiating stages of relationships. Be kind and forgive.

Best,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

LOL yeah right...if you told your old flame he looks hot and sexy in his photo, your boyfriend would not be cool with it. The OP is not overreacting.

 

Are people missing the part where this guy told this girl she looked "sexy" in her photo? really grumps, you think this is tolerable? If this is okay behavior for men, Id rather be single for the rest of my life than deal with this bullsh**

 

Wow, very dramatic Tarathehut, for the rest of your life, huh?

 

Learn to negotiate and not overreact in every situation and you can have what you want with a great guy without resentment and theatrics.

Best,

Grumps

[Littokay]

I would never tolerate this behavior from a guy. But Im in my mid 20's. I expect to date a mature person

 

OP, you should beaware few men would tolerate this behavior from their girlfriend. Im not sure why women responders here are expecting you to.

 

Hi Littokay:

Breathe. I think you are really overreacting here. BF's cannot read your mind, so make it very clear what you want or do not want. Your value system for what is appropriate for an ex could be totally different than his value system. He could believe that contact with an ex is okay because you are not engaged, living together, married, etc. I mean, who knows until you talk to him about it.

 

You said he is a great boyfriend and you have never had any reason to distrust him before, therefore do not bring insecurities from past issues with relationships into this one. What did he do to test loyalty? Give someone a compliment? Be in contact with an ex? Yes, that was inconsiderate and he probably didn't think those thngs through, yet he didn't exactly disparage you to his ex, but actually complimented you by saying you are understanding.

What I took form "She is understanding," is that he thought you were mature enough and secure enough that an ex gf doesn't really bother you because you love and care about each other so much. Had you had this issue before and he acted this way, I could understand your frustration. However, this was the first time and so the best thing to do is to set boundaries, not crucify him.

 

Have a conversation, because it isn't always obvious to guys, about what you find to be inappropriate behavior. "I feel like it is inconsiderate that you are still in contact with your ex, that you complimented her, that she flirts with you and you reciprocate, etc." By completely going off on him and being so incensed, you are creating a dramatic situation where there really wasn't one. You weren't betrayed, save the big words for when he kisses another woman, has sex with her, drains your bank account, runs off with his personal trainer, or turns your friends and family against you. This was a mistake. Save the "betrayed" labels for really big situations.

 

If you never talk to him ever again over this (you sounds very immature in saying this btw) then you are going to have to keep dumping guys over and over again, because human beings make mistakes and can be thoughtless occasionally. No one hates cheaters more than me, but this was an inappropriate contact and comment, nothing more. Place boundaries, make sure he understands your values on this, and forgive him since he asked and is a great guy otherwise. He was obviously contrite, so either forgive him and work with him to make your relationship better or overreact and be a drama queen in every relationship you have and scare off the good guys who are healthy and well adjusted for ones who love drama.

 

Good Luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks for the reality check I guess...But for the record, I never said I was never going to talk to him again.

 

Problem is we kind of HAVE had this discussion before. Not because one of us has done something wrong, but we have definitely agreed in the past that neither of us finds flirting outside of the relationship acceptable. Some people are comfortable with that, but (we both) made it clear that we are not. I'm 22 and he's 23 and we like to go out a lot, so we both made it clear that flirting when the other isn't around isn't okay.

[Littokay]

LOL yeah right...if you told your old flame he looks hot and sexy in his photo, your boyfriend would not be cool with it. The OP is not overreacting.

 

Are people missing the part where this guy told this girl she looked "sexy" in her photo? really grumps, you think this is tolerable? If this is okay behavior for men, Id rather be single for the rest of my life than deal with this bullsh**

 

Seriously, this is the part that really grosses me out. If he hadn't called her sexy I could easily dismiss the rest as innocuous enough as long as he promised not to open that door any further...but calling her sexy just really, really weighs on my mind. I would NEVER do something like this to him.

[Grumpybutfun]

Perhaps you should give the same advice to men who post here about women who do similar things. They have very different reactions than the women responding to this thread. I take respect seriously in a relationship. Doesn't mean I am dramatic.

 

I do give them the same advice. I do not share the misogyny I see here, and my advice is sound, and not biased on the OP being a woman. I actually am very honest but fair with both sexes.

 

Negotiation, communication and forgiveness isn't being a doormat on someone's first inconsiderate offense.

 

Best,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks for the reality check I guess...But for the record, I never said I was never going to talk to him again.

 

Littokay:

My mistake, I apologize. You are absolutely correct...I read that part about him saying he would never talk to her again.

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Problem is we kind of HAVE had this discussion before. Not because one of us has done something wrong, but we have definitely agreed in the past that neither of us finds flirting outside of the relationship acceptable. Some people are comfortable with that, but (we both) made it clear that we are not. I'm 22 and he's 23 and we like to go out a lot, so we both made it clear that flirting when the other isn't around isn't okay.

 

Littokay:

It is good you communicated that and that is something you have to consider. Does he listen? Does he take your discussions on boundaries seriously? Only you can answer that and feel good with whatever decision works for both of you.

The first two years of any relationship is about boundary placement and working out "relationship dealbreakers." Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a few tries to get anything right. Only you can decide if he is sincere or if he is a player who just wants many women interested in him.

Best,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

The "catching up" part didn't bother me. Some guys occasionally talk to their exes and that doesn't bother me. What bothered me is where you

 

1) said they reminisced about their past together

2) he called her sexy.

 

That is what is shady to me. He sounds immature. Then again, a lot of 23year old men act more like teenagers.

 

Im not saying you should dump him- never said that. I said I wouldn't tolerate this behavior and I don't think you are overreacting.

 

If he said he doesn't believe in flirting outside of a Relationship like you said and then he did this...I wouldn't trust him as much. But then again, I don't date super flirtacious guys. I have found over and over again, maintaining good boundaries is too difficult for them.

 

I agree, he sounds very immature, but then when I read 23, I understood that life experience is not something you can take for granted in a 23 year old.

 

I will say that men and women are different in how we process things. This is something that as soon as my wife learned it, she was able to fix an issue or make me see her reasoning very quickly. If you are controlled and logical and tell men that this is what I expect and what I will not tolerate, it is much more effective than crying, overreacting and making everything really exaggerated.

 

My wife would do something like this,

 

"BF, I think we need to talk about expectations in order for us to have a good relationship. My feelings were hurt and I felt disrespected because you not only flirted with your ex by talking about how sexy she appeared, but you also set up plans with someone whom you were flirting with. This is not acceptable behavior and I expect more from you in the future. Do you have anything to say concerning this?"

 

Look, this advice is hard won and so I am sharing it with you so you can not make the same mistakes we did in the formative years of our relationship.

 

I truly like women and hope you will give my words a chance without thinking I have some ulterior motive as a man to do harm here.

 

Grumps