My gf was raped, but I feel it was partially her fault and I am devastated by this

[SmokeyJay]

Some history on the relationship, I am 28 and so is she. We have been together for nearly 11 months and we are very close and in love(or so I thought?). This is pretty much the most serious relationship either of us have had.

 

Before I go any further I want to clarify that this is not the type of post most people are thinking it will be. I know sometimes when a woman is raped the boyfriend might blame her for it, saying she was dressed "too slutty" or something. That isn't the case at all. What happened is my gf was out with some of her friends and she ended up getting very very drunk, which is not something she normally does. She ended up making out with a guy a bit, it was some bar and I guess they stepped out into the alley behind it or something.

 

This is when she realized what a horrible mistake she was making and immediately stopped kissing the guy and she tried to leave and go back in but he wasn't taking no for an answer. He raped her, but not fully since he never got to finish because she was crying and hitting. He even hit her too after she scratched him, she has sort of a black eye from this.

 

I feel like I am a terrible person because I am completely devastated this happened to her while at the same time I also can't help but feeling this is partially her fault, if she never began cheating and kissing him in the first place this NEVER would of happened. My heart breaks because I am not just dealing with the pain of her cheating. On top of that, like I said, I am so hurt for what happened to her because she didn't deserve it one bit. Then on top of that, I also feel so terrible that I have these feelings of partially blaming her for this. What makes it worst is in the past I dated a girl who lied to me about being raped so I guess maybe that is also clouding my judgement.

 

I just do not know where to go from here. I feel like if all that has happened was a drunken kiss I could of maybe moved past it with time, but I just don't know what to do. The worst part is she is also devastated by what happened and that she cheated and she wants me to be open and honest with her about my feelings and obviously how can I tell her I partially blame her? Then I see her and I see the black eye and I just feel even more devastated and guilty.

 

If anyone is interested about the man who did this, he WAS arrested and it turns out this wasn't the first time he'd raped someone..but for some reason at the moment that just doesn't make me feel better.

 

Am I terrible for this? Ladies out there: if you were in the same situation and your bf explained to you he was feeling the way I am..how would you react?

[Eivuwan]

I understand why you feel so conflicted. On the one hand, rape is never a woman's fault. On the other hand, her cheating on you is separate from the rape. I think you need to realize that the two are separate. Considering how traumatized she is, now is probably not the best time to tell her your feelings. How much do you care about her? Can you overlook the cheating?

[KatZee]

Being raped is NEVER the victims fault. Not even A LITTLE BIT. And the fact that you think it's partly her fault is quite alarming.

 

Did she get drunk? Yes. Did she wind up cheating on you by making out? Yes. Does that mean she should get raped? NO.

 

She was fighting this guy. She was attacked by this guy. This guy forced himself onto her. None of this was her fault. This guy was an animal and instead of backing off when she said "NO" he forced himself on her.

 

No mentally stable, rational, and decent human being forces themselves on ANYONE and those who do are CRIMINALS and are RAPISTS.

 

It doesn't matter how a person is dressed. It doesn't matter how much a person drinks. It doesn't matter if people are making out. If the woman does NOT want to go further and says NO then that means STOP. It doesn't mean she's playing hard to get, or being a tease, or whatever else idiot guys like to believe.

 

NO is NO. Period.

[Balzac]

11 months is still in the early rush of desire. There is plenty of pain to go around here. Your feelings are what they are and you've in pain too.

I'll be the naysayer here and tell you that I'd call this romance over.

 

I feel for you because extra extricating yourself won't be fun.

[Keenly]

Being raped is never some ones fault, but you will never ever ever get women to admit that they do have to actually be responsible for the situations they put themselves in sometimes.

 

 

For example... a woman walking through downtown Oakland in a bikini at 3 am... and your telling me she bears absolutely no responsibility ?

 

 

Is it her fault ? Absolutely not. Could she have prevented herself from being in that situation ? Absolutely .

 

 

Just be careful ladies. You need to protect yourselves and be vigilant.

[Criticality]

While it wasn't even partially her fault that she got raped, what WAS her fault was that she made out with him and cheated on you.

 

The rape is a seperate issue.

(Would she have gotten raped if she hadn't made out with him? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't really matter though. She wouldn't have gotten raped either if she had chosen a different bar that night. Neither makes her even partially responsible.)

 

You need to seperate the two, and figure out whether you're willing to forgive the initial betrayal as just a mistake or not.

 

If you are, you two can together start dealing with the rape. Therapy, individual couselling as well as couples therapy, will help.

 

If you can't forgive that initial betrayal, wait a month or two and quietly break up with her. Don't bring the rape into it, in fact don't even mention that you can't forgive her infidelity. It'll just serve to mix the rape and your relationship into one big dysfunctional mess for her, possibly making her believe that the rape was somehow her fault. She doesn't deserve that.

 

If you don't seperate the two issues here, I'm afraid it'll slowly poison your relationship.

[Eivuwan]

Being raped is never some ones fault, but you will never ever ever get women to admit that they do have to actually be responsible for the situations they put themselves in sometimes.

 

 

For example... a woman walking through downtown Oakland in a bikini at 3 am... and your telling me she bears absolutely no responsibility ?

 

 

Is it her fault ? Absolutely not. Could she have prevented herself from being in that situation ? Absolutely .

 

 

Just be careful ladies. You need to protect yourselves and be vigilant.

 

most rapes are conducted by friends, lovers, acquaintances... you have to be pretty paranoid to protect yourself 100%

[Keenly]

most rapes are conducted by friends, lovers, acquaintances... you have to be pretty paranoid to protect yourself 100%

 

Color me paranoid then. I live in one of the lowest crime rate areas in the country. We had 1 reported violent crime last year. And you know what? I'm constantly on the lookout for a would be mugger, potential car thief etc. Your personal safety should always be your number one priority. Especially if your alone. And especially if you are a woman.

[lindsay1990]

Being raped is never some ones fault, but you will never ever ever get women to admit that they do have to actually be responsible for the situations they put themselves in sometimes.

 

 

For example... a woman walking through downtown Oakland in a bikini at 3 am... and your telling me she bears absolutely no responsibility ?

 

..

Just be careful ladies. You need to protect yourselves and be vigilant.

 

 

Exactly. She has exactly ZERO responsibility. Would you say a man stumbling drunk through the Castro in nothing but board shorts at 3 am also has some share of responsibility?

 

I had heard of people thinking this but honestly thought it was an urban myth, but now I see it's a real thing.

 

You? Just be safe and let's hope you never fall victim to a brutal crime and get told you could have prevented it. NO ONE has the final say in the actions of another human except the human who does the action and the only person responsible for anything is the perp.

[Keenly]

Exactly. She has exactly ZERO responsibility. Would you say a man stumbling drunk through the Castro in nothing but board shorts at 3 am also has some share of responsibility?

 

I had heard of people thinking this but honestly thought it was an urban myth, but now I see it's a real thing.

 

You? Just be safe and let's hope you never fall victim to a brutal crime and get told you could have prevented it. NO ONE has the final say in the actions of another human except the human who does the action and the only person responsible for anything is the perp.

 

Lack of personal responsibility.

 

If I leave a 75 thousand dollar car downtown unlocked with the windows down and it gets stolen, I bear absolutely no fault?

 

There comes a point where a person has to acknowledge the world that they live in, and react accordingly. You can't stroll through life with a carefree "nothing bad will ever happen to me" attitude and not expect SOME one, SOME where, to scam you, rob you, attack you, exploit you, black mail you, etc. People are pretty frickin evil, and its no one else's job but your own to protect yourself.

 

 

I knew it wasn't long before my post was completely misunderstood or taken out of context though.

[Eivuwan]

Color me paranoid then. I live in one of the lowest crime rate areas in the country. We had 1 reported violent crime last year. And you know what? I'm constantly on the lookout for a would be mugger, potential car thief etc. Your personal safety should always be your number one priority. Especially if your alone. And especially if you are a woman.

 

yup that sounds pretty paranoid. you can also die from a car accident or a branch falling on your head... can't protect yourself 100%. at what point is it unreasonable? I think most people want to be able to trust their friends, lovers, and acquaintances.

[Keenly]

yup that sounds pretty paranoid. you can also die from a car accident or a branch falling on your head... can't protect yourself 100%. at what point is it unreasonable? I think most people want to be able to trust their friends, lovers, and acquaintances.

 

One persons paranoia is another persons due diligence.

[lindsay1990]

Lack of personal responsibility.

 

If I leave a 75 thousand dollar car downtown unlocked with the windows down and it gets stolen, I bear absolutely no fault?

 

 

Actually, yes. This is exactly what I'm saying. This is why the car thief will not get his sentence reduced because the car was unlocked and windows down with key in the ignition.

 

With all due respect, I fail to see how I am "misundertanding or taking out of context your post". It just scares me and I beg to differ, and again hope you arennever a victim of any sort.

[lindsay1990]

One persons paranoia is another persons due diligence.

 

Not according to the law. And there is no such thing as due diligence or any similar concept in criminal law. "Due diligence" is a notion exclusive to contract law and eveeeeentually some whacky torts where someone could have contributed negligently. These are all monetary issues thay are valued and paid for in money, they can be quantified all these offenses.

 

WORLDS apart from the context of criminal law and absolutely unrelated. Just to insist: criminal law admits NO considerations of negligence (lack of diligence) EVER when it comes to victims of crime.

 

And this isn't just my opinion. Its the entire anglosaxon common law view as well as that of all western civil law systems.

 

Edit: the only close example of this would be when the "victim" is hurt while in the commision of a crime, fornexample, if you get shot by a security guard while trespassing or robbing a bank. And even in these cases, it is considered that the person decided to risk to risk it, and to risk it breaking the law, not risking it period.

 

One could argue then, well what if she was drinking underage and broke the law? Worry not, laws and jurisprudence is not entirely written by morons and there are obvious provisions that consider the severity of the law. But these cases are few and far between, the rule remains: a perp is a perp and the victim is the victim, and each is treated fully as such. Besides, lastni checked, making bad decisions and having poor judgement in detriment of yourself is not an offense against the criminal law.

 

Fortuntely, the law doesn't exist to teach risky people a lesson but to deter and put away the criminals so so far, victims still carry zero blame on this side of Earth.

Edited November 8, 2013 by lindsay1990

[OpheliaSong]

Don't let your anger at her cheating color the trauma of her rape...it is never the victim's fault and nothing she does, or does not do should be considered in a crime like this.

[nescafe1982]

Lack of personal responsibility.

 

If I leave a 75 thousand dollar car downtown unlocked with the windows down and it gets stolen, I bear absolutely no fault?

 

A woman's body is a far, far cry from a piece of property, Keenly. And assaulting a woman is a much, much more offensive crime than theft.

 

And of course, women also stand a much greater chance, statistically speaking, of being sexually assaulted than they do of having their car stolen. One in five, last time I heard.

 

A woman can be raped at any time. Vigilance, paranoia, whatever you want to call it, does a minimal amount of reducing one's risk. Most women who are raped are not engaging in what you might call "risky behaviors." Not that it matters anyway... no amount of risky behavior sanctions sexual assault. I can't believe that people still have to explain this to many men (and even some women).

 

Anyway, back to the OP, because their problem truly is worth talking about: OP, I feel badly for you because your feelings are completely understandable (even if saying "maybe she deserved it" is a piss-poor way of putting it). Your GF was cheating on you, and in the midst of that act, she was brutally assaulted. So what are you supposed to feel? Sorry for her? Angry on your own behalf? I think the whole mess of what you're feeling is completely normal.

 

Are you going to stay with her? She probably needs you, even though her cheating says she doesn't deserve your support. If you are going to stay for now (whether as a BF or an "ex"), you might hold on telling her exactly how you feel about her cheating until she processes what the hell just happened to her. Now, it's not fair to put your feelings on hold, but if you care about her and want to help her, this is what you'll have to do. For now.... just for now.

 

Get her into some counseling. Be a friend. And in time, you will have to figure out what you want to do about the relationship: will you stay or will you go? But if I were in your shoes, I might delay making that choice until I've had some time to process all of this. That said, if you can't stomach being around her... if you're so angry about the cheating that you honestly think "yeah, maybe she deserved it" (not saying you do, just IF you do), then assert some distance for both of your sakes.

 

She needs support right now. You may or may not be able to give it to her... and I think given the circumstances, no one can blame you for feeling up to the task, or not. Your call, basically.

 

Good luck... sounds like an awful situation.

[Keenly]

The issue you should be having is:

 

1) Why was she kissing another guy?

2) Why did she go in the alley with him in the place?

 

Yes, feel bad for her about the rape, but the fact is that she DID cheat on you.

 

Are you sure she was genuinely raped? Or is it possible that she made it up to divert attention from the cheating?

 

 

I am not making this story up. It is 100% genuine and happened to me.

 

My ex was mad at me one night , so she met up with some dudes and they went camping. She banged one, and before I even ever found out about she came to me about this and when she told me she went with them I got mad, to which she responded with "well I got what I deserved, I was raped"

 

Hit me pretty hard, because I felt like I couldn't protect her.

 

Turns out she wasn't raped. She planned to bang that guy, and is actually with him today.

 

 

Long story short, some women will lie about such a horrible thing. So just make sure you include that into your thought process.

 

OP, i guess my advice would be just try and comfort her for now, and then figure out what YOU are going to do once the smoke clears.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am not making this story up. It is 100% genuine and happened to me.

 

My ex was mad at me one night , so she met up with some dudes and they went camping. She banged one, and before I even ever found out about she came to me about this and when she told me she went with them I got mad, to which she responded with "well I got what I deserved, I was raped"

 

Hit me pretty hard, because I felt like I couldn't protect her.

 

Turns out she wasn't raped. She planned to bang that guy, and is actually with him today.

 

 

Long story short, some women will lie about such a horrible thing. So just make sure you include that into your thought process.

 

OP, i guess my advice would be just try and comfort her for now, and then figure out what YOU are going to do once the smoke clears.

 

Keenly:

This is terrible, no wonder you are so skeptical about women. I hope you dumped her right then and there, that is an unpardonable lie.

 

If I was a woman, I would be especially angry about stuff like this because it raises doubt for real victims who are treated like liars because of people like your ex. Unbelievable.

Grumps

[man_in_the_box]

Tough story bro - I think you need to get your head clear on a couple of things and then proceed with some steps:

 

1. Ignore the gender bashers in this thread - they're either going to tell you the cheating doesn't matter because of the rape or downplay the rape because she cheated with this guy. Both approaches are completely flawed.

 

2. I agree with everyone that you should absolutely do your best to separate the cheating from the rape. They are different happenings and should be treated as such. Think about it, if a girl was single and then made out with some guy who subsequently raped her (violently!), that's completely wrong and full responsibility of the man in question right? Then why does it matter if the girl in question was cheating on her boyfriend when considering the rape? They are absolutely two different things and it is very unhealthy to blameshift the rape victim.

 

3. For the time being - just help your girlfriend out. Rape is a very serious offense and can leave lifelong trauma's - it requires a lot of good care to help these people. Make sure the perpetrator gets prosecuted (is there evidence, witnesses?) and hopefully get locked up for a loooong time. Ensure that your girlfriend has people around her who can help her deal with what happened to her. Parents, friends, professionals, I don't know - convince her the importance of dealing with this trauma instead of pushing it away.

 

4. If you have fixed above then you can decide for yourself whether you want to reconciliate or dump her. Many people have stressed that the cheating is not a justification of the rape - but it goes two ways. The rape is also not a justification for the cheating. And it's up to you whether you want to stay in a relationship with her. Just because terrible things happen to people doesn't mean they are suddenly relieved of all their own wrongdoings. You are not obligated to pretend the cheating never happened.

 

Best of luck!

[Socalidude20]

Well you certainly didn't deserve to be cheated on. So I understand how you feel. At the same time I don't think it's proper you explain this since she went through being raped and all. It's a rough situation. I'm really sorry.

[lollipopspot]

Are you sure she was genuinely raped? Or is it possible that she made it up to divert attention from the cheating?

 

Umm, she has a black eye.

 

But maybe she rammed her fist in her own eye to divert attention from the cheating.

[Keenly]

You can tell her like : you are mad that she got drunk,mad that she went with a stranger and kissed him. but you are mad also that he raped her.and he had no rigth to do that!

 

Its such a hard emotional combination to deal with.

 

You are mad at her because she betrayed you, and disrespected your relationship. You think "what was she thinking, how could she do that to me?"

 

But you are also thinking that you are her boyfriend and you were supposed to protect her, and keep her safe. You were supposed to be a good enough boyfriend that she wouldn't want to cheat and end up in this situation so you can almost convince yourself it was your fault that bad things happened to a girl you really care about.

 

But you have to try and not let your emotions cloud your judgement of your surroundings.

[Grumpybutfun]

If anyone is interested about the man who did this, he WAS arrested and it turns out this wasn't the first time he'd raped someone..but for some reason at the moment that just doesn't make me feel better.

 

 

If this is fact, then it does give her story validity that she was actually raped, and this guy sounds like a repeat offender. This is a terrible situation. I can imagine she feels a lot of guilt correlating with her own behavior cheating and then getting raped. What does she say to you about it?

Grumps

[Ninjainpajamas]

The truth is, you cannot trust the word alone of a nearly blacked-out drunk woman and start throwing guys in jail for rape over it when it might have actually been consensual.

 

There are women out there unfortunately who would lie about something that is tragic and devastating to a true victim, in order to escape responsibility and accountability...I've seen the extent some women will go in order to blame-shift sadly enough. I've seen men wrongfully accused of behavior they did not even commit...the woman was just so drunk, delusional and psychotic that her "memory" while being plastered was so far from the reality that she actually thought those events actually occurred when everyone was there and able never witnessed anything but to the contrary.

 

It's scary...it's scary for women and scary for men, I would never engage in a sexual act with an intoxicated woman because she might scream bloody murder and rape, let alone that it's a complete turn-off to me and something I've turned down multiple times in my life...you just never know, once a woman screams rape, the cops could bust open your front door and haul you to jail...her black eye from a cat fight with another girl or from stumbling off the table when she got up there screaming "woooo" and it tipped over and she nailed her eye with the corner of the table as it flipped to the side...you really just never know.

 

But this woman put herself in a really bad situation....she got black-out drunk, she ended up in some mysterious alley where nobody could hear nor see her being raped and fighting for her life...she just happened to realize at some point...who's to say at what point that she was doing something terribly wrong and inappropriate.

 

This guy has got a record, she's got a black eye, if she's got some scratches on him it seems pretty apparent that it was likely he had raped her....but do you want to be that person judging what happened? will anyone really know for sure what happened other than them two?

 

At any rate, she clearly cheated on you...she was clearly inappropriate, your only option if you wish to stay with her is to be supportive, she's got to talk about things and communicate...but it begs the question, does this woman have any issues that would lead her to being in that kind of a situation in the first place? I can't say her behavior was the best it could be, it doesn't justify a rape, but for the sake of the relationship, what was occurring, what was her prior behavior like and is there a pattern? what issues does she have?

 

You'll have to go from there, unfortunately I don't think her cheating is going to get addressed, she was possibly and even likely raped, that's really going to take precedence over the situation...if it's not something you can cope with....get some space, let her get some therapy...you both got your work cut out for you if you wish to continue the relationship...and that's the real question for you at this point.

[youaremysunshine]

I think we are over looking the fact that the man she kissed is a RAPIST!

 

He was probably highly agressive and manipulative in seducing her. Doesn't seem like the type to take it slow and respect her boundaries. He probably came on strong and pressured her. Thing can happen so fast when you are more intoxicated than you can handle.

 

I really doubt she approached him and was 100% making informed, assertive choices in that situation. He's a rapist and probably knows how to play drunk girls. I mean I'm guessing going out into the alley wasn't her idea.