My gf was raped, but I feel it was partially her fault and I am devastated by this

[Criticality]

Umm, she has a black eye.

 

But maybe she rammed her fist in her own eye to divert attention from the cheating.

 

Hey, it's a legitimate question. Whenever you read about women falsely reporting a rape (how often or rare this is, is beside the point. It happens.) there's usually a boyfriend and an "accidental" case of unfaithfulness behind it.

 

As for how much of the blame lies with her, ever since feminists have tried to coop rape, that's a question where the answer is mostly dependent on where you stand on issues of gender politics, and is probably better suited for a seperate, general thread...

[youaremysunshine]

I doubt he was a perfect gentleman up until the point he was denied sex. The guy is repeat offender. He's a predator and your girlfriend was his prey.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think we are over looking the fact that the man she kissed is a RAPIST!

 

He was probably highly agressive and manipulative in seducing her. Doesn't seem like the type to take it slow and respect her boundaries. He probably came on strong and pressured her. Thing can happen so fast when you are more intoxicated than you can handle.

 

I really doubt she approached him and was 100% making informed, assertive choices in that situation. He's a rapist and probably knows how to play drunk girls. I mean I'm guessing going out into the alley wasn't her idea.

 

Leave it up to the detectives on the case to determine whether it was a rape and where she received the black eye from, that's not our job nor do we have the information or facts to call him a rapist...if you want trial by village then visit your nearest third-world country.

 

You're speculating on his behavior in order to support your emotional and accusatory presumption that this man acted out in a highly obvious and violent way whom did not respect her boundaries while disregarding any behavior this woman was engaging in herself that lead up to these moments...you're making it sound like she was beamed into the alley via UFO with some strange man groping and fondling her, out of mind and out of public sight, only to be stopped at intercourse in which the whole altercation started.

 

Nobody makes absolute informed and competent decisions in life, let alone while black-out drunk, why are you so eager to validate her side of the story and assume she was a complete victim? You realize she just suddenly "came to" at the exact moment when she is claiming she was violated, but everything else is a blur or what? doesn't that sound a little fishy to you?

 

It doesn't take a rapist to figure out how to play drunk girls, in fact they are quite aggressive themselves....I've had plenty of women hit on me in my lifetime while hammered, it would have taken the slightest effort to make something happen yet that somehow is my responsibility to control their behavior and every other mans...I guess we should just treat intoxicated women like children and pretend to be their fathers.

[youaremysunshine]

What? Many, many women in relationships countinue to see their friends and go out while in relationships. I really can't think of anything more depressing than locking myself away from the world because I'm dating someone. The OP says she rarely drinks so getting so intoxicated was likely a mistake, being unable to judge her limits.

 

 

And um, it sounds like you were in a situation just like this girl, intoxicated and with a crazy person agressively trying to have sex with you, not respecting your boundries. Now if that woman punched you in the eye and grabbed your dick would you have been a cheater?

[youaremysunshine]

I'm not saying he beamed her into an alley at all. I'm saying he's a predator.

 

Repeat offender Rapists are not normal well adjusted men who are completely respectful untill they are denied sex and fly into a rage.

 

They are sociopaths that get off on dominating and violating women.

 

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING

[youaremysunshine]

Personally I think it's insulting to men to say the type of man who would punch a woman who won't **** him is just an average bloke and not a sicko.

[man_in_the_box]

You're missing the point - she flirted/made out with him WAY before the actual rape occured. We have no further information on whether that was consensual or not but considering that it probably happened in a busy place and I have a hard time imagining "non-consensual flirting/kissing" it seems logical that that part happened completely by her choice - drunk or not. It doesn't matter that he approached 'agressive', you don't have to flirt/make out with him.

 

Don't pretend that the rape already started at 'hi'.

[youaremysunshine]

Oh I'm sure he was a perfect gentleman.

 

Or picked her off because she was drunk and an easy target.

 

He knew what he wanted by "Hi" and was willing to do whatever is took, manipulation, pressure... Every thing up to and including physical violence.

 

I'm not saying she didn't make bad desicions but clearly she was in over her head with this guy

Edited November 8, 2013 by youaremysunshine

[man_in_the_box]

You're just assuming all of that. For all we know he behaved perfectly normal until he was denied sex. The point is: you DON'T know and untill you do it's wrong to make a bunch of unbased assumptions.

[youaremysunshine]

It is true that I don't know what happened that night.

 

I have studied about the type of men who rape, and the fact is the majority of rapes are committed by a minority of men, who violate women habitually (the op says this man is already facing rape charges steming from another incident)

 

Rapists are not normal, healthy people. They are criminals.

[Kate9292]

You know what? It's not about YOU and how YOU feel.

 

You're truly a POS. This is not something for YOU to get over. But you are making it about YOU.

 

And you're 28....your post sounds like you're 18.

 

Do her a favor and just leave her alone. If you can't get over yourself enough to truly be of support to her (and as long as you're thinking about "cheating" and how awful you feel), she'd be better off alone. And while you're gone, grow up before you inflict yourself on another female.

 

A pure d-bag.

 

Yeah.

 

So what she made out with some guy? How does some drunk kissing compare to brutal forced sex which will most likely traumatize her for life?

 

You should overlook kissing incident and support your gf through this dark times. If not, leave her and let her find somebody who is right for her.

[Keenly]

Yeah.

 

So what she made out with some guy? How does some drunk kissing compare to brutal forced sex which will most likely traumatize her for life?

 

You should overlook kissing incident and support your gf through this dark times. If not, leave her and let her find somebody who is right for her.

It doesn't "compare" its just part of the situation.

 

 

Step 1, Her safety and comfort and emotional well being

 

step 2 , confront infidelity and why she thought it was okay to kiss another man.

[man_in_the_box]

It is true that I don't know what happened that night.

 

I have studied about the type of men who rape, and the fact is the majority of rapes are committed by a minority of men, who violate women habitually (the op says this man is already facing rape charges steming from another incident)

 

Rapists are not normal, healthy people. They are criminals.

 

I see - I missed the repeat offender part in the OP - sorry about that.

 

But what you're doing is the same flawed analogy as the OP but than reversed. You're connecting the flirting/cheating with the rape as if they're one thing by itself. You assume that the OP's girlfriend was not in control when she flirted/made out with this guy because of his charmes, alcohol, his persuasion or whatever. But that's what I think is exactly the problem in your analogy - that part was absolutely on her responsibility. Booze or not, pervasive stranger or not, clouded judgement or, they are not excuses for cheating on your partner no matter how you twist and turn it.

 

You aren't seriously trying to justify that anyone who drank too much and somehow ends up cheating with someone should be excused because of alcohol?

[youaremysunshine]

No no no, alchol is not an excuse, nor is she innocent.

 

But I think that the fact that this guy is a violent criminal who preys on women should be taken into consideration.

 

As for the stuff about women in relationships not going to bars... All I can say is I hope you never go out with your friends. Why don't you have a spa day buddy?!

 

Her friends should have been watching out for her and she made a mistake drinking so much.

[youaremysunshine]

The OP says his girlfriend just steped out behind the bar, not his house.

 

It's as easy as "I need a smoke" or "let's get some air"

[lollipopspot]

There is not a woman on here who if their BF went to bar, left with the girl, cheated and knocked her up...

 

This isn't the level of cheating we're talking about - the woman was trying NOT to have sex with him - that's why she ended up with a black eye.

[Kate9292]

It doesn't "compare" its just part of the situation.

 

 

Step 1, Her safety and comfort and emotional well being

 

step 2 , confront infidelity and why she thought it was okay to kiss another man.

 

But it's separate part that doesn't justify rape in any form.

 

Glad that you agree he should work on providing her with safety, comfort and emotional well being as well as he can. But if he actually works on it, he may find that kissing incident is completely irrelevant and he just wants to be with her

 

At least that's how I like to think it would end.

[youaremysunshine]

Huh? He could be an actor or athlete or millionaire. Thoes things are not mutually exclusive with rapist. Rapist are not drooling savages hiding in bushes, not is a person sinster intentions clearly apparent. It sound like he was mr. Swauve. She got played by a sick guy who know how to manipulate women. it's not as though she didn't eff up, but the OP might want to be understanding given she has a run in with a sociopath.

 

Unless visiting bars violates some golden tenant of their relationship, she isn't in the wrong going.

[man_in_the_box]

But I think that the fact that this guy is a violent criminal who preys on women should be taken into consideration.

 

There would have to be some solid evidence that he somehow forced her to flirt/make-out and subsequently leave the place with this guy. I just don't buy that this guy was capable of influencing her that much that she no longer had control over what she was doing. The loss of control happened outside when he forced himself upon her.

[youaremysunshine]

Where the hell do you live? You cannot smoke in or near the entrance of any building in Canada

[youaremysunshine]

I'm not saying she was forced, just at pressure/manipulation/intimidation could be a factor.

 

 

guess it's up to the OP, does she seem like she would cheat in a situatation where the guy was not a predator? Would she ever do it again?

Edited November 8, 2013 by youaremysunshine

[KatZee]

you will never ever ever get women to admit that they do have to actually be responsible for the situations they put themselves in sometimes.

 

Do you actually ever speak to women? I'm serious. I don't know ONE woman in my circle of friends, or in my life that completely disregards responsibility for their personal safety. It's called being smart, and aware of your surroundings, and not being drunk alone, not going with people you don't know. Women don't have SUCH a huge ego that "we will never ever ever admit that we do actually have to be responsible for situations we put ourselves in." That's just asinine.

 

Do some women act recklessly, and are some naive and trustful of strangers? Do some women put themselves in bad situations? YES. But this is NOT the majority and not something the rest of us avoid or fail to see.

[KatZee]

I am sorry, even though the rape is horrifying and tragic... That doesn't cancel out the she left with the guy and cheated.

 

I think we can pretty much drop the cheating aspect of this thing in the context of this story.

 

The cheating has absolutely NO BEARING on the more serious aspect here, which is SHE WAS RAPED.

 

Lets put the fact that she's a cheater aside for a minute. Flirting, making out with, or otherwise acting interested in someone, DOES NOT MEAN IT'S A GREEN LIGHT TO RAPE YOU.

 

Maybe she got caught up in the moment and made a bad choice this once, maybe her and the OP are going through rough times, maybe she's just a cheater, no one knows WHAT was going on in the relationship, or WHAT was going on in her mind at that moment.

 

Either way, she kissed him and DID NOT WANT TO TAKE IT FURTHER. Did she kiss a guy? Yes. But this was no thought out or planned affair, it wasn't full out sex, SHE STOPPED IT. She wanted it to stop. She did not want to proceed.

 

Again, NO IS NO. She kissed this guy, realized it was wrong, she didn't want to be doing this... she didn't lie about being raped, she didn't make up a story to deflect it or use it as a bid for attention or pity, she was LEGITIMATELY ATTACKED when she DID NOT WANT TO ENGAGE WITH THIS PERSON.

[KatZee]

most of them get drunk even strange guys, but they don't care as long as he's hawt and muscular. rape isn't their fault but poor judgement of getting drunk and making fun of men who don't drink is. i choose not to have an alcoholic drink some of the time and i can't even count how many females have mocked me for it.

 

Oh so, women who make fun of guys who don't get drunk is poor judgment that leads them to being raped?

 

I don't know why you're inserting your own personal vendetta against women who make fun of you. I know tons of guys who choose not to drink and I've never witnessed anyone "mocking" them.

 

People drink. People get drunk. People have fun. That's life. The key to this is BE SMART. Be aware. Have a buddy with you always. Don't go anywhere with a stranger alone. Most people don't go out for a fun night with the mentality of, "I need to watch out for rapists!" It should just always be a conscious effort that needs to be made to protect your personal safety, regardless of whatever situation you're in. In a bar, walking home, going to the bank... these things happen ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, and to ANYONE. Not just a drunk or "slutty" girl. Because even if you DO wind up doing everything "right" there is still a chance of being targeted by a criminal.

[KatZee]

the cheating part of it was her fault, stop making excuses for that. she cheated.

 

I'm not sure you actually read my comment. No where did I "excuse" her cheating. I said, DROP THE CHEATING in the context of this story. The more important part is that she was raped. Everyone is splitting hairs and harping on the "oh she cheated! oh she cheated!"

 

Did she make out with a guy? Yup. But it still is no excuse for attempted assault.