My gf was raped, but I feel it was partially her fault and I am devastated by this

[SmokeyJay]

Ok so I did expect this topic to get some heat, I had a very hard time deciding whether or not to even post it. I do feel like crap over this and the funny thing is(well, I guess not actually funny) that I was hurt over what she did, but I didn't cry..but I cried my eyes out at the feelings of guilt for blaming her. It hurts to see her bruised face. I find myself overcome with feelings of wanting to kill the man who did this to her.

 

I wanted to say that I tried to read through most of the comments and I did want to answer a few things: some people were saying that she fell prey to this rapist, but that does not seem to be the case. I was very up front with her and told her I needed to know 100% if ANYTHING was forced or if yeah she did let it get too far of her own free will. She admitted that yes, it happened. The guy had not been what people are calling a "perfect gentlemen" but he was also not acting all sleazy either. She admitted she felt no danger or pressure until she decided to stop it, that is when things got out of hand.

 

At this point I am not sure on what I will do. I did talk to her and I did tell her about how I felt and she did cry and she did say it does hurt her but she also said she understands why I would feel this way and she feels worse about the pain this has caused me and that it is hard for her because she is also very traumatized by what happened.

 

I feel like I am in an endless loop of feeling worse and worse. I feel bad for feeling the way I do and then she feels bad for causing me that pain..but then I feel I shouldn't feel this way and then I feel worse because she is feeling bad over me feeling bad for something I feel I shouldn't. Hell just typing out that sentence has my head spinning and then I feel stupid for compounding all this guilt. I'm devastated because I know even if I do not stay with this girl I will never get over her and I feel I will never be able to be with anyone again..and then just thinking about that makes me feel very angry at her all over again.

[nescafe1982]

SmokeyJay, I can't say I've been in a situation such as yours. But I can say that the way you're responding sounds completely reasonable and normal, even if it feels crazy-making to be on the inside of it.

 

I hope the best possible outcome for you, whatever that looks like for you. Just give yourself time to process all of this, and don't feel any pressure to rush into a decision re: the relationship if you need time.

 

I guess I just want to say that if I were in your shoes, I would try to be patient with myself. Emotions and stuff are going to be running you in circles for a while... if at all possible, avoid condemning yourself or feeling guilty for any of the negative emotions that might come up.

[tom670]

SmokeyJay, I can't say I've been in a situation such as yours. But I can say that the way you're responding sounds completely reasonable and normal, even if it feels crazy-making to be on the inside of it.

 

I hope the best possible outcome for you, whatever that looks like for you. Just give yourself time to process all of this, and don't feel any pressure to rush into a decision re: the relationship if you need time.

 

I guess I just want to say that if I were in your shoes, I would try to be patient with myself. Emotions and stuff are going to be running you in circles for a while... if at all possible, avoid condemning yourself or feeling guilty for any of the negative emotions that might come up.

 

Smokey take some time off from her like maybe a month at least then decide whether this relationship is worth salvaging just my opinion.

[aliveagain]

You are not focused on the real issue, she cheated on you. Why did she allow herself to make out with a stranger and then leave the safety of others to fallow him into an ally? Why would she go to an ally with a man? Someone in a devoted relationship does not do that regardless of the amount of alcohol that is consumed. I am glad that she is ok but she still needs to deal with her infidelity and so should you. She isn't as committed to your relationship as she leads you to believe.

[lollipopspot]

She wasn't raped. She was into the guy, then changed her mind at the last minute.

 

So the issue is the cheating. Personally, I have trust issues to begin with. So if a girl cheated on me like this (especially when she falsely cries rape afterwards, then comes clean...remember not only is she lying to you, but she could also end up putting an innocent man in jail), I would dump her and never look back.

 

What the hell? So if a woman is kissing some guy, she has to let him have sex with her? She may have been kissing him or whatever, but at some point she didn't want to go further. AND GOT A BLACK EYE FOR RESISTING IT.

 

Kissing someone is not a commitment to have sex. If the guy forces a woman to go further, even giving her a black eye when she resists, that's not "falsely crying rape" simply because she went along with the kissing or whatever.

 

I'm really disturbed by this attitude.

 

Poor batterer/rapist, huh.

[man_in_the_box]

She wasn't raped. She was into the guy, then changed her mind at the last minute.

 

And then brutally raped her.

 

Seriously there's no reason to come with the false rape accusation stories. Contrary to popular opinion false accusation of rape is still a relatively rare thing and the OP himself has no doubt that it did happen so why go so hard against the grain? And why the hell would she not deny cheating with this guy before the rape occured? The whole concept that the rape was a lie to cover up the cheating doesn't make sense in this story.

[lollipopspot]

She went out to the backalley with him. When did she resist the sex?

 

When? Sometime before she got punched in the face.

 

When they were already having it? Does OP actually know that this guy punched her? No, he doesn't. What he DOES know is that his girlfriend cheated on him.

 

I think the guy was arrested. You think she punched herself to frame him? For what, because: She didn't deny she was stepping out on her bf - in fact, she told him - so I don't see what the purpose would be for lying about this event.

 

There is a reason to come with a false rape accusation story: so her boyfriend doesn't break up with her.

 

Again, SHE told him she stepped out on him. She could have left that part out and said it was all forced, if that were her intention.

 

The bottom line, even if she was raped, was that she put herself in that position. She wouldn't have gotten raped if she wasn't cheating.

 

Being raped and cheating are two different things. In the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of sanity.

[KatZee]

The bottom line, even if she was raped, was that she put herself in that position. She wouldn't have gotten raped if she wasn't cheating.

 

Um, so, I'm pretty sure people get raped EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. out of no where, and not because they were cheating.

 

Your statement defies all logic and lacks any and all compassion for human beings.

 

Making out is NOT A GREEN LIGHT FOR SEX. I'm really not quite sure why people feel they're entitled to have sex, or force sex onto someone after they say NO.

 

And if you read the comments on this thread, the guy that raped OPs girlfriend, has already been arrested for prior sexual assaults on people.

[tom670]

You are not focused on the real issue, she cheated on you. Why did she allow herself to make out with a stranger and then leave the safety of others to fallow him into an ally? Why would she go to an ally with a man? Someone in a devoted relationship does not do that regardless of the amount of alcohol that is consumed. I am glad that she is ok but she still needs to deal with her infidelity and so should you. She isn't as committed to your relationship as she leads you to believe.

 

Good point.

[Janesays]

She went out to the backalley with him. When did she resist the sex? When they were already having it? Does OP actually know that this guy punched her? No, he doesn't.

 

What he DOES know is that his girlfriend cheated on him.

 

 

 

There is a reason to come with a false rape accusation story: so her boyfriend doesn't break up with her.

 

OP may have no doubt in his mind, but as many of us know on here, some people are in denial and can't face reality.

 

The bottom line, even if she was raped, was that she put herself in that position.

 

If someone breaks into your house and murders you in your sleep, are you at fault if you had left 1 window unlocked? I mean, you put yourself in that position! I hope they don't even bother arresting the guy because it's clearly your fault. Bar up your windows or be murdered, fool.

[man_in_the_box]

There is a reason to come with a false rape accusation story: so her boyfriend doesn't break up with her.

 

That's why I told the OP to take it to the police. If the story is obviously made up there's a good chance she will either chicken out or the truth will come out.

 

The bottom line, even if she was raped, was that she put herself in that position. She wouldn't have gotten raped if she wasn't cheating.

 

Cheating, despite the fact that it's wrong, is still a consensual act. Rape is not. The two are not mutually exclusive at all - that's a ridiculous conclusion you're drawing. She might as well have cheated without getting raped or gotten raped without cheating. It's a seriously deluded train of thought that doesn't help anybody. The cheating and the rape are two separate happenings.

 

Getting a girl to cheat on her bf with you doesn't give you the right to ****ing rape her. Seriously wtf?

 

And, yes, there are a lot of false rape accusations. I've personally known 3 guys that were falsely accused (one of which I was actually present for....and he definitely did not rape her). Of course, that's not the story she told her boyfriend.

 

It's difficult to actually gain some insight in the occurance of false accusatory rape but the most convincing sources estimate is to be somewhere between 1% and 10%. At best it's 'unfounded', at worst and likely just a relatively small occurance compared to actual rapes.

 

I know 0 guys who got falsely accused? Does that make the average 1.5? See where I'm going with this?

Edited November 9, 2013 by man_in_the_box

[lollipopspot]

There isn't a victim alive (except a baby or an animal) who didn't somehow consciously do something to put themselves in that position. Something. You can always find it.

 

Therefore, according to this logic no true victims.

[Janesays]

If you invite the murderer in knowing that he wants to murder you, but change your mind at the last minute. Then, yes, it is your fault.

 

An unlocked window is pretty much an invitation that says, "come in and murder me, it's cool!" That's you putting yourself in a position to be murdered.

 

Also, dude, every time you walked to your car alone at night, you put yourself in a position to be carjacked. So next time you do that, just go ahead and mail me your car keys. You losing your car is clearly your fault.

[Shepp]

But kissing a guy, leading him into the backalley, and then probably going further before deciding you don't want to do it is asking for it.

 

wow!

You'd feel the same if that was your sister, or your daughter?

[Try]

This whole rape debate is turning into a thread jack. Please focus on the OP's situation, and not on such things as if a person that leaves their window open is asking to be murdered. The real issue is simple. Does her being raped give her a pass on her cheating on the OP? In my opinion no. Although he should feel compassion for her trauma, the rape does not change the fact that long term he must move forward based on the reality that she is a cheater that is not good wife material.

[Kate9292]

He doesn't have to move on.

 

I think he should support her through these dark times and if he does, he may find later on that cheating doesn't matter and he loves her so much that he just wants to be with her. And she will see what a great bf she has to support ther through the trauma.

[Try]

He doesn't have to move on.

He also does not have to stay with a woman that is a cheater.

 

I think he should support her through these dark times and if he does, he may find later on that cheating doesn't matter and he loves her so much that he just wants to be with her.

One problem with your faulty "cheating doesn't matter" thinking, is that cheating really does matter, and not everyone is willing to be a cuckhold.

 

And she will see what a great bf she has to support her through the trauma.

This is doormat logic, as it should not be all about her and what she wants. In choosing a mate he has every right to decide that he does not want to risk his future, and the destiny of his possible children, with someone that is not trustworthy. If he does not want to spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder with a cheater, he should move on. Life is too short to waste it with someone that is willing to betray you in an alley for a slime that she just met in a bar. Edited November 9, 2013 by Try

[Keenly]

At least we can agree on this woman has a lack of self control / can not handle her alcohol. I'd also eager she is impulsive to a fault.

[Robert]

I think the OP got enough advice, we are calling this one done