My gf was raped, but I feel it was partially her fault and I am devastated by this

[KatZee]

now you're just lying. being raped by definition isn't her fault. but why do women insist on putting themselves in risky positions and are obsessed with drinking? i have been mocked for going to bars and being a wimp for drinking pepsi. hello, i have to drive home. hello, i have work the next day. hello, i don't feel like drinking alcohol every day. that's your life, the need to get stupid drunk. i'll have a beer or two even when i drink. getting drunk around strange people is risky behavior and poor judgement.

 

What part of my post is a lie? I'm sorry you're made fun of so frequently but you should probably look at the people you're hanging around with.

 

I used to go to the bars back in the day and never drink. No one would say a thing to me. They would love that I was the designated driver. I've dated guys that don't drink. We've gone to bars where they've ordered water. Not one word spoken to them. Not one judgmental look, not one comment.

 

Not to be an a.sshole but you're probably mocked for other things beyond not drinking. You seem to have an extremely hostile attitude against women and people in general, and I'm sure when you're in public it oozes out of you.

[KatZee]

have you ever cheated? did i hit a sore spot? i have never even considered it.

 

Have I ever cheated? No. So sorry to burst your little "sore spot" bubble. I've been cheated ON.

 

Yeah, what do you have to say next?

[KatZee]

i have and don't even go to the bars anymore. hostile against women for telling them to use better judgement? wonderful.

 

If you think drinking is stupid, and you can't handle more than 2 beers, that's your life and your choice. I don't get how people mocking YOU is any different than you going off on people who DO choose to drink and get drunk. You are being EQUALLY as judgmental and "mocking" of these people.

[Kate9292]

Just because someone exhibited poor judgement, doesn't mean they deserve to be raped FFS!

 

Why do I even have to say it out loud? It should be obvious!

[JamesM]

Back on track....

 

Two issues....

 

She cheated.

 

She was raped.

 

 

All of your "she may have been partly to blame" feelings are because she cheated on you. Inside you may even feel like she deserved it. Yet you know that this isn't true and feel guilty about feeling that way. Part of you wants to be angry at her and part of you wants to comfort her.

 

That doesn't make you sick at all. That makes you human.

 

I applaud you for posting this thread knowing that you would be trashed for openly expressing your feelings. You said you were conflicted by them. You never came here and simply said she deserved it. You simply opened up about your feelings.

 

My apologies for the ones who simply trashed you without realizing that you are seeking advice about how to handle those feelings. You knew you theoretically shouldn't have them...but you do.

 

IMO, you need to deal with the cheating and encourage her to get counseling for the rape. You must decide if you want to continue with her as a gf (which I wouldn't) and how much of a friend you will be in helping her.

 

BTW, we do need to take responsibility for our actions. This is not something that could have happened to any woman at that bar that night. It took the abuse of alcohol and the physical intimacy with a guy to lead to the rape. Is she to blame for him not quitting? No. He is responsible. Could she have reasonable prevented it (unlike never driving a car which is necessary)? Yes, she could have. Does that mean she should be blamed for the rape? No.

 

But as Keenly says, we must be careful in all circumstances and not unnecessarily put ourselves in harm's way. We must drive a car, but we don't need to drive drunk. It impairs our decision making. We must walk under trees, but we should know our surroundings. If someone is cutting branches, then perhaps we should go around. We can wear what we want, but we should realize how we present ourselves. We can go to bars, but we must realize the dangers.

 

We certainly can put money on top of our car in plain sight, but it isn't prudent nor wise. The consequences of theft are not an unreasonable result if we do so.

 

Living recklessly and accepting no blame for the consequences is ridiculous at best.

[KatZee]

just like the woman wearing excessive makeup who told me she couldn't afford her rent, poor judgement.

 

You seem to have a very black and white view of the world. You ARE aware that drug stores carry .99 cent makeup, CORRECT?? You ARE aware that sometimes girls share makeup, CORRECT?

 

I'm not sure what someone's makeup has to do with her not affording rent. Or why someone in makeup who is having a hard time paying bill has "poor judgment." Do you think those who are struggling or on unemployment should look like dirty homeless people?

 

I'm not even sure what makeup and rent has to do with BEING RAPED.

 

Now you're just running your mouth in pointless circles that has NO BEARING on the OP's situation. You should just quit while you're ahead.

[JamesM]

Just because someone exhibited poor judgement, doesn't mean they deserve to be raped FFS!

 

Why do I even have to say it out loud? It should be obvious!

 

No, that is correct.

 

However, if we do exhibit poor judgment, then we can expect that bad results may occur.

 

If I walk in a dark alley and get mugged and robbed, do I deserve it? No, but most people would have no problem telling me that it was my fault for walking in such an area of town. If I drive drunk and get killed, then we can say that there was a correlation. (That would be different if I were killed by a drunk driver and I was driving normally doing nothing that would influence his or her behavior). Very few people would simply say that it was an accident only.

 

Our decisions and behavior can influence others. Their decisions are their choice and responsibility.

[KatZee]

its not just makeup, but fancy jewelry and clothes. it is poor judgement. you are nuts. go for the hawt muscular drunk man that every other woman demands.

 

You've heard of bargain retail stores, CORRECT?

[greenfairie]

Omg. Okay I just read the title, none of the comments. My close friend was raped earlier this summer and I stayed with her all day/night. She was given a drink with some kind of pill inside that rendered her unconscious. Does that make her her fault? Just because she chose to have faith in humanity being good so she went into this guy's house having already met him in daylight before and everything went great…. does NOT make it her fault. Rape is serious. Sorry to be blunt, but that already probably is mentally ****ing her up a little more so she needs to have more support/company around her to do good,productive things so she doesn't get depressed or weak. She feels bad enough about the rape. She might be okay though and maintaining a strong, cool composure. She really does not need you to make her feel bad about kissing a guy. Yes, a kiss happened. She chose to go out with him in good faith. She said NO too, emphasis on the NO. she just wanted to do some harmless kissing and she wouldn't go all the way. Honestly, kissing to me is really innocent and I enjoy kissing. A lot of girls do. To me, sometimes I get attracted to a guy and I'd just make out because he has nice lips and he's nice to look at, but do I wanna go more? No, I'm just using him as my practice kissing buddy. lol. I don't do it often though. It happens rarely, like every other year or something lol. At the end of the night, I want to be with my guy. It's unfortunate she chose a guy that happened to rape her. I'm glad to know HE got arrested. That's definitely a great service to justice. AND IT'S NOT HER FAULT. Don't put the blame on her please.

[Chi townD]

Actually, I'm quite disturbed with some of the people on this thread. This guy comes on here after a very traumatic event and came looking for answers. He was in shock and trying to make heads or tails of something that JUST happened!! And what happens to him asking questions when his mind isn't screwed on right? We call him a disturbed person and a piece of sh*t.

 

Yes, she was raped. It's awful and horrific and my heart goes out to her. But, the victim isn't the only one affected by this violent act. He was raped too. As well as her brothers and sisters and her folks. All the people that love her and is close to her is going to be affected by this.

 

She's gonna be in therapy for a while. She may start to resent men. She may put up a protective wall and close people out. She may not want her boyfriend to touch her and the thought of having sex, one of the closest and loving act you can share with the person you love; well, the thought of that now makes her physically ill. And guess what? HE'S going to have to deal with that. Not any of us. HIM!

 

Guys always what to try to fix things. And he's trying to look at it at ANY angle to wrap his head around what happened. Now, he was honest and shared that if she didn't go into that ally and start making out with this guy; none of this would have happened. I think it would have been better if he stated that he was hurt and angry. Why did she go with this guy? Why did she go into that ally. Just....why.

 

Rape affects us all, not just the victim. All I ask is if you would just please cut this guy a break. He's hurting too.

[f1asr88]

Omg. Okay I just read the title, none of the comments. My close friend was raped earlier this summer and I stayed with her all day/night. She was given a drink with some kind of pill inside that rendered her unconscious. Does that make her her fault? Just because she chose to have faith in humanity being good so she went into this guy's house having already met him in daylight before and everything went great…. does NOT make it her fault. Rape is serious. Sorry to be blunt, but that already probably is mentally ****ing her up a little more so she needs to have more support/company around her to do good,productive things so she doesn't get depressed or weak. She feels bad enough about the rape. She might be okay though and maintaining a strong, cool composure. She really does not need you to make her feel bad about kissing a guy. Yes, a kiss happened. She chose to go out with him in good faith. She said NO too, emphasis on the NO. she just wanted to do some harmless kissing and she wouldn't go all the way. Honestly, kissing to me is really innocent and I enjoy kissing. A lot of girls do. To me, sometimes I get attracted to a guy and I'd just make out because he has nice lips and he's nice to look at, but do I wanna go more? No, I'm just using him as my practice kissing buddy. lol. I don't do it often though. It happens rarely, like every other year or something lol. At the end of the night, I want to be with my guy. It's unfortunate she chose a guy that happened to rape her. I'm glad to know HE got arrested. That's definitely a great service to justice. AND IT'S NOT HER FAULT. Don't put the blame on her please.

 

I feel really sorry for your guy....

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some years ago I was in a sort of similar situation. My then boyfriend and me had a big fight. I was upset and thought it was over. I was also angry at him and wanted revenge. Guy I dated before him was still contacting me a lot. So at 2am I decided to go to his house. I went over there and made moves on him. I started kissing him and he took over from there. Before things went too far I started feeling very guilty. I decided that I didn't want to go through with it. I tried to stop him but he kept saying Cmon and kept going. I bit his arm as hard as I could and it took him off balance and he stopped. I went home.

 

If I didn't bite him I'm not sure he would have stopped. The point is it was largely my responsibility for going to some guy's house in the middle of the night and putting sexual moves on him. I know that technically it would have been rape but it still doesn't undermine the fact that women shouldn't put themselves in stupid situations.

[Shepp]

if i walk into the toughest part of harlem and start talking trash at 3 am and i get attacked, its the attackers fault, but that wouldn't excuse me from using poor judgement.

 

Our decisions and behavior can influence others. Their decisions are their choice and responsibility.

 

I disagree with this. I think people are totally and completely responsible for there own actions. No other human beings action makes you/or influences you, everything you do is your own decision. If a guy rapes a girl that it 100% his choice and her actions don't come into it whether she was sober and in a straight jacket or half naked and out of her skull.

 

 

 

All of your "she may have been partly to blame" feelings are because she cheated on you. Inside you may even feel like she deserved it. Yet you know that this isn't true and feel guilty about feeling that way. Part of you wants to be angry at her and part of you wants to comfort her.

 

This I totally agree with this!

[JamesM]

I disagree with this. I think people are totally and completely responsible for there own actions. No other human beings action makes you/or influences you, everything you do is your own decision. If a guy rapes a girl that it 100% his choice and her actions don't come into it whether she was sober and in a straight jacket or half naked and out of her skull.

 

Really?!? So if your GF cheats on you and you get angry and kill the guy, then you were not at all influenced by their actions? Would you have killed the person if your GF had never cheated with him?

 

Of course not. While our decisions and choices are our own, what we choose to do can be greatly influenced by the actions and decisions of those around us.

 

That is why some killings are called revenge murder.

 

Even here, the OP said his GF was drunk and hence her behavior. Do we excuse her cheating because she was drunk? But if you say no, then would she have cheated if she was not?

 

 

This I totally agree with this!

 

Thank you.

 

I do think we need to realize that the OP is simply coming here to vent how he feels inside. Why everyone feels it is necessary to be moral judges of his inner feelings when most of us have not been in his situation is beyond me. he KNOWS his feelings are not what he "should" be feeling. Yet his anger and sadness contribute to his confusion.

 

The anger that most here convey regarding cheating is being lost in the "horrified" gasps that anyone dare consider a rape victim anything less than innocent.

 

I doubt anyone would question the logic that standing too close to a fire will get you burned, yet we excuse some very irrational behavior lest it appear that we condone rape.

 

I wonder how many read the title of this thread and never bothered reading every word of the post as their anger decided their opinion already.

[KathyM]

No one deserves to be raped. But the issue here is her infidelity. The fact that she showed such disregard for you and your relationship that she went out to a bar, got drunk, and went out back with a stranger to have sex with him. THAT is where your issue is. If she had been walking home alone at night and got attacked/raped, I doubt you would be having these feelings of devastation. The devastation is coming from the fact that she disregarded you and the relationship to the point where she was willing to have sex with a stranger and cheat on you. The fact that she changed her mind about the intercourse after engaging in kissing and having the intent to cheat, is of little comfort. You obviously feel violated that you and the relationship meant so little to her at the time. THAT is the real issue.

[nescafe1982]

The same people would not feel the same way if the OP went out to a bar with his friends, got black out drunk, left with a girl, cheated on his GF and knocked up the girl or got herpes (NO, not close to being raped but still life changing).

 

These same people would be overjoyed with happiness and screaming from the mountain top that the OP got what he deserved.

 

No. It's not the same. You know why? Consent.

 

The only way this analogy would hold water is if you think that the woman stepping outside with the rapist was tantamount to consent.

 

Which it wasn't.

 

I am also basically horrified at how much this thread has degraded from helping the OP to... this.

 

OP: are you still reading? Have you had some time to think about all this stuff? What are you doing today to help process your emotions about this thing?

[JamesM]

No. It's not the same. You know why? Consent.

 

The only way this analogy would hold water is if you think that the woman stepping outside with the rapist was tantamount to consent.

 

Which it wasn't.

 

It is similar. She consented to some action but then refused to go any farther. The guy who has sex never consented to a pregnancy or an STD....but his actions resulted in his receiving one. The difference is that we blame the rape on the guy, but we wouldn't blame the pregnancy or the STD on the girl...right or wrong.

 

I am also basically horrified at how much this thread has degraded from helping the OP to... this.

 

OP: are you still reading? Have you had some time to think about all this stuff? What are you doing today to help process your emotions about this thing?

 

I agree. This thread should not even be about the morality of his thoughts. It should be about how to process them.

[lindsay1990]

EVIL doesn't care about the law and the law, people in the bar and her friends who were with her didn't protect the OPs GF either.

 

What does "EVIL" have to do with assigning fault or responsibility to the victim?

 

 

Nobody's saying the law protects her from rapist. I'm saying there is no such this as "due diligence" demanded of victims of a crime.

 

One person's poor judgement has NOTHING to do with another person's decision to commit a crime. THAT's what the law says. So again, who's saying anything about this mystical "evil"? I'm talking responsibility and actions.

[nescafe1982]

She consented to go to bar with her "friends" who didn't care about her, her safety, her BF, their relationship and got black out drunk, left the bar with the guy with the intent of cheating on her BF (admitted it even) and did.

 

She told the OP she did consent and even made out with him. Now you are saying he raped her mouth / tongue and denying facts?

 

She did not consent to having some dude force his penis into her. Yours is a moronic (and perhaps intentional) misreading of my post. The rest of your response is also nothing but pointless baiting.

 

Also, see my posts. Nowhere did I say OP has no right to be upset over this event.. quite the opposite. He has every right to be hurt, angry, upset over this. What matters, though, is what he does from here on out. And I venture that blaming a rape victim for her attack is not the most constructive way forward.

[Keenly]

Oh I don't know maybe it was an EVIL person that assaulted and raped a woman.

 

 

 

Oh... I see. Evil doesn't exist. This is all just a simple misunderstanding where the rapist was unaware that rape is against the law.

 

Hopefully he is arrested and informed of the law and rehabilitated in prison. That way when he gets out, he will no longer have the desire to break that law again now that he knows about it.

 

 

 

Apparently the rapist was not responsible and didn't care if his actions were harmful or against the law.

 

Now what?

She uses the word responsibility while simultaneously absolving the girl from it.

[Keenly]

My personal experience with OP's situation Is so absolutely symmetrical that I almost fear people just don't believe me when they realize just how parallel they are. I know exactly how the OP feels.

 

Anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, and failure.

 

An endless loop of what if's and what could I have done differently to change the outcome. He needs to be there for her for and deal with his brooding emotions later on, but NOT forget or repress them entirely.

[Delilah1623]

Did she deserve to get raped? No. Anyone that thinks otherwise is disturbed.

 

Did she lack judgement and put herself in a situation that made it possible that she shouldn't have put herself in? Yes. She didnt.go out to get the mail and get dragged off into a Bush.

 

Does the OP think she had it coming? Doubt it.

 

Did he deserve to be cheated on? No.

 

Is he obligated to support the woman that betrayed him because she experienced a traumatic event AFTER she betrayed him? No

 

Does it make him a bad person? No.

 

My psycho ex that I dated for 4 months stole my car, uses it to commit crimes and left me with $30,000 in debt. If during his 15 year prison.sentance some gangster has his way with him in the shower doors that mean I should forgive him? Hell no.

[Try]

When you kiss someone and turn away, that means NO. When a woman has to hit a man and receives injuries after this because he has raped her, that is a glaringly obvious NO and this situation was in no way her fault.

When you are in a committed exclusive relationship, and go to an alley to make out and kiss another man (OM), you are cheating even if there was no intercourse. The OP feels bad that she was raped, but is upset that she cheated on him. The rape does not give her a pass for cheating on him. If he would have kicked her to the curb for cheating had she not been raped, he should still kick her to the curb now.

[Shepp]

Really?!? So if your GF cheats on you and you get angry and kill the guy, then you were not at all influenced by their actions? Would you have killed the person if your GF had never cheated with him?

 

Yeah I knew that was coming

 

Right so, if some guy raped my girlfriend or hurt anyone I love for that matter, I would put him in hospital - I know myself well enough to know I'd hit the roof and hit him even harder.

 

But I don't see that as his actions influencing me...I don't quite know hoe to explain it...It's my choice how to react totally - urm, its like, obviously he would have caused a situation for me to react to but there are 100 ways to it I could react and I don't believe his action would influence my choice between reaction A or reaction B because both reactions would be to the event he created.

Does that make sense? Its like I wouldn't want anybody else to take any responsibility or credit for the actions I make. I wouldn't want some lowlife to feel he had any part in making me beat him to a pulp - he didn't have that control over me, my decision would of been all mine.

 

That is why some killings are called revenge murder.

Totally get that but no one can make you act a certain way - you have to, well I believe in life you have to, make your decisions and live or die by them.

 

Even here, the OP said his GF was drunk and hence her behavior. Do we excuse her cheating because she was drunk?

I would say no....I never excuse cheating (I think we've been over that one! )

But if you say no, then would she have cheated if she was not?

Doesn't matter...because it was her choice, no one elses, no one poured it down her throat, it was her choice to drink and more importantly it was her choice to cheat! If she was in her own mind enough to kiss him she was in her own mind enough to slap him.

 

 

I do think we need to realize that the OP is simply coming here to vent how he feels inside. Why everyone feels it is necessary to be moral judges of his inner feelings when most of us have not been in his situation is beyond me. he KNOWS his feelings are not what he "should" be feeling. Yet his anger and sadness contribute to his confusion.

I agree.

I'm a big fan of 'chuck all the psychology books in the bin cause your only human' you can only feel what you feel, you can only be who you are. Every knows what you can and cant say what you should or shouldn't do but you cant change what you think or feel.

 

I doubt anyone would question the logic that standing too close to a fire will get you burned, yet we excuse some very irrational behavior lest it appear that we condone rape..

Maybe.....id be inclined to say everyone has individual distances how close they can stand and still be safe...depends on the steadiness of your hand!

[Grumpybutfun]

Rape is never okay. Cheating is never okay. The two are very different in that one is a crime and is so invasive that it has caused years of endless suffering to women and men, sometimes resulting in committing suicide by the victim. You don't just get to walk away from it and start all over. It stays with you forever whereas cheating is something that may hurt you, but you get to walk away from it knowing you are better off without a cheater being in your life. It scars people's souls, that I have no doubt, but it doesn't destroy their souls completely like rape can do. I have had people very close to me experience both and looked into their eyes, and in the case of the rape victim I saw vacancy and then complete fear, checked out due to the violence and invasiveness involved. No comparison to being cheated on as far as the soul destroying properties of rape. This woman needs help right now, and can deal with her cheating later. This is about compassion for someone who has suffered a trauma and who most likely will always feel she deserved it due to her actions at the bar. I think she is going to suffer tremendously. It is up to the OP if he can find it to get past his own pain to be there, albeit temporarily if he so chooses to end the relationship, for a woman he was in a relationship with.

 

This is a case where the OP can't reconcile one without the anger of the other interfering. My initial reaction is that he is very confused about her situation because we live in a culture where duplicity surrounding rape cases is obviously a problem. Too many people lie about serious things to cover up their own failings. However, after reading that the perpetrator was a repeat offender for sex crimes, I think it is safe to say that she got in way over her head in a situation where she wasn't prepared for this kind of predator. She was obviously in a drunken state and her awareness and her safety system of her friend's support had broken down during the night. I am sure she regrets every moment of her bad decisions to be there, and questions why she put herself in that situation.

 

The OP has a right to FEEL the way he feels. This isn't about us passing judgment on the gf's actions, though she could have been more responsible, but it is about understanding the severity of what happened to her and the OP. I do not doubt that she bears responsibility for getting drunk, and I wish that people would be more careful, because this is tragic. However, the onus is always on the rapist for any situation where a woman or man (yes, this happens more than you think, but is under reported) say no" and fights, yet is dominated and subjected to the will of another's need for violence and control.

 

The gf made a terrible mistake, and she cheated on her bf, yet nothing is justification for rape, nothing at all. OP is in a tragic set of circumstances, yet the responses here, including mine, show that we have a great deal of work to do as a society to being the compassionate people who can separate other's suffering from our own. That is also going to be the OP's challenge. Can someone who is hurt by cheating overcome their own self/ego to be compassionate to someone else long enough to help them heal and forgive them for breaking their heart?

Grumps