Jealous boyfriend-- now ex for 2 years

[Guiltridden87]

I guess I just really want some closure. I dated a guy for 8 years, of which 4 we were in a long distance. He was my first bf.

 

He had always been a very jealous person, I wasn't able to speak to guys, go out with a group where there were guys, take pictures with guys next to me, and I always had to ask for his permission for whatever I wanted to do. He would threaten to break up with me if I didn't listen to him. I also couldn't wear sleeveless clothes, dresses and not even leggings. He also had a bad temper and would call me names sometimes.

 

However I knew he loved me very much and did not cheat on me. He has never hit me so I don't even know if this is abuse or not.

 

Towards the end of our relationship, I met this awesome guy who really understood me and was very supportive. He never persuaded me to break up..but I really felt that he was the one. So.. I did it. Two years ago I broke up with my ex and today I'm still with this guy and our relationship is super strong and I'm honestly smiling everyday to have such a great bf.

 

The only thing is I still think about what I did to my ex everyday. How I probably hurt him a lot and how I might have changed his life so much for doing that. He's back in town and his mom messaged me telling me to meet him if I still wanted to. I feel really bad, and all the guilt doubled the instance I found out. He didn't contact me for two years so I thought he has moved on.

 

It was really hard to recover from this...an 8 year relationship and the first person who taught me about love. I know I don't want be with him again. But..I just need an opinion from you guys..did I do the right thing? Was I awful for leaving him for my current bf? Do you think its possible for someone to change? I just need some closure.. Knowing if I made the right decision or not. Thank you.

[OpheliaSong]

Life is fluid. Sometimes you have to move on from what is not working to find what will work for you. I think you need to forgive yourself for hurting him because it is inevitable that we all get hurt sometimes. It is part of growing pains.

[nescafe1982]

I know your situation very well. Only in my relationship, I would have played the role of your ex.

 

And I can honestly tell you that if you are happy now, that even if the breakup wasn't the very best way to end it... what matters is that the relationship needed to end, and it did. If you were together with the ex for 8 years, and you were unhappy, that thing needed to end. It sounds a little like you and the ex were struggling to find a way to end it, and your current BF (the new guy) presented just that means to an end.

 

Was everything about your last break-up the "right" way to break up? Maybe not. But there's no good way to end a long-term relationship. None. And regardless of how it happened, it cleared the way for something better.

 

Now, what to do about the guilt. Your feelings of guilt come from your humanity, and your sense that your actions might have hurt your ex. They are worthwhile feelings. But you must also learn to forgive yourself, and be kind with yourself on this one. You did the right thing but stumbled along the way... that doesn't negate that it was the right thing to do.

 

When I feel guilt about something way after the fact like this, I usually mentally prepare myself to apologize and make amends to the person... IF I EVER SEE THEM AGAIN. Note that I DO NOT mean to seek the offended party out again... don't go looking for your ex to apologize. Why? Because an apology won't likely mean as much to him as it would to you. The purpose of mentally preparing an apology like this is for you to accept your humanity and move on in self-acceptance. To acknowledge anything about your breakup that you're not proud of... but ultimately to forgive yourself and move on.

 

If you're happy in your current relationship, you probably made the right choice. Just work on relieving some of the guilt through some recognition and self-acceptance. Best of luck!

[nescafe1982]

your ex sounds like a complete psychopath

 

 

 

 

or a muslim

 

...really, dude? That is your contribution to this conversation. Nice bigotry, bro.

[Guiltridden87]

Thanks nescafe1982.

 

You really got to the point. There is no easy way to end any long term relationship at all.

 

I keep replaying the break up over and over again. He completely broke down and cried when he realized I was serious. He was a big man that have never cried for the 8 years I was going out with him. I cannot get pass how vulnerable I made him and how much I hurt him. I have no idea how to forgive myself. When you've been with someone for this long, he's like family.

 

Only, I can never outwardly show I still care because its unfair for him, for my current bf, and me..because I'm trying to heal from all this too.

 

Over the months, I blame him less and less for what he did to me. I started to stop agonizing over him. It's just knowing we're in the same city makes me feel all quest again.

[Kate9292]

I guess I just really want some closure. I dated a guy for 8 years, of which 4 we were in a long distance. He was my first bf.

 

He had always been a very jealous person, I wasn't able to speak to guys, go out with a group where there were guys, take pictures with guys next to me, and I always had to ask for his permission for whatever I wanted to do. He would threaten to break up with me if I didn't listen to him. I also couldn't wear sleeveless clothes, dresses and not even leggings. He also had a bad temper and would call me names sometimes.

 

However I knew he loved me very much and did not cheat on me. He has never hit me so I don't even know if this is abuse or not.

 

Towards the end of our relationship, I met this awesome guy who really understood me and was very supportive. He never persuaded me to break up..but I really felt that he was the one. So.. I did it. Two years ago I broke up with my ex and today I'm still with this guy and our relationship is super strong and I'm honestly smiling everyday to have such a great bf.

 

The only thing is I still think about what I did to my ex everyday. How I probably hurt him a lot and how I might have changed his life so much for doing that. He's back in town and his mom messaged me telling me to meet him if I still wanted to. I feel really bad, and all the guilt doubled the instance I found out. He didn't contact me for two years so I thought he has moved on.

 

It was really hard to recover from this...an 8 year relationship and the first person who taught me about love. I know I don't want be with him again. But..I just need an opinion from you guys..did I do the right thing? Was I awful for leaving him for my current bf? Do you think its possible for someone to change? I just need some closure.. Knowing if I made the right decision or not. Thank you.

 

No, you weren't awful for leaving jealous control freak who dictated you how you should leave. You have to care about your interest to and not sacrifice it to the point of misery.

[PegNosePete]

Your ex treated you badly. Not physical abuse, but mental for sure. However cheating on him (physically or emotionally you don't specify but it's the same really) was not the correct way to go about ending the relationship.

 

I'm not trying to lecture you or make you feel bad. What is done, is done. Although you bear the responsibility for cheating, your ex is responsible for the terrible state of your relationship that caused it to end.

 

Are you still in contact with him? If so then I would very much advise you to drop it. It's quite inappropriate for his mother to be asking you to meet up with him. That is really creepy in fact.

 

You really need to forgive yourself for what you did. That does not mean forgetting, it means accepting responsibility for your actions and learning from them. We have all done things we are not proud of in the past. You need to learn self-acceptance, and accept that fact that you did wrong, but that it's OK. You can discuss this with a friend, family member, on here or even just quiet reflection with yourself, but it's not necessary to communicate with your ex. It's not about getting forgiveness from him, it's about you forgiving yourself. That is how you get closure and move on.

[Guiltridden87]

Thanks for all the input.

 

I have not spoken to him ever since we broke up.

 

I only met his mom once after that, because I wanted to thank her for treating me like a daughter all these years.

 

I did not reply to any of her messages afterwards because I needed to move on and I could only do that properly if I removed myself completely.

 

I do try to remind myself what he did to me in the past and sometimes I can't believe I never fought back.

 

His rationale was if you love someone, you should make them a better person.

 

For me, i always believed that if I love someone, I want them to be who they are and simply, be happy.

 

I guess our values were different to begin with.

[heartshaped]

Leaving someone after so long is very, very hard. It takes a long time to get over and honestly, you probably hopped in this relationship with your current boyfriend too soon and that's why now years later this is even an issue.

 

Truthfully, I do believe people change. BUT if you weren't willing to work it out for whatever reason with your ex then, then the two of you are right where you should be now. The past is the past for a reason.

[Sazerac]

I'm not trying to lecture you or make you feel bad. What is done, is done. Although you bear the responsibility for cheating, your ex is responsible for the terrible state of your relationship that caused it to end.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I fail to see where she cheated?

 

-She met another guy toward the end of the relationship

-She decided she wanted him instead of her boyfriend

-She broke up with her boyfriend

-She is now with the other guy.

 

Please tell me where cheating occurred here?

 

Guiltridden, you *were* abused - mentally and emotionally if not physically. The fact that you feel guilty over potentially hurting your ex over a breakup when he had been so jealous and over-controlling in your life speaks volumes to me. His actions have led him to the situation he is in now.

 

Move forward with your life and don't look back. If you need to, talk to a counselor about any lingering issues you may have concerning him and about you feeling guilty for something that someone else inflicted on you.

 

I wish you all the best.

[nescafe1982]

Move forward with your life and don't look back. If you need to, talk to a counselor about any lingering issues you may have concerning him and about you feeling guilty for something that someone else inflicted on you.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

I would +1 this because I think everyone and anyone could benefit from talking with a therapist about stuff like this. In that setting, you can work through what's troubling you in a positive setting and improve your current quality of life.

 

After such a long and controlling relationship, it's definitely a good idea. I saw someone for a little while after my own (7+ year) LTR ended and it did me a world of good.

[Guiltridden87]

Is this a relationship therapist or a psychologist that you are talking about? I honestly think I am this close to seeking help.

 

Every day that he's in the city is tormenting to me. He doesn't have any friends here and his mom keeps telling me he's here because he hopes that he will see me, somehow. He has not contacted me yet. my mind is constantly filled with thinking about how he's doing, hoping he's not tormenting himself, or whether he is back here to relive our memories. I don't mean to sound like I'm all important, but there is really little reason for him to come here and it's these thoughts that's making it unbearable.

 

He's not like the ferocious ex that people would think he is given he was very jealous before. He did not threaten me. He just let me be. His reaction after the break up was everything I thought he would NOT do. I think I shocked him so much with my decision that I really stripped him bare and vulnerable. I never thought he would cry for me. He flew here right away and wrote me letters everyday. I only thought he'd be angry and completely erased me from his life. I thought he was a strong person, the strongest in the world, but behind all that he was just another human being with all his armors on. It was very painful to see that.

 

I know 8 years is a long time and it takes time. At one point in my life, i thought my life would end if he broke up with me. I loved him a lot and would sacrifice everyrhing to make him happy because he was very important to me. I keep thinking this was the sort of shock i did to him. His not moving on prevents me from moving on.

 

I know it's fruitless to think about this now...but do you guys think people can change? Especially for someone like him?

 

Thanks for letting me pour all this out. I appreciate it!

[Guiltridden87]

I know he is abusive, but at the same time I knew he loved me dearly. He just didn't know how to show it.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just hate him for all he's done. He has scarred me a lot and affected my thinking and actions. I notice that i tend to become fearful easily and uncertain. But I honestly don't hate him at all and I don't get it!

 

Is this the case with all people in jealous relationships? I am so confused.

[PegNosePete]

I know he is abusive, but at the same time I knew he loved me dearly. He just didn't know how to show it.

Spoken like a true abuse victim.

"He loves me so much, he just gets angry and hits me occasionally"

 

Really? Why on earth are you defending someone who was abusive to you? He is a toxic person and you need to move on. Why does his mother keep messaging you? Do you respond? WHY??

[firemanq]

You need to keep documentation about the attempted contacts. The verbal abuse can increase to physical. Get a can of bear spray, keeping it in your purse. Be ready to protect yourself. Talk to the local women's shelter for advice from those who have been in an abusive relationship.