BritneyLynn Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 My ex James and I had a brief 3 month relationship, so he should be easy to get over, right? That's what I told myself but I couldn't have been more wrong it seems. Although the relationship was brief, it was intense. We shared a bond I've never experienced before and he made me genuinely happy. We broke up because I was dealing with some personal life issues (non related to him or our relationship) and well, he's not the best at talking about emotional stuff. With his lack of emotional support, I broke down, literally, caused a huge fight and he walked away. We didn't talk for a few weeks, but I called him eventually to tie up what loose ends we had. I kept it brief, telling him only what I needed to and then quickly getting off the phone. He called me twice more that week just to talk and twice more the following week. He asked me to see him Monday for some support in a personal issue I had been a part of when we were together. The plan was to go and get his stuff done, then go our separate ways but, upon talking, he asked if he could come hang out with me longer. Reluctantly, I agreed, knowing I'd be emotional seeing him. When we arrived at my place (neither of us are much for going out to eat, we're both more homebodies) we had the first real conversation about our break up. He apologized and admitted he should have been there more and revealed his own stresses that kept him from doing so, and I accepted that I had been less than perfect in my approach too. He then went on to say how he hated me but only for a few days before he missed me, and said he mostly misses having me there to talk to and how he can always be himself with me. Things were friendly and conversation flowed easily, he said the hardest thing about the day was not having his arm around me and just being physically close to me. Eventually, he did put his arm around me, and kissed my forehead asking me "is it wrong that this feels so right?" and later he kissed me, passionately. He grabbed my face and pulled me into him, and when he pulled away, he looked me in my eyes and said "you have no idea how bad I needed that" by the end of our visit, he was calling me babe again and we just clicked the same way we did when we were together. He promised to call and see me again before he left and he did briefly on wednesday, but I was busy so I had to hang up after only a minute. Since then, nothing. Basically what I'm confused about is what this means, was this our closure, final good bye sort of a thing? Or does this mean he just may want to try and work it out? I mean, when he calls again, should I flat out ask or maybe see about one more meeting before I bring it up? I've realized my feelings for this man are a lot deeper than even I had known at the time and I want to approach this 100% right, I'm amazed at the emotional depth I'd already gotten out of him Monday and I don't want to lose that, I need to make him speak from his heart without actually MAKING him.....Help!!!
Axee Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Who actually broke up with whom stating what? Have those reasons changed? How is this guy as a person, is he a kind hearted and a gentleman? Based on the answers you can decide whether this will work out.. And he called you, you hung up , why didnt you call back?
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 After the fight we had, he broke up with me. He said he saw a side of me he didn't like and that it was too much for him. That's why I felt the need to better explain my actions when I saw him and he seemed to understand that while no I didn't handle it properly, he knew where I had been coming from that day. He is a wonderful person but just also has his own issues he's facing and admitted to needing to find a better way to deal also. As for not calling him, his only phone at this time is a landline that technically belongs to his room mate so I've told him to just call me because I feel awkward calling another persons phone more out of respect for his room mate 1
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 So here's the update if anyone has an input. We did spend the entire weekend together, from Saturday to Monday evening. He even asked me to dinner stating that he didn't want to leave my company until he absolutely had to. Dinner was amazing, just like old times. I asked him at the end of the night where we were going from here and he said "for once in your life do something without having a plan. Just go with the flow, find out what went wrong and if we can fix it" I feel a bit confused, I know there are no guarantees in life, but I almost feel like he has no intention of committing anytime soon if at all based on that statement. But, we have spoken every night since and seem to be getting along well. I asked him to come out with my friends and I next weekend (I'm currently on vacation until mid next week) and he agreed but said he doesn't understand why I want him to meet some of my new friends/ people he hadn't met even when we were together. This kind of feels like a dumb game he's playing, but I'm not sure...thoughts??
xUnknown Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 So here's the update if anyone has an input. We did spend the entire weekend together, from Saturday to Monday evening. He even asked me to dinner stating that he didn't want to leave my company until he absolutely had to. Dinner was amazing, just like old times. I asked him at the end of the night where we were going from here and he said "for once in your life do something without having a plan. Just go with the flow, find out what went wrong and if we can fix it" I feel a bit confused, I know there are no guarantees in life, but I almost feel like he has no intention of committing anytime soon if at all based on that statement. But, we have spoken every night since and seem to be getting along well. I asked him to come out with my friends and I next weekend (I'm currently on vacation until mid next week) and he agreed but said he doesn't understand why I want him to meet some of my new friends/ people he hadn't met even when we were together. This kind of feels like a dumb game he's playing, but I'm not sure...thoughts?? I don't think any games are being played here. He wants you back. I think instead of putting a label on things right away, he is just trying to work on things with you. Dating, trying to feel everything out. I'm sure he doesn't want to jump back into a relationship and put a title to it all if it is only to fail shortly after. I think he genuinely wants to be with you and wants to work on things, but instead of doing everything with a plan, he is just going with the flow, as he said. Dating, getting to know you, figuring out what issues went wrong and fixing them. I think he wants to meet your friends, why else would he accept your invitation. Hes making an effort...let him, and work on things. 1
xUnknown Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 We didn't talk for a few weeks, but I called him eventually to tie up what loose ends we had. I kept it brief, telling him only what I needed to and then quickly getting off the phone. Mind me asking how you approached this? What loose ends needed to be tied up?
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 My ex and I ended things about a month and a half ago. The break up was mutual after an argument we had in which we both wound up acting like immature fools and agreed we would be better off with time and space. After 3 weeks of NC, we did get back in touch and have seen each other a couple of times. Most recently we spent the weekend together, ending it with dinner. When we are together, it's almost like we never ended things at all, he's attentive, flirty, and sweet, we have an amazing time. I asked him after the weekend where he saw things going and his response was "don't plan anything, just go with the flow. Let's see what went wrong and if we can fix it" followed by him telling me he does love me and a kiss before he left. He does call me most every night but, when I mention plans that go past a few days into the future it's always "it depends on where we are" or things of that sort. I'm at the point where I'm questioning his true intentions, almost like maybe I'm being kept around to keep him company, or to keep me from going elsewhere until he decides what he wants. In person meetings are wonderful but phone calls are distant and almost cold. Anyone out there have any opinions?
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Thank you for your input, I've had a friend of mine telling me he thinks it's all a game, planting that seed in my head. Although, I do know this friend wishes he was something more so I wasn't sure if he was trying to ruin this to get his chance, but that's a different story. As for the loose ends, my doctor told me at a visit that I may have been pregnant but it was too soon to tell for sure, he and I were together at the time so he knew. At the next check up, I found out I was not and called him to just say that I wasn't, told him to have a good day at work, and hung up. He called me later that night just to talk and it's gone from there.
xUnknown Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Thank you for your input, I've had a friend of mine telling me he thinks it's all a game, planting that seed in my head. Although, I do know this friend wishes he was something more so I wasn't sure if he was trying to ruin this to get his chance, but that's a different story. As for the loose ends, my doctor told me at a visit that I may have been pregnant but it was too soon to tell for sure, he and I were together at the time so he knew. At the next check up, I found out I was not and called him to just say that I wasn't, told him to have a good day at work, and hung up. He called me later that night just to talk and it's gone from there. Ahh gotcha. And yes, if this friend wants something more, he absolutely will say stuff because he wants a chance. Thats how guys are. I'm almost positive, actually, yeah I am positive, some guy did this to my ex. He had a crush on her and she was venting about our relationship to him as a "3rd party". Yeah, way to get that unbiased opinion...smart one....bitch.
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Ahh gotcha. And yes, if this friend wants something more, he absolutely will say stuff because he wants a chance. Thats how guys are. I'm almost positive, actually, yeah I am positive, some guy did this to my ex. He had a crush on her and she was venting about our relationship to him as a "3rd party". Yeah, way to get that unbiased opinion...smart one....bitch. Haha people are crazy sometimes, thankfully I decided to look outside of this "friend"s opinion. Unfortunately he is a good support system just not in this situation. Definitely reassuring that James more than likely wants to be with me eventually, I just got scared that maybe he would walk away again and I would have wasted time I could have used to get over him
r321148 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Just stick with it as long as you can handle. I'd say he is feeling his way gradually. He is seeing if things have changed and taking it slow. You guys had a major bust up and it's going to be hard to wipe that slate clean and move past it. These things take time but I see more or less everything you've written as being fairly positive. Think of yourself too a bit though. Just go with the flow for as long as you're happy. If he is taking it too slow for you and it is taking it's toll then you need to find a way out. If/when it gets too much and he still hasn't suggested more then you can approach him about it and find out his intentions. If you do this too soon it might scare him off but as soon as it starts taking its toll on you and affecting your happiness then you need to know one way or the other. What that timescale is comes down to you. Good luck
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Just stick with it as long as you can handle. I'd say he is feeling his way gradually. He is seeing if things have changed and taking it slow. You guys had a major bust up and it's going to be hard to wipe that slate clean and move past it. These things take time but I see more or less everything you've written as being fairly positive. Think of yourself too a bit though. Just go with the flow for as long as you're happy. If he is taking it too slow for you and it is taking it's toll then you need to find a way out. If/when it gets too much and he still hasn't suggested more then you can approach him about it and find out his intentions. If you do this too soon it might scare him off but as soon as it starts taking its toll on you and affecting your happiness then you need to know one way or the other. What that timescale is comes down to you. Good luck Thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I went on vacation last week and returned yesterday and my whole vacation, I received maybe 3 calls from him, with each one promising to call back later or the next day and that never happened. It could be that he didn't want to interrupt my vacation but, he knows I'm just that girl where if you say you're going to call, please just call, even if it's only for a minute. I should explain he broke his phone and now only has a landline which is technically his room mate's and I wait for his call because his room mate is awkward about me calling his phone to speak to James. Anyways, instead of continuing my rant, I should sum this up by saying the almost complete lack of communication is driving me to say forget it. Maybe I'm being crazy or clingy or needy here (probably the case) but, I guess I just thought I would receive more than what he's giving and I don't want to wait forever and hurt myself in the end. Everyone is different but, anyone have thoughts on a generic how long is too long to wait/ how often should we be in contact before it's obvious he's just not that invested?
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago but, over the past 3 weeks we have been spending some time together and when we do, I am the happiest person on earth. We have a great connection, we cuddle, we kiss, and we even go on dates (he admitted the last dinner we had out together was one of the best nights he's had in a long time). Last time we hung out I asked him where he saw this going, be it a friendship or the possibility of getting back together eventually and his response was "just go with the flow, see what happens. See if we can figure out what went wrong and if we can fix it" which is promising. I leave the contact up to him because knowing myself, if I call him once, I will wind up calling him countless times and I want him to have his space to think things through. I know I care deeply for him and I'd love the chance to reconcile as we had a great relationship and a fight that we've both admitted was foolish and really shouldn't have been the end all. But now I find myself depressed and crying if he goes more than a day without calling me and wondering if he's ever going to come back. While all our conversations do seem to suggest he wants this as much as I do, I'm just not sure how long I can keep waiting and wondering. Should I give up and walk away? How long do we figure things out before it becomes apparent that maybe we won't? Advice is welcome because I know I'm needy sometimes and maybe it's my own insecurities making me question this all now
Zahara Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 So, let me get this straight. You guys are sleeping together, playing happy couple and hopefully as you go with the flow, at some point he will then figure out what went wrong and fix it? Instead of taking time apart, finding some introspection as to what went wrong and the roles you both played in the demise of the relationship, figuring ways to change that and then deciding if reconciling could be a possibility? What you're doing is allowing him to have the benefits of a girlfriend without even putting in the effort of working on the relationship, and that means NOW. Going with the flow is just his attempt at pacifying you while he gets to enjoy benefits with you. Someone that wants to work on relationship with you will start working with you right away. They commit. They don't play stall tactics. Stay NC. 6
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 So, let me get this straight. You guys are sleeping together, playing happy couple and hopefully as you go with the flow, at some point he will then figure out what went wrong and fix it? Instead of taking time apart, finding some introspection as to what went wrong and the roles you both played in the demise of the relationship, figuring ways to change that and then deciding if reconciling could be a possibility? What you're doing is allowing him to have the benefits of a girlfriend without even putting in the effort of working on the relationship, and that means NOW. Going with the flow is just his attempt at pacifying you while he gets to enjoy benefits with you. Someone that wants to work on relationship with you will start working with you right away. They commit. They don't play stall tactics. Stay NC. We are not having sex, nothing has gone further than kissing/cuddling. But it may still be a game, I've had mixed reviews from my friends, some saying exactly what you said and some saying he's probably just making sure he and I can get along and change before jumping directly back in. I don't know if that changes your opinion? I've never gotten back with an ex so as to how it works, I'm clueless
xUnknown Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 But now I find myself depressed and crying if he goes more than a day without calling me and wondering if he's ever going to come back. While all our conversations do seem to suggest he wants this as much as I do, I'm just not sure how long I can keep waiting and wondering. I think I saw a thread of yours before, in which I said take it slow and see where it goes. But I think it also depends on how long you two were together before. I think Haydn is right...he isn't making a commitment and just screwing with your head. Give him the ultimatum. 1
Zahara Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 So this was a 3 month relationship. You needed emotional support and he bailed because he didn't know how to deal with it? What happens the next time you need him? Then he waltzes back into your life and says all these sweet things, tells you he hates you when HE walked away, then puts it all on hold because HE wants to go with the flow. The thing is, you both got along with each other before you needed him for emotional support. So you know you can get along, it's just that he could not support you when you needed it. So the issue isn't about getting along, but it's about how you both need to learn how to communicate more effectively. So how does cuddling/kissing for now fix what needs to changed? You have already jumped back in. The fact that you are sad and hurt everytime he doesn't contact you, is a sign that you are invested all over again. You are neither here or there, but he surely knows where he is because this is on his terms. 1
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Thank you Caitlin and everyone who has responded. I do love this man and I do want him back but, I feel like maybe I am giving him too much of my time and energy. Technically I am single and I should go out and do what I want. I just don't know how much of my time to give to him. I don't want him to think I'm moving on completely and there's no hope for him. This weekend we have plans but it's with my friends maybe I will go home alone instead of staying with him. He is a man who doesn't go all emotional unless he truly means what he says so I believe him when he says he loves me and misses me I guess I just don't get why he hasn't just come back completely
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 You're all right and I'm starting to see that. I guess I wrote this post hoping someone out there would confirm what I already knew, it's a game and it's on his terms. I'm going to walk away. If he chases and shows me he truly wants me by making a commitment then I will consider but if he doesn't, I've already started the process of moving on. Thank you
r321148 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 This is clearly doing you no good. You need more of a commitment from him than he's prepared to give you so you need to back off. I'm not sure it's a game but it is on his terms. From what you wrote before he is being cautious and I think I said on your other thread that you should stick it out as long as you're ok with it. You're not ok with it so don't stick it out! You need to do what's best for you here. Too long to wait is as long as it takes for you to have had enough of it. For you that time is now. Good luck
jenn78 Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 hey girl, I'm in a similar situation as well... I also need the commitment piece as well but i understand the need (of both parties) to not jump in blindly... I think you kinda have to set a time frame in your mind and let him know by this date.. you have to know what you want to do here.
Author BritneyLynn Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 Thank you everyone who has responded to this, I took all of your advice to heart and it's been a big help. Today he called and asked to see me, and I agreed. I used the opportunity to express to him a lot of what I've been telling all of you on here, and tell him that I really need an answer as to what we're doing. He admitted that the lack of calls sometimes was to give me the space he thought I needed saying "I don't want to smother you but I am not going anywhere, I don't want to" and I responded by telling him that I'm okay with taking it slow to get back on track but before we continue on the way we have that I need a commitment from him because emotionally it has taken its toll on me. Without hesitation he hugged me, kissed me, and said that yes he wants to be with me. After explaining what we really need from each other we agreed that getting back together was what we both want but, we should see this as a new relationship and try to build something stronger than before. We also decided that if we ever feel ourselves going back down the same path as before, we will talk it out and if need be, call it quits before things turn into another big fight like last time. Thank you all again and fingers crossed this will work out this time. You have all been a great support system even if you're all strangers 5
todreaminblue Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Thank you everyone who has responded to this, I took all of your advice to heart and it's been a big help. Today he called and asked to see me, and I agreed. I used the opportunity to express to him a lot of what I've been telling all of you on here, and tell him that I really need an answer as to what we're doing. He admitted that the lack of calls sometimes was to give me the space he thought I needed saying "I don't want to smother you but I am not going anywhere, I don't want to" and I responded by telling him that I'm okay with taking it slow to get back on track but before we continue on the way we have that I need a commitment from him because emotionally it has taken its toll on me. Without hesitation he hugged me, kissed me, and said that yes he wants to be with me. After explaining what we really need from each other we agreed that getting back together was what we both want but, we should see this as a new relationship and try to build something stronger than before. We also decided that if we ever feel ourselves going back down the same path as before, we will talk it out and if need be, call it quits before things turn into another big fight like last time. Thank you all again and fingers crossed this will work out this time. You have all been a great support system even if you're all strangers i am so glad to have read this thread it is so sweet ...glad you gave him a chance ...wishing you all the best.....deb 1
Greenj30 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Thank you everyone who has responded to this, I took all of your advice to heart and it's been a big help. Today he called and asked to see me, and I agreed. I used the opportunity to express to him a lot of what I've been telling all of you on here, and tell him that I really need an answer as to what we're doing. He admitted that the lack of calls sometimes was to give me the space he thought I needed saying "I don't want to smother you but I am not going anywhere, I don't want to" and I responded by telling him that I'm okay with taking it slow to get back on track but before we continue on the way we have that I need a commitment from him because emotionally it has taken its toll on me. Without hesitation he hugged me, kissed me, and said that yes he wants to be with me. After explaining what we really need from each other we agreed that getting back together was what we both want but, we should see this as a new relationship and try to build something stronger than before. We also decided that if we ever feel ourselves going back down the same path as before, we will talk it out and if need be, call it quits before things turn into another big fight like last time. Thank you all again and fingers crossed this will work out this time. You have all been a great support system even if you're all strangers Im in a similar situation..but goodluck I hope it works out for you! 2
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