Ended beautifully. Now he is being a monster.

[MorbidFever]

We had the typical ups and downs. Plans that foiled due to uncontrollable circumstances. He kept me on the line, I couldn't cut myself off and free myself for months. Couldn't emotionally cope anymore so I ended it for good over a month ago and he was wonderful in understanding. He in fact, ended it a couple times previously, but kept coming back. We both professed our love for each other, how we will always love each other, he was so kind he sent me a very meaningful 'gift' which had me in tears, but I remained strong and simply thanked him. We have not spoken for weeks.

 

He has been acting irrational and is lashing out. First it was trying to infiltrate my Facebook with a fake account. The cryptic messages on his professional page. I continued to ignore. At times he would do hurtful things, but not like he has done recently. I have to hear things from other people in the industry, from people in the same circles. Could I delete and walk away? Sure, but why should I? This is part of my life too.

 

Has anyone had a similar situation? Will he eventually stop? He claimed I was the love of his life, nobody in the world like me, all that fluff. If that is true and that is how he feels, how can he be so damn cruel and mean. I was at peace knowing we severed on good terms and I still do love him more than anything I've loved before. But, I'm a realist and there is no future for us. I was happy feeling he would always care and love me in return. Now I feel so depressed again. And worse, the first time ever I feel like I was used.

[SoleMate]

I believe this is less common than bunny boiling OW but not unknown.

 

Will he eventually stop?

Eventually, sure.

 

He claimed I was the love of his life, nobody in the world like me, all that fluff. If that is true and that is how he feels, how can he be so damn cruel and mean?

When WORDS conflict with ACTIONS, look at the actions to know the truth. Cheating is an action and it is not loving or altruistic or for your benefit - just for his. Stalking, harassing, snarking - again, unloving actions, suited to his needs, and to hell with yours.

 

I was at peace knowing we severed on good terms and I still do love him more than anything I've loved before. But, I'm a realist and there is no future for us.

I'm always glad to hear that kind of clarity.

 

I was happy feeling he would always care and love me in return. Now I feel so depressed again. And worse, the first time ever I feel like I was used.

I understand, and I truly sympathize as this hurts. You WERE used. At this point, were I you, I would learn from this (sounds like you're well into that process) and then just construct whatever personal narrative (for your own mental use only of course) results in the least pain and allows you to move on. "I was a bit naive", "I need to be more self-protective", "I was sincere", "I'll love again", "I'm glad I am able to be honest with myself", "Everyone makes mistakes". That kind of thing. Don't dwell on the hurt, just take the learning and be happy you've got the clarity and facts you need to move on completely.

[Quiet Storm]

He's mad & lashing out because he feels entitled to you. Some of these guys have a HUGE sense of entitlement.

 

Seriously, MorbidFever.... don't you know that you should be falling apart without him, missing him so much that you will do anything just to get his crumbs? You should be understanding of his situation and not make such a big deal about it. His love should be enough to sustain you! How dare you stop meeting his needs! Why don't you want him back yet?!

 

Just joking...but some of them really think like this. You could sacrifice all the perks of having a "real" relationship for years & years, and some will still feel betrayed when you have had enough. Your dreams of having a life together, or a family with the man you love, or spending Christmas morning together should all be sacrificed because he is just so special.

 

Some of them even think "You knew I was married. You still chose to be in a relationship with me. You loved me, talked to me and had sex with me while I was married with NO problem. And now you are taking it away! NOW it's not enough for you? That's so unfair!" Him messing with your life is his way of stomping his feet. You aren't there to witness his displeasure, so he is letting you know in sneaky ways.

 

Most MM aren't introspective enough to stop and consider "Why am I doing this to her? Why am I lashing out at her when I am the one with the problem? Why do I continue to hurt the woman that I let down?" All that matters is his ego- You let him down, you gave up on him...so his ego is hurt. You betrayed him because you no longer want crumbs. Poor MM! (not). It's like that old Cheap Trick song... he wants you to want him, needs you need him, loves for you to love him. It's all about him.

 

They really think that they are so special & important that you should accept the marriage & the limitations of the relationship. They expect you to be loyal, accepting, tolerant, willing, grateful, self sacrificing... and yet feel no responsibility to give any of that to you in return.

 

So just keep ignoring and try to let go of this:

 

I was happy feeling he would always care and love me in return.

 

You don't need his love to feel happy. Your happiness is not dependent on what he is feeling. Your happiness is dependent on YOU! So surround yourself with family & friends... their laughter & love will bring you joy. Do things that you love to do, go places that you love to go. If you can, rescue a dog or cat from a shelter. Live a full life & soon it won't matter what he is feeling. That part of your life will be behind you, and his feelings will be redundant.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[HtotheN]

He's mad & lashing out because he feels entitled to you. Some of these guys have a HUGE sense of entitlement.

 

Seriously, MorbidFever.... don't you know that you should be falling apart without him, missing him so much that you will do anything just to get his crumbs? You should be understanding of his situation and not make such a big deal about it. His love should be enough to sustain you! How dare you stop meeting his needs! Why don't you want him back yet?!

 

Just joking...but some of them really think like this. You could sacrifice all the perks of having a "real" relationship for years & years, and some will still feel betrayed when you have had enough. Your dreams of having a life together, or a family with the man you love, or spending Christmas morning together should all be sacrificed because he is just so special.

 

Some of them even think "You knew I was married. You still chose to be in a relationship with me. You loved me, talked to me and had sex with me while I was married with NO problem. And now you are taking it away! NOW it's not enough for you? That's so unfair!" Him messing with your life is his way of stomping his feet. You aren't there to witness his displeasure, so he is letting you know in sneaky ways.

 

Most MM aren't introspective enough to stop and consider "Why am I doing this to her? Why am I lashing out at her when I am the one with the problem? Why do I continue to hurt the woman that I let down?" All that matters is his ego- You let him down, you gave up on him...so his ego is hurt. You betrayed him because you no longer want crumbs. Poor MM! (not). It's like that old Cheap Trick song... he wants you to want him, needs you need him, loves for you to love him. It's all about him.

 

They really think that they are so special & important that you should accept the marriage & the limitations of the relationship. They expect you to be loyal, accepting, tolerant, willing, grateful, self sacrificing... and yet feel no responsibility to give any of that to you in return.

 

So just keep ignoring and try to let go of this:

 

 

 

You don't need his love to feel happy. Your happiness is not dependent on what he is feeling. Your happiness is dependent on YOU! So surround yourself with family & friends... their laughter & love will bring you joy. Do things that you love to do, go places that you love to go. If you can, rescue a dog or cat from a shelter. Live a full life & soon it won't matter what he is feeling. That part of your life will be behind you, and his feelings will be redundant.

 

This is one of the most supportive, uplifting and dead-on balls accurate posts I have seen on LS. Kudos.

[MorbidFever]

Thank you so much, SoleMate and Quiet Storm. You are both so right on.

 

Quiet Storm - I was laughing about the falling apart part. It's so true and certainly puts things into perspective. That is exactly what it was, crumbs in exchange for admiration and love. So pathetic.

 

I guess I am hurt, because of the animosity. I know time will continue to make me stronger. I guess I'm just currently naive, in thinking things would remain peaceful between us. We have approximately 100 mutuals on Facebook alone and he just posted something about how he is thinking of getting implants. So childish and vindictive. I think he wants to get a message across to mutuals, not only me. He has twice trashed people publicly after he found out I was friends with one and went to see another perform. Another guy he thought I was interested in..he messaged this man and told him we are in love and will be coming out soon as a couple. Ha! So self-serving. Entitled and a big sociopath. Never considering once how his actions could affect me or possibly have people distance themselves from me as he is so unstable. Yet, I still love him. Ugh.

 

The Cheap Trick song is so perfect

 

Thank you both again for making me feel much better about this.

[thecharade]

Oh, yes. This is exactly what he did to me. I saw glimpses of his blame/anger when we tried to end things a couple times, but now that we are completely done, I know he copes by hating me for "making him love me." (He said that once.)

 

Partly this is victim mentality and it pi$$es me off.

Partly anger is a normal stage in grief.

Partly it was always going to be our fault, even more so if there is a dday as the BS wants and needs the MM to hate us for what we "helped him do to his family."

 

I finally accepted the cruel truth: I was going to be blamed no matter what.

 

I believe there are victims in all this, but the only person that I cannot see as a victim no matter how hard I try is the cake eating MM. The BS is always a victim--period. Any attempts to blame her/him are ridiculous and allow the WS to play helpless. But the OP is often a victim, too--accepting an emotional and/or physical relationship that they believe to be genuine, but it was really with someone who KNEW they had no right or long term plans to give it. Unfair. (Some APs are players and pursuers, but this is not the norm. Most are genuinely in love, and blaming people for loving "someone who is M" is as cruel and misguided as blaming a BS.) There is almost always ONE person who is not a victim, one person who deserves to be blamed: the one who wanted it all.

 

As a by the by, if you read enough on post-dday infidelity, you find a lot of MM/MW get very angry at the BS too, even though they don't want a D! They are so angry when they can't have everything and everyone they want! I will never understand cake eaters. This type of loving/wanting everyone makes no psychological sense to me.