And sometimes it works out the other way

[GreySkyMorning]

It's been 8 months since dday. So, 8 months since he went in one day from "I love you, I want to be with you, I'm divorcing her" to "don't ever contact me again, I don't love you". Every promise he ever made me was immediately voided and it was just over like that. Then there was the back and forth of contact, no contact, contact, yadda yadda. We hooked back up a few months later for sex, the W found out (he told on himself by mistake, but I have a feeling he smoothed it over and didnt tell the whole truth), and its been twisted up since then. We tried the being friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

 

I dated around, tried to get over him that way, tried solitude, tried hiding under blankets, drank him away a couple times, you name it. It obviously didn't work. The only thing that worked was time, honesty with myself, and in a lot of ways, the continued contact with him. The time gave me distance from the situation. Honesty with myself is that there were times that I behaved horribly, that I did things that compromised who I am as a person, that he didn't make me do any of these things, it was always my choice. I could have walked away, but I chose not to. I loved him and I believed him, wanted to believe him and every word he said to me. Honesty is that I had a huge amount of my own issues to deal with, like self esteem and self worth, neither of which I had much of the whole time. If I had, I would never have been in the whole situation to start with. True fact. I would have said no and walked away. I would have said I am NOT someone's second choice and I am worth so much more than that. I would have said if you love me the way you say you do, then actions are required, not words. I wouldnt have sacrificed and threw my ownself under the bus for nothing but crumbs in return. But I didn't.

 

Did he love me? I think he did, in his own way. His actions certainly never matched up to his words though. I think in the end, he loved himself and his lifestyle more. I dont know. I only have his actions to go by and they say I was a dispensable person to him and not someone he was willing to fight or sacrifice anything for in the end.

 

It's been hard since then. Anyone can say what they want about affairs, but I didn't go into it to be a homewrecker. I loved him, plain and simple. I would have given him anything, done anything for him. Although he'd tell you different now. That rewriting the relationship part doesn't just happen to the marriage. To hear him now, I never trusted him, made him feel like I didnt really want him, made him doubt my love, pushed him away, etc.

 

Today, we're kinda friends, but not really. I'm the friend that still has to be a secret. I'm not allowed to be on his Facebook or see anything like that. He can't tell anyone that we speak, of course. He can't acknowledge that he has any contact with me. He can't publicly congratulate me or express concern. He can't do anything but be a text buddy, in other words. So thats what he is. That's what he chose. It's not enough for me and it's wearing thin. It isn't hard to figure out who your real friends are, who's really there for you and who can't be. I don't have any other friends that operate in the same capacity as him. That says something to me. He is the only friend I have that I couldn't pick up the phone and call at 10pm Halloween night when I was in a wreck. The only one...

 

As a side note, I did the dating around desperately to replace him, then I did the avoiding men thing. I'd met a man online about July and we'd exchanged a couple of emails, when he told me that another woman had messaged him the day before I did the first time and he'd agreed to meet her. He didn't feel it was fair to date both of us at the same time and since she'd messaged him first, he was going to meet her. Thought I'd never hear from him again. He message me a month ago to see if I still wanted to meet. He said the other woman was a great person, that they just didnt really click, and he had told her he was going to date someone else instead. So we've been dating for a month now. It's been nice, very nice. It's hard not to compare relationships. He doesn't text me as much as xmm did. But thats because he's usually calling me if he wants to talk. He doesn't even like texting. He doesn't gush about how beautiful I am or special or whatever all the time. I do miss that. But its just words. He shows me in actions that he's thinking about me. He brings me coffee to my job at 3am and sits with me. I've met his daughter already several times. It's different. It's quiet and comfortable and feels safe. I texted him about my wreck and he called me within thirty seconds. He was out if town working, but I think if he'd been in town, he would have shown up that quick instead. He then took off work the next day so he could be with me if I needed anything.

 

I'm not rushing anything. I'm too scared to do that anyway. I actually almost pushed him away. After the second date, I could tell I was kinda withdrawing from him and keeping him at a distance. My friend caught me doing it too. He chewed me out. "Grace, this guy has everything you ever wanted in a man and he thinks you hung the moon. What is wrong with you?? Give him a chance before he finds someone who will." And he was right. There was still part of me so hung up on xmm that I was going to let this great person walk away from me instead of opening up.

 

Something changed in me. Yes, I still love xmm and probably always will. I love me too though. I want more than what I had with him. We had fire and passion and intensity and connection and all that good stuff, definitely. And yes, we had love. But we didn't have security or comfort. We didnt have time. We didn't have safety. We didn't have anything "real". It was all just in that little space between him and I. He never met my family, other than my kids. I never met any of his. He'd been to my house, but I didn't even know his address. I'd put my life on hold waiting for the day we'd be together, while he was living his life fully. He wasn't waiting for anything.

 

The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" isn't true. Absense only makes the fondness fade. And I realize it's possible to have that passion and good times with someone else too. The first time this single guy and I were together, I was disappointed. It was good, but the intensity wasnt there like I'd had with xmm. However, he changed all that the second time. :-D Passion, fun, quietness, comfort, ease....I'm liking this so far.

 

I don't miss xmm like I used to anymore. He's been gone for so long that I'm used to it now. He made it easy for me to get comfortable with him not being there anymore. I guess when I was so torn up about losing him and he was hurting me all the time, it made it easier to lose those feelings. I'm not sure that makes much sense. People come to expect what you consistently give them.

 

So, there's my update...

[bentleychic]

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you now. Good luck with the new guy and I hope that your heart can mend completely from the situation with the exMM.

[imfine]

Sounds like you are on the road to healing and moving on. That's huge!! However I caution you about having any type of relationship with xMM. First, he's married. It's inappropriate to text a married man, especially with your history. You know this, but I want you to think about what could happen if your new fella picked up your phone and saw the texts with your xMM. Second, you know any contact with xMM just stalls your healing. It also will not allow you to fully open up to your new guy. You've already realized xMM isn't really a friend. Stop the texting madness. Best of luck in your new relationship.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It sounds like you have used this time well. Keep growing.

 

I would challenge you to define love. You state that there was love. Then listed all the things that were missing. So, was it love then?

 

Love is so much more than passion. That is why the word passion exists...it isnt love.

 

I love the quiet. I mean, I really, really do. The easy of just being is the best feeling in the world.

 

It also looks like you are starting to see this new dynamic for what it is as well, not even friends...not in the true meaning of the word. Then what is it, besides just an anchor around your neck.

 

I wish you well in your new relationship.

[whichwayisup]

You sound like you're in a much better, happier and healthier place.

I'm happy to read this update.

[ladydesigner]

This is a wonderful update Grey! So happy things are starting to look up. It seems you have done a lot of reflecting and made healthy changes to your life. Great news!

[Snowflower]

I

As a side note, I did the dating around desperately to replace him, then I did the avoiding men thing. I'd met a man online about July and we'd exchanged a couple of emails, when he told me that another woman had messaged him the day before I did the first time and he'd agreed to meet her. He didn't feel it was fair to date both of us at the same time and since she'd messaged him first, he was going to meet her. Thought I'd never hear from him again. He message me a month ago to see if I still wanted to meet. He said the other woman was a great person, that they just didnt really click, and he had told her he was going to date someone else instead. So we've been dating for a month now. It's been nice, very nice. It's hard not to compare relationships. He doesn't text me as much as xmm did. But thats because he's usually calling me if he wants to talk. He doesn't even like texting. He doesn't gush about how beautiful I am or special or whatever all the time. I do miss that. But its just words. He shows me in actions that he's thinking about me.

 

This new guy sounds like a keeper. How classy, respectful and kind he was to give the first woman who contacted him a chance and then when that didn't work out, he still looked you up.

 

This is an example of the type of respect every woman deserves from a guy. I hope your new relationship works out.

 

Of course he doesn't text as much as xMM, because he can actually call you and talk to you. No sneaking off to text. And really, texting can be a whole lot of words and messages that mean absolutely nothing.

 

Its nice to read your update, GreySkyMorning, and I love your screen name. Best of luck to you!