Does he want me back or not?

[nan]

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and we broke up about 6 weeks ago. This will be the second time we broke up now. They have both been for the same reasons ( he doesn't feel like he's good enough for me, he doesn't want a commitment to anybody, he doesn't know what he wants). Last time we broke up he came crawling back within a month and we talked frequently when we were broken up.

 

This time that we broke up it's different. Immediately after we broke up he ran away to his friends house and we didn't talk to each other for a week and a half. Then when he came back we talked almost everyday that week. It was very emotional though and it was straining on us. So he ran away to his dad's house this time for a week. He called me out of the blue on the way home from his dad's house and said that he needed to see me that day. So I went to see him and he said that he didn't know what came over him, he was so sorry for breaking up with me, he was still in love with me, he needed me, he knew he had some things to work through but he didn't want to do it without me, ect. Oh, and he bought me an engagement/promise that I put on my other hand when we broke up that he put back on my ring finger.

 

This was Thanksgiving weekend and we spent all weekend together. Towards the end of the weekend he started acting very weird and I said, "you're regretting your decision to be back together." He insisted that he wasn't, but we ended up breaking up again because he said he wasn't ready YET. I asked him if he would ever be ready and he said he doesn't know. He'll say things like I love you more than you'll ever know, you just don't know how much I love you, I'm still in love with you, I said I wish everything could just be alright and he would come over to my house and surprise me and everything would be alright and he said he wants the same thing, you're the best girl in the whole wide world, I can't imagine life without you. But then he'll also say things like I think we should just be be friends right now, I don't want a commitment, I'm not good enough for you, I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

So I tried all of the begging, pleading, ect. Basically making myself look like an idiot. One day I woke up and decided not to be an idiot anymore and I asked him to meet me. He agreed and we went to talk. I said that I loved him, I always have an I always will, but I can't do this anymore. And if this was goodbye, I didn't want there to be any negative feelings or having the last time I see him to treat him bad. I can't just sit around wondering if you're coming back and I'm not really sure that I could be his friend because it hurt too much. I said I'm doing this because I know that's what you want. But he said that it's not what he wants. I said that I feel like he wants me to just go away forever and not come back. He said that part of him wants that, but at the same time he really wants me there. He has really bad anxiety attacks, and all this talk made him have one. So he said that he needed to go home and take this medication and can we talk about this later. I told him no because I didn't feel like it would help or that there's anything else to say. So I drove him home.

 

When we got there he turns to me and says, you know that I really do love you. I said I know. Then he just sat there and I wouldn't look at him. I waited for a while and said, I think you should go. He kept sitting there, and he said can we talk about this later. I just said I think you should go. And he kept looking at me, and wouldn't leave so I said I think you should go. So he finally got out of the car and left. Like he was waiting for me to beg him to stay again. I only know 2 people who call me from anonymous numbers, him and my best friend. I asked my best friend if she called and said maybe but if you don't answer I always call your cell phone, so it wasn't her. I'm 99% sure that it was him that called me like 2 days after this. Mind you he hasn't called since we broke up and I had to do all the calling. I never called back and just wanted some cooling off time so that next time I talked to him I wouldn't be so upset. I still haven't talked to him but I tried to call him today and he ran away somewhere again. It's been almost 2 weeks now.

 

So I guess what I'm wondering is do you think there's a chance of us getting back together? I feel so many mixed messages from him. And does anybody understand him and what he's thinking? I want to be back together very much so and am wondering what to do. Thanks!

[cracker4200]

it sounds like he likes(or loves) you , but isnt quite sure what he wants. i don tknow how old you are, but if your young, then i think thats normal. i dont know if you should get back together though. it sounds like your just going to hurt your self again. if he tries to get back together with you, if you want to give him another chance, then tell him that this is it, no more games. tell him that you dont like him messing with your head and if he does it again then hes done.

you dont have to do that if you dont want, but thats what i woudl do in your situation, even though it may be hard and hurt, but itll hurt alot less than his games.

[moon]

If you had really wanted to be with him in the first place I probably wouldn't have called him and gone through the trouble of telling him that you're not contacting him anymore and you can't be his friend and all that. It might have been better if you had just left it alone. Maybe not called or said anything and waited to see if he came back wanting to be with you. Now you have gone out of your way to say that you don't really want him in your life. I think when anybody hears that (if they are being realistic about life) they sort of move away mentally from that person, thinking they (you in this case) are telling them the actual truth. Before you were begging to get back together with him, which also didn't seem to work so well. It seems like the last talk you should have had with him was to tell him (calmly) that you do in fact want to be with him, that you do love him, that you will be there for him when he's ready, but you realize he has to make up his own mind about what he wants. Then you might have said I am going to give you the time to do that, call me when you figure things out. Now this would have left you probably on pins and needles for a while (and it would only really be affective if you followed through and didn't go back begging), but at least you would have said that you want him and not the opposite.

 

So.......it seems like you were sort of playing games. He sounds like he's done a lot of that too. But just by me saying this you might get yourself into a frenzy and think....I NEED to beg again. But once again......if you have the opportunity to talk to him I wouldn't beg, plead or do anything that makes you feel bad. I would honestly and openly tell him how you feel about him minus the games. Don't turn it into melodrama and if he walks away, he walks away.

 

Anyway, hindsight is 20/20 so I am sure you yourself have regrets. But I wouldn't allow yourself to get into an all out frenzy about this. You made your mistake going on both ends of the spectrum. I'd just sort of meet yourself in the middle and calmly write a letter or something saying I thought about this some more and realized I still want to be with you, what do you think? I won't rush you...I won't beg. I won't call. Ball's in your court dude.

[alphamale]

this guy is either a very immature 17 yr old or he is not taking his psychiatric medications.

[strange love]

Ok

 

Heres my take. He sounds very sweet. He did admit he has made mistakes and that takes a big man to do that.

 

But he does flip flop and that is very unappealing. Well babe. You could play it like this, you want to talk to him but he isnt phoning do you have an excuse to phone him??

Ie oh I just needed to ask you about this.. oh right by the way how are you ..oh you dont know about that.. hmm ok gotta ok.. example

 

Or you just wait for him to call you.. gee I wonder if lol (canned laughter) if my ex is doing the same as you waiting for me to email, lol well maybe I will shall see.

 

Now another point.. ok great 3 years he proposed etc.. he did it on his own thats amazing. Or have you been prompting him?

 

Wheter or not you guys are married you are still together..in fact I would play like this sister. Basically hang out with him etc but dont play the commitment card, let him do it and when he does its your turn to play the nah sorry I am not ready for that I had to time to reasess my life etc... this will make him concerned about losing you..

 

1. cause i guarrentee he will call

2. He will play that card if you dont

3. Its ok to call him if you have an excuse

4. bet you he will call soon

 

5. keep me posted

 

strange love

[nan]

Strange love:

 

 

Well, he ran away to his dad's house last week. He just came home yesterday and when he got home he immediately called me to tell me happy birthday (even though it's a little late, my birthday was on monday.) He kept asking me what I was doing, implying that he wanted to see me. So I picked him up and we hung out for about an hour and a half. We didn't do anything fun, just went to pick up his computer from the place where it was getting fixed and then took his sister to work. We had a lot of fun, laughing, talking. We have a business opportunity that I ran by him that my dad wants him to help with. It's in another state and we would be living in the same house with my brother. He kept saying how I had to stay with him in the house and he didn't want to stay alone. I kept telling him that he was a big boy and if I decided to stay somewhere else, I'm sure he would be okay. Then after running our errands, I took him straight home not acting like I still needed to see him or anything. Then out of nowhere he gave me a big hug and said "I'll call you later." I think this new strategy is working. Hope so.

[strange love]

I dont really have any thing much to comment on here. Sounds good ie he is calling you. I guess you wait to hear from him, of course not sitting by the phone (thats a no-no) You had fun together, thats important.

 

Update me when you have more to say.

 

strangelove

[nan]

Strange love:

 

Is him still being friends with me my second chance? Or is it too hard for him to lose me so he won't, but he's not intersted in coming back? I think that us being friends is a good thing, but at the same time, if being friends is going good, does this mean that he won't want to ruin that and come back? I think it's very hard to still be friends with someone you're in love with, so is this just as hard for him? Or do I have to make him afraid of losing me in order to get him back? 3 years is a long time to be in love with someone and then all of a sudden become friends, if he really wanted it to be over wouldn't he just go away? Very confused.....

[smile]

Boy do I know how you feel. I am pretty much in the same boat. Everyone here has some idea of how he feels but remember you knew him so much for three years.. and you have seen what is up now...be honest with yourself, what do you think he feels?

 

I think he is confused. I don't think he wants to hurt you but I don't think he wants to hurt either. Sometimes guys think if it isnt hurting them and you don't wig out then it isnt hurting you either. Be honest with him.

 

I have no idea about the being busy game. What I do know is everytime I do it he inches a bit closer. Who knows what that means tho.. I mean for how long ya know?

 

I don't have any real advice or anything.... I just wanted to let you know it isn't just your guy. He may just be stubborn. I mean he made a decision that hurt you when he broke up with you. If he takes it back doesn't that make him a super jerk (in his head) and if he did have a good reason then maybe he is too afraid to make it look like he made a mistake. It's like some guys don't understand that a break can be a good thing.. they think if it didnt work it didnt work and it wont the end... but inside he may wish that it could...

 

I have no real insight.. just a note to let you know " i feel your pain" hang in there sweetie.

[strange love]

I think being friends is one thing, but he hugs you. Theres the not leaving. Theres the wanting you to be with him etc.... and is he seeing anyone else?

I wish we could talk on MSN or yahoo but how do we send that user_id back n forth?

I sort of like my anonymity on here.

Has he called you lately? any updates? I think u are doing just fine

 

strangelove

[nan]

No he is not seeing anyone else. I haven't talked to him since Friday but that's not really that long. I talked to him about going to see Christmas lights later on in the week because there is a neighborhood around me that does the "Griswold Family Christmas" so to speak. We both like those kind of things. I don't need to see him and talk with him everyday, so I mean it's not like I expected him to call me within 2 days or did the whole waiting by the phone thing. He said he would call and he is good with his word, so he will call soon. We will probably talk closer to us actually going to see the lights. I guess I just have to enjoy his company and leave it at that. I'm just so done with talking about "things" and the way things are ect. I know how he feels about me and I know that he knows how I feel about him. I just want to enjoy him as a person and the way things are right now aren't ideal, but I do love him and treating him crappy or begging him to come back are not helpful, nor are they the way that I feel. I'm just hoping that acting happy, normal whatever will make things less stressful, and maybe he'll come around. Who really knows? Will keep you posted and talk again soon. Thanks for everything!

[nan]

Ok, in one of my postings, I said that I met with my ex to tell him how I was feeling and goodbye. I think that it was quite clear from the converation that I didn't want to let him go, but since this was his choice, I would have to let him go. I told him I loved him and then I said goodbye. He wanted to discuss it further at a later time, but I said I felt there was nothing left to say and I let him go, although he seemed very much like he didn't want to go (I basically had to boot him out of the car, and he said that he really does love me). So if it was clear that it was goodbye unless he changed his mind, is he just stringing me along or does he really care and he really doesn't think it's over between us?

[strange love]

Hi Nan

 

Im wondering is that short form for something? Do you know what naan bread is? I think of that when i see your name its super tasty... I usually have it with indian food fresh and hot from the restaurants kitchen

 

When people dont say things you have to look at actions. His actions dont really show someone who is intent on stringing you along. I was thinking about something else

right now things are very nice between the two of you. Perhaps he feels bringing the relationship element into again it will change things.

I was going to say its probably ok to call him too, especially if he is doing all the calling.

I intend to get some books and maybe take a class or something so I can understand more of what is going on.... I can only think about my own self and my actions and kind of compare them to his. I keep thinking of datingtips.com when i talk about things like NC or being aloof or what have you its this dating tip website for men it talks about being cocky etc.. maybe go check it out, it can work for women as well...

Check out my thread as something happened this evening with my situation..and any advice is welcome..

 

strangelove

[nan]

Strange love:

 

My ex called me this morning I guess just to say hi. I was at my dad's house hanging out with my brother and sister so I felt that I couldn't give him a real conversation so I asked if I could call him back later, he said yes. When I got home I called and just asked what he was doing ect. He said not much, but he thinks he has come down with the flu. (Not sure why he didn't mention this earlier, maybe cause I seemed busy.) So I asked him if he wanted to come over and watch a movie, he declined saying he really felt crappy and he didn't want to get me sick. He asked if we could watch it later on in the week. I immediately felt like an idiot for asking him over and then getting rejected so I made up some lame excuses that it was Christmas week and I would be busy, and I was helping my brother get his car ready for painting ect. He seemed like he felt bad about it, but didn't push it too hard, just a well maybe we can hang out later in the week depending on what you're doing. I asked him if he still wanted to go see Christmas lights on Thursday and he said yes and added maybe we could watch the movie that day. I still made up excuses like oh well after that it will probably be late, plus the movie just came out so by then it will probably be all rented out and we couldn't get it anyways, maybe next week. Plus my brother and I are going Christmas shopping on Thursday so he will probably be with me all day, I don't want to ditch him, but at the same time I just want to watch the movie with my ex (not because I'm hoping for anything to happen, more of a I just want to spend some quality time with him and my undivided attention.)I feel so dumb like I'm playing games. I want to seem like I want to see him and talk to him, but also busy at the same time. I do, however, think he is really sick and he is kind of a baby when it comes to getting sick and milks it for all it's worth, I know this about him. So not sure what any of this means. Maybe I'm overanylzing it (I'm very good at that) and maybe it's just that he really is sick, but at the same time I still feel like it's him not wanting to see me........not really sure.

 

nan

[strange love]

Ohhhhhh boy

 

Well sometimes its easy to take being aloof too far.

 

I would send him a get well e-card. I hope you guys are still looking at the lights.. and then that day out of the blue if its going well maybe you guys can do the movie thing..

 

Then you could lay out some hints that watching a movie is what you want to do, and see if he picks up on it ... you know how to do that without outright asking right?

 

Dont be too harsh on him he called and he offered to hang out after the lights... so throw him a bone on this one, but maybe make him work a little bit

 

Ok toodles for now I am off for thai food

 

strangelove

[nan]

Yesterday I spent the day with my ex. Oh, and I found out that he really was very sick and even had to go to the doctor because his glands got so swollen. Anyways, my brother, myself and him first went to get my dad's present. Then he had to go home for a while because his brother needed him to watch his nephew. He was very sad about this, but he still went home to do it. Turns out that his nephew was able to go to be with his grandpa instead. So now normally when things like that happen he'll just say screw it and not come back to see me again. It seems like if there's any obstacles, he'll just let them get in the way. But he called right away and he came back out with my brother and I to finish Christmas shopping.

 

So we went shopping for my sister, and my best friend. The whole time that we were out, he kept on finding reasons to touch me, put his arm around me or flirt with me. He also kept on looking from my eyes to my lips anytime that we were talking. I knew he wouldn't kiss me though because he was very concerned with getting me sick. He even went as far as telling me how everyone was staring at me because "I was hot or something." It was just a really good day. Then when I took him home he gave me a really long hug and said that he was glad to see me and was rubbing my back.

 

It seems like everything is going so well right now that it makes me worried. I know I want to be with him and I'm worried that maybe he's just doing this stuff to keep me around. At the same time, maybe he's really wanting to do it and it's kind of a signal that maybe things between us are possible. Days like yesterday seem like they are so perfect, but then they put new questions into your head.

 

This may sound dumb, but one day I was like will someone give me a signal about whether or not I should just give up, and then within 2 hours he called me. So I didn't really think much of it. Then a few days later, I just said I'm not sure if that was my signal or not, but can you give me a really clear signal, and not but an hour later, he called. I'm not sure if this is just a very very odd coincidence, or if it's meant to be, but I think that it's very weird.

 

That's all for now.

 

Nan

[sean001]

Ok I admit I'm coming to this a bit late, but I just had to tell you that reading your situation gives me echos of what I went through 7 years ago with a girl I dated for about 4-5 years. So I am going to tell you what I think needs to happen based on my experience.

 

The problem is -- he doesn't know what he wants -- still. I know that feeling. But the truth is, he's not going to know whether or not he WANTS you until he has LOST you. Up until now, he has not LOST you. You're both still together as far as I'm concerned, even though it's rocky and weird. I'm not sure how long this extended "breakup" has been going on, but, truthfully, you haven't broken up you've only been TALKING about breaking up and trying to act like "friends" or whatever. This emotional bond needs to be broken. He hasn't had enough time away from you to make an informed decision about what life is like without you. It's time you let him experience what he needs to.

 

Even if tomorrow he comes back and says forever, I wouldn't put faith in it. There is something he needs to address within himself, and he won't be able to until you're GONE. He needs to grieve your loss and feel TRULY, DEEPLY what it is like to be without you before he will know. It's big. You have to let him go, but based on everything I've read, my opinion is that the situation won't change if you go back now, and 3 years from now (or probably less than that) he will be feeling the same confused, unsure way.

 

He will begin to feel the pain of your loss and he will call you. You will feel the same and be tempted to find comfort in each other. DO NOT GIVE INTO THIS. Neither of you have identified the problem that has led to your breakup and you both need time away from each other in order to do so. Do not let the fear of pain propel you back.

 

It takes time to get over a long relationship. 3 years is long, but it's not a lifetime. Don't talk for 6 months to a year. If he calls you and says he has made a mistake, don't believe him until it has been this long. It will give you (and him) a perspective you both need. Right now, you're both fighting the inevitable pain of losing each other. What you haven't realized is that it's already been lost. Let it happen and only then will you be able to try this again. Right now, all you risk is bitterness. Save your relationship by ending it. Trust me -- he will never forget you, ever.

[strange love]

Hey

Liked your reference to miracle on 34th street..

 

You know what. That nc stuff is ok but at some point you have to deal with things. If things are going ok then why the need for it.

 

However it doenst hurt to spice things up a bit as relationships get boring. You seem like you are going through a renaissance

 

You talk about signs ok heres a few for you

 

Well theres a commercial on tv right now and it has 3 stockings and the midle one has my name on it and the one to the right has my exes name

 

Rode by places on the transit... more then a few have her name

 

I could add more weirdness in

 

Anyways tasty indian bread hope you are well.

[nan]

I know that I need to let him figure out what he wants, and give it time and everything. Sometimes I think that no communication is better and sometimes not. I just know that things right now are very idle and they don't seem to be getting better or worse. I'm very impatient as a person and just wish that they would move one way or the other so I can move on. But I guess you can't push things.

 

I gave him his present a few days before Christmas and he called me Christmas morning to tell me thank you. He told me what it was that he got sick with, mono. So I immediately had to make fun of him and say that he got the kissing disease. He said that he thinks he got it form someone in his family and added,"like I've been kissing my brother" like he wanted to make sure that I knew he wasn't kissing anyone else. Then things got quiet so I made jokes to ease the tension. It seemed not so much like it was working so I said I had to go before things got too weird.

 

It seems like he has more to say when he calls that he can't quite say. Or he only calls because he thinks that's what I want. Or he calls just to hear my voice, but doesn't really have much to say. I still can't bring myself to call him, he does all of the calling. I just think if he puts out the effort, I should give him the time of day. It's not like I wait around, or seem overly excited to talk. I'm also always the first to go. THings are just awkward.

 

I hope that things get better soon. I know that the way they are going now is not that easy. I think back sometimes to how it was before I was with him and all the guys I dated and guys I hung out with. (For some reason most of my freinds are guys, we just connect better I guess.) And I wasn't that heart broken when they left, and I'm not afraid of being alone. It's just something about him that makes me want to stay. I know he's not afriad of being alone either. He was alone for a while before we even met. I get that question often, are you afraid of being alone or without him. I know I'm not afraid of being alone.

 

I got this new cd for Christmas. It's someone who is part of my favorite group. He's like the ultimate genius and he wrote the most beautiful song. Everytime I listen to it I think of it as my ex saying it to me. It's called Here For You off of the Oliver Hart CD, in case anyonew was wondering. Just some of the lines in the song are the exact things that we used to say to each other. I guess you just have to hear the song, but there's something about it that made everything alright.

 

I realized something too. He used to always say that he felt like I never knew how much he loved me. And I would always say sure I do. But I never really believed him. I never really knew how much he loved me. It sounds weird but this song showed me. We share the same love for music and this type of music. The things that he would tell me, and then to hear someone else say them in this song and put them all in prospective for me. It's like I realize how much he loved me, how much he was there for me and how I never even realized it and took it for granted. It also shows me that all this time I thought he didn't care and this breakup was just like whatever to him, it's not true. He's just not good at showing it, and doesn't want to.

 

Anyways, I guess I saw this song as another "sign" and it just made everything alright. So things are weird between us and I hope something changes soon. The way they are now really (for a lack of a better word) suck.

[nan]

Well, today I was just thinking to myself that I wished my ex would either just go away or come back. I thought that I wish I could just be shown what to do and in need of guidance. When I got home, I had been here for maybe about a half an hour when he called me.

 

I missed the call and didn't call back. It just seems like everytime I'm ready to give up hope and am wishing for some type of "sign" he calls. I also am relishing in the fact that he broke up with me, which would normally mean that I would be doing all of the calling, yet he always calls me.

 

I used to do all of the calling when we first broke up. Ever since I gave him the "goddbye talk," I haven't called. That was about a month ago. He's been calling me ever since. I just love the fact that he is chasing me now. I don't think I will call today or tommarrow, maybe Thursday when I'm free.

[nan]

Okay, so he called me on Tuesday and Wednesday. Why so persistant? I called him back today but I'm thinking that he ran away for a while again to visit his dad. Normally he'll call, then give it a few days to call back. I don't understand. Someone tell me what the hell is up?

 

I mean, he broke up with me, I don't ever call him, it's seems like the times that we talk now are kinda weird. So why does he call me 2 days in a row and then leave. Maybe to think about it all. I don't know!! Any thoughts?

 

Nan

[smile]

Maybe he was planning on going somewhere or doing soemthing and he called you every day before that to see what you thought or to tell you. Who knows with boys.

 

Like you said to me, give it some time. But its so hard I know. Boy do I know.

 

Call or txt him on new years or something. But you are trying to stay busy and not call him.. so maybe he is doing the same thing. I dont know.. I would've called him back after the second call.

 

But thats just me. He may have had something he wanted to say or whatever. I dont know .. I am sick and the NYQuil has kicked in.. blech.

 

take care...

[nan]

Man do holidays suck!

 

I just miss him being around. I haven't even seen him lately, but me and him have some weird connection that's beyond contact. Like I know how he's feeling even when I'm not around him, and I can tell that he's having a really hard time lately. So am I now.

 

My very best friend in the whole world is moving away in about 4 hours, so I had to say goodbye to her. Man did I cry. Those are the times that he's supposed to be there to hold me and tell me it's alright. I know he wants to be here, but he can't.

 

So I've just lost two of the most important people, I'm a wreck!! I can't even go cry to my best friend anymore. I'm feeling very alone right now.

 

Nan

[_Saffy_]

hey nan,

 

<hugz for you>

 

 

it sucks doesnt it? a new year and already things are looking hopeless. i know that feeling well.

 

just know that we are here for you if you need to vent, or if ya need a cyber shoulder )

[strange love]

Hey NAN

 

You asked me to look at your posts.

 

I think if you miss him you should call and be upfront about how you are feeling right now....

 

Sometimes it helps to just be upfront about your feelings..

 

Thats about it.

 

ciao