Does he want me back or not?

[nan]

My thinking is getting the best of me right now. I haven't talked to him for a week, which really isn't that long, but it's given me time to think. I'm just wondering if I'm blowing this way out of proportion and having false hopes here. I mean, I would like to believe that he calls me because he wants to, or maybe even because it's kinda like my second chance, but what if that's not it. What if he calls because he thinks it's what I want, or just because he's so used to being around me, using me, or just in his moment of weakness.

 

I mean I know that people always want what they don't have and are afraid to lose something. But sometimes I just wish that when I had our "goodbye" talk he just would stop calling and go away. I mean I think I made it pretty clear that I just didn't want to try to be friends if that's all it ever was going to be. Maybe I didn't make myself clear. To me I sound pathetic right now.

 

But he already knows that I'm not going to put up with his leading me on sh*t. So I don't understand why he flirts with me, tells me I'm hot, calls me, basically pursues me. Or am I just in denial and this isn't really him pursuing me. Do I just want it to be so I think that it is? It's not like he calls me all the time, but he does call usually once or twice a week.

 

I'm in a constant battle with my head and my heart as I know we all are, because sometimes I just want to tell him to f*ck off, and sometimes I just want him to be here to hug. I'm getting mixed comments, some say to call or tell him how I feel, others say to just not talk to him for a while. When we first broke up and I did all the "I love you" begging dumb stuff, it didn't work. But I know that he already knows how I feel about him. It would be like beating a dead horse to just keep telling him. And now when I don't call and act all stand-offish, sure he calls, sure we get to talk, but it's weird, complicated, and I feel like Im' trying too hard to be stand-offish. I guess you would call me an extremist, one extreme to the next.

 

I know that he loves me, after we broke up he said that he realized that he was still in love with me, and even came back for a minute. He even said that he wishes he could just come back and everything would be alright again. He said that he WANTS to come back, but doesn't know how. This kinda sounds like feading me a line. I'm really getting pissed at him and myself, I really feel like just giving up hope, but at the same time I won't let myself. Gosh I'm annoying!

 

I just hate the place we are in right now. It's like what I'm doing isn't working either, so what do I do? And what are his intentions here?

 

Nan

[nan]

Just something that made me think. My mom and I were shopping and we happened to go to the DVD section (looking for Napolean Dynamite, off topic) and I saw Pee Wee's playhouse. This is what my ex wanted for Christamas, but I didn't get him. I told my mom and she just laughed. Then I saw Punky Brewster. I picked it up and was like, "hey mom remember when I was younger and I wanted to be like her so bad." She just said, "Oh yes I remember." Then I said ,"and that was ******(my ex's) first crush ever." And she says, "you two fools are meant for each other."

 

I always thought that we were meant for each other, but I've never heard anyone else say it. It really made me feel like we needed to be together, which made me all the more upset. It was just a very insignificant little comment that seems stupid, but meant so much.

[smile]

So funny that you wanted to be punky brewster when you were a kid. Me too. And my ex asked for Pee Wees playhouse for xmas. But he got it.. we watched it the other day and I cant get the theme song out of my head.

 

Ahem sorry but I do know what it is like to hear someone else say something like that.That youre meant for eachother. After a while of this in between its hard to know whether or not you are crazy. Nice to hear someone outside of your head to validate it.

 

I know how sucky it is when he doesnt call. And how freaked out it can make me. Just hang in there. He is probably just using this time to think. Maybe he is busy.. remember last time you wigged out he was just sick?

 

Cut him some slack.. I think this is going to be alright*

[nan]

I'm starting to let him get the best of me, and this really is making me mad at him and at myself. We are always moving in and out of contact. He'll call me when he gets back to where ever it is that he goes. Then we will talk again very soon and usually see each other. He seems to try to call before he leaves to where ever it is that he happens to be going that time, at least the last two times, but I miss the call, and then don't call back. Then we don't see or talk to each other for like a week or two.

 

In this time that he is away I go through the whole array of emotions. Miss him, mad at him, thinking too much, finally I get okay, then he calls again. I know that he does not deal with things well, and the only way he knows how is to walk away or leave.

 

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how I feel, I don't know if I should still talk to him, I don't know when it becomes time to let go and move on. I'm just anticipating the next call and knowing that we will fall back into the same pattern when he does call. I hate that pattern and I don't know how to break it.

 

I do love him and want to be with him. Other than that I know nothing. I feel like if I stop taking his calls and talking to him every once in a while, it will ruin my chances of any type of reconciliation. I don't want to stop talking to him, but I don't want to talk to him either when it's weird. I also don't want to talk about how it's making me feel because this will probably push him further away.

 

I keep thinking to myself, "I know he's not taking this well, otherwise he wouldn't run away. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me. I know he will come back." But what if I'm just flattering myself and this is just not the case? Gosh I feel like an idiot! Any thoughts or advice?

 

Nan

[nan]

I am so beyond pissed that I let him get the best of me today. I actually cried. I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. And I cried. How dare I, how dare he. I am so mad, that if he even attempted to contact me at this point I would have to rip him a new a**hole.

 

I don't expect much out of someone I want to be with:

1. Have a job

2. Have a highschool diploma or GED

3. Have a driver's liscense

4. Have a car

5. Have some goals

6. Love me

 

Is that so damn much to ask?! He is a sad, sorry loser who just happens to be extremely depressed. I feel like if he loves me, he would change, but it's just not true. My step dad is dead, he loved my mom more than anything in the whole world, except the drugs. He couldn't stop the drugs, and they killed him. He couldn't change for her no matter how much he loved her, he didn't love himself.

 

My ex doesn't love himself. I know that old saying "it's not you it's me," and it's the sadest sorriest copout, but it can be true. I know how much he loves me, I know how he feels about me. But that doesn't change the fact that he's not happy. I always wish and pray to just see him happy again. When he was in school, doing well, passing classes, had a job, had a dream, had a life, loved himself, loved me. Now he dropped out of school, has no direction, no where to go, lost his job because of how f*ucked up he was.

 

God I wish that the problem was me sometimes, at least I could change. But when it's him who needs to change, I can't do it for him, and I don't know if he'll do it for himself. How am I the one to be left behind. I already graduated school once, going back for my masters in psychology. Have a new car, a job, and it's not like I'm ugly! Why the hell is he leaving ME!

 

How dare I ever fall in love with someone like this. But you can't choose who you fall in love with. His family is also f*ucked. They don't push him, hell they don't push themselves. And I know that he knows that they are one of the main problems, because he gets SO defensive if i bring up anything about them. But how do you let go of your whole support system? I know he feels like that. And the answer is, you just do. My grandparents were pretty messed up and my dad wrote off his whole family, because he didn't want to be brought down. They since quit being drunks and whatever else, and reconciled. But just walk away from people who are so harming to you, even family.

 

Man do I ever sound like my whole life and family are losers and drugs addicts. I sound like an idiot. I've learned to live and forgive though. Nobody's background is ever perfect. I guess it's becoming increasingly evident that love does not conquer all. Because no matter how much he loves me, he just can't be here right now. And if he doesn't change, he will marry the next girl he meets and they will live in his parents basement with 8 kids, no jobs, then he'll remember everything I did for him. How my whole family bent over backwards for him, supported him, gave him a job, found him a car, I also pushed him to be better.

 

How dare he takes me for granted!! I'm stuck here in the middle of him deciding whether or not he's coming back. I should be deciding whether or not to let him back!! I'm afraid to leave in fear of getting no closure, regreting it later, and he is not forgiving, once you crossed him very bad you're done. I'm afraid to stay and feel this way any longer. I just want to talk to him and tell him "you know what, go f*ck yourself, how bad does that hurt?" And in this fantasy land I've come up with, he would change and be happy, once he's happy everything will follow, and he will come back to me, happy, healthy, and ready to do what he needs to do.

 

He's just so in denial about himself. He says "I don't need counseling, I'm just fine." OH REALLY! That's why you are besides yourself in depression, you know your family sucks, and you always think you are dying.

 

Whether or not I stay, I think he will only change when he's ready, so I think it's best if I go. What do you guys think? Am I doing the right thing? Is there anything I should/could do?

 

I am sooo pissed! I hate the way he's making me feel right now. I love him and hate him at the same time.

 

Nan

[smile]

wow. Nan you have gotten yourself quite worked up. I have been there. Its tough driving yourself crazy wondering why he doesnt call. Heck I am kinda there now.

 

First of all, don't be angry with yourself for loving him. He had some good qualities that you loved once.. he is still the same person inside. He seems to be going through something very tough right now.

 

I know this seems stupid to say but maybe he does need time to think. My ex went through the same kind of breakdown where his world fell apart and he had no job and no money he was behind on everything.. he was borrowing money left and right. He was drunk ALL the time. There are some hurdles that are tougher than others...family is the biggest. He has to do this on his own.. you can't be there for him.

 

It seems like these days instead of a village gathering ceremony of tribal tatooing or reciting the torah guys have to go through some major life crisis in order to come out the other side feeling like a man. He needs to do this so he knows he is strong enough to be with anyone. Have faith that he can do it on his own.

 

I can't tell you how this all effects your relationship. I think he cares about you, a lot. You seem to mean so much to him. But there are times when its enough to just be there in his heart ya know?

 

Don't be angry at yourself. Don't use this fear and insecurity to judge him or what you had. That sort of negativity is so non productive.

 

You can't change your past or his past. You can't rescue him. You have to take care of yourself. Do something to get out that anger. Go for a long run, or watch a funny movie and laugh your a** off. Drive out into the middle of nowhere and scream until your voice is raw.

 

I think it may be time to give him some space. Don't be too harsh about it tho. Just kind of fade away. I have a feeling you will regret being mean and hurtful to him.. so dont do it.

 

You need some space too. Its hard but think of it this way... you both need space right now to deal with yourselves.. you with the breakup and him with whatever he is dealing with. That time cleanses your insides like you cant imagine. I am serious.. and one day you can look at this without anger or anxiety.

 

But you have to let him go. It seems like he needs to do this alone. So do you.