How do I not screw this up?

[GatsbyMH]

My AP and I are slowly getting to where we want to be in our lives. She is still with her husband through January (maybe longer) due to the holidays and such. He knows his time is limited and that she doesn't want to stay married. They have two small kids and she wants to stay with them as long as possible but knows it will end at some point.

 

Right now I've become stress and pain to her. When she looks at me I think she sees me as being a reason to why she will lose some of the time with her kids. She says even if she'd never met me she would have ended up leaving her husband at some point. They just don't click as well as she and I do. She's always had doubts about him being right for her.

 

I am separated from my wife. We are divorcing presently. As a matter of fact, she's on a date tonight. My situation is fairly resolved.

 

The problem is now that my AP feels like I pressure her to end her marriage soon so we can be together. I don't ever outright say it but I think I do exude some of that. I don't want her coming to me until she is ready because I don't want her to look at me like I'm the guy who took her kids away from her. I really want her to come to me when she wants to.

 

So, here is the thing. I've been kind of friend-zoned because she just isn't in the mood much due to the stress I inadvertently have placed on her. That this situation has placed on her. She says we will still have sex when she feels like it but right now the thought of being without her kids really puts her off things like that.

 

She has had sex with her husband once in the last six months. She and I have had sex many times in the past six months, often. They had "messed" around a bit otherwise but only once having sex. She told him she is afraid he will never be able to satisfy her sexually, because he never has in the past and she knows that I can. So, she has pretty much ruined his sexual confidence. She wants to try and build that back up before splitting up with him. Sounds weird, I know. Sounds like an excuse to have sex but I believe her and trust her when she says she isn't attracted to him anymore. She cares about him but doesn't want to stay married. Not love like it is with us.

 

His excuse for being a "minuteman" as I call him is that he is afraid of getting her pregnant again so he will release way too soon, in just a few minutes (which makes way no sense to me but whatever...). He is getting a vasectomy and once it's all clear she is going to allow him to try again. It's a huge leap of faith for me to not pitch a fit about this happening. I can't stop her though, he's her husband and I'm just her "friend" for most intents and purposes.

 

So, here I am trying not to stress her out and just be friends for a little while. I do miss our intimacy and time together. I don't mean just sex either. The sex is fantastic but I miss just being near her.

 

She and I were best friends for 6 years before our A started. I have always loved her but respected that she was married (as was I) and that I could love her as a friend and I almost made it to the platonic love level when she admitted she had feelings for me too after I had been gone on vacation for a few weeks and she hadn't been able to talk to me. I've always told her, and I mean it, that I fell in love with her soul and the sex was always just a bonus to me. Doesn't sound like in this thread that I'm obsessing over but I digress...lol.

 

Her husband knows about me and has addressed it to me himself via email. He doesn't know about the sex part, but that we have feelings for each other and she asked him once if she could have sex with both of us (individually). He declined that request to say the least.

 

She tells me everything and hides nothing from me. I trust her with every fiber of my being. Yet, I have this demon in me that gets jealous and worries that she will stay with her husband because it's the easiest thing to do. So, from time to time I kind of... lose it. A vast torrent of texts hit her messenger last night because I was panicking because she didn't say goodnight, she ALWAYS says goodnight. She just fell hard asleep and didn't wake up til midnight and we talked briefly before going to bed.

 

When these outbursts occur from me she gets a little more distant. She worries about me waiting for her. She doesn't want me to move on either but knows it's not fair that I wait for her. I will wait as long as necessary. There simply isn't another woman who can compare to her.

 

I was watching Dr. Phil today... ugh. But he did have a little gem I picked up on in there. The show featured a guy constantly accusing his wife of cheating because he was so sure she had. No proof and she constantly denied it. I felt like I was this guy a bit.

 

I constantly wonder if she was lying about her feelings for her husband even though I have never ever caught her in a single little lie the entire time we've known each other. Lying about being with him or ever someone else. One of the points Dr. Phil made was that every single thing I feared and worried over was coming from inside of me. She has never given me any real inclination to believe she wants to stay with her husband or would cheat with anyone else (hypocritical, I know...)

 

I realized then that I'm like my father in that way. He constantly watched my mom and accused her all the time of cheating. I'm biased but I really don't believe she would ever do that. She won't even cuss for goodness sakes. I don't want to end up like him.

 

I have this fear I will run my AP off with this behavior that I'm so desperately trying to control. She will stay with her husband or leave him and I both at some point.

 

How do I not screw this up? Be patient and have faith and trust in her? Just realizing that the things I worry and obsess over, are more imagined than real, has lifted a huge weight off my chest. I think if I give her some distance, especially through the holidays, that she will miss me like she has before and want to be with me more. I dunno.

 

Halp?

Edited November 8, 2013 by GatsbyMH
T3rrible sentence I missed. :/

[imfine]

You go complete NC with her & tell her to sort out her business before she ever contacts you again. While she's doing that, see a therapist to figure out why you want to wait a limitless amount of time for a woman that tells you she has and will have sex with a man she has no intention of divorcing.

[anne1707]

As a fWW who did not want to leave her husband, it sounds like your MW is telling you and letting you believe the kind of things I used to let the xOM believe. I would say or do things to get him to back off pushing me to leave my husband yet letting him carry on with the belief that he and I would eventually be together.

 

You are not screwing this up. She is screwing up you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm sorry Gatsby, but have you ever read any of your threads?

 

A rational person would never believe a slow separation, still having sex with husband, make out sessions, wanting to build up his sexual confidence, not being honest with her husband about you. That she doesn't like the pressure of something that you state she WANTS. If that were true, she would be right there with you ....oh...I can't wait....I am counting the days...(which by the way....is on a sliding scale it seems)

 

No inclination of wanting to stay with her husband? She is still with him. That is your inclination.

 

I can not imagine how horrible of a human being one would have to be, to encourage her husband to get a vasectomy, knowing she is divorcing him, and he MIGHT just want to start a family with someone else. I am gobsmacked.

[RickFox]

As soon as I read this the only thing that came to mind is you are being masterfully played. From all that I've learned about women when they are done with a relationship THEY ARE DONE!! They don't hang around they don't continue to have sex they don't try to build them back up. It appears she's already distancing herself from you and I could be dead wrong but I see it ending and not in your favor.

[GatsbyMH]

I'm sorry Gatsby, but have you ever read any of your threads?

 

A rational person would never believe a slow separation, still having sex with husband, make out sessions, wanting to build up his sexual confidence, not being honest with her husband about you. That she doesn't like the pressure of something that you state she WANTS. If that were true, she would be right there with you ....oh...I can't wait....I am counting the days...(which by the way....is on a sliding scale it seems)

 

No inclination of wanting to stay with her husband? She is still with him. That is your inclination.

 

I can not imagine how horrible of a human being one would have to be, to encourage her husband to get a vasectomy, knowing she is divorcing him, and he MIGHT just want to start a family with someone else. I am gobsmacked.

 

The vasectomy was his idea. She has asked him if he really wants to do that considering they will split up but he still states he wants it. It was NEVER her idea. Always his.

[veryhappy]

You are too invested emotionally to see the truth. She's playing you both, maybe not intentionally.

 

Please spare yourself the pain, wish her well and tell her to contact you when the divorce is well underway and she's moved out. Even then, don't get involved just yet. It's the only way for her not to associate you with the pain of giving up her family.

 

I'm sorry, but from everything you wrote, at this point in time, it looks unlikely that she will leave.

[whichwayisup]

Does he even know?

His excuse for being a "minuteman" as I call him is that he is afraid of getting her pregnant again so he will release way too soon, in just a few minutes (which makes way no sense to me but whatever...). He is getting a vasectomy and once it's all clear she is going to allow him to try again. It's a huge leap of faith for me to not pitch a fit about this happening. I can't stop her though, he's her husband and I'm just her "friend" for most intents and purposes.

 

So, they are divorcing, soon, when she is ready but he is TOTALLY UNAWARE of this. NO man will go get a snip for his wife when she is planning to divorce him.

 

He is clueless and my guess is, they still have an active sex life, more than she will ever admit to you. She is still 'living life' with her husband, bonding as a family unit.

 

I say, walk away. If she divorces, THEN date her in a proper way, but until then cut her out of your life. Being friends keeps her needs being met and life continues as it is.

[GreySkyMorning]

This doesn't make any sense at all except in the idea that she's playing you big time. I really feel for you. I think you are headed for a big letdown.

 

You know what happens after the snip? Then they don't have to worry about any slip-ups anymore and they get to go a little crazy with the sex. She's gonna build his confidence back up and then leave him? Yeah, right.

 

I think she is being extremely cruel to allow him to go through with this if she plans to divorce him and he is not aware that she is sleeping with you. What kind of woman does that? One with either no intention of leaving or one that wants to make sure he doesn't have kids with anyone else.

[whichwayisup]

. She told him she is afraid he will never be able to satisfy her sexually, because he never has in the past and she knows that I can. So, she has pretty much ruined his sexual confidence. She wants to try and build that back up before splitting up with him. Sounds weird, I know.

 

No, not weird, MEAN. And also again it doesn't make much sense. But, if any of that IS true, what she's told you, remember how she is treating him. He is her husband and father of her kids...The man she said vows to, married in front of their families and friends. THAT could be YOU some day. The guy she says awful things behind the back, the guy she could cheat on in the future. Keep that in mind. who she is and what she is capable of shows you a lot. Pay attention!!

[ImpatientRabbit]

Her husband knows about me and has addressed it to me himself via email. He doesn't know about the sex part, but that we have feelings for each other and she asked him once if she could have sex with both of us (individually). He declined that request to say the least.

 

Bro... Look, I myself have been hanging onto one of these relationships for too long. The kind where the woman just can't bring herself to leave the guy for whatever reason. I tell myself I was just being too impatient with her, etc. But you have to see that the situation you described is just plain absurd.

 

So she's telling him that she's not having sex with you and telling you that she's not having sex with him. What makes you think the version she told you is any more truthful than the one she's told him?

 

She asked him if she could maintain a sexual relationship with both of you? If you were just in it for the sex, then hey consenting adults can do whatever they want. But what you described is a woman that wants some variety in the bedroom, not a woman that is conflicted about what she wants. A woman that is conflicted about what she wants would shut you both out, not let you both in.

 

I constantly wonder if she was lying about her feelings for her husband even though I have never ever caught her in a single little lie the entire time we've known each other. Lying about being with him or ever someone else. One of the points Dr. Phil made was that every single thing I feared and worried over was coming from inside of me. She has never given me any real inclination to believe she wants to stay with her husband or would cheat with anyone else (hypocritical, I know...)

 

I hate to say it, but I think the reason you have "never ever caught her in a single little lie the entire time" you've known each other is because you are ignoring what's right in front of your face. I would be willing to bet Dr. Phil would not disagree with my skepticism.

 

I dunno man. I dunno why we let ourselves get drawn into this reality distortion field like this. Where everyone outside can see how irreparably screwed up my own situation is, while I cling to the hope that I can make it work. Yet I can look at a situation like yours and see right away the giant red flags that you're not seeing.

Edited November 9, 2013 by ImpatientRabbit
added more

[MorbidFever]

Maybe it's just me, but…there is no way in hell I would continue to have sex with a man I no longer loved and wanted to divorce.

 

Make him better and last longer??? Why would she care if she is leaving? I'm so confused.

[Lemonitaz]

It sounds to me like she is not ready to divorce. It could have sounded like a good idea to her until she actually contemplated losing that time with her kids, and just the whole divorce situation.

 

Coupled with the fact that you can have jealousy issues, I'd say that she's rethinking this whole thing and really weighing the pros and cons. Why would she want to rock the boat if she's not sure she will like where she ends up (with you)?

 

My advice would be to give her space. I wouldn't contact her, let her think it through and contact YOU when she has made the decision. And be ready to accept it may not be you she decides to be with.

[Snipercatt]

Gatsby, when something doesn't make sense to your common sense it's because it isn't true.

[soconfused84]

She is definately having her cake and eating it too. Btw... I can garuntee they are having way more sex than she is telling you. Like said above. No man would go get snipped if he obky has sex twice a year. Either that or he is cheating as well. She wants you both. You both are filling little gaps in her life, but each filling the ones that the other isn't. So, if you truly love her, cut her off, if she truly loves you, she will be back and willing to do whatever for you. If she isn't, she doesnt truly love you. Simple.