What the heck am I doing???

[KeenyKeen]

Probably best if I tell you my story. The short version. Well, as short as I can make it

 

Met my husband in 2003 online, we had a brief relationship for around 3 months but we were too young to make it work. Plus I was 3 years older than him and he lived around 80 miles away. We broke up, lost touch. Five years later he found me again on facebook and within a month he had moved in and we were planning to get married. Things moved swiftly. He took my son on as his own. We got married after 18 months together and not long after our daughter arrived. My husband has ADHD. Which not sound like a big deal, but it presented us with untold problems. He could never see things from my point of view he was prone to selfishness that just came naturally to him. He had a temper too and had been violent towards me over the years. Even though he had took my son on from an early age it was clear he felt differently about him than our daughter. Having said that, we did have good times. But they were few and far between. During the bad patches he would insist he no longer loved me, and during arguments he would be verbally abusive. But when he loved me, he loved me dearly. It was pretty much a mundane existance mostly, but then we would hit bumps in the road. He thought it ok to have female friends at work that he would tell our private business to and exchange regular texts with. I thought this a little inappropriate for a married man. Nights out became more important than spending time with me and the kids. I was in a real rut being a stay at home mum. There is more to it, and I'd be happy to go into more detail if anyones interested this is just a very summarised version of what things were like. We broke up in march 2012 after a particular girl at work got too close. Nothing happened between them, i think it was more on his part than hers. I have friends who work in his office and i would have known. Anyway we reunited and things were fantastic for a few months until august this year. We broke up again because i stopped trying. Before I had always tried to make things work then i just gave up and because I gave up so did he. Not that he ever tried as hard as me. See the thing with my husband is that i did everything for him and he never appreciated a stitch of it. He moved out and got his own flat and had the kids over at weekends we had a few teething problems we tried to keep it amicable but when emotions run high u just cant. There followed a period of constant disagreements. He was never any good at knowing what to do with the kids and i hated seeing my son go unwillingly because he knew he'd be bored. Our daughter was happy to go because she's always been happy with a few toys and cartoons on the tv. Anyway, I felt much stronger this time round and started to move on. I got talking to an old friend, we went out on a date and ended up spending the night together and i didnt feel guilty at all infact it was then i knew i would be ok. But then my husband found out, not about me spending the night but about the fact id been on a date and he begged and begged and begged me to take him back for days on end. The things he said, i started to believe it could work. We haven't moved back in together or told many people, but ever since i said we could very slowly try again we've had two instances where its "ended" again and even though we are getting on brilliantly at the moment the little things are starting to annoy me again. I dont miss him when im not with him and when he does come over we have to watch what HE wants to watch on tv. His obsession with trying to become a "musician" is still at the forefront. And it was a main point of contention in our marriage cos he would spend a fortune on the "dream" and we were left by the wayside. Anyway, as glad as I am that the crap has stopped for now I feel im just drifting along with something im just doing because im used to him. Whenever i get the courage to say goodbye i start to have a wobble and think "he fancies me. even with my post baby body that i just cant get rid of" who else will fancy me? best stick with him. But then in my soul I am stronger than ever and I see a future for myself that im not certain includes him. We are both getting used to living alone. And i dont think theres any way back but because things are good right now i dont know if i should be honest and say to him im just not feelin it? because hes not the sort to take it lightly. Or just let it burn out enough that hes the one who decides its not working??? its always easier when its his decision because i dont react like he does. Any advice would be welcome and if anyone wants any more info please ask. Thankyou everyone!