Seeing the Ex after 1 month

[fluffhead]

Hey all,

 

I've been broken up for exactly 1 month (she broke up with me, she was confused, wasn't sure if she was making the right decision, etc). We've spoken about 3 times since the breakup. She initiated contact the first time and I initiated it the next 2 times (The first was to talk and the second was to say sorry because something bad happened to someone close to her family).

 

All conversatinos I've had with her on the phone have been filled with her crying and telling me how much she misses me but doesn't think seeing me is a good idea. At the end of the 2nd call, she asked if she can just call me to speak and I told her absolutely not, I'm not here to fill a void. This past conversation was strictly through text and lasted about 6 texts.

 

2 hours after her last text to me, she texted me saying that she misses me and wants to see me (AWESOME!!!). She then promptly followed that up with a text saying her feelings haven't changed and she wants to remain broken up, but she does miss me and felt compelled to text me and see me.

 

Not sure what to make of this here. On the one hand, she wants to see me which is a big step in the right direction. On the other, she's saying she wants to remain broken up. Is this her way of managing expectations? Is there a deeper meaning to what she said or is she literally telling me what she means and if so, why does she even want to see me then? Thanks everyone!

[HeartBorken]

She wants to see you but remain broken up? You said you didn't want to fill a a void but that is exactly what you are doing.

 

I feel this is her way of easing the guilt of the break up off of her. If she wants to remain broken up but still see you. Your probably on your way to being a friend rather than a boyfriend again.

[fluffhead]

I respectfully disagree with you. I told her not to contact me again unless she has something meaningful to say. If she wanted to fill a 'void,' she would've just called me. She has literally refused to meet up for the past 3 weeks and now something has changed and I think that's what will be discussed tomorrow. I'm hopeful that this will be the start of us hanging out again and hopefully get back to where we were, while knowing that our old relationship is dead and a new one must be formed.

[HeartBorken]

Well best of luck to you dude. I really do hope things work out. Also keep in mind that should you two do get back together its not only about forming a new relationship but working on the problems that lead to it ending in the first place. As well as keeping the past in the past.

[BC1980]

I respectfully disagree with you. I told her not to contact me again unless she has something meaningful to say. If she wanted to fill a 'void,' she would've just called me. She has literally refused to meet up for the past 3 weeks and now something has changed and I think that's what will be discussed tomorrow. I'm hopeful that this will be the start of us hanging out again and hopefully get back to where we were, while knowing that our old relationship is dead and a new one must be formed.

 

"Something meaningful to say" means different things to different people. Never assume.

[ponchsox]

This isn't going to end well for you.

[Axee]

She told you clearly "I want to remain broken up" --> Is there any room for

misinterpretation here?

[Sparta]

You're just young and you're not done letting her hurt you. This is something that people need to go through they learned that pain when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll be done... I'll just tell you that you should go NC (no contact) but he won't listen, I never did..!

[j.gman]

You're just young and you're not done letting her hurt you. This is something that people need to go through they learned that pain when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll be done... I'll just tell you that you should go NC (no contact) but he won't listen, I never did..!

 

Yep, sometimes people have to learn it the hard way.

[fluffhead]

I am young, yes, but I understand what you all are saying. I really do. This isn't just a relationship that came to be, though. We met at school, had a 6 year FWB/Dating thing going on that over the past year (finally) matured into a full blown relationship. It was amazing to say the least. What I'm getting at is that we have a lot of history. 6 years of feelings don't just disappear over night.

 

Now as for our meeting..

 

The meeting went well. We met up for lunch at a place we used to go to while together and it was really nice. She came downstairs and we hugged hello for what seemed to be an eternity. It felt right. We didn't bring up our relationship at all (until the very end). We were laughing and just having a great time together again. After lunch we went for a bit of a walk and then she invited me upstairs to grab my stuff (she had a ton of my things). I went upstairs to her apt and grabbed my stuff. She showed me some new things she did with the place and then I grabbed my coat to leave and she brought us up. She is CONVINCED that her "feelings" just switched, unprompted. I told her that I don't believe that that just happens and there must have been a chain of events that took place to get us to where we are. I told her that I believe that we were in a "rut" during the month of September and that from where I am standing, we, as a couple, are worth fighting for, whereas she just "ripped the bandaid off. She looked somewhat shocked that I said that and I don't recall what exact response was, but I do remember her being on verge of crying. We hugged goodbye, again for what seemed like an eternity, and I told her I'd like to out with her again soon but I won't beg her to go out with me so the ball is in her court. That was that.

 

That was on Saturday. Neither of us has reached out to the other. I will be waiting for her to reach out to me again. Any thoughts?

Edited November 11, 2013 by fluffhead

[Fufu]

I think it's better for you to start moving on.. instead of staying put and waiting for her answer.

[fluffhead]

I think it's better for you to start moving on.. instead of staying put and waiting for her answer.

 

MUCH easier said than done, but I'm trying. I go out with friends a lot, I've been back in the gym (she even commented on how skinny I look). Overall, I just try to keep busy. She is always on my mind, no matter what. Not sure how to stop that. I've had my time with a decent amount of girls throughout my 25 years on this earth. Not a single one of them felt "right." Not a single one of them was interesting enough to pursue for a relationship. None of them "fit the bill." This girl has been the ONLY one to physically and mentally stimulate me to the point where I was ready to throw in the towel and be with her for the rest of my life. I knew from the day I met her that I wanted it and I still feel this way. We've had our ups and our downs over the past 6-7 years, and this wasn't the first time we cut things off. Somehow, someway we ALWAYS find one another again. That's why I'm hopeful and that's why I'm holding on. I can't describe the feeling, but somehow I just know that she's it.

[fluffhead]

I wanted to update everyone and once again, ask for some advice (long post).

 

So last Saturday came and it went. Prior to meeting up with her, she texted me asking if she should bring down a bag with all of my stuff in it. I told her no, I didn't want to walk around with it all day.

 

Anyways, we went to lunch and had a great time! Didn't talk about "us" at all, we caught up, we laughed, overall just was great to see her again. After the lunch, she asked if I wanted to get a cup of coffee and walk around, which I obliged. So we walked around for a bit and then she asked if I wanted to come up to grab my stuff. I was a tad bit taken back, not because she asked if I wanted my stuff, but because she invited me up. She made up some story that she couldn't figure out how to turn something on in the apt and wanted my help. So I'm wondering if she's about to come on to me.

 

We get up there, and within 5 minutes I have a bag of my stuff in my hand. Still chit chatting and as I'm putting on my jacket to leave, she brings "us" up saying she knows that we don't see eye to eye on the whole situation. I responded saying that I understand that her feelings have changed, but where we don't see eye to eye is WHY or HOW they changed (she has no reasoning for me, she keeps saying they just changed). I told her that I thought we were in a rut and that I believed our relationship was worth fighting for, but she just wanted to rip the band aid off. She looked a bit startled and started tearing up, so I quickly after that I told her that I don't care about the past, what happened happened and I'm only concerned with the future. She said she had a great time with me and I told her the same and that I would like to see her again soon, but I'm not going to beg her to hang out with me. She said alright and that we'll talk soon. We hugged for what seemed to be an eternity and I left feeling somewhat happy, somewhat confused. Overall, the two of us had a great time together.

 

So here I am, 5 days later, and NOTHING from her. I expected some sort of communication especially after we left things the way we left them. I look at it like this: If she was convinced the relationship was over and done with, why wouldn't she have reached out and said something such as "Hey, I had a great time with you on Saturday and am happy we can still be friends!" Or on the other hand, if she saw me and now missed "us," why wouldn't she have sent me a msg asking to hang out again? I thought those were the only 2 options here. Apparently not. I haven't heard from her at all. We're buddies on AIM (and while we're at work, we both utilize this to talk to everyone we know). She's been on AIM all week. She's writing on my friends' walls on FB for their birthdays. She liked a picture that I put up. I just don't get the whole back to NO CONTACT thing, I really don't. ANY insight would be greatly appreciated. I'm just trying to understand what's going through her head.

[Simon Phoenix]

And this is exactly why you shouldn't have met her in the first place. Congratulations, you allowed her to relieve her guilt and now she has very little use for you.

[fluffhead]

And this is exactly why you shouldn't have met her in the first place. Congratulations, you allowed her to relieve her guilt and now she has very little use for you.

 

Yeah, that's just not the case here. Everyone's so cynical on this website. Her and I have a LONG history. No matter what happens between us, there is no way that we will not be in each others lives. We both care about each other immensely and want each other to be happy. Her seeing me wasn't her reliving her guilt. I don't buy that, not even for a second.

[Minneloa]

Yeah, that's just not the case here. Everyone's so cynical on this website. Her and I have a LONG history. No matter what happens between us, there is no way that we will not be in each others lives. We both care about each other immensely and want each other to be happy. Her seeing me wasn't her reliving her guilt. I don't buy that, not even for a second.

 

If you have a long history together, that is all the more reason for her to feel guilty and to want things to be ok between you. Once she is satisfied that is true, she can proceed with no contact. I may be cynical, but I think Simon's hypothesis might fit the bill here.

 

The thing is, y'all are broken up, so the dynamic must change. It's very difficult to maintain a real friendship with a recent ex. In particular, think of how difficult it would be if someone else came into the picture as a romantic partner for her.

In that sense, no contact protects you as the dumpee.

 

I know you don't want to let her go. None of us do. But I think you might be in some denial right now about the breakup and its consequences. It's true that I don't know all the particulars of your story, but the breakup blueprint tends to be very similar across cases.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, that's just not the case here. Everyone's so cynical on this website. Her and I have a LONG history. No matter what happens between us, there is no way that we will not be in each others lives. We both care about each other immensely and want each other to be happy. Her seeing me wasn't her reliving her guilt. I don't buy that, not even for a second.

 

Everything you just said makes it more likely, not less likely. I'm sure she feels bad about breaking up with you due to that history and wanted to make sure that you are OK because she does care about you on some level. That, however, does not mean that she wants to get back together with you or that she wants to hang out with you regularly.

 

And yes, there is a lot of cynicism on these sites because stories like yours are a dime a dozen and all of us have been in your shoes. And the overwhelming majority of the time it doesn't work out the way the dumpee wants it to. A little cynicism isn't a bad thing -- it allows you to see things with a far more even approach (cynicism vs. hope balancing out) and makes the dumper come more correct with their contact if they are serious about working things out.

[fluffhead]

Everything you just said makes it more likely, not less likely. I'm sure she feels bad about breaking up with you due to that history and wanted to make sure that you are OK because she does care about you on some level. That, however, does not mean that she wants to get back together with you or that she wants to hang out with you regularly.

 

And yes, there is a lot of cynicism on these sites because stories like yours are a dime a dozen and all of us have been in your shoes. And the overwhelming majority of the time it doesn't work out the way the dumpee wants it to. A little cynicism isn't a bad thing -- it allows you to see things with a far more even approach (cynicism vs. hope balancing out) and makes the dumper come more correct with their contact if they are serious about working things out.

 

To a degree, yes, I believe there is some validity to what everyone is saying, but then why wouldn't she send me a text SOLIDIFYING that she wants to remain friends? Why not a single piece of communication? If roles were reversed I would make sure that my ex knew we weren't getting back together. I would do that by texting and/or calling that person to make sure our friendship continues. She didn't do that, which is why I'm asking for some sort of interpretation here. My theory (and yes, I'm bias) is that maybe our little get together confused her even more and maybe what she thought isn't necessarily holding up anymore. Why else would there be no communication what so ever?

[Simon Phoenix]

To a degree, yes, I believe there is some validity to what everyone is saying, but then why wouldn't she send me a text SOLIDIFYING that she wants to remain friends? Why not a single piece of communication? If roles were reversed I would make sure that my ex knew we weren't getting back together. I would do that by texting and/or calling that person to make sure our friendship continues. She didn't do that, which is why I'm asking for some sort of interpretation here. My theory (and yes, I'm bias) is that maybe our little get together confused her even more and maybe what she thought isn't necessarily holding up anymore. Why else would there be no communication what so ever?

 

Because she's busy, because it hasn't occurred to her to follow up, because she doesn't want to. Could be a million things. I mean, she probably will not send you a message saying that she doesn't want to get back together unless she feels she has to. She really doesn't want to have to break up with you twice if she can help it. She didn't enjoy doing it the first time. By not contacting you, perhaps she's hoping you get the hint that your get-together was meant to be friendly and not romantic. Or that you aren't a priority right now because she has other stuff going on. Unfortunately, I'm having a hard time joining you on the bright side. There doesn't seem to be much brightness here.

[Minneloa]

To a degree, yes, I believe there is some validity to what everyone is saying, but then why wouldn't she send me a text SOLIDIFYING that she wants to remain friends? Why not a single piece of communication? If roles were reversed I would make sure that my ex knew we weren't getting back together. I would do that by texting and/or calling that person to make sure our friendship continues. She didn't do that, which is why I'm asking for some sort of interpretation here. My theory (and yes, I'm bias) is that maybe our little get together confused her even more and maybe what she thought isn't necessarily holding up anymore. Why else would there be no communication what so ever?

 

This is often the problem with having positive contact with an ex; it tends to leave the dumpee in confusion and false hope while the dumper emerges relieved and happy that s/he isn't the bad guy. It's so hard to remember that the dumper is in a completely different place emotionally from the dumpee, but this seems like a textbook example. OP, from what you have posted, it makes perfect sense to me that your ex has gone back to no contact--she's happy and satisfied with the outcome of the meeting (that y'all are on good terms) and now can go on her merry way. There's no need, from her p.o.v., to clarify or continue anything, because she has what she wants: peace and goodwill.

[BC1980]

To a degree, yes, I believe there is some validity to what everyone is saying, but then why wouldn't she send me a text SOLIDIFYING that she wants to remain friends? Why not a single piece of communication? If roles were reversed I would make sure that my ex knew we weren't getting back together. I would do that by texting and/or calling that person to make sure our friendship continues. She didn't do that, which is why I'm asking for some sort of interpretation here. My theory (and yes, I'm bias) is that maybe our little get together confused her even more and maybe what she thought isn't necessarily holding up anymore. Why else would there be no communication what so ever?

 

Well, if you break up with someone, you take that as final. Dumpers don't break up with you if they aren't sure. Most likely, they have spent weeks/months coming to this painful decision. It takes months, a year or more to actually rethink the decision to the point of reaching out and saying they want to try again. I would be really suspect anyway if someone changed their mind quickly.

 

I know why you want to believe what you do because I was there myself at one point. All of the advice everyone else is giving you is spot on, so I won't repeat it.

[Ftheeastcoast]

This is often the problem with having positive contact with an ex; it tends to leave the dumpee in confusion and false hope while the dumper emerges relieved and happy that s/he isn't the bad guy. It's so hard to remember that the dumper is in a completely different place emotionally from the dumpee, but this seems like a textbook example. OP, from what you have posted, it makes perfect sense to me that your ex has gone back to no contact--she's happy and satisfied with the outcome of the meeting (that y'all are on good terms) and now can go on her merry way. There's no need, from her p.o.v., to clarify or continue anything, because she has what she wants: peace and goodwill.

 

^^ 100% correct.

 

Look man, she is going to keep you as her guy on the sideline, but only as long as you let her. The thing is for dumpees, they feel like they have no power but they do. The problem is they have to be able to put themselves first for one damn time and walk away.

 

I don't suggest walking away as a strategy to get her back, I suggest walking away as a strategy to get yourself back. In relationships and negotiation, the one most wiling to walk away has leverage.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Ftheeastcoast