he's acting like i "owe" him the world

[tootie]

my boyfriend knows i don't make much money so he agreed to pay for most of the expensises. i am paying some as well. but my hours got way back and so i am home alot now, but still making enough to help out, but not nearly as much as he does.

 

so he has me running and calling for him since i'm home anyway and doing nothing but playing on the internet. he also wants me to do some work for his mom and if i don't want to do these things he gets mad at me.

 

he is starting to think i don't want to work or i'm lazy and or using him or taking advantage of him. i'm not any of these things.

 

i am looking for a more steady job, but it is taking time to find something, anything, but i haven't had any luck yet. is it right for him to want me to run errands for him and or do work for his mom to "earn" my keep, that is what i feel like i'm doing now.

 

i don't mind one bit helping them out, not at all, but i'm starting to feel like i "have" to now of he gets mad at me, and this is killing my self-esteem as well.

 

i don't know what to do, i'm not taking advantage of him, i help as much as i can. yet he feels i should be doing more, doing something to help him and his mom, which i don't think i should have too, unless i want to. am i being selfish?

[Laurynn]

Well, if you're not working at present, and are spending your days at home surfing the Internet..and he's out there working to pay the bills, etc.....I can honestly see how he'd feel things are a little one-sided.

 

A lot of men and women want to be in a relationship with someone who's ambitious and hardworking.....who works hard to contribute their share. It's hard to have respect for someone who sits at home all day watching tv and playing on the computer, right?

 

What exactly are you doing to find yourself a job? What kind of work did you have before? Are you actively LOOKING?

 

How long has it been since you were working full time? Months?

 

If you were to help his Mom, would you get paid doing that?

[Nic]

i don't mean to sound harsh here, but sitting on the internet all day is not actively looking for a job. if you were on the internet all day looking up employment sites and e-mailing your resume to agencies and/or companies, then that can be excused. i can understand your boyfriend thinking you don't want to work and are lazy if you are spending a lot of time surfing the net and looking up sites that have nothing to do with employment.

 

bombard agencies and companies with your resume and look up some employment sites. some of the employment sites on the net are set out very well and you can search for jobs according to different criteria, such as state, industry etc. but if you are already putting a serious effort into looking for another job, don't let his comments affect your self-esteem. just remember - if he's aware you're on the net all day, then it's quite easy for him to assume you are not trying hard enough to find a job.

 

if you are living under the same roof as him and his mother, then it wouldn't hurt to help out around the house. i certainly couldn't live with my boyfriend's mother and not do things to help her. that is a simple matter of respect. but if you don't live with his mother, then you are under no obligation to help her out if she is quite capable of doing things herself.

 

i don't have a full grasp on what you mean by "earning your keep", but if you're saying that he pays you to run errands, i'd tell him to shove his money. that is very condescending behaviour. you pay children to do chores, not partners.

my boyfriend knows i don't make much money so he agreed to pay for most of the expensises. i am paying some as well. but my hours got way back and so i am home alot now, but still making enough to help out, but not nearly as much as he does. so he has me running and calling for him since i'm home anyway and doing nothing but playing on the internet. he also wants me to do some work for his mom and if i don't want to do these things he gets mad at me. he is starting to think i don't want to work or i'm lazy and or using him or taking advantage of him. i'm not any of these things. i am looking for a more steady job, but it is taking time to find something, anything, but i haven't had any luck yet. is it right for him to want me to run errands for him and or do work for his mom to "earn" my keep, that is what i feel like i'm doing now. i don't mind one bit helping them out, not at all, but i'm starting to feel like i "have" to now of he gets mad at me, and this is killing my self-esteem as well. i don't know what to do, i'm not taking advantage of him, i help as much as i can. yet he feels i should be doing more, doing something to help him and his mom, which i don't think i should have too, unless i want to. am i being selfish?

[tootie HOLD ON! LET ME RE-ITERATE HERE!]

O.K. i get the point what you all are saying but it is not that way at all! i guess i was not very clear! first of all his mother does not live with us, second of all i watch my grandson while his mother goes to school from 12-5 mon-thurs.

 

true that was not a wise move on my part. i have no real education for work, i do house cleaning and had my own nice little clientelle going until around thanksgiving.

 

at that time i started some meds also that have made it hard for me to get to work caused by the side effects which are now gone! yeah!

 

so the problem is still babysitting and trying to find a job around that. my daughter is finding someone else to watch him so i can get to working full time again, anywhere, probably a hotel.

 

i do not literally sit on the internet all day, but he honestly believes i do cause i am on it most of the evening as he watches t.v., boring!

 

i do pay what we agreed i'd pay as he makes alot more money then i do, an this big ole expensive house was his idea not mine, i wanted somewhere much cheaper!

 

as for his mother, i adore her and we get along great, it's just that he makes me feel like i'm suppose to help her or him. i don't feel like i should "have" to do anything, i want to help him/her tho but just not all the time or when he says too.

 

he does not pay me for anything, nor would i want him to or expect him too. i look in the paper via the net daily for work but right now i have to wait for my daughters friend to start watching the baby which will be ina week or so, hopefully.

 

i just feel bad about the income thing anyway, however i was on section 8 and he did not pay much either, just half of everything with me, my rent was only 198.00 now we are not on sec.8 and our rent is 950.00 at his choice.

 

i am not using him nor do i want to be in this situation with him when i feel put down cause i don't want to do this or that.

 

my question here was am i obligated to work for him and her to help pay back his kindness, or what ever you could call it, i don't know.

 

he is a jerk at times anyway...........i've thought of leaving him lately too as i am having such a hard time doing anything because of the meds and the reason i take them.

 

i get no support from him for this medical problem i have, he thinks i research it all day and only come out worse for it.

i don't mean to sound harsh here, but sitting on the internet all day is not actively looking for a job. if you were on the internet all day looking up employment sites and e-mailing your resume to agencies and/or companies, then that can be excused. i can understand your boyfriend thinking you don't want to work and are lazy if you are spending a lot of time surfing the net and looking up sites that have nothing to do with employment. bombard agencies and companies with your resume and look up some employment sites. some of the employment sites on the net are set out very well and you can search for jobs according to different criteria, such as state, industry etc. but if you are already putting a serious effort into looking for another job, don't let his comments affect your self-esteem. just remember - if he's aware you're on the net all day, then it's quite easy for him to assume you are not trying hard enough to find a job. if you are living under the same roof as him and his mother, then it wouldn't hurt to help out around the house. i certainly couldn't live with my boyfriend's mother and not do things to help her. that is a simple matter of respect. but if you don't live with his mother, then you are under no obligation to help her out if she is quite capable of doing things herself. i don't have a full grasp on what you mean by "earning your keep", but if you're saying that he pays you to run errands, i'd tell him to shove his money. that is very condescending behaviour. you pay children to do chores, not partners.

[Rachel]

O.K. Here's what I think;

 

Get a "temporary" job, that can help with bills, like working at Kmart or something like that.

 

Until then, you will have your self-respect and you will only have to help out with chores that you want to when you feel like it.

 

Even though a certain job, might be beneath you, it is only for a short period of time.

 

What do you thin about that?

[Laurynn]

I don't mean to be rude.....but didn't you post this entire scenario just a few days ago, as "jennie"? Myself and several others took the time to respond. Now you're using a different name but you have the same problems and same situation. Maybe go back and read our advice in that thread.....

 

If you were paying $198 a month in rent before, and he insisted on this expensive house to rent....did someone force you to agree to do it? Probably not, right?

 

I don't really understand your problem. Until your daughter finds someone else to look after your grandchild, you're not really in the position to be working, unless in the evenings right? What about doing some cleaning on Fridays and Saturdays? What about finding an evening job (for now) cleaning up a florist or hairdressing shop or something? Well you're an adult so I'm sure you can find yourself a job.

 

Why shouldn't you run errands for your boyfriend or his Mother? If you aren't working and have the time, seems to me like that would be fair.....if you don't think it is, then leave. Life is about making decisions.

[Rachel]

I'm glad you clarified some things. However, my answer is still the same.

 

Get a temporary job.

 

Also, tell your daughter that the very LAST day you will be keeping the granddaughter is Two weeks from Monday.

 

It seems to me that you have a problem being too NICE and letting people in your life use you. That is why you are in the situation you are in.

 

Your daughter needs to find a person to babysit. That is only right and fair. YOu can tell her you have found a job that starts two weeks from Monday.

 

Then contact a temporary agency. They can probably line up any type of housecleaning, etc for you.

 

As far as your boyfriend, don't break up with him yet. It seems that things are looking a bit worse for you than they will be shortly. Just hang in there.

 

As far as the Mother goes, just do what you feel when you feel like it.

 

As far as the Internet goes: stay off of it when your boyfriend is watching TV, or only use it for employment purposes when he is home. Read a book or etc. You are making him think that that is what you do all day.

 

Just a couple of weeks will set that notion straight in his mind.

 

''

[Deejette]

It is always difficult when there is an uneven support system in a household. It builds resentment, for example, when one member of a couple has to get up early every day to get to work, while the other gets to stay in bed because they have not found work. Or one has to fight traffic and other unpleasantness, while the other one gets to stay home. So don't be surprised by your bf's reaction.

 

The only way out of it is to work, bring in some money, and show that you are making some financial contribution to the household. Being on meds is unfortunate, but the point of meds to allow people to function instead of keeping them from living productive lives. So maybe the meds are not the answer for you and counseling to really get rid of the problem instead of masking it with chemicals is the way to go.

 

I'm glad you clarified some things. However, my answer is still the same. Get a temporary job. Also, tell your daughter that the very LAST day you will be keeping the granddaughter is Two weeks from Monday. It seems to me that you have a problem being too NICE and letting people in your life use you. That is why you are in the situation you are in.

 

Your daughter needs to find a person to babysit. That is only right and fair. YOu can tell her you have found a job that starts two weeks from Monday. Then contact a temporary agency. They can probably line up any type of housecleaning, etc for you. As far as your boyfriend, don't break up with him yet. It seems that things are looking a bit worse for you than they will be shortly. Just hang in there. As far as the Mother goes, just do what you feel when you feel like it. As far as the Internet goes: stay off of it when your boyfriend is watching TV, or only use it for employment purposes when he is home. Read a book or etc. You are making him think that that is what you do all day. Just a couple of weeks will set that notion straight in his mind. ''