viewing porn + masterbation - do I have a right to be hurt?

[moimeme]

and that it's normal for the sex in a relationship to decline after being together for a while.

 

Well, the next time he feeds you that line, tell him it's bull. Sure, it declines after being together for a while - when you're in your thirties or forties maybe and you've been together a couple years. At your ages and without even having spent a year together, you should still be climbing all over each other much more often than once a week.

 

Time to tell him this is a serious issue and that it needs to be dealt with and that his getting defensive will not help your relationship. He would definitely not be a long-term prospect if this continues. Let him know that.

[johan]

This relates more to the original topic than it does to what the thread has wandered off to...

 

It seems like most people, and I'd guess 100% of the rabid porn defenders, assume that masturbation can't be achieved without some mental or real image to seed a fantasy. The fantasy is used to stimulate the brain, and possibly the emotions, while the hand and other tools are used to stimulate the body. And then you have a little mess to clean up.

 

Point #1: I think if the fantasy provides only mental stimulation, then maybe the porn defenders have a point. If the fantasy is also used for emotional stimulation, then maybe the the porn-haters have one. I sort of think poeple have been trying to make this distinction. Or maybe they actually made it, and I didn't catch it.

 

Point #2: I also think it's worth pointing out that there are tantric techniques for masturbation for which no fantasy is required at all. It's about the body and spirit. Might sound kind of freakish and wimpy to the average beater-offer, but there is also a lot to be said for it. First of all it becomes about more than the climax; sometimes you might just not come at all. Second, you get to know your body very well, and total self-control is a great thing to have in bed. Third, you can learn to value yourself more and it's good for both your confidence and your health. Fourth, you can experience heightened physical awareness of yourself and your partner. Fifth, similar tantric techniques can be applied to conventional lovemaking (i.e. with someone). Sixth, no more need for porn or fantasies of other women.

 

And last but not least, a lot fewer posts about porn. That should satisfy the meta-gripers.

[blinkless]

I don't think you have the right to interfere with his masturbating. It's one of the most natural things on earth.

[chica]

Blinkless:

I don't belive that she is trying to "interfere with his masturbating" - more that she is trying to ascertain what the reasons are for their sex life diminishing. It also sounds as though LCoakley1 is confused about what's going on and would like a little honest communication within her relationship. Is this right LCoak?

I think you are entitled to that. I hope you can work it out soon - it's a very upsetting situation to be in.

 

johan:

what's the best read you have on the topic of tantra? We have the "cultivating male sexual energy" book by Mantak Chia and another by Margo Anand. Did you find that it takes a very high level of discipline?

 

chica

[LCoakley1]

Chica,

 

That's exactly what I want. I know that masturbation is very normal, and I even indulge in it myself from time to time when my boyfriend isn't home. However, I just don't understand why he feels he needs to do it, or continuously look at porn when I AM home and our sex life keeps going down the drain...

[P1xie]

I haven't been on in a long time but I came here with a porn problem. No one really wanted to believe me. Recently he mentioned it again saying I took his life away. Imagine jacking off to porn as your life. That is sad to me but to each their own. I told him that he could have his life back obviously.

 

Ask your man this...Why do you have the need to look at another women's pussy when you got a perfectly good one at home?

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by P1xie

I haven't been on in a long time but I came here with a porn problem. No one really wanted to believe me. Recently he mentioned it again saying I took his life away. Imagine jacking off to porn as your life. That is sad to me but to each their own. I told him that he could have his life back obviously.

 

Ask your man this...Why do you have the need to look at another women's pussy when you got a perfectly good one at home?

 

Whatever.

 

My ex cheated on several times, I actually met two of them, and they were total nasty bar skags. Disgusting, overweight, bad hair, bad teeth, bad skin. I am an attractive woman. I would always wonder what the f*ck was wrong with me that he chose to go and spend weekends for weeks in a row with disgusting, replusive, barflies. I never got a straight answer.

 

So, again, whatever. Ask your man all you want. you don't get a straight answer, when someone is seeking sexual gratification from someone or something else to the extent that you feel neglected, go find someone more compatible with you. Period. It never ends up working out if you have to work THAT HARD on someone.

[P1xie]

I'm talking about a body part here. I would hope there is no teeth involved.

 

What I learned about all this is as some had said here I am controlling. I control what I want and find acceptable in my life. I told him from the beginning that I did not want a barfly, drug addict or porn addict in my life.

 

During our last discussions he said I was controlling but I said to him that no longer was I going to let him to try to manipulate my feelings anymore to be made to feel guilty for not wanting it in my life and if he felt as strongly as I did about the issue then he should take control of his life.

 

I never looked at porn as much as what is wrong with me (though it would of been nice to feel like I was his fantasy) I looked at it as sort of a betrayal. I always believed that intimacy between two people are not shared. That once you find the person you think you will be with it that you did not seek another person's body. We can all have our fantasies I guess.

 

On the flip side I now work as a Exotic Dancer. How did he feel about that? He didn't like it. What is the problem? Just like the girls in his porns I'm fulfulling a fantasy. It's harmless. The guys who come in there are no different then him.

[moimeme]

On the flip side I now work as a Exotic Dancer. How did he feel about that? He didn't like it. What is the problem? Just like the girls in his porns I'm fulfulling a fantasy. It's harmless. The guys who come in there are no different then him.

 

Oh this is rich!!! You hate it when it's done to you but you do it to other women! Grinning Maniac, I cannot wait to hear what you'll have to say about this one!!!!

[sykadelik]

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and about 3 years ago I caught him whacking it to some porn while I was asleep. I got extremely angry at him......yelled and screamed and cried, and made him promise never to do it again. Since then I've found porn 5 more times (that I've actually found) and everytime I got angrier and more hurt. Just last November, after a few years of not finding any, I found it..........twice in two weeks. I got so mad and hurt, for the past 3 months I have been balling alone, and trying to figure out what it is that he likes so much about it, and why he does it. The problem kinda was that we weren't having sex but maybe once a month, if that. I'm 24 and he is 28! So that was a big issue. Then again, if I was having sex with him, I would think I wasn't enough so I guess it doesn't matter either way. So finally, I decided to look around on the net reading stuff about why guys look at porn, what they're thinking, if they should do it, ect.........I finally realized I shouldn't be hurt by it, it's just what guys do. I thought about even if he didn't do it, he would be mastubating in bed or something, and imagining someone else anyways. I realized I can't stop my boyfriend from thinking or imagining other women, hell I do the same, even though I don't like to mastubate. Another thing is, the girls he looks at look just like me...........petite, small breasts...........exactly me. I know I am beautiful, so maybe that has a factor in my understanding and new self esteem. So, I told him two days ago, after months of crying to him about it.......that I didn't care if he looks at porn anymore, and that I am secure enough to deal with this. It would be different if he looked at it constantly, or if he cheated on me, which I KNOW for a fact he would never cheat on me. SO, what the hell, why not. I even enjoy looking at the women in porn, they turn me on more than looking at men. So a message to the ladies who were like me...........men are men, and even the experts say the only issue we have with porn is the insecurities in ourselves........the best guy in the world will still look at porn from time to time. I would suggest to learn to understand that they aren't thinking about cheating on you after they look at a naked chick on screen. It's just simply to get them off. End of story, nothing more or less. I work as an exotic dancer, and I hate my job to the fullest extent.....

[nugirl]

[color=darkred]You cannot get him to stop masturbating to porn unless he stops looking at it. Obviously it turns him on and even if you could get him to stop masturbating, he would still be turned on. Basically...you can't eliminate B without eliminating A. Its all about cause and effect.[/color]

[kittenhead]

well--since we all agree that there is too many threads on porn--I might as well jump on the band wagon here. I have a lot of questions. First, what is the psychological meaning in asian films where 100 or so men stand around, masturbate and then spew on a woman in the middle of the circle? it seems weird. my BF says its like the male gaze at strip clubs.

 

speaking of BF--is it odd of me to get upset when I heard that he has a collection (4-5) videos of him having sex with his ex-girlfriends. he says he likes to watch himself. I think its just too close to home. He deleted them off his harddrive--but let's be real here--he's got a backup copy b/c he backs up his system. so--he didn't really get rid of them. i know he thinks that this makes me controlling. i would have been touched if he wanted one of me --which is how we got onto the topic in the first place--but that's when I learned that he had a little library.

 

Anyway, porn and video games seem to be really important to him. Smart guy--weird with the fetishes though--blazed through pussy before me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

First, what is the psychological meaning in asian films where 100 or so men stand around, masturbate and then spew on a woman in the middle of the circle?

 

Bukkake? Here is some interesting insight into the origins and meaning of the practice at the Wikipedia. (not a pornographic link)