viewing porn + masterbation - do I have a right to be hurt?

[revlis4891]

Hey all -

 

First time on this board and I'm pretty sure people have asked a similar question. I just wanted to ask the question my way instead of reading someone else's situation.

 

My situation is pretty basic- been dating my man for almost two years. We love eachother, have a good sex life, and are both attractive/in shape.

 

I know that he looks at porn, and it doesn't bother me that much. My thing is firemen, and I dont mind looking at a good set of abs and ass once in a while ;-)

 

My problem is the masterbation part of it. I feel like going out of your way to constantly entertain your fantasies to the point where you get off is going a little far, maybe even in the cheating range. I feel like masterbating is going into the area of wanting to have sex with whoever you are viewing.

 

My BF defended himself, saying these people aren't "real" to him, and he gets off on visuals, just like any boy. But, I don't understand why he has to get off on seeing other naked women, or streaming online video. It really upsets me.

 

Any suggestions to help me understand? Most of people's responses on this board is "That's a way of life, that's what boys do, deal with it because he loves you." But I guess I feel, if he loved me, he wouldnt need to entertain fantasies to the point that he masterbates and gets off on it. I don't mind doing ANYTHING for him.

 

Do I have a right to be upset?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm trying to get this straight. You don't mind him watching porn - as long as he doesn't masturbate if he does it? Are you wanting him to stop masturbating altogether unless he thinks of only you while he does it?

[revlis4891]

I guess I should have went into more detail :-)

 

I don't mind the fact of viewing hot pictures. I even read Playboy (only because my BF's roommate subscribes to it and its always around.) There are girls who are very pretty that I'll admit are attractive. I check boys out at work. I know it's natural to have people turn you on.

 

I also will admit that I masterbate. But I do it because I like the way it makes me feel. I don't think about some sexual fantasy with another boy.

 

THATS what bothers me - The fact that he has some fantasy about someone else and gets off on it. Admitting some chick on a mag/website is hot is one thing... but making it sexual and getting off on it is what really gets to me, especially when we have a good sex life. I dont get why he needs to do that, and I don't want to just accept it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm a woman, but I'm one of those people who absolutely must have a visual aid to do it and have it end up being er.. satisfying. It isn't that I have fantasies about wanting to be with the women I see doing it - its the very act itself being portrayed that is stimulating.

 

I seriously don't even think twice about who those women are, or even really notice their faces half the time - its what is being done to them and what they are doing to each other that helps get me off. Maybe its like that for your guy? Its not the actors that matter in porn. Its the act.

 

Something about watching the sex act can be very stimulating. The faces and actors though are pretty much interchangeable.

 

The key here is communication. Talk to your guy about it. Don't ask him "why do you get off on it" (he gave you that answer already), ask him "what specific things about it get you off" - ask him to be specific. It may not make sense to you, since you two are stimulated in different ways - but it may go far in easing your mind. Hopefully, anyway! Maybe you can use that information and offer to give him a live show to masturbate to, or something like that. Kinky, I know.

 

You said you guys have a happy, normal sex life and love each other - so relax - your guy isn't ditching you for Rosie Palmer and her Porno Posse.

 

I really do hope you and the guy can work it out between you two.

[Grinning Maniac]

No...no...Please make it stop. Does there have to be a new porn thread every day? Really? Is it absolutely necessary?

 

Lucrezia's got it right on the money. We don't have fantasies of these women. It's just visual aid. Masturbating without something to look at is a pain in the ass and the most ironic thing is this: When we're NOT looking at something during masturbation, then we HAVE to fantasize about other women to get us off...and chances are they aren't anonymous porn women either. It's chicks that we have memories off. Bottom line, you're working towards counterproductivity. I'll tell you from personal experience, when there's no porn around I start recreating past experiences with old girlfriends in my head to get me off. Would you rather your boyfriend do that?

 

I love these chicks who have a problem with porn and they don't even understand how WE view it.

 

[Icarus]

Have you ever considered this???

 

HE'S THINKING OF YOU WHILE HE DOES THIS!

 

Images in a magazine or on a website work wonders on the imagination. Is it at all possible that he just enjoys imagining things that he could or would like to do with YOU. Is it at all possible that he might feel uncomfortable about talking to you about certain things he thinks about. If that's a possibility, ask him!!!

[Merin]

Well.. there really isn't a "Law" that says you aren't entitled to feel the way you do regarding any topic.. however with that said.. lets also keep it in mind that while YOU are entitled to feel the way you do about this particular topic.. your BF also is entitled to feel the way he does.

 

While I cannot understand why you're upset about this (again.. entitlement) I want to point out to you something to consider.. you've said you have a pretty rockin sex life with your Man right? All good.. isn't it possible that your sex life with him is so good not only because YOU rock (Go on girl! LOL) BUT because your BF is a sexual person who uses pornography as a tool in making things hot and rockin?

 

Just saying.. maybe he gets some of his ideas from what he views.. and from what you've said.. he is looking at an image ONLY.. not getting his freak on with a another woman in the flesh...

 

My 2 cents

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

The key here is communication. Talk to your guy about it. Don't ask him "why do you get off on it" (he gave you that answer already), ask him "what specific things about it get you off" - ask him to be specific. It may not make sense to you, since you two are stimulated in different ways - but it may go far in easing your mind.

 

If you ask him, he might answer in a way that will soothe your worries. But, if you do so, you also risk hearing something you might not like.

 

What if your bf tells you that he's just turned on by looking at other girls?

 

He'll shatter your delusion that he's actually turned on by what people do, and your hopes that he might image to do those things with you while he's looking at porn.

[revlis4891]

To Grinning Maniac: Yeah, sorry, YET ANOTHER POST ABOUT THIS CRAP.

But this is my first sexual relationship and for once in my life,

I can't figure out why a guy does this. Normally I can put myself

in their shoes. But the way guys view porn is so different than me, or even girls.

 

 

So anyway, I talked to my man... even took some of your guys' suggestions.

 

Asking for specifics really helped. (thanks for that tip.)

 

He did say that there are many times that he thinks of me when he

does his thing.... but not all the time :-)

 

He said that yeah - it's better to have a visualization right there in front of you,

makes it easier.

 

He thinks that nudity is beautiful - and awesome for him: so do I.

 

I guess I feel better about the situation, but still... why men feel the need

to wank themselves by looking at other women is beyond me.

What helps me is that it's not as sexual as I thought it was. I know for me,

Id be thinking in a more sexual manner. Guess that's not true for guys

in all cases.

[zara]

Grinning maniac - there are so many threads about this because it is a big problem for lots and lots of women and they don't feel able to discuss it anywhere else. if you don't want to read it, skip it and read something else, okay?!

 

Revlis - porn works as a visual aid and many women as well as men are visually stimulated. However, i am not at all visually stimulated by women and neither are many other women. Whilst i may appreciate someone's aesthetic appeal i am not personally sexually aroused by the sexual representation of women. I am however, sexually aroused by the visual representation of myself or of men (gay porn). Some women are not visually stimulated at all and prefer words or imagination. Perhaps you should ask yourself where your stimulation comes from every time and try to find some truth about yourself to share with your BF...

[bicyclejunk]

[color=darkblue]sorry to add to the everlong collection of PORNO posts....

 

 

 

I find it very hard to believe that This gal doesn't See how

guys can fantasize about other girls, while masturbating.

 

Masturbation is Purely Sexual. It's a sexual tool. It's only normal

to have sexual feelings when doing it. Bout your girl/guy or someone else.

It's a fantasy, not reality. If the person makes it reality, then we got problems. But..

She doesn't think "one" sexual

thought while masturbating? i don't buy it, because she says she reads

Playboy from time to time and Checks out Other boys at work.[/color]

 

It's like saying I don't eat Junk food at ALL, But I like to do my homework at McDonalds.

[blind_otter]

This also confuses me. I can masturbate with or without porn, although it is better with porn (admittedly I can be pretty mentally lazy on occassion). But if you don't think a sexual thought when you masturbate, what exactly do you think about? Chocolate? Sheep herding? Or is it the purely animalistic kind of I'm-bored-masturbationg, like monkeys? Not trying to be offensive, just sorta wondering.

 

It seems like it's a bit controlling to demand that your significant other think of you and only you.

[revlis4891]

Ok ok guess I have to make another post ~

 

Don't put words in my mouth people :-) I never said that I want my boyfriend to only think of me when he gets off! Never said that at all. It's just the concept of getting off on the image of another girl, fantasizing having sex with her or doing things to her, or whatever. It hurt my feelings. Doesn't that make sense? In a way, when my boyfriend first admitted that, I almost felt betrayed. I didn't know how to see it from his perspective and realize that it's not as personal as I was making it out to be. I just needed to understand why boys do this, and if it seemed logical to be upset about it. Most posts I've read had said, "This is the way it is, so accept it" and I felt like I didn't need to. I've talked it out with my boy now, and I feel better about it , but it is still a subject that I don't have complete grasp on.

 

Someone had also made the claim that I don't have one sexual thought when I masterbate. Where did that come from? I didn't say that either! Of course I have sexual thoughts - masterbation in itself is sexual ~ which is why when I found out WHAT my boy gets off on upset me because I took it personally. When I masterbate, I don't put faces to it is all. I don't think about DOING it to any one particular person. I don't need to surf porn in order to masterbate. But I don't think I need to go into details about what gets me off :-) That's not the issue. What hit me the hardest is closing my eyes and imagining my boy getting off on other women. It just seemed wrong to me at the time.

 

Have I helped clear any confusion?

[blind_otter]

Sorry to make assumptions...

 

You know, when I masturbate to porn I don't really look at the faces, either. It's bodies, and that's about it. I think that's how guys are, too...how many times have I been groped in the dark by my significant other at the time? hahaha

[NiCoLe20]

i dont think this is really relevant in ur situation but its in the cosmo mag.....

 

some couple use porn to heat things up inthe bedromm...can that ever cause problems?

theres nothing wrong with popping in the occasion x rated DVD, but couple who do it every time rely on the images on screen instead of each other to stimulate themselves. worse still, they can get caught up in a porn version ofsex called spectoring, where they watch themselved more than they participate. womaen fake intense moaning, and guys feel the need to try 10 positions in 10 minutes,, like in the movies. the truth is, those films are a fantasy that has little to do w/ the way people really behave in bed. when a couples lust life becomes all about theatrics rather than emotions, it loses meaning.

 

is there any hope for a porn addicted pair?

if this sounds like u and ur guy, ur best bet is to put the flicks aside and clue each other into other desires-places on ur body that you'd like to be touched or naughty words u want to hear whispered in ur ear. this will shift the spotlight back to your true needs and his too.

[bicyclejunk]

Is he cheating on You??

 

Is he having Sex with other girls??

 

 

If Not, Forget about it. And get used to it. Every guy Masturbates and it's not always

going to be about his girlfriend or his wife. Just like you check out other guys at work,

guys check out other girls. They wonder what it would be like to kiss them, be with them

etc. That's a part of Life. Everyone does it.

 

I love my girl 100%. I would never ever cheat on her or do anything to hurt her. When I masturbate,

a majority of the time, I think about her, because she's very sexy to me. But, sometimes i'll

think about another girl. Doesn't mean anything. You can't keep all thoughts on your

significant other. It's impossible. Why be so closed minded, that's what fantasizing is for.

Every guy does, not all, but most. Even Girls.

 

I think it's stupid for your guy to tell you that he thinks about other girls when he jerks it.

He must not know you very well.

 

That's the biggest problem with guys and porn. If you're into it cool, but keep it under wraps,

don't try and get your girl in on it too or fight for your right to keep your porno collection. Keep

it private and use it in healthy ways. Don't make it your goal in life.

[Exothermic_Man]

Revlis said: I never said that I want my boyfriend to only think of me when he gets off! Never said that at all. It's just the concept of getting off on the image of another girl, fantasizing having sex with her or doing things to her, or whatever. It hurt my feelings. Doesn't that make sense?"

 

The fact is that no, the above statement does not make any logical sense, unless of course you request that if he is not thinking of you, he is also not thinking of other girls. This leaves him to think of other guys, himself, or inanimate objects: unfortunately this would make no reasonable sense either, although it is logically consistent. The only other option is to think of nothing at all! Discarding the absurd options above (and others which can be argued for, such as not thinking exclusively of you, but rather thinking of you and other girls or other objects), it is clear that the only reasonable option of thinking of something other than you while masturbating is to be thinking of other girls. So it can be implied that you did in fact say that you want to be thought of exclusively (unless of course he thinks of, say, an apple!).

 

Then again, say one of the above choices is correct; you then would be correct in stating that "I never said that I want my boyfriend to only think of me when he gets off". It is obvious you do not want him thinking of other girls, so suppose he develops some sort of apple fetish to keep your request in line (this is of course a perfectly hypothetical example, it is designed to illustrate a point, not insult your BF). I personally think that if you were to find this out, you would become jealous of apples! Then comments such as "It's just the concept of getting off on the image of an apple, fantasizing having sex with it or doing things to it, or whatever. It hurt my feelings" would be due. This can go on, and be extended to more real life examples, just replace "apple" with whatever else fits the situation.

 

So what am I trying to get at here: it is that this is an issue of control and acceptance. You feel threatened that you will be replaced by porn. Of course, it may as well be apples because the truth is that it does not matter what he thinks of, as long as it is not you. This rather unfortunate situation is caused by a lack of trust, and a misunderstanding of the uses of porn. It is used to curb sexual cravings when other means are not available, it is a supplement (meaning it should compliment the relationship) instead of a substitute. Get it, got it?

[Starnette83]

It just seems that the majority people are all for porn and well like the bible sais, everyone will think you're crazy!!!

 

Ya people think im crazy because im not ok with porn, its as tho im some strange creature from another planet, but honestly i dont care if people think im crazy, insecure or dumb for not liking porn, i wont pretend or change my mind about porn.

 

I think porn is ok for single guys but if you are taken and you have a serious relationship with a girl then a guy should respect his girl and not have to jack off to porn especially if hes constantly getting some from her.

 

Like my bf said to me "if you smoke you can but i wont kiss you" so i say to him now find, "if you want to jack off to porn its ok but no sex from me" i know its silly but well he should respect my opinion the same way i respect his.

 

PORN IS AN ADDICTION and even paris hilton used it to get more famous, it works on men and even some women

[ribeena]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

It's chicks that we have memories off. Bottom line, you're working towards counterproductivity. I'll tell you from personal experience, when there's no porn around I start recreating past experiences with old girlfriends in my head to get me off. Would you rather your boyfriend do that?

 

 

Why can't you think about your girlfriend to get you off rather than your exes?

[ribeena]

Originally posted by Starnette83

 

I think porn is ok for single guys but if you are taken and you have a serious relationship with a girl then a guy should respect his girl and not have to jack off to porn especially if hes constantly getting some from her.

 

Like my bf said to me "if you smoke you can but i wont kiss you" so i say to him now find, "if you want to jack off to porn its ok but no sex from me" i know its silly but well he should respect my opinion the same way i respect his.

 

Thats my view - i dont have a problem with it at all if your single but i just dont get it in a relationship - its like something you do through puberty & then you either grow out of it or not!!!

 

And as for the smoking, kissing thing, i gave up smoking for my boyfriend, i wear thongs even though i hate & look crap in them for my boyfriend, i've dressed up for him even tho i felt & looked stupid, i've let him do me up the bum even though i really didnt enjoy it - all the things that are his fantasys and i just feel like i dont do enuf or i'm not good enuf for him cos my bodys not perfect & he has to watch porn to satisfy the things that i cant do!!!

 

and yet i just feel i could never ask him to not watch porn or not watch as much even though i'll do what he asks me to!!!

[zara]

and what has he ever done for you? Has he ever let you insert something up his ass? Has he ever dressed up as a fireman for you? Would he do these things on a regular basis even though they bought him no pleasure other than satisfying you? - Doubt it but hell, that's men for you! And men, that's what women do ALL the time.

[revlis4891]

Exo man - I see your point. I guess I kind of contridicted myself. Maybe its because, when I masterbate, I don't need a visual, or need one person that I think of. It's just different for me. And if it came down for him to masterbate when thinking of me versus random naked girls on the internet... yeah, I'd choose me. Hell, we've been going out almost 2 years and we have no sex problems. Why would he need visuals of other girls?

 

But, I'm not a prude and I'm going to say selfishly that I deserve to be in his innermost thoughts every second of the day. So where does that leave me? Still trying to figure that out. I just don't see why he needs to jack off to other women when I give him what he needs. I would admit that I'd prefer him not trying to find other things to get him off. It's like he purposely digs through sites online to get aroused... makes me feel like I'm not enough. But I dont know. I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what gets to me about this.

 

Masterbating is an interesting topic - because I've watched porn videos before, and some things have gotten me excited, or looked at stuff online and thought some pictures were pretty hot... but I'd never masterbate to them. Guys kind of confuse me when it comes to that.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by ribeena

Why can't you think about your girlfriend to get you off rather than your exes?

 

I never said that I don't think about her when I masturbate. I do. However, I normally don't think about just one girl when I jack off. Sorry if I wasn't clear about that. My thoughts often drift from memory to memory, girl to girl. It doesn't mean anything. My girlfriend still ends up in the queue of my thoughts even when I'm jerking it to porn. So calm down, ladies. You don't know what we're thinking about, so stop assuming the worse.

 

Originally posted by revlis4891

Exo man - I see your point. I guess I kind of contridicted myself. Maybe its because, when I masterbate, I don't need a visual, or need one person that I think of. It's just different for me. And if it came down for him to masterbate when thinking of me versus random naked girls on the internet... yeah, I'd choose me. Hell, we've been going out almost 2 years and we have no sex problems. Why would he need visuals of other girls?

 

Your last sentence suggests something. It seems like you're regarding your boyfriend's masturbation as some sort of sexual problem in itself...but it isn't. Trust me on this, alright? This is just how we operate. You said it yourself. Masturbation is different for girls than it is for guys. This is what you need to deal with. For example, I couldn't imagine the idea of looking at or thinking about absolutely nothing when I'm jerking off. But that's because I'm a guy. We're visual creatures when it comes to sex.

 

This is just a hypothetical since I'm sure it's not an impediment to masturbation if you DO think of someone during the act, but consider if the norm for you was to masturbate while meditating and keeping your mind completely blank. It's better that way for you. You still enjoy sex with the boyfriend, you don't love him any less, that's just how you've done it all your life... now imagine that your boyfriend is personally offended by the fact that you think of nothing when you're masturbating. He thinks that you should be thinking of him and the fact that you're thinking of nothing is strange to him. He takes your blank mind to mean that he means nothing to you sexually. He starts to wonder if you imagine he's not even there during sex.

 

Wouldn't you have the same confused sort of "what the ****" expression on your face that we have now?

 

By the way, this is another argument completely, but it's something to think about. Does anyone else find it really ironic that women can feel justified with this Nazi-like hatred for porn and tend to feel paranoid or personally slighted by it, yet amazingly we're not losing any sleep over the myriad of dildos, vibrators, and various bathroom fixtures that women use? Is it just me? I know that not all women have a porn shop worth of sex toys, but it's not as though we all have a fortified bunker full of hardcore in our basements either, ladies. I haven't taken a poll or anything...but I can't imagine too many guys sitting around, being insanely jealous of their girlfriend's ****ing shower head.

 

"What? I'm not enough for her now or something? Damnit, this thing has thirteen settings and control the temperature accurate up to half a degree...I can't match up to that! That's it! Unless she stops using this thing, no more sex...ever."

 

Please. We don't give a ****. Seriously... women have more gadgets and tools at their disposal than BATMAN, and they're upset because we have *pictures*? Are you kidding me? I think some of you really need to sit the hell down, take a breath, and be happy you're not "accidently" discovering pictures of us tit****ing your sister. Women... *shakes head*

 

 

PS: Great post, Exo.

[moimeme]

I couldn't imagine the idea of looking at or thinking about absolutely nothing

 

Me neither. But I don't fantasize unless it's about my SO (if one's in the picture) and I won't fantasize about past people because if it's over, it's over and I'm not revisiting anything. Nor do I fantasize about movie stars or strangers in pictures. Like blind otter, I don't look at faces. I'm happier with them not shown, actually.

 

So what's left? I look at images to help me conjure up memories of sensation or fantasies of sensation. Not with anyone in particular. Just the physical feelings themselves. Of course I remember them because I've experienced them but I don't recall the specific people or instances. I don't replay past events at all.

[Grinning Maniac]

I almost never wank to movie stars and the like. I remember doing so when I was younger, but I suppose that was back in the day when the internet wasn't the massive thing it is now and kids had to LOOK for things to jerk off to. It was like being the Indiana Jones of psuedo-porn smuggling. If you got your hands on a Victoria's Secret catalog...shiiiit. You felt blessed.