Ex initiates contact after THREE years. WTF?

[JonClark]

Hey everyone!

My ex girlfriend and I were together for 8 months and were very happy during that time. I was really in love, but had to move away due to work. I was 20, she was 18. That was three years ago.

 

We broke up because she claimed she missed me too much. She dumped me and I was heartbroken, but went to NC after a few weeks. A month later, she was already seeing someone new and they broke up some months ago.

 

Three years with no contact, no interactions on Facebook (we're fb friends), no happy b-day wishes, no texting, no NOTHING for three years. She ignored me and I ignored her.

 

I had a hard time but I finally moved on and haven't been thinking about for her over 2 years.

 

Then some days ago, out of the blue, she contacts me. I know her and she's not exactly the most spontaneous person out there, so she probably had been planning to contact me for a while. It was through Facebook and she wrote:

 

"Hey (my name). I was sitting here and thinking about you. How are you? I see you're career is doing great - congrats! It's been too long since I've heard from you!"

 

I answered calmly with the typical "Hey, I'm fine, how are you?" message.

She wrote, I replied, she replied, I replied and so on for about two hours.

 

I decided to do some mind-gaming and deliberately checked the message, so she could see I saw it, but replied 24 hours later. When I finally replied the next day, she did the exact same thing - clicked on the message so I could see she saw it and then replied to me 28 hours later.

 

Then we started writing normally again (this is on the fourth day) but then she didn't reply for two days. When she did reply, I was too busy so I replied some days later too. I kinda got the feeling she didn't want to talk to me anymore afterwards, because when I finally replied, she wrote "Yeah, cool." That was it. The conversation died.

 

Anyways, why did she contact me? After NO CONTACT for three years, why the sudden interest in my life? Why the need to disturb the peace when everything was said and done?

 

I don't know what I'm feeling or if I'd want a second chance, I just know it's confusing and irritating. What did/does she want? I know her and something just ain't right.

Edited November 9, 2013 by JonClark

[Waz]

No one could know, even you, what she was thinking.

Well, i suggest you to leave it as it is. Don't initiate contact, see if she will initiate again. Then, the sure thing is that she probably wants something from you. Time will tell what exactly.

It can't bother you anymore with feelings, so this would be a nice way to find out (if there's anything to find at all, maybe she reached out of curiosity) what she wants in my opinion.

[Riou]

Why would you do mind games and waste her time if you are interested?That's childish.She probably lost interest after seeing how you behaved.You don't know her,what you know is the her in the past 3 years ago,3 years can change people alot.Don't think too much and just don't pull mind games next time.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Riou

[heartshaped]

I'm guessing she broke up with her boyfriend recently, was bored, and lonely. Decided to explore that option with you, you didn't seem too interested, so she dropped it.

[BC1980]

This seems like curiosity plain and simple. I had an ex from college request me on Facebook some 6 years later. It means they are bored at the moment.

[emz23]

What do you want out of it? If you don't want her back then you did the right thing by playing games (ignoring her would also have worked).

If you did want her back then I think you ruined it by playing games. She probably did think long and hard about contacting you. Then when you made it obvious you were playing games she thought it was pointless. You might be able to save it by trying to contact her again if you want to.

If you don't want to get back with her then the reason why she contacted you is a bit irrelevant?

[JonClark]

What do you want out of it? If you don't want her back then you did the right thing by playing games (ignoring her would also have worked).

If you did want her back then I think you ruined it by playing games. She probably did think long and hard about contacting you. Then when you made it obvious you were playing games she thought it was pointless. You might be able to save it by trying to contact her again if you want to.

If you don't want to get back with her then the reason why she contacted you is a bit irrelevant?

I didn't care until she contacted me and the only reason I was playing mind games was because I didn't want to get hurt again and thought I should test the waters first. I simply just didn't believe she'd be interested again.

 

Now, days after our last contact, she has made me think about her again. I can't stop thinking about WHY and WHAT she wanted. I just want to find out and see if I'd be open to that. I don't want to raise my expectations if she only tried to boost her own ego.

 

If I had to initiate the contact now, should I make it obvious or just write a simple "Hey. How are you?" - what is the best way to contact her without pushing her away?

[JonClark]

Why would you do mind games and waste her time if you are interested?That's childish.She probably lost interest after seeing how you behaved.You don't know her,what you know is the her in the past 3 years ago,3 years can change people alot.Don't think too much and just don't pull mind games next time.

 

True but I guess I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt all over again. I found the contact random and sudden, so I just wanted to see how she'd react if I did that.

 

You think I should save the whole situation by initiating the contact next time?

[Riou]

True but I guess I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt all over again. I found the contact random and sudden, so I just wanted to see how she'd react if I did that.

 

You think I should save the whole situation by initiating the contact next time?

 

You sound like you had never really let go. Don't ponder too much about her contact because she could be just bored or wanting to catch up as a friend. I have been a dumper before,if i contact an ex to be friends and she play mind games i would think that she is still hurting or no improvements are made. What were you trying to achieve from your mind games?

 

You can initiate contact but don't expect anything.

[JonClark]

You sound like you had never really let go. Don't ponder too much about her contact because she could be just bored or wanting to catch up as a friend. I have been a dumper before,if i contact an ex to be friends and she play mind games i would think that she is still hurting or no improvements are made. What were you trying to achieve from your mind games?

 

You can initiate contact but don't expect anything.

Well, I don't think she realized any of the mind game stuff. You have to remember SHE was the one to initiate contact and I replied for the first few hours until I decided it was best to play hard-to-get, so I didn't act too desperate. It didn't even bother me, because I felt I had the upperhand, and when she did the exact thing, I kinda realized she was playing a bit hard-to-get herself and doesn't want to act desperate either. At least I replied normally, she checked the message and waited 10 min. per. text before replying, actually.

 

I was trying to achieve an upperhand, because I wanted to protect myself.

 

What makes you think she realized I was doing it on purpose? I replied normally 90% of the time.

[Riou]

Well, I don't think she realized any of the mind game stuff. You have to remember SHE was the one to initiate contact and I replied for the first few hours until I decided it was best to play hard-to-get, so I didn't act too desperate. It didn't even bother me, because I felt I had the upperhand, and when she did the exact thing, I kinda realized she was playing a bit hard-to-get herself and doesn't want to act desperate either. At least I replied normally, she checked the message and waited 10 min. per. text before replying, actually.

 

I was trying to achieve an upperhand, because I wanted to protect myself.

 

What makes you think she realized I was doing it on purpose? I replied normally 90% of the time.

 

So what if she's the one to initiate contact? Mind games are desperate,if i am her and i sense a game,i would think my dumpee is a loser who still can't let it go and lose interest right away. If you feel you have to achieve a so called upperhand to protect yourself,you are clearly not ready to talk to her as you are deeply affected by her contact.

 

Since you want to protect yourself,go NC.You are not ready if you can't talk to her without feeling the anxiety to get an upperhand.

 

It's easy to see you are playing a game.Whether she saw it or not the thing is you screwed up any possible chance by mind games.

[Liloush]

Hi, just wanted to say people grow and learn. Myself Ive been a dumper and the guy I dumped has been around in my area again. I know I would love to have another try with him after 8 years. Ive grown and learned enough to appreciate him this time around.

[Sugarkane]

I'm skeptical after I had an ex do this and play mind games, just to get an ego boost. Plus if youre a dumpee and did this you'd look desperate and not over it. Sony know why it isn't the same for dumpers.

[JonClark]

So what if she's the one to initiate contact? Mind games are desperate,if i am her and i sense a game,i would think my dumpee is a loser who still can't let it go and lose interest right away. If you feel you have to achieve a so called upperhand to protect yourself,you are clearly not ready to talk to her as you are deeply affected by her contact.

 

Since you want to protect yourself,go NC.You are not ready if you can't talk to her without feeling the anxiety to get an upperhand.

 

It's easy to see you are playing a game.Whether she saw it or not the thing is you screwed up any possible chance by mind games.

 

Well, I didn't really think she was interested, so I did kinda try to make her chase me more by not acting desperate. That's how women do it, and that's what I've been told to do during NC. How the hell should I have known how to react, not really knowing what she wanted in the first place? I came here for advice, and you're acting like it's something I should've known!? She dumped me, how in the world should I have known how to text her and what not to do? Mixed signals don't really make it obvious.

[Riou]

Well, I didn't really think she was interested, so I did kinda try to make her chase me more by not acting desperate. That's how women do it, and that's what I've been told to do during NC. How the hell should I have known how to react, not really knowing what she wanted in the first place? I came here for advice, and you're acting like it's something I should've known!? She dumped me, how in the world should I have known how to text her and what not to do? Mixed signals don't really make it obvious.

 

You should know not to play mind games because it's childish,that's all.

I am not saying you should know anything,but you are flung off by her contact,which is why you don't seem ready at all.

 

"That's how women do it, and that's what I've been told to do during NC. "

You generalize that women do it and it's not mature to compare like that.

Nobody taught you to play mind games,the most people told you to appear busy.Reading a message and replying a long time later like nothing happen tells her you are playing a game and it's lame and rude.

It's not the same as not reading a message because you are busy.

Besides her taking 10minutes to reply a message shows that she has other things to do,i don't know how you see it as she did it purposely on you.

 

Can you teach me how does reading someone's message and replying it a long time later make another person chase you?Your mind is full of games,the dumper would be able to see you have not made any improvements.What's worse is seeing a dumpee playing mind games 3 long years later totally kills it.You came here for honest advice and not fantasies so keep in mind mind games lead you to nowhere and stop pushing your ex away the next time she contacts if you are still hung up on the relationship.

[BC1980]

I feel like she probably doesn't even really know why she contacted you. There could be several reasons, but we won't know until she tells you. She may never tell you for all we know.

[JonClark]

You should know not to play mind games because it's childish,that's all.

I am not saying you should know anything,but you are flung off by her contact,which is why you don't seem ready at all.

 

"That's how women do it, and that's what I've been told to do during NC. "

You generalize that women do it and it's not mature to compare like that.

Nobody taught you to play mind games,the most people told you to appear busy.Reading a message and replying a long time later like nothing happen tells her you are playing a game and it's lame and rude.

It's not the same as not reading a message because you are busy.

Besides her taking 10minutes to reply a message shows that she has other things to do,i don't know how you see it as she did it purposely on you.

 

Can you teach me how does reading someone's message and replying it a long time later make another person chase you?Your mind is full of games,the dumper would be able to see you have not made any improvements.What's worse is seeing a dumpee playing mind games 3 long years later totally kills it.You came here for honest advice and not fantasies so keep in mind mind games lead you to nowhere and stop pushing your ex away the next time she contacts if you are still hung up on the relationship.

 

Explain to me why she did the same thing? Don't tell me she's busy because she only did it after I did it. She also did it twice, I did it once. I'm not sure why you singled me out? She clearly didn't mind the mind-game when she did it herself directly afterwards.

 

Look, I'm confused, I thought i wouldn't care but I do. I need advice, not a humiliation.

[emz23]

She was 18, so she is now 21. People grow up during that time:

 

option1: she grew up, looked back and saw it was a good relationship that shouldn't have ended. She sent you a message to test the waters. You played mind games, she realized you hadn't grown up and gave up.

 

Option 2: she just got out of a relationship had a bit of nostalgia and thought she'd like to hook up with you again as an easy option. You played mind games, she saw it was too much effort and gave up.

 

Option 3, 4, 5 etc... who knows

 

Also please don't generalize about women. Even in my group of close friends we all approach situations differently.

 

Again what do you want out of this? Do you want to get back together?

The easiest way to find out why she contacted you out of the blue is to ask her is it not?

[JonClark]

She was 18, so she is now 21. People grow up during that time:

 

option1: she grew up, looked back and saw it was a good relationship that shouldn't have ended. She sent you a message to test the waters. You played mind games, she realized you hadn't grown up and gave up.

 

Option 2: she just got out of a relationship had a bit of nostalgia and thought she'd like to hook up with you again as an easy option. You played mind games, she saw it was too much effort and gave up.

 

Option 3, 4, 5 etc... who knows

 

Also please don't generalize about women. Even in my group of close friends we all approach situations differently.

 

Again what do you want out of this? Do you want to get back together?

The easiest way to find out why she contacted you out of the blue is to ask her is it not?

You're REALLY forgetting that she played mind-games on me too. So I wouldn't understand why she would've thought it was too much effort when she did it herself. Plain and simple. She did it TWICE. It wasn't just me playing hard-to-get and her quitting. It was me playing a little hard-to-get and then HER playing the same game on ME.

 

The more I look at it, the more it seems like the conversation died naturally because BOTH of us don't really know what to write next. Is it that hard for her to not realize that I may be a little unsure of what she wants, therefore not really knowing what to write and react? She dumped me, for Pete's sake.

 

Question remains: what do I write or should I wait for her? And yes, I'd want to try again, not a guarantee, but I'd like to try at least.

Edited November 10, 2013 by JonClark

[Waz]

Well, my personal suggestion to you, is to wait for her to initiate first. Ok, you played a mind game (This would not be a mind game, but you are the one who said that in your thread - to test her, she maybe didn't take it as mind game but like as you are busy or something). So what? She did something similar to you (you can't know if she did this on purpose or not, it's the same.), now if she really wants to get back with you, she will reach out again for sure. All these matters aren't worth at all, cause if someone wants something really bad, he will do it.

 

Should you call her first? In my opinion no way. You are the one who was dumped, i assume back then when you two broke up, you showed her clearly if you still wanted her or if you agreed with the break up, also you didn't expect anything until she messaged you, right? You moved on. She then one day tried to get back in your life with no clear reason. It's not your problem, if she wants to say or to do something, she must be the one who should do it, not you, how the hell are you supposed to know what's on her mind? Don't trap yourself. You even wouldn't discuss this situation or feel anything weird if she didn't reach out before some days. So no, all of a sudden she wants something? Let her get it, it's not that you have to know what this is or to do something. It's her action, her call, you shouldn't even occupy your mind about it.

 

But again, that's just my opinion.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Waz

[Sugarkane]

Maybe the OPs ex should be honest why she's contacting in the first place? After all she was the dumper?

She was 18, so she is now 21. People grow up during that time:

 

option1: she grew up, looked back and saw it was a good relationship that shouldn't have ended. She sent you a message to test the waters. You played mind games, she realized you hadn't grown up and gave up.

 

Option 2: she just got out of a relationship had a bit of nostalgia and thought she'd like to hook up with you again as an easy option. You played mind games, she saw it was too much effort and gave up.

 

Option 3, 4, 5 etc... who knows

 

Also please don't generalize about women. Even in my group of close friends we all approach situations differently.

 

Again what do you want out of this? Do you want to get back together?

The easiest way to find out why she contacted you out of the blue is to ask her is it not?

[j.gman]

Maybe she's trying to substitute her recently dumped bf with you.

Anyway, there's not enough information here.

[JonClark]

Well, my personal suggestion to you, is to wait for her to initiate first. Ok, you played a mind game (This would not be a mind game, but you are the one who said that in your thread - to test her, she maybe didn't take it as mind game but like as you are busy or something). So what? She did something similar to you (you can't know if she did this on purpose or not, it's the same.), now if she really wants to get back with you, she will reach out again for sure. All these matters aren't worth at all, cause if someone wants something really bad, he will do it.

 

Should you call her first? In my opinion no way. You are the one who was dumped, i assume back then when you two broke up, you showed her clearly if you still wanted her or if you agreed with the break up, also you didn't expect anything until she messaged you, right? You moved on. She then one day tried to get back in your life with no clear reason. It's not your problem, if she wants to say or to do something, she must be the one who should do it, not you, how the hell are you supposed to know what's on her mind? Don't trap yourself. You even wouldn't discuss this situation or feel anything weird if she didn't reach out before some days. So no, all of a sudden she wants something? Let her get it, it's not that you have to know what this is or to do something. It's her action, her call, you shouldn't even occupy your mind about it.

 

But again, that's just my opinion.

 

THANK YOU for the reply. It's simply confusing and I was completely over her before. I was at a point in my life where I didn't care if she got hitched or impregnated. She was out of my life and I was doing great!

 

BUT she was my girlfriend and I loved her very very very much. So when she comes back, out of the blue, and you start reminiscing and talking again, you redevelop some of the feelings that were supposedly long gone, don't you? It's human, I think.

 

She came, she went and she left me confused and kinda infatuated all over again, which is the problem. I might have acted too busy, but so did she. I don't need her, but this whole situation has made me think about her again. That's bad because the only times I know of where I thought about her, were times when I was either in love or heartbroken, meaning it was obvious some feelings would resurface, sadly.

 

Thx for the advice, I think it's best to wait. Maybe I did play too busy and let her on thinking I didn't care at all, but so did she or else we wouldn't have this conversation on this forum right now, would we?

 

My birthday is coming up, since we're on "speaking terms" again, maybe she'll contact me then and I could take it from there?

Edited November 11, 2013 by JonClark

[JonClark]

Maybe she's trying to substitute her recently dumped bf with you.

Anyway, there's not enough information here.

Maybe.

 

But we're talking about a girl who didn't interact for three years. And she had every opportunity to, yet she never did. After three years she suddenly wants to hear about my life, exactly at a time when she's single again? (Yes, she's single again and has been for a few months now, actually).

 

This is NOT just some random contact, that is something I'm pretty sure of, sadly.