Married for 10 years but still seeing me 16yrs on..?

[Grecian2000]

What is going through his mind? We met 16yrs ago, had a full blown relationship for 5 years, and although he wasnt faithful, there has never been any denying our strength of feelings for each other despite the ups & downs. When on a break of a couple of months he announced his marriage and despite the anguish this caused me he married, is still married 10 years on with no plans to leave his marriage (which I accept) but our 'relationship' (whatever it is?) has continued throughout his marriage ie daily text contact and monthly overnighters for all these years. He tells me he's fully committed to our 'arrangement' even though he carries feelings of guilt towards his wife of 10 years, though we've actively been together for 16yrs. After so long, why does he continue with me? He never proclaims his love to me but after so long surely he must feel something for me? After fighting my emotions about him (I love him), I've now accepted that for me.. I will always want him in my life so our arrangement for me is better than no arrangement. Does the fact we've been 'together' for so long count for anything? I also get the impression that he is unable to voice his true feelings towards me as a way of coping with the emotional guilt he feels towards his wife? Can anyone shed any light on what's going on for him? I am not married but have had a boyfriend for the last 5 years who I've obviously not fully committed myself or feel love for in the way that I do for this man...

[Grumpybutfun]

Grecian:

You have accepted him and the situation so why does it matter what is going on for him? Curiosity?

Well, okay, imo you are a receptacle for this man's penis. He was unmarried at some point, yet he still chose someone else to marry instead of you. yet, he likes having you at his beck and call and to stroke his ego.

He feels nothing for you. You are a convenient receptacle for his penis when his wife won't do the nasty stuff or won't give it up as much as he likes. This is how men like this think so if you are okay with being "committed" to man who treats you like this, then all is well.

 

His guilt isn't why he won't voice his true feelings towards you. It is because you are a receptacle for his penis, nothing more. It is very lucky for him that you expect so little.

G

[AutumnMoon]

Screw that he doesn't feel anything for her. 16 years? Bull ****.

 

There is feelings.

 

Doesn't mean it's worth the pain it's causing you. You have to decide that yourself. If you accept this for what it is.. I love my other man too and I don't think we would have worked in a real marriage together.. Too much heat too much crazy.. It works for us like this..

 

You have to decide what you really want and work towards that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Grumpy hit the nail on the head.

 

Your MM married while in a relationship with you. He has never viewed you anything other than a side piece.

 

I guarantee you, his committed once monthly arrangement will cease to exist once his other 29 days of the month wife finds out.

 

I am terribly sad that the both of you brought two innocent parties into this dysfunction intentionally.

[harrybrown]

He is using you for the benefits.

 

It hurts you that he married someone else.

 

The best way to is cut him out of your life. Go NC, do the 180.

 

Also, if you do not love your boyfriend, tell him to move on. Do not lead him on into thinking he has your heart. Tell him that you love another and always will.

 

I feel for your AP's wife. Why don't you tell her? Maybe she will drop him or maybe she will not. But this is not a real life. Life is too short to be his side choice.

[Grecian2000]

The OW turned wife did do the dirty on me and we did have words in the early days before and after marriage when I told her that I knew him better than her.. she had only known him a matter if months.. and that even while he was with her, I was still very much in a relationship with him and is he is still seeing me and its her behaviour that is wrong, not mine.. I am his GF! I told her he isn't the person she thinks he is and that her quest to have him and marry him regardless of my feelings doesn't a recipe for a happy marriage make.

Ultimately she didnt care what I had to say or how distressed/distraught I was.. She was a woman on a mission!

 

Don't get me wrong, my continuing to see him, and him me isnt about revenge.. in my mind I feel no empathy towards her..just as she had felt nothing for me in my dark days. She was the OW not me.. and although my situation is completely warped with all these feelings sloshing around after 16yrs.. I was there first and although I didn't achieve marriage with him (thankfully now) we have simply kept our relationship burning 16yrs on. Yes i could let go but despite trying to find another relationship with potential.. this just hasnt happened for me (& not for want of trying). He says on the very few occasions i manage to get him to talk and rationalise what is going on between us that human beings are complex and that just stopping seeing me or doing something about any parts of his marriage he isn't happy with isn't that simple. I also acknowledge that the focus on him having his cake also relates to me... In an ideal world things between us would be very different but today our mutual relationship and accepting of it, at least for now and despite all this time that has passed.. is just what it is..?

 

I now realise and have come to terms, as much as I can about all that has happened between us and the leftover relationship I now have with him and yes he can only be a **** for the way he's treated me & her.. and even though he's having his cake and eating it with only the price of a little guilt perhaps to pay, he's obviously willing to pay the price & that includes the threat of her finding out. She has caught him out with me in the past but that didnt put her off. In fact, from having nothing, in her relationship with him she has accumulated a more than comfortable lifestyle and stands to make some serious money should she choose to divorce him for infidelity.

 

By all accounts, she is happy in their marriage he says..and for him his marriage is bearable although I feel he is very much aware of what he has to loose financially - yet he continues to take the risk of loosing it all.. WHY? I know people will argue I'm a mug and must be desparate to still be around after all this time but trust me my glasses are not rose coloured. What I'm trying to understand is, with the potential for disaster he faces, is the length of time we've been together that is making it diff for us both to let go... I just don't get it! Maybe I never will??

[liloldlady]

After so long, why does he continue with me?

 

I can't imagine what it must feel like to have someone get married while he's in a relationship with you. Gut wrenching.

 

Does the fact we've been 'together' for so long count for anything?

 

Apparently not to him. You're the fall back girl. Good but not good enough in his mind, whatever it may mean.

 

I've heard of this happening: guy dates girl A for a million years, entrance girl B & he falls for her; the latter relationship stays on a natural course of progression.

 

I'm sad that you caught him cheating multiple times during the first 6 years of your (very one sided, might I add; he doesn't tell you he loves you??) relationship.

 

I think you gotta get your self esteem up! There are way cooler men out there that you, since I presume, are unmarried, are technically free to mix and mingle with.

 

I feel this arrangement is what it is, but you can also expand your horizons and find someone who will treat you better.

 

I am not married but have had a boyfriend for the last 5 years who I've obviously not fully committed myself or feel love for in the way that I do for this man...

 

Oh, so you have two boyfriends. Interesting!

[liloldlady]

when his wife won't do the nasty stuff

 

Second time I've read that phrase in as many days.

[liloldlady]

She was the OW not me..

 

Neither of you were at that time. He wasn't married. He chose her over you.

Edited November 9, 2013 by liloldlady

[EllyM]

Grecian - - wow. This is a no-brainer. You have no respect for yourself, and neither does this idiot with which you've wasted 16 years of your life. You stated that you realized he was having his cake and eating it too, and the price was possibly feeling a little guilt - - - oh I seriously doubt he feels ANY guilt whatsoever. He does not love you or his wife. I guarantee he only loves himself.

 

It's amazing that you've put so much time into this faux-relationship. He's been married for 10 years - do you believe that someday things will change and he will divorce her and want to be with you? If he didn't want you exclusively after the first 6 years, why would you choose to keep yourself in his life and let him use you like this? If you've never been to counseling, I suggest you start going. Stay away from this toxic man, learn to respect yourself, and someday you will find peace and happiness in your life.

[beach]

What is going through YOUR mind?

 

He does it because YOU have ALLOWED it!

 

What a waste for YOU for 16 years!

 

Think more of yourself! Get rid of him!

[Lemonitaz]

Hi Grecian- it sounds like you are trying to understand "why" he is keeping this charade up for so long, and that you are hoping the reason is because he actually loves you more.

 

But after reading your post, it just sounds to me like the reason he is keeping it up for so long is simple- because he CAN. He seems to feel no guilt and does not want to leave his comfortable lifestyle. I think if someone feels no guilt in these situations, then why WOULD they leave if all parties involved are letting it continue as is? He doesn't want to rock the boat, simple as that. This likely has nothing to do with how strong his feelings may or may not be for you.

[Grecian2000]

Thank you all for your replies... & though I'm trying to fight the words of wisdom offered up and appreciated... The realisation is starting to dawn that 16yrs haven't cemented anything except the extent of my denial; that I haven't amassed 16yrs of worth but simply 16yts of stupidity!!

 

All my responses have focused on what he's getting out of it all but it would be silly and unrealistic to assume that in all this time I haven't got anything out of the relationship neither because I have... I have got out of him exactly what he has got out of me... the way things are and have been has to a large extent suited me also.. Looking back isn't only filled with moments of sadness but moments of sheer enjoyment... I accept its only moments but regular ongoing moments that have more than kept me going when in other areas of my life.. my life's pages have been empty! I have also enjoyed many benefits from this warped relationship.

 

However, in his words how long can we keep going like this? Which echo the advice I'm also receiving and so I now need to plan my exit and leave him to his chosen one, lovehearts, warts & all. It's time for me to make the change I now understand I do need to make... time in not standing still for the last 16yrs has in fact stood still for me and I need to let go of what I thought was enjoyment and a goid for me arrangement that ive simply just got used to... nothing more nothing less it seems!

[The Way I Am]

No, he doesn't love you. If he loved you, he wouldn't have been dating or married another woman. The reason he's staying with you is because you're allowing him to have some sex on the side of his relationship.

 

The fact that it's been 16 years probably does matter. Because you have such little respect for yourself that you're willing to accept this for so long, he probably cares for you even less than he did over 10 years ago when he loved you so little that he married someone else.

 

I was dating a guy for several months but we split up because I felt like I couldn't trust him. I year or so later, I decided to give him another chance. After about a month, his Facebook status suddenly changed to "in a relationship". Odd considering his family had just seen us together and we hadn't discussed making the relationship official. A day or two later, he suddenly posted tons of pictures of the 2 of them together. A couple days later, the jerk had the nerve to text me "What's up?" at midnight. I had no illusions that had slept with me and was still contacting me behind his new gf's back because he loved me so much. It was because he was a sleazy pig, just like your guy.

 

It's truly sad that you didn't have the wisdom or self-esteem to walk away when he first showed you how little he cared about you. It's also sad that by holding onto him, you've probably caused all your attempts to find another guy fail but are using those failures as a justification for staying with him. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to fall in love with one person when you're still holding onto someone else.

 

Please get yourself some therapy and get away from this man unless spending your life this way makes you happy.