Is lack of emotional availability a reason for divorce?

[jabsterini]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, and I’m just hoping to get some food for thought. I apologize in advance. I am wordy…

 

 

I have been married for 18 years and have three children. We got married when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest; we were pretty young at the time. Lately I have felt that I really don’t want to be married anymore, but my problems seem so petty compared to people who deal with abuse of some kind or truly dysfunctional arrangements, that I wonder if the stress of my lifestyle (I am working on a PhD) is the problem or if it is truly is my marriage.

 

 

 

My husband is a good person and a good provider. I have never been unhappy necessarily, but I’m not sure that I would characterize myself as happy either. I have been seeing an IC, and he believes my husband and I are not compatible. In some ways, I think he is right. My husband and I are very logical, responsible, take care of business types (we are both oldest children and in mathematical\engineering fields), but I am also very emotional where he is not. In fact, my husband really does not engage with me emotionally at all. This is nothing new, but the stress of pursuing a PhD has made his lack of attention harder for me to deal with.

 

 

 

Recently, I had an emotional affair with a male acquaintance. I started seeing the IC when the OM’s wife found out and the relationship was brought to an abrupt halt. I have felt completely heartbroken ever since. It is completely ridiculous because I know this man is terrible for me, but emotionally he gave me what I needed. I feel like I never knew what I was missing until the OM showed me, and now that it has been taken away, I am lost. I miss him terribly and am sinking into a deep depression without him. I recognize exactly how pathetic that is, but I feel powerless to do anything about it.

 

 

The IC says that people like me have an easy time sweeping need fulfillment under the rug (mainly because it isn’t logical). He says that we tend to get by on other things when our needs are not being met, but graduate school has a way of destroying all the things we survive on (I agree!) and need fulfillment becomes unavoidable. He said avoiding need fulfillment is even easier if we view the spouse as a good provider.

 

 

 

My question is: do people actually get divorced because their emotional needs are not being met? My husband really doesn’t talk to me, and I am lonely in my own house. School is so stressful that at times I will cry day after day when I get home at the end of the day, and he won’t even ask me what is wrong. Honestly, I don’t think he cares what is wrong. He just ignores me. The other day a friend commented that from the outside I look like I have it all, nice house, nice car, good kids, nice husband, working on a PhD. I got all choked up and almost started crying (you could easily hear in my voice that the water works were coming) because I know that I have all of these things, but it just isn’t enough. I am lost and lonely. The whole time my husband was sitting there poking around on his phone. My friend understands what has been going on turned to him and said “Your wife is getting ready to start crying here, and you are just sitting there on your phone with nothing to say. Do you not know how to respond, are you not interested, or is it something else?” He gave a sheepish sort of grin and said “Well, I guess I’m not interested.” Really?

 

 

I’m just so frustrated. I am tired of feeling like I am on my own. My perfectionist tendencies already make me feel inadequate most of the time, but the fact that he is the same way means that if I am not criticizing myself than I have him doing it for me. I feel selfish for even thinking about divorce. I just want to be with someone who I can feel like a good, hardworking, adept individual around. I want to be with someone who wants to take care of me instead of leaving me on my own all the time. I want someone who will put his arm around me when I am crying and say “I can’t fix it, but I am here with you, and everything will be ok.”

 

 

 

Am I being ridiculous? I feel awful and selfish for even thinking this. I miss the OM desperately. I felt pretty, smart, valued, capable, and like someone was there for me. I know my husband loves me, but is not getting what I need really a reason to leave? I’m having such a hard time believing that emotional needs are a reason to upset everyone’s lives.

 

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[2sunny]

I'm sure this isn't a new observation to you - your H has been this way all along.

 

He's not interested...

 

You choose. Divorce - or stay.

[vanillacrow]

I feel for you. I too am intensely lonely. I want to leave, and don't because I feel it would be unfair to my child if I put my needs ahead of hers. How old are the kids? How emotionally negative vs current lonely would the cost of divorce and custody process be? With three kids, unless all are grown and out of house, i would likely patch it like you did, find a platonic friend who fulfills emotional needs, and cope somehow until the the emotional costs of a divorce and custody battle would be less than the sad and lonely bit.

[strive]

I understand what you're going through. I have felt this way for so long with mine too and the difference is that I resented my ex and lash at him for it. Which led him to resenting me in turn and breaking up our family after 10 years.

 

Emotional fulfillment is a very important factor in a relationship, but the levels and kinds (ex. verbal reinforcement, quality time, physical contact, etc.) vary from one person to another.

 

But I believe that you can still make it work if you're both willing to try. And not just you trying it your way, or him trying it his way. Have you talked to a MC? This is still salvageable. Try for your family.

 

And stop with the EA--that is a very selfish act. You weren't strong enough to prevent it from happening and now you're devastated when it ended so I'm sorry I don't feel sorry for you on that point. You need to ask forgiveness for that.

[trippi1432]

Based on your title.....yes...

[jabsterini]

Thanks for the replies everyone- I really do appreciate it.

 

2sunny, yes you are right. It has always bothered me, but I have always been able to bury it. I'm not sure why these feelings have to rear their ugly heads now.

 

strive, I have completely stopped. There is absolutely NC. And you are 100% correct- selfish.

 

vanillacrow and strive, I'm sorry you are feeling the same way. My kids are 18, 16, and 12. I feel so selfish for even thinking about leaving, but then I also wonder if continuing to show my children that this is what marriage is has its own negative ramifications? I will think about a MC. My IC says my H can be trained to respond to me in the way I need him to. I don't want him trained. If his caring about my emotional well-being is some trick he is taught rather than authentic concern, I don't think I want it.

 

Thank you, trippi.

[strive]

You should change therapist. Why would they even suggest that?

 

Good luck. You're a good wife and a good mother. You're just needing a little bit more love and I hope your partner realize that.

[carhill]

If you want to preserve or grow your marriage, see a MC. I found, personally, that MC also assisted with a more amicable divorce. IC is strictly for one person with all other considerations being secondary.

 

Regarding 'training' your husband, here's something to consider. He was 'trained' in his FOO by example and interaction with his role models and, later, integrating with peer groups. People aren't born stoic. They are made. Therapy helped me learn to be more stoic and masculine, training I never received in FOO. The reverse can also occur, of course with the person being sufficiently self-aware and desirous of the changes contemplated.

 

If this all sounds too complicated, I'd suggest, rather than agonizing about it, file for divorce and request mediation and push for an amicable end to this partnership. That in itself can be a great life lesson to the young people you're socializing. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe not. To me the vows mean more than I'm leaving because everything is not perfect.

 

Listen to a country song by Reba McEntyre called Is There Life Out There? Is about a woman who married young & now that her kids are grown she is wondering what else there may be. Obviously a song isn't going to change your life but it may give you things to think about.

[Misadventure]

 

My question is: do people actually get divorced because their emotional needs are not being met?

 

Am I being ridiculous?

 

Yes, they do.... and no you are not, but also re-examine your own actions and what you want. KNOW what you want and ask him directly if he is able to give this to you.

 

I'm sure this isn't a new observation to you - your H has been this way all along.

 

He's not interested...

 

You choose. Divorce - or stay.

[oldshirt]

Since you are logical person I will try to make something completely illogical make some sense.

 

Since you've been married 18 years I am assuming you are a fullgrown adult and your children are no longer babies in diapers needing two people to provide for their actual physical survival needs.

 

I'm also going to assume that both you and your husband are educated and have a reasonable means of supporting yourselves and providing adequate support for the children from two homes.

 

I am also going to assume that both of you are able to communicate rationally enough to the degree that you would be able to work out coparenting responsibilities in an effective manner.

 

Soooo the question you need to ask yourself now is, is this how you want to live the rest of your life or do you want something different for the remainder of your years.

 

If you want to move on and find someone more emotionally stimulating and more emotionally compatable, there really isn't anything "logical" or real, stopping you from doing it.

 

Children are harmed in divorce when one or both parents are abusive, substance addicts, adulterous (and even then it's damaging when the chronic adulterer/adulteress remains in the marraige and continues to cheat) or has abandoned the family.

 

You haven't given any indication that suggests both of you would not remain committed coparents dedicated to maintaining supportive relationships with the kids.

 

 

You have to weigh the real-world benefits vs the real-world risks and problems.

 

Even though you are a logical person, I think you are troubled most by the moral issues posed by divorce and I am not sure there is any real moral issue or problem taking place here.

 

Divorce will bring with it some hardships, challenges and second-guessing at times but I'm not really seeing any true harm or damage that will come from it.

 

The question is will having the freedom to pursue your own passions and interest outweigh the pain in the butt of having to move to a downsized home and having to pass kids off back and forth and having a few of his relatives tongue-clicking at you when your back is turned???

[littlejaz]

For me, it was, but I don't have children. I just couldn't go on any longer being desperately lonely in my marriage. Like you my husband paid no attention to me at all. I wanted a partner in life but what I got was a dependent. My husband left everything up to me. He made no decisions at all and that just isn't what marriage means to me. In the end you will have to decide for yourself. I would try to get him into marriage counseling, but if he refuses then you have to decide if you want to be happy or just be. You only have a few years left and then your children will be gone, and you will truly be emotionally all alone.

 

I wish you the best.

[dienstag]

From what i read i gather you have no idea what is going on in your husband's head. If he doesnt care about you- he has got to have care for something, right?

I have been there, with the baggage of emotional loneliness and a clever temptation in the face of a co-worker. Not the solution to your marriage issues.

 

Turned out my ex H did have a life and all sorts of interests - only i was not included. I also could not bring myself to break the marriage, especially with kids when there are no "real" reasons, only stuff in my head. My ex H was staying married to me for financial and tax reasons, as divorce is quote<rather costly> and 12 years of my life were cheaper.

 

In your original post you say something like <i am sure he loves me> - how are you sure? Cause he says so? Cause you know him for so long? Answer is....

 

I am no expert and going through rough times myself but my idea would be dont just concetrate on yourself, if your marriage is to be saved somehow it would take both of you and for the right reasons to stay together.

[jabsterini]

Thank you all for the insight! It is much appreciated. You have given me a lot to think about and have made some good points.

 

How do I know he loves me? He does tell me every now and then, but the biggest thing for me is that he has made a fairly big financial and professional sacrifice for me to be able to go to school (sold a house that we worked extremely hard on for 7 long years, moved to another state, works from home but travels for work more to make up for it).

 

I don't doubt his love (although sometimes I not sure if he really LIKES me), it is just that I feel like we live parallel to each other. I do my stuff, he does his, there is very little interaction, etc. I just feel like I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely and with someone. I have told him that I think I will be lonely when the oldest two move out of the house. He said something along the lines of I was being silly because we talk all the time. I go out to eat with him, and he plays on his phone the whole time or stares at the tv on the wall (I swear every restaurant we go to has tvs anymore!). I have told him I don't like it. He does it anyway.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the problem is that he is so introverted and I am extroverted. I NEED social interaction to a degree that he can't understand. I'm just so tired of being the one who meets people or makes friends for us. Honestly, I think that was a lot of the attraction to the EA. He was just a lot like me. We needed the same things and so it was easier to fulfill those needs in another person- we just KNEW what the other one needed because all we had to do was look at ourselves. That being said, it is best that it is over. He has his own set of problems that I doubt I could deal with long term.

 

As for the IC, I have never been to one before, so I don't know what is normal for them to say. He thinks that I couldn't please my parents growing up (true) even though I think I was a good kid (great grades, didn't get in trouble) and that I ended up marrying the male version of my mother- trying over and over again to please and never quite getting there. It actually seems pretty true. I feel like kind of a mess.

 

Thanks again everyone! Your willingness to take the time to respond means a lot to me. Best wishes to all of you!

[dienstag]

I am sorry but i have to allow myself to make one more comment re the "infamous" love.

After my poor and sad marriage experince of 12 years i have come to a conclusion that love can not be defined or proved by financial or other sacrifices or just words and i am extermely down to earth and practical person ( this is almost what i do for a living - being rational and logical).

My ex H over the years was constantly saying how much he loved me and almost with tears in the eyes. He also gave up a lot for me to succeed in my professional life and supported me a lot etc. - bottom line he did it becauce he could see i would earn more and he can have a relatively easy, stress free life while i was working nd studying and jungling lots of balls atnthe same time

Sorry but in my opinion love is when you feel it and not because it can be proved....

That sounds so much not like me but everyday we live - we learn:-)

Good luck

[jabsterini]

Thank you, dienstag. Maybe you are right. I never really felt like my parents or family love me and now I am complaining about my H. My fear is that somehow I am incapable of feeling love and maybe I am messed up. The IC assures me the problem is that I keep trying to experience love through the same kind of people. I will definitely think about what you have said.

[beatcuff]

have you ever asked HIM?

 

have you ever talked with HIM?

 

so you are getting ready to leave without even having a serious discussion with HIM?

 

after all these years do you not owe him at least the knowledge of your thoughts?

 

we assume because we have been together so long "he must know". but he does not know about your EA.

 

MC fails more often than not because S is unaware of what the other is thinking. in my case MC said on day one (basically) W was in stage 4 and i was well stage 1. wait what, not fair.

 

BTW no sugar coating, pick a good time and be very blunt.

[jabsterini]

Valid point. I'm generally an open person so keeping this inside has been difficult. The only reason I have not openly discussed this with him is because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the situation. I don't think bringing this up with him without having really thought about what I want and why I want it is fair. I think being able to fully inform him about my thoughts and feelings gives him the best chance to think about what he wants and respond accordingly. Another issue is that I think he will be downright hateful about the EA- not that I blame him. I am teaching my first university class this semester. If he treats me like I think he will, I will fall apart. I can't afford to have that happen when my department and a classroom full of students who are getting ready to graduate are counting on me. After the semester is over. If I am ready or not, that is my timeline.

[conf]

We got married when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest; we were pretty young at the time.

 

Classic pattern. Married (or LTR) young and after many years you feel emotional void. That what conscious says. On a subconscious level the truth is that you feel like that because you believe that there is something out there that is far better and as a result the honeymoon period will last forever. That s what hollywood made us believe is love...

[beatcuff]

... The only reason I have not openly discussed this with him is because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the situation. I don't think bringing this up with him without having really thought about what I want and why I want it is fair. I think being able to fully inform him about my thoughts and feelings gives him the best chance to think about what he wants and respond accordingly...

 

the longer you wait / the more 'formulate' the more likely you will convince yourself of what you 'THINK' he will do. so you wait drop the bomb and watch his pure shock/panic. he will do the typical 'do anything' which is not helpful to either one of you.

 

how about a simple 'i'm not happy', 'there is a hole in my life'. then an honest 'i don't know what i want'. his response may shock you: 'i didn't know' to 'me too'.