A few questions about reconnect

[gothicrose]

Sorry, for the vague title.

 

Soooo....I went 2 weeks NC, but as he works at my children's school and I'm in there voluteering a lot, I'd noticed he had been seeming to walk away hastily whenever he saw mr in school, which made me feel really uncomfortable.

 

So I text him asking him to come over after work at 5pm for a few min to discuss the school thing, he agreed but as it was raining heavily at 4.30 I asked if he would come over that evening once my children had gone to stay overnight at their dad's house, so he could come inside and I'd get to avoid standing in the rain.

He agreed, came over at 8 and I suddenly got really shaky, he noticed and went to hug me but I pulled away, he tried again and long story short; we spent the next 2 hours mostly kissing (him initiating, me trying to break away to say what I had called him round for, then him initiating again...and so on), he was clearly aroused and over the 2 hours told me that those times he said he didnt have any feelings for me it wasnt true; he had just needed space I wasn't giving, he has missed me over the 2 weeks I didnt contact him and that it amazes him how he still feels so safe in my arms and that he likes me even though all this rubbish happpened over the past 6 months. He also said though, that his feelings as they are now, arent strong enough for a relationship or dating.

 

I feel the same.

 

BUT having this tiny bit of nc made me feel much better than I had expected. I was able to handle seeing him much more easily, and I realise I need to continue the NC until I'm feeling even stronger - as him saying he had missed me did throw me a bit and the next day I asked him over the following evening as last time he was round he had hinted at it.

I text him at 8.30am, just saying if he fancied a coffee the next evening I was free but no worries if he couldnt, and to let me know.

By 8pm there was no reply so I texted asking what I'd done wrong, he said he was just tired after a long day and to leave it, I didnt and sent a couple of texts asking for an answer, he replied to both with "just leave it for tonight" and when I didnt, he said he wouldnt come over tthe next night as now I've hassled him again when he just asked for me to drop it for that evening. He's now back to saying that for a chance of anything I have to give him space, if I ask him over and he doesnt reply to suck it up and try again in a week or two...and that he doesnt see a long term future with me as his feelings arent strong enough at the moment to warrant a relationship, and he doesnt feel like he wants to date me.

 

I'm going to restart NC, but if I feel strong enough in the future to reconnect, I'd like to try it using the techniques that thora_tiki posted a while ago..but only if I can get to the stage where I've moved on and am ok with rejection, and I'd only try it once.

 

My question is, he's of the opinion that meeting up for a coffee in town, movie, lunch, walk etc is 'dating' and he would only entertain dating someone if he felt he had a long term future with them.

 

As he's said he doesnt see that, is that something that could change? Maybe once I get to reconnect stage, if I asked him to my place for a coffee (which he doesnt see as dating, as its not outdoors!), kept it short and light and then we did that a few times successfully, do you think a more dating type feeling might emerge in him or would I just be friendzoned?

Edited November 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mariposa10]

I don't know even know if I should or want to post here, but I have a question. What is it that you want? Do you want to marry him/live with me? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Because you're wasting too much energy/time on this, is it worth it???

[BC1980]

I don't know even know if I should or want to post here, but I have a question. What is it that you want? Do you want to marry him/live with me? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Because you're wasting too much energy/time on this, is it worth it???

 

I second this. Just be honest about what you really, in your heart, want from this man. Is what you want compatible with what he is offering you?

[gothicrose]

Yes I'd like to work towards a relationship, but doing it properly and taking it more slowly this time as I do think we would work.

 

The small nc period I had made me realise it does work, so I intend to restart it again (well, already have) but am fully expecting him to have found someone by the time I'm healed enough to try and reconnect.

 

I'm not pining over him by any means, but would like to have the chance to see if feelings could develop in time....once i am healed.

[Zahara]

You've just gone back and acted crazy all over again. What aren't you getting, Gothic? I feel ashamed for you reading about your behavior. Aren't you in the least embarassed that again this man is pushing you away?

 

Not pining over him? You must be absolutely nuts to not even realize that your behavior is obsessive.

 

You tell the MODS not to merge the thread because you know that once people read your past posts, they'll give you the same advice. Which is to move on.

 

I'm glad you had your kids at their dads when you invited this man into your home, again.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh for f*ck's sake.

[anna121]

As he's said he doesnt see that, is that something that could change?

 

Nope.

Maybe once I get to reconnect stage, if I asked him to my place for a coffee (which he doesnt see as dating, as its not outdoors!), kept it short and light and then we did that a few times successfully, do you think a more dating type feeling might emerge in him or would I just be friendzoned?

 

Nope.

 

This is really quite pitiful. I feel sad for you.

[Minneloa]

Oh wow, this is beyond the pale. You are STILL chasing this man and unable to restrain yourself. If you can't see how obsessive and out-of-control your behavior is, then nothing we can say will make a dent. Second chance? How about you give YOURSELF a chance to regroup and figure out what drives you to such desperation over this man.

[BC1980]

As he's said he doesnt see that, is that something that could change?

 

Nope.

Maybe once I get to reconnect stage, if I asked him to my place for a coffee (which he doesnt see as dating, as its not outdoors!), kept it short and light and then we did that a few times successfully, do you think a more dating type feeling might emerge in him or would I just be friendzoned?

 

Nope.

 

This is really quite pitiful. I feel sad for you.

 

D@mn. I missed the part about not wanting to meet outside.

[Mariposa10]

Here's a deal...

 

Why don't you wait FOR HIM to contact? While that happens, if it happens, start healing and moving on. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen in the future.

 

There's no much one can say about your situation. The only thing you can do is respect his wishes and he wants to be left alone. Same thing, nothing has changed.

[BC1980]

Yes I'd like to work towards a relationship, but doing it properly and taking it more slowly this time as I do think we would work.

 

The small nc period I had made me realise it does work, so I intend to restart it again (well, already have) but am fully expecting him to have found someone by the time I'm healed enough to try and reconnect.

 

I'm not pining over him by any means, but would like to have the chance to see if feelings could develop in time....once i am healed.

 

So you have established that what you want is incompatible with what he is offering. This is where you walk away and go NC. I would advise never revisiting this relationship. It's too dysfunctional to merit entertaining a second chance.

[gothicrose]

I disagree with it being dysfunctional.

 

I agree that I need to carry on with NC and work on myself, which is what I said I was going to do in my first post tonight.

 

 

I asked the Mods not to merge so it didnt end up in coping, thats all.

 

He said he thought about me a couple of times during those 2 weeks of NC and that he had npticed me looking out of my window one time when he drove past (I didnt know he would be around that time of day) so he's thinking about me more than i thought about him, as i didnt until the day i contacted him.

 

I'm not going to beg or bother him anymore but dont see the harm in giving him a call in 6-12 nonths - or sooner, or longer - to see if he fancies a catch up but will only do it once I'm sure a negative response wont set me back.

 

He can only say no and although you guys think he will, theres a chance he will say yes and if he does, surely that will mean he's actually interested in seeing me...because he wont have been hassled, or stressed out, or pressured into coming over.

[Minneloa]

Honestly, you don't recognize your behavior here and the dynamic between you two as dysfunctional?

[gothicrose]

My behaviour, yes.

 

Our dynamic since we split, yes.

 

But I know that during the very brief moments we've got on, there is a natural connection. Similar interests and morals, our personalities are compatible when I'm not acting impulsively.

 

And I really do believe the impulsiveness is something I can control.

 

I'm by no means saying I'm 100% certain we will live happily ever after, but I think as long as I wish him well (in my own head, not say it to him) and carry on NC until I feel like I dont care wjat he thinks of me or whether he wants to see me and I feel stronger in myself, then we coumd reconnect - as friends first (or maybe 'only').

[Minneloa]

And I really do believe the impulsiveness is something I can control.

 

Ok, I do not intend to be mean here, but why do you believe this? All of your thread updates argue to the contrary. I think there is something deeply dysfunctional about your dynamic with this man that brings out the worst (read: panicky and desperate) in you. I just don't understand why you keep going back for more of the same crazy, toxic rejection. I know I am just an internet stranger, but I want you to want better for yourself, gothicrose!

[anna121]

 

And I really do believe the impulsiveness is something I can control.

 

 

Um. (I know I will probably regret asking this but what the heck.)

 

May I ask why you believe this?

[Simon Phoenix]

And I really do believe the impulsiveness is something I can control.

 

There is literally no evidence to support this. I mean, against all odds you actually had a non-terrible outing with him, you text him, he doesn't respond and what do you do? Go right back to harassing him. I'm sorry, you have not displayed any modicum of self-control during this whole situation.

[gothicrose]

Because through the 2 weeks of NC I didnt have one thought of missing him in a big way, going to see, texting him....actually thats not true, I did want ask to hin something about schoil at one point but didnt bother.

 

When I did text him that day to ask him to come over, it was purely to ask him to treat me likeany other parent in school but then when he got here he immediately started trying on the sex stuff.

 

I should have told him to leave at that point.

 

I asked him three times that evening if he wanted me to stop texting him and he said no, text and see as it goes as the NC had made him happier to see me and he felt mp

more relaxed.

 

I kind of thought it was me hassling him again the next evening thats the issue and if I hadnt, he might not have 'rejected' me?

[Simon Phoenix]

You realize this whole thing is a complete waste of time don't you? Of course you don't, because you keep harassing this guy like you are a 16-year-old girl with her first serious crush. Except you are 35-40.

[Zahara]

When I did text him that day to ask him to come over, it was purely to ask him to treat me likeany other parent in school but then when he got here he immediately started trying on the sex stuff.

 

Do you really think we believe that you asked him over to talk about the school issue? You could have just called him over the phone, left a message, sent a text, short and precise noting your feelings and hope for resolution. And left it at that. You invited him over to test the waters.

 

He got there and immediately started the sex stuff. That's a sign for you. Take heed but I'm sure you view that as healthy attention and genuine interest when it's not. And just because your personalities, morals and interests are compatible, it doesn't mean you're meant to be together. It doesn't guarantee the makings of a relationship.

 

I'm not sure why you cannot come to terms with rejection. The more someone rejects you, the more obsessive and determined you are to change that. It's a sick cycle. And you're not going to change that with NC. This is who you are. NC allows for the situation to simmer down but it WON'T change you deep seated issues of lack of self-esteem and worth. You will be repeat your behavior whenever you feel those feelings of being devalued. Until you find ways to validate yourself, accept rejection, wisely evaluate what's good and what's bad for you -- until you find ways to rein in your "madness", you issues will keep resurfacing.

 

What you say and what you do are two different things. You say you can stop acting impulsively but you panic and exhibit extreme desperation.. You say you aren't pining for him but you are obsessive and pushy.

 

I think no matter what anyone says, you will justify your behavior and come up with your own conclusions and use that to drive yourself to do just what you want.

[gothicrose]

I see why you think that way in a sense Simon (by the way I'm not quite as old as you said, but still old enough to know better) but I'm not harassing him...anymore at least.

 

He said the last time we spoke that texting is fine, as is asking him over; its my reaction his his response (or lack of) that is the issue.

 

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about how I've acted and can see now that I really wasnt in control of my emotions. People who are, dont act on thoughts and urges immediately, make irrational and spur of the moment decisions, they don't get anxious and try and control or moderate another person's reaction to them.

 

I have been letting my emotions get the better of me instead of thinking before acting or speaking and making a rational decision, instead of living truly in the present and making the most of the situation as it is now (rather than banging on about the past of trying to predict the future) AND instead of actually realising that I havent actually been making the guy I claim to care about feel good about himself at all over the past few months.

 

Instead of accepting things as they were and being thankful for it when he kept making efforts to remain in touch, be honest about his feelings, I always pushed for more and tried to force things on my timescale.

 

There is a high chance my emotional immaturity has made him realise I'm just not worth the effort, I agree.

 

But, knowing now that he absolutely has the right to reply or not to my contact or choose to see me, I dont see the harm in working on growing and'evolving' as thora_tiki always says, during my NC and in time if I feel sufficiently...I'm going to say normal.. the old me (pre fling), giving it one shot at contact.

Just a phone call to ask for a meet up. If he doesnt answer his phone then I wont ring and ring or text him...or go to his house. ..and if he says no then I'll accept it gracefully and wish him the best.

 

Whats so wrong with that?

 

And I know...has to be seen to be believed but I know that I've truly understood why I acted that way and how to change my behaviour.

 

ETA: cross post with Zahara.

Well, ok. Thats your opinion. But I asked him over in person so he could see I was being genuine in asking him to just treat me like any other parent in school.

Unfortunately when he turned up I got really shaky and he jumped on that. I got quite cross with him actually but he said he was trying to reassure me by hugging me.

Edited November 10, 2013 by gothicrose

[gothicrose]

Sorry forgot to say, no I didnt see the kissing as emotional, caring stuff, as I said in my last post I got really physically shaky when he turned up, he put his arms round my waist and pulled me close to him, I leaned back but he didnt let go, saying he wanted to reassure me he wasnt going to hurt me (after what he said on the boat that time). I asked him three times to let go as he was saying "its ok, please..come here" but then let after the fourth time of asking.

 

What I DID take as genuine feelings (mistakenly), was when he was saying he had only ever needed 2 weeks' space while he finished his coursework at the end of Sept, I said I was sorry and half joked that I'd finally given him the 2 weeks and he laughed and told me "and thats why I'm happier to see you now!" then kissed me.

 

At the time I thought we had made a bit of progress and he might want to just text and see how things went, esp when I asked him if he wanted me to stp texting and he replied "no, you're lovely. Just text and see how it goes", he even kissed me as he was leaving, turned away then back and asked for another kiss, so yes I got a bit carried away...the fact he never tried more than kissing and a bit of ummm...touching me (sorry) also made me think things might be starting to head in the right direction, and then when I contacted him, left it all day then ruined it again with my impatience that evening I kicked myself and wished I'd just waited til the next day to see if he replied.

 

But anyway, what I said in my previous post is all that matters now.

[Zahara]

ETA: cross post with Zahara.

Well, ok. Thats your opinion. But I asked him over in person so he could see I was being genuine in asking him to just treat me like any other parent in school.

Unfortunately when he turned up I got really shaky and he jumped on that. I got quite cross with him actually but he said he was trying to reassure me by hugging me.

 

 

The thing is Gothic, just as your last thread on Coping, Anna stated that you should have just left it alone when you saw him avoiding you. He was right to move away. And you should have left it at that and continued with moving on. BUT. You couldn't stand being avoided and having to deal with the fact that he was evading you. That ignited your panic and your desperation to get back into a "good place" with him. So, you contacted him and asked him to come over. It was never about being genuine. It was you trying to control the situation so that it could help you lay a hopeful path for the next 3 - 6 months. You wanted to secure that possibility of some level of a "future". His behavior of avoiding you left you in panic because it held the possibility of him slipping away. That is why you wanted to "fix" it. You wanted to reel him back in some capacity.

 

There was no need to talk to him about treating you like any other parent in school. You had relations with him, it was bound to be awkward and in time things would have settled. And if you had to talk to him about it, sending him an email or calling him wouldn't have changed your intent to be genuine. You could have relayed that message to him (without asking him over) with civility and you could have left it at that.

 

You have had a pattern of trying to make it right when it goes wrong. The harder you try, the worse it becomes. That's a sign for you in the future. When things go wrong, most times they settle itself in time. Best thing would be to stay clear. Do nothing. Case in point, you opened another can of worms because you wanted to "fix" this, and you exhibited the same behavior that made him run the first time. If you want to be remembered in a good way so that in 3-6 months things look a little brighter for you in terms of restarting this with him (although I think it's not a good thing for you), step away and work on yourself. Fix you. That's all you need to focus on. Not the situation, not him, not school stuff, not nothing. Just you.

 

ETA: Didn't read most of your past two posts because I think it's futile. There's always a but, if, etc. I just wanted to add to that one note about seeing him and to leave it at that.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

I see why you think that way in a sense Simon (by the way I'm not quite as old as you said, but still old enough to know better) but I'm not harassing him...anymore at least.

 

He said the last time we spoke that texting is fine, as is asking him over; its my reaction his his response (or lack of) that is the issue.

 

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about how I've acted and can see now that I really wasnt in control of my emotions. People who are, dont act on thoughts and urges immediately, make irrational and spur of the moment decisions, they don't get anxious and try and control or moderate another person's reaction to them.

 

I have been letting my emotions get the better of me instead of thinking before acting or speaking and making a rational decision, instead of living truly in the present and making the most of the situation as it is now (rather than banging on about the past of trying to predict the future) AND instead of actually realising that I havent actually been making the guy I claim to care about feel good about himself at all over the past few months.

 

Instead of accepting things as they were and being thankful for it when he kept making efforts to remain in touch, be honest about his feelings, I always pushed for more and tried to force things on my timescale.

 

There is a high chance my emotional immaturity has made him realise I'm just not worth the effort, I agree.

 

But, knowing now that he absolutely has the right to reply or not to my contact or choose to see me, I dont see the harm in working on growing and'evolving' as thora_tiki always says, during my NC and in time if I feel sufficiently...I'm going to say normal.. the old me (pre fling), giving it one shot at contact.

Just a phone call to ask for a meet up. If he doesnt answer his phone then I wont ring and ring or text him...or go to his house. ..and if he says no then I'll accept it gracefully and wish him the best.

 

Whats so wrong with that?

 

And I know...has to be seen to be believed but I know that I've truly understood why I acted that way and how to change my behaviour.

 

ETA: cross post with Zahara.

Well, ok. Thats your opinion. But I asked him over in person so he could see I was being genuine in asking him to just treat me like any other parent in school.

Unfortunately when he turned up I got really shaky and he jumped on that. I got quite cross with him actually but he said he was trying to reassure me by hugging me.

 

I feel like you have said this several times but when push comes to shove, your response is still to smother him. You should absolutely not be in contact with this guy under any circumstances -- the evidence that you can't handle this is overwhelming.