update on stupid ex

[UnicornGirl]

I was feeling fine these past 2 weeks of NC ... he's sent me 4-5 random e-mails, said he'd call once but never did. Now I find him on this online networking site that he's apparently blocked me from and going on instant messenger under a screen name he created last year when he was setting up a date for his roommate ... he used to only go online on name having to do with something sentimental between us and he would go on IM to to talk to me when we were apart. I just can't get out of my head that there's someone else. I don't know why it offends me so much that he's not including me in his life. he was never into the whole "online networking" and communication until ... now, I guess. I wonder how long he's been doing these things. He always says he's too busy to see me/do anything with me. Who could he be keeping in touch with over winter break? He's trying to block me from his life in every way possible and doesn't seem to give a damn about my NC. that's why I won't even attempt writing him back or anything, because I don't want to boost his ego. anyway I just need to vent more than I already have tonight and put it out there somewhere that this person that I gave everything to is treating me horribly, seeming like he doesn't give a damn about me. I know it's immature for me to care about stupid things like this, but I can't stop obsessively checking his away message which reads "zzzzz" since he's asleep ... who does things like that? I don't get why his IM is always on, especially when he never went on it before, unless there's someone he cares more about than me. is that a ridiculous conclusion to draw? i can't seem to draw any other. anyway I just finished exams and then found out all of this stuff ... it was just an impulsive feeling I got that he was online and on this same site that I'm on ... it was so creepy ... I just felt like I knew. and I feel like ****, I don't feel better than him, I feel like the horrible human being he tells me I am and I just can't cope. I just finished exams and am going home for a month. I don't think he'll call.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Unicorn,

 

it is good to hear from you again, but of course I wish you would have some happy news for us.

 

I am sorry about the things that are going on, but at least you got a few emails from him. I have not heard from my ex since the end of November, except for a short reply to an ecard I sent him for Channukah 10 days ago.

 

Today he is leaving for England and not coming back until the end of this month. I am 99% positive that I am not going to hear from him while he is gone, and when he comes back it will be 1 month of NC.

 

That is very bad.

 

Anyway, enough about me. What did he write in these emails of his? When did you get the last? And did you ever reply? I did not reply to the last 4 messages I got from my guy in November and after that he just stopped contacting me. Now I feel much worse and wish I had send him a reply. At least than I would still be hearing from him.

 

I think it is good that you go away for a month, but if I am not mistaken, you 2 come from the same town, right? Will he be there as well?

 

Has he met someone else? I dont know. I hope not, but I think you should not worry about that, until you know for sure.

 

A month ago I was sure that he found someone else. I am not sure he has, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I try not to think about it.

 

I hope many people send you encouraging words and good advice, because I dont seem to have any.

 

Look after youself and keep your chin up!

[XNemesisX]

Unicorn,

 

I know just how you're feeling. My ex is pretty much treating me the same way except I didn't even get any emails! I am wondering also what your ex said in those emails.

 

My ex is also treating me like he is always too busy for me...this has been going on for almost 2 months. Tuesday night I believe, he told me he would consider giving it another chance but once again fell off the face of the planet. Probably too busy I suppose! Doing who knows what

 

I guess if your relationship is anything like mine, then I have a few explanations for this.

 

Either he really is busy with someone else (its always a possibility as much as it makes us sick)

OR he just wants you to THINK that he is.

 

He may be trying to get under your skin. Make you wonder....worry....get jealousl

 

Or they just really have no desire to even be around us. Other girls or not.

 

Isn't this just a lousy time to be going through this? I just finished my last final today, and the past few weeks have been draining and really not good to have as a distraction to finals and such. I am ticked off he decided to pick right before finals to make me feel as low as humanly possible.

 

I will tell you this though...if you go to my post "I don't give a rat's a**!" you will see that you will get fed up with it in time. It took me almost 2 months, but I just really got sick and tired of it. At this point, I'm tired of him and yeah, I was up for a reconciliation but now...I say WHATEVER. If this was all a game to try and punish me or make me want him more then it backfired on him. He's taken too long, and I'm a bit of an impatient person anyway, so he can go on his jolly merry way.

 

You will get to that point too trust me.

 

I am interested in what those emails said though, that might make it more clear what is going on.

[UnicornGirl]

Thanks, girls. It's rough for all of us and talking helps so much, most of the time...

 

Anyway, the e-mails said:

 

1. The Saturday week after we had that yucky talk on Thanksgiving (it's in the second chances thread if you haven't seen it, I think you have, Gottabestrong): He replies to a message I'd sent out to a bunch of people about a concert I was in , and he replied at 1 am ... I only changed his wording a little bit here: "Oh, no! [his choir] has a concert Sunday starting at 3; can't make it to yours. Nuts. Let me know when the next one is. Sorry I didn't respond and sorry this is so short. I have literally 1000 pages to read this weekend."

 

2. 4 pm that same day, sent me two forwarded jokes that his mom sent him.

 

3. 3 days later - Tells me his choir is going to sing a song I sang in high school and he sang his first year in college that we both really like. I sang it in my high school choir and he came to see me sing it in a concert, that that's when he first found out about the piece and since then has loved it.

 

4. Last Saturday - again the wording is only changed a bit - "[roommate] and I are leaving in a little while. Good luck with all your exams! I know you’ll do great. You’ve been working hard all semester, and you deserve to do well. Best of luck, Happy Hanukkah, [his name]"

 

I didn't respond to any of these messages. He'd said on that Thanksgiving talk day that he'd call me the following weekend. He e-mailed, but didn't call -- I'm assuming he "forgot" just like always since the breakup ... or CHOOSES to forget, rather ...

 

And he's on IM right now, I just want to send him a message so badly but I know I'll probably feel like more **** than I do right now if I do. Plus I kind of feel it'll reaffirm to him that I'm thinking about him which is what I don't want. What do you think? Is it good that I'm not IMing him, responding to his mails? He DOES always make me feel like **** when we talk on the phone, I'd rather do face-to-face but I'd rather he initiate it. My friends agree that he is trying to be "cool" here with all the social networking crap ... he's not trying to make me feel bad I don't think because he probably doesn't even have me on his buddy list ... What should I do? Continue NC until he calls (if he calls?) I'm so flipped out, I just opened one of our old "boxes" of stuff in my room and I started crying like crazy. I couldn't tell if I was crying because I want the relationship back, I think I was just crying because everything is so messed up now. It passed the 3 month mark on the 6th and I'm still just so ****ed up, however well I'm handling it at school I still miss him and it's not so much that I want a new relationship again but that I want him to love me so badly and miss me so badly. I'm so tired of having this hate and fear pour out of me, I'm not a hating person and it really feels like poison in my blood.

 

I was doing SO WELL these past two weeks, then I just got this "feeling" that he was online on that other screen name and on the site, and I looked him up and ta-da! He's online right now and I'm just flipping out wanting to know if he's talking to someone.

 

Right now we are both in the same town for winter break ... he has to go back in 2 weeks to take exams and then he is going to Europe with his choir for a week or 2 weeks, cant remember which ...

 

DO you think I should send him a "thank you" response to the "good luck" mail? I was thinking of just writing thank you!, pasting this cute picture of a baby penguin (I had been sending him little sweet drawings and stuff on e-mail, I sent him a hershey kiss in the mail for good luck for exams and sent him a beautiful fall leaf, but haven't given him any presents since just 2 weeks before Thanksgiving when he said he didn't want a relationship "right now" and also cried when I told him I loved him and wanted him to be happy). I don't want to call him, but what if he never calls? What if he stops contacting me alltogether? What do I do?! Help!!!!!!!

[neptoon]

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just assume that they are already with someone else -- it makes it a lot easier to move on.

 

We fall and fumble many times before we can define what love is. We fall and fumble many times after defining it before we do.

 

In a year or two, it will be trivial what he is doing on IM. Let it go. Don't log on and don't see whether or not he's on. Go out and check out some of those cute dudes out there.

 

So many men in the world. So little time...

 

It sounds like inside, you know in your heart he's not the right one. Go out there and spend your energy in finding the right one. Don't waste your time and energy on the one that you know is the wrong one.

 

Process of elimination.

[XNemesisX]

It sounds like he does care about remaining on good terms...that is a good sign. That was thoughtful of him to wish you good luck for your exams and such.

 

However, him not calling you, or as you put it "choosing to forget" is not good. I thought the same thing that you did, about if you don't call him then you would never hear from him again. But sooner or later you will get to the point of being apathetic as to whether or not he calls. Its completely out of your hands. Does he know how you feel? About wanting to work on the relationship and maybe give it another chance? If he does, there is nothing more you can do. Leave it up to him to call if he knows where you stand. Just tell yourself this, "if he doesn't want to hang out with me or call me or see me again then SCREW THAT!" Anger is a much more useful emotion than sadness when it comes to these ordeals. Just act like you don't care. (if you have already showed him you really want the relationship to have another chance, and he knows how you feel). The rest is out of your hands.

 

Keep us updated and good luck!

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Unicorn,

 

I dont know if you read my thread, but I was in a very similar situation about 3 weeks ago.

 

My guy sent me a few messages that I did not reply to. His messages were not very personal, but at least he wrote.

 

After I had not replied to his 4th message he stopped contacting me, which drove me crazy. I started feeling really stupid for not replying to his messages, at least in a polite, friendly way.

 

So 7 days after he stopped writing to me I sent him an ecard for Channukah. He sent me another card back straight away. He did not ask any questions in his card, so I could not reply if I did not want to initiate contact once again.

 

I knew that he leaves for England on the 17th. So I figured if I did not hear from him until he left, I would not hear from him for a long time.

 

Well, 3 hours before his plane left yesterday he sent me a text. He was just asking for the bustimes, but I think that it was an excuse and I am just glad that he did contact me.

 

I called him back to tell him the times and spoke to him for about 5 minutes on the phone. It was so good to hear his voice and the conversation was nice and friendly.

 

Now I am again in the situation where I have to wait for him to contact me, as I dont want to initiate contact.

 

Do you agree that our situations are once again, quite similar? Well, I felt really bad for not replying to his messages, and wished I had.

 

When was the last time you heard from him? If it was not that long ago, I would send him a short reply, saying sorry for the delay, but you were really busy.

 

If it was quite some time ago, I would not write him, but wait until Christmas (if you celebrate it) or another reason to contact him.

 

I know I felt really bad after sending him this Channukah card and only got a card back. In retrospect I wish I had not sent it. So at least I would have done NC for a month now.

 

I think it is nice of him to contact you still. At least that shows that he still cares about you.

 

I hope you are using this time alone to take care of yourself and to try and cheer yourself!

[Weird]

I think you should at least thank him for saying good luck on your exams. It is a civil thing to do for others. Just send a quick email saying thanks for the kind words.

 

I wouldn't go and start IMing him if you don't feel right doing it and think you'll feel like ****.

 

If he stops contacting you then you're just going to have to deal with it and move on. Chances are he will contact you one day down the line when you least expect it.

 

Patience grasshopper.

[Guest]

I know it must be hard for you- someone you used to make you feel like you were a top priority in his life suddenly abandoning you- but maybe it'll work out for you this way- when me and my ex broke up he made a ton of empty promises about doing certain things together and still being there for me and still being my friend, and for a while I was really embarassing- basically begging for his time and attention and getting broken promises in return. So I decided to see what would happen if I just didn't contact him? And I haven't heard from him since (2 months now). And while it hurt at the beginning that he didn't give a crap about me, now I don't really care, and it has saved me from hearing stuff about his new life that would have just hurt me more and prolonged the sadness and depression. Also, it made me realise that there's no point wanting to be friends with someone who simply doesn't care about you at all- I don't want someone in my life who makes it blatently clear that he doesn't want to be in my life. I know it sucks but you should use this as a time to get over him. Realise that you don't need and will one day not even want someone who treats you that way.

[UnicornGirl]

OK, so I replied to his "good luck" e-mail 8 days after he sent it, and 2 HOURS LATER I get back a reply, saying "Great! [i had told him the exams went well.] I have to rush off now to meet [guy we know from high school that he hasn't seen in about 2 years and strongly disliked the last time his name was mentioned, which was about 1.8 years ago] now, [personal joke about this guy and his ex-girlfriend whom we used to double date with]. But hopefully I'll talk to you soon."

 

I am so confused I don't know what to do. Continue with the NC, I suppose. He's acting extremely bizarre. Since when do you say "Sorry, have to run" over e-mail? I just don't get it. The more I try to get him out of my life, the more he comes back in. I haven't seen him in 6 weeks. Somehow I doubt I'll ever see him again. I just can't understand this bizarre behavior; I feel like any decent person would stand up and take responsibility for abandoning someone the way he's abandoned me, especially when he knew he was kind of my "life support" through all of the horrible problems I've been having with my family all summer, and that I chose to come to college near him, etc. etc.

 

We're in the same town, and he hasn't even given me a call ... after that Thanksgiving conversation, which was the last time we really talked, he said he'd call the following weekend because he was going to be too busy to call. I'm sorry, but if you're THAT busy, how do you find time to reconnect with a guy from high school that you used to despise? If he's THAT busy, how has he found time to be on this networking web site and add dozens of old high school friends to his contacts and neglected to add me? He has it set up so he appears not to exist on the site to people he doesn't add as contacts, but you can still tell he's on it. I kind of want to confront him about that, and the "business," and everything else, but I can't. My policy right now is that if I don't give him power, he can't hurt me anymore. Giving him power means calling, giving in to contacting him, e-mailing him, initiating any contact whatsoever. If he loses interest in talking to me when I cease contact (he hasn't so far, but hey, it could happen), it's not like I'm losing much anyway.

 

To me, it seems he's trying to proceed as if nothing has happened and that everything's A-OK. He's kind of repressing his memories of what happened (explains the not remembering things he said during the breakup, shortly afterward, forgetting he said he'd call), and he'll only continue with that behavior if I feed it with my contact. He's going to have to face losing me for good -- he can excuse it away that I'm "too busy" to call him during the semester, but deep down, I hope he knows it's not true. If he's trying to wait until I calm down about this to talk to me, too bad -- this is not something to "calm down" about, and he's added so much damage to the situation by his evasive behavior. I really feel like I'm dealing with a lunatic who is going on about his life as if nothing has happened, and I'm sitting here, completely stripped and robbed of everything I considered important in my life for almost three and a half years. Do other peoples exes act like this? What the hell is going on here? I cannot even begin to understand his behavior, it's like he's on another planet or in a trance ... but I know if I say anything to him about it, I'LL be the one who looks like a crazy person.

[Weird]

Yes, other exes act like that. They act in a way which seems like the whole past never happened and all that crap.

 

What you need to do is to just chalk it all up as a learning experience and move on. He is gone and he seems to be content with that and is ready to live his life without you in it. Nothing you do will change that, only he can change his feelings when it comes to you.

 

I don't want you to get even more hurt and depressed over this so please babe, try to let it go. He is not worth it and you will only destroy your mind if you keep trying to figure him out or try and figure out the situation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by UnicornGirl

What the hell is going on here?

 

He is moving on. His behavior doesn't seem bizarre from what you are writing. It sounds to me like a guy keeping his 'ex' at a distance, but trying to be polite about it - he knows that you have had a lot of problems, so he is trying to spare you the pain of just going cold on you. I don't think his emails are about his confused feelings so much as they are meant to spare your feelings. I'm sure he cares for you, and these emails/messages show that. That doesn't mean he wants the relationship back though.

 

It may not seem possible that someone can just walk away like that, but they do. It sounds like you are counting on this 'no contact' to bring him back to you. If you do this 'no contact' it will have to be done for YOU, and for getting YOUR head together. That means that you will need to change your IM name or block his so you can't see if he's online, stop looking up his stuff online, block his email, don't take his calls. Try to blot out what he is doing/who he is seeing. I know that it won't be easy to do that, particularly when you are intent on monitoring his reaction to your 'no contact'. You'll need to try to let that go.

 

He isn't responsible for your happiness - you are. That means moving on and trying to get your life and heart together on your own instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing as the basis for your happiness. Have you considered some counseling or something? It may help to talk to someone professionally about this situation.

[UnicornGirl]

Hmm, thanks for the insight. That is one way of looking at it.

 

Perhaps I should view his indecision about getting back together as a calculated, polite gesture rather than true indecision. He refuses to say we'll "never" get back together again, and insists on repeating that he doesn't want that kind of relationship with me "right now." He didn't understand my confusion with the phrase "right now" and says he's telling me this because it's fair and honest. However, I guess it's neither fair nor honest if his indecision is a mere chivalrous gesture.

 

He grew up in a household with a very demanding and controlling mother who beat him down a lot and expected the worst from him while at the same time adoring him and showing him off to people. I think he associates me with her a lot. The way he dealt with her, often, was by doing things that would make her happy to kind of keep her at bay. He knew if he upset her there'd be hell for weeks for him and his father and sister. He's kind of using the same tactic with me right now, throwing me a bone every now and then to make sure I don't run off and never speak to him again.

 

Should I continue with the no contact unless necessary, and the policy of not initiating contact under any circumstances, or try to meet up with him and figure things out?

 

I think he is spending time with all of these random contacts from years ago to try and give himself an ego boost while avoiding sitting at home thinking about me. Every time he comes home he meets up with these random people.

 

This is so frustrating. I don't even know what he told his family, his friends, our friends, his roommate that he used to yell at me in front of, ANYONE about our breakup. His reasons for it change sporadically.

 

I do respect that his feelings changed. Feelings change all the time. A lot of the times we were together I had my doubts about him and at times was even repulsed by him. But I stayed with him and things got better. That's the beauty of a long-term commitment. When I find someone worthy of committing to for the long haul, I commit with a full heart and no reservations. I don't bail. That's the beauty of a long-term relationship -- your feelings can change, you go through different stages of love and companionship, and heck, sometimes even other people enter into the equation. But through it all, you have that bond. A pity that I committed to someone ultimately incapable of doing the same who, even worse, professed that he was capable of doing the same.

 

My friends and family always thought this guy was a bit of a loser. It took me a while to see it, but yes, he is a bit of a loser, and I suspect that if he doesn't get his act together with this relationship, even if just to own up to his irresponsible behavior and stop living in his delusional world full of false friends, he'll never get it together in any relationship.

[Weird]

Should I continue with the no contact unless necessary, and the policy of not initiating contact under any circumstances, or try to meet up with him and figure things out?

 

Yes, continue the NC or whatever you wish to call it. Don't waste your time trying to sit down with him and figure things out. I honestly think it won't accomplish what you want it to.

 

Oh and yes, it does suck to commit to a person who says they are in it for the long haul but their actions show they aren't. Been there, done that.

 

This guy isn't worth the effort anymore and you will find a guy who is and can give you the dedication/time you will give him. Guys like that do existaround the world...I'm one of them.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Weird

Yes, continue the NC or whatever you wish to call it. Don't waste your time trying to sit down with him and figure things out. I honestly think it won't accomplish what you want it to.

 

Oh and yes, it does suck to commit to a person who says they are in it for the long haul but their actions show they aren't. Been there, done that.

 

That's good advice. Any time I've tried to talk with him he's been belligerent. I shouldn't judge him on what I can make him do, but what he does on his own. The only sweet or worthwhile things he's done through this were mostly products of me being reasonable and caring toward him ... he hasn't done stuff like that on his own. Except once, where he defended me on the train. That was unbelievably sweet. But on my birthday, two weeks after we broke up. Since then, it's been a "too cool for you" attitude, and I'm tired of pulling him out of his funk.

 

Originally posted by Weird This guy isn't worth the effort anymore and you will find a guy who is and can give you the dedication/time you will give him. Guys like that do existaround the world...I'm one of them.

 

Sigh ... yes, I know, they're just hard to find. Hope I'll meet one down in the States someday.

[Weird]

Hang in there sweetheart. I know you can get past all of the crap you deal with right now.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Weird

Hang in there sweetheart. I know you can get past all of the crap you deal with right now.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. At least I know this is giving me a chance to work on "me," which is something that needs to be done sooner rather than later. I'm reconnecting with a lot of old friends and am being more responsible with my social life and deciding to live my life for myself, not for anyone else -- and that's a permanent decision.

 

(And there's the fact that because he's acting like a wishy-washy, indecisive, and elusive loser, not facing facts or being honest about friendship ( I haven't heard from him since that "hopefully will talk to you soon" e-mail, my cell phone is out of service but that's no excuse for not trying e-mail or my home phone ), he will most likely regret this. As a close friend put it -- he's thrown out what is quite possibly the best thing that will ever happen to him.)

[Weird]

Agreed

[UnicornGirl]

I have a holiday present for him. I don't know if I should give it or not. Frankly I don't even know if he's at home or not. He probably is. I think I'll put it in the mail.