firststeps Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 l was married for 14 years, together with my husband for 20. l caught onto an affair he was having, he moved out on Sept. 1st and we are headed down the separation process. We have been speaking off and on and he does have stuff at the house he occasionally needs to come pick up,bills and lawn care etc. He is currently living at his sisters house, in one room. He dropped by last week, saying that he still misses me, is confused, and the more time that is going by that he is starting to see things clearly. lt was obvious to me that he had a disagreement with the other woman. My reaction was that l still loved him but that as long as he is with the other woman there is no us. He asked if l would put the separation on hold till he figured himself out. l told him that it wasn't going happen, as l had enough self respect, not to wait for him to make a decision (her or me) l felt good and empowered but then when l saw him yesterday, l was weak and was pleading for him to see everything we were going to lose, our house, our life. Ugh!! l love him so much and l have these thoughts in my mind where he runs back to me and holds me and never lets me go. Then reality hits that he already made his decision and he is checked out. He already told me in a previous conversation that he cannot let her go, but in the same breath that they argue all the time. What's tough is that he is in total denial, when he is not with the other woman, he is hiding out at his sisters watching movies and playing video games all day. He seems so checked out. When will he realize the damage he is created? l have to see him again at his Grandmas funeral today. What's the best way to handle him in the situations when l have to see him and when he comes by. He acts all nice and wants to do small talk and all l can think of is, you hurt me, your with that woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
headinthecloud Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 You say you have self respect for yourself but yet you're telling him to make a choice. He made a choice, and I'm sorry but you're not it. I would pick up whatever dignity you have left and move on. And don't go to the funeral. Send him your sympathies because it will only add to the drama if you attend as it's his family matter, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 I disagree with headinthecloud about the funeral part. You're married 14 years, you're bound to have a bit of bond with his family. How close were you with them? If not at all, then go ahead and skip. But if you're even a tiny bit close to them, then you should attend out of respect. Treat your ex (start calling him ex or stbx here and in your head, it will empower you more) like you would any other member of the family. Offer your sympathies and nothing more. Don't talk about your situation, the OW, or whatever else you're feeling that isn't related to grieving his grandmother. You're on your way to the right path. After today, go NC and start healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
what_a_blonde Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 You need to be very short with him, no small talk. As hard as it will be you NEED to do that. Pay your condolences and bounce. If he tries to start with the small talk (i.e. "How are you doing? What are you up to?" etc) just be real short. Say "Good". Don't ask how he is. Nothing. He is getting that attention from the other woman and doesn't need the attention from you. He was seeing her for who knows how long while you two were married, getting attention from two women for so long, and now he is trying to continue that. Like you said, he has clearly chosen her, and I know that is so hard... but he needs to stop reaping all the benefits from this. He doesn't seem hurt at all. It probably hasn't truly hit him that he's out of a 14 year marriage because you see eachother all too often and you're still kind to him. Be very short, excuse yourself from the funeral as soon as you can. No need to continue to be the "other woman" now... and feed his need to have 2 women in his life. He may be lost and confused right now, but that should NOT be your concern. Please, for yourself, distance yourself as far away as you can until he comes back, you know he is not with her, and has given you a GENUINE AND TRUE apology begging for forgiveness and telling you he will do anything to regain your trust once more, etc. You deserve so much better for yourself and can do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firststeps Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Im extremely close to his whole family and his late Grandma. lm going because l want to pay my respects. His whole family have been an amazing support to me and are disgusted by his affair. l have been in that family for 20 years and they are a part of me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
headinthecloud Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 It's still his family, not yours. Regardless of what they say to you, you need to draw some boundaries and looking for support from his family is not appropriate. I would leave him and his family alone. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 It's still his family, not yours. Regardless of what they say to you, you need to draw some boundaries and looking for support from his family is not appropriate. I would leave him and his family alone. Now this one I agree with. No matter how close you are with them you need to start setting boundaries. Tell them this kindly and thank them for everything they've done for you. Because if you break up for good, in the end they're still his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 I think that if you were at all close to his Grandma, then you have to go to the funeral and pay your respects. His Grandma did nothing wrong to you. It's just the right thing to do. That being said, his family is his family and even if they think he was in the wrong and how much they liked you before, you can't expect them to take your side. Especially if there is money or kids involved. Arrive as close as you can to the start of the ceremony, show your face, smile serenely and be polite if people talk to you, give vague or short answers about how you are doing ("I'm fine. Thank you." will suffice.), and leave quietly as soon as it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) For me the sooner I gained control over my own life, the easier the whole process became. The less contact you have/allow with the selfish other the easier it then becomes to move forward and distance yourself enough then to see them for who they are, or who they have always been. I often think of some of the words my ex used, I'm in love with her, I don't want to risk losing her, I can't let her go....think about those words coming out of your or my mouth to our ex's, see how detached that feels. Focus on you, if he has post, lawn care what ever... avoid seeing him at all costs...it sets you back when you least expect it and then its a long hard struggle to get back up again and for what (a man that can't make up his mind, that is sleeping and choosing another woman) Give him no more of your time xxx I know it's hard and it hurts SS x Edited November 10, 2013 by Shocked Suzie Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted November 23, 2013 Share Posted November 23, 2013 l was married for 14 years, together with my husband for 20. l caught onto an affair he was having, he moved out on Sept. 1st and we are headed down the separation process. We have been speaking off and on and he does have stuff at the house he occasionally needs to come pick up,bills and lawn care etc. He is currently living at his sisters house, in one room. He dropped by last week, saying that he still misses me, is confused, and the more time that is going by that he is starting to see things clearly. lt was obvious to me that he had a disagreement with the other woman. My reaction was that l still loved him but that as long as he is with the other woman there is no us. He asked if l would put the separation on hold till he figured himself out. l told him that it wasn't going happen, as l had enough self respect, not to wait for him to make a decision (her or me) l felt good and empowered but then when l saw him yesterday, l was weak and was pleading for him to see everything we were going to lose, our house, our life. Ugh!! l love him so much and l have these thoughts in my mind where he runs back to me and holds me and never lets me go. Then reality hits that he already made his decision and he is checked out. He already told me in a previous conversation that he cannot let her go, but in the same breath that they argue all the time. What's tough is that he is in total denial, when he is not with the other woman, he is hiding out at his sisters watching movies and playing video games all day. He seems so checked out. When will he realize the damage he is created? l have to see him again at his Grandmas funeral today. What's the best way to handle him in the situations when l have to see him and when he comes by. He acts all nice and wants to do small talk and all l can think of is, you hurt me, your with that woman. Stay BOLD, that is strong and you did great in that statement to him. Let him know you're no longer "HIS" candy to have and eat too!!! And that if he keeps this up with his woman.....someone else will eat his candy!!! REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
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