M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 (edited) I have standard possession of my children. My ex moved away and now lives over 100 miles away. What often happens is my ex asks me if they can attend a birthday party, etc, on one of my weekends (1,3,5). I always agree, but under the requirement that I get to make the time up by getting one of her weekends in return (usually within the same month). Obviously because of the distance I can't just take them and give up an hour or so. But my ex never accepts my offers. She evidently wants me to give up my weekend without getting reciprocation. This is her standard mode of operation, as well as her family's. They always have to get an advantage in every circumstance or they don't accept. Whereas I'm in favor of an even swap. What is worst is that she then goes on to tell my children that "daddy won't let you go to the party", etc. But I'm clearly being flexible by allowing them to attend--afterall, it's about them and not me. So why won't my ex just be glad that I'm willing to swap weekends? You'd think any sane person would say thank you for being flexible. If she just expects me to give up my rare weekends with them and not get the time made up, I'm sorry, time with their father takes priority. Looking for unbiased comments, thanks. Edited November 9, 2013 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Oh wow I feel so sorry for your children being in the middle of that. If the children really are the priority here, making plans for them shouldn't be this complicated and full of power play. Can't you be the bigger man just once for the sake of your children? But if this constantly happening, maybe legal advice should be sought. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Oh wow I feel so sorry for your children being in the middle of that. If the children really are the priority here, making plans for them shouldn't be this complicated and full of power play. Can't you be the bigger man just once for the sake of your children? But if this constantly happening, maybe legal advice should be sought. It's a pretty frequent thing. She has a very large extended family with weddings, ceremonies, parties at least once per month. It's not a matter of me "being the man" because that would mean me hardly ever seeing them and frequently going 20+ days without seeing them. Just to give you an idea, she has strictly forbade me from even holding them or walking around with them during school events that fall on her days (ie, every day). It's funny but if the event is something she REALLY wants to take them to, she grabs up my offer quickly and has no problem swapping. I think she just throws out these requests to see if she can get more free time with them. She doesn't care about half the requests. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Its a subtle way of painting you as the bad guy with the kids by not letting them go. Real $hitty thing of her to do. Do the kids take it out on you when you have them or are they old enough to see they are being used as pawns? IME kids wise up to this kind of game playing even at a fairly young age. One suggestion M30, as tempting as it is, never speak negatively of their mom in front of them cuz you will just stoop to her level. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Really? Even just walking with them isn't allowed? That's a horrible thing for her to do I got no advice, sorry. Maybe other more experienced members can help you. I just hope your children are okay emotionally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Its a subtle way of painting you as the bad guy with the kids by not letting them go. Real $hitty thing of her to do. Do the kids take it out on you when you have them or are they old enough to see they are being used as pawns? IME kids wise up to this kind of game playing even at a fairly young age. One suggestion M30, as tempting as it is, never speak negatively of their mom in front of them cuz you will just stoop to her level. Haven't spoken a single negative word about her in their presence. I haven't even told them she assaulted me or tried to get CPS to take them from me. Meanwhile she continues to suggest to my kids that I'm some kind of abusive, neglectful father. My son told me that EVERY time he goes back to his mom's, she asks him if I'm "hurting" him. Talk about parental alienation and suggestive comments. Unreal. Especially after 3 judges, a counsellor, and 2 CPS calls ruled me out. You'd think she'd stop. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Just to give you an idea, she has strictly forbade me from even holding them or walking around with them during school events that fall on her days (ie, every day). Does she have a court order with these types of restrictions? Because if she doesn't you could just tell her to go f*ck her self. Seriously - it sounds like you need to lawyer up and fight for more rights and hold her to her responsibilities and legal obligations. Did she have a right to move away and take your children from you? That is another thing that could be fought in court... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Can you move closer to the kids? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Haven't spoken a single negative word about her in their presence. I haven't even told them she assaulted me or tried to get CPS to take them from me. Meanwhile she continues to suggest to my kids that I'm some kind of abusive, neglectful father. My son told me that EVERY time he goes back to his mom's, she asks him if I'm "hurting" him. Talk about parental alienation and suggestive comments. Unreal. Especially after 3 judges, a counsellor, and 2 CPS calls ruled me out. You'd think she'd stop. This is EXACTLY what my partner's wife has done to him. There have been THREE CPS investigations into my partner and - even after a full decade (yep, ten years!) - his Ex won't stop with the barrage of negativity. It is only now (when his kids are 11 and 14) that they are starting to figure out that their mother has problems. Look at the big picture and be the best Dad you can be. My partner has looked at the long haul and is just now seeing his positive influence in their lives, even when their Mother continues providing a negative influence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 you could just tell her to go f*ck her self. This is the proper move. Seriously. She is on a power trip and I feel like you let her get away with everything. Try this next time: 'Oh, the kids have a birthday party to go to? Too bad. It's my time with them. When you have them, you can take them to birthday parties until your face falls off. If that doesn't work for you, then f*ck yourself. And if that doesn't work, file a motion.' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Thanks for all the replies. Unfortunately in today's legal custody climate, men can't fully speak their minds. I will take the advice and work within reason to accommodate her plans with the kids and if she wants to go on a power trip, that's tough for her. I'm not going to be disrespectful when she deserves it; I will just say, "Here's what I can do. I'm sorry if that won't work out." I'm done with the lawyers. As crazy as this stuff is, it's still on the "petty" level and unless she outright disobeys the court order or PROVEABLY engages in parental alienation, I will just let time be my greatest ally and allow my children to form their own conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Does she have a court order with these types of restrictions? Because if she doesn't you could just tell her to go f*ck herself. Order doesn't specify. She just claims that, since school events fall on her time, she has the right to say if I can hold them or walk around with them. I'm still gonn go to all their events. If she's gonna play that game, I'll let her. Events are only an hour. Sooner or later my children will wonder why her and her family are boxing me out and they'll resent her. All I care is that my children know I'm there and that their schooling is important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Can you move closer to the kids? Good question. Unfortunately I cannot discuss this. My ex is very good at searching for people online (she admitted this), so I won't reveal my plans on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 This is EXACTLY what my partner's wife has done to him. There have been THREE CPS investigations into my partner and - even after a full decade (yep, ten years!) - his Ex won't stop with the barrage of negativity. It is only now (when his kids are 11 and 14) that they are starting to figure out that their mother has problems. Look at the big picture and be the best Dad you can be. My partner has looked at the long haul and is just now seeing his positive influence in their lives, even when their Mother continues providing a negative influence. Exactly. I've taken the "big picture" approach too. This is why I'm not going to spend thousands of dollars to settle petty arguments. Let her win her power trips and damage her long term relationship with the kids. Every day that goes by, the balance will shift, I believe. Every hour. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) M3. On your scheduled day - You to take/accompany the children to the 'party' or event. This should not be considered an intrusion. My son has purchased a gift or two for these events. (98% of the time he sees his son every weekend.) Edited November 10, 2013 by UpwardForward 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 M3. On your scheduled day - You to take/accompany the children to the 'party' or event. This should not be considered an intrusion. My son has purchased a gift or two for these events. (98% of the time he sees his son every weekend.) I was going to say this too. If she won't give you details, ask the kid. They'll know. Invitations etc. If she won't give the kid the info, there you go. Theyll figure out what's up really fast. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 M30: I don't have any practical advice, but I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you love your children so much, and are willing to fight to be with them. If only more fathers loved their kids so much that they really tried to be with their children, the world would be a finer place. Good Luck, Grumps 4 Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 If only more fathers loved their kids so much that they really tried to be with their children, the world would be a finer place. This. I respect all the dads here that truly love their children and put them above their own needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I'm considering the idea of those who say to accompany the kids to party on my day. I just need to decide if I stay overnight in a hotel/motel in her city, or make one extra round trip on top of the long drive. Ugh. That would mean drive 2 hours Friday evening, drive 2 hours Saturday for party, drive 2 hours back after party, then drive kids 2 hours back to their mom Sunday. And it's actually 2 and 1/2 hours to be exact. Edited November 10, 2013 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 OP, considering what's gone before for you, I'd say your negotiation style is reasonable and considerate. You're apparently willing to forego your standard possession, sometimes without substantial notice, in exchange for similar possession during alternative time period in the near future. Personally, I'd just care less about the exW and her family's response and any manipulation of the children they engage in and soldier on. You know, like in that movie, Argo, argofµckyourself, with all due respect. Heh... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 M30: I don't have any practical advice, but I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you love your children so much, and are willing to fight to be with them. If only more fathers loved their kids so much that they really tried to be with their children, the world would be a finer place. Good Luck, Grumps Thanks for the encouragement. It's great to hear this after constantly hearing from ex that I'm neglecting and abusing my kids, and from my ex MIL that I'm a "disconnected dad" (she said this in court to judge). I know I'm a great dad and any time ex fires accusations at me, I have learned to either ignore it or respond by saying that I'm a great dad and love my kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I'm considering the idea of those who say to accompany the kids to party on my day. I just need to decide if I stay overnight in a hotel/motel in her city, or make one extra round trip on top of the long drive. Ugh. That would mean drive 2 hours Friday evening, drive 2 hours Saturday for party, drive 2 hours back after party, then drive kids 2 hours back to their mom Sunday. And it's actually 2 and 1/2 hours to be exact. I'd stay the night at a hotel. The kid'll think it's more fun than extra driving, and once she sees you're serious about this stuff, she'll probably back off on pushing the family event invitations on your weekends. Why doesn't she come get them on Sun? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 I'd stay the night at a hotel. The kid'll think it's more fun than extra driving, and once she sees you're serious about this stuff, she'll probably back off on pushing the family event invitations on your weekends. Hmm, that's good insight. If you're right, this implies that she pushes the invitations merely to be difficult. That's sad. Why doesn't she come get them on Sun? She wouldn't. If I don't do things exactly her way, she says no deal and goes on to tell the kids that I'm the reason it didn't work. I just expect this now and I'm learning to handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 If you do the hotel, split the trip costs. Your time is free (it's not, but for sake of negotiation, it is), you pay for fuel, she pays for hotel. Otherwise, entitlement attitude will become entrenched. Since all of this is outside of the court's order, you can do whatever you want. It's your scheduled time. Do what works for you. IMO, what I see happening if you roll over is that these 'events' will become much more frequent and/or commonplace with the passage of time. Never underestimate the power and deviousness of a woman bent on control. Since the holidays are coming up, watch out. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 She wouldn't. If I don't do things exactly her way, she says no deal and goes on to tell the kids that I'm the reason it didn't work. I just expect this now and I'm learning to handle it. Then you have the kids for the whole week, because mommy didn't come get them. Hurray! You pick up the kids for your time; she picks up the kids for her time. That's pretty normal from what I've seen among divorced parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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