Swapping weekends w/ standard possession?

[M30USA]

If you do the hotel, split the trip costs. Your time is free (it's not, but for sake of negotiation, it is), you pay for fuel, she pays for hotel. Otherwise, entitlement attitude will become entrenched. Since all of this is outside of the court's order, you can do whatever you want. It's your scheduled time. Do what works for you. IMO, what I see happening if you roll over is that these 'events' will become much more frequent and/or commonplace with the passage of time. Never underestimate the power and deviousness of a woman bent on control. Since the holidays are coming up, watch out. Good luck.

 

Wow, I never even THOUGHT of asking for her to cover travel costs.

[carhill]

The sticky wicket is if the court order for custody doesn't specify transfer arrangements, only time with parents. It's conceivable that she could use such ambiguity, if it exists, to compel the court to hold the OP in abeyance of the order. He could argue 'well, she didn't come to pick them up' until the cows come home, but the judge goes by the order in front of them and he would be the party with possession in violation of the order. Tricky stuff, especially when dealing with an ex-spouse such as his exW. I'd recommend caution.

[xxoo]

I think she'll be far more motivated to come pick up her kids than she would to pay for your hotel room to go to an event she doesn't want you to attend.

[carhill]

I think she'll be far more motivated to come pick up her kids than she would to pay for your hotel room to go to an event she doesn't want you to attend.

I agree but it appears she has proven herself to be insensitive and uncooperative with any 'middle ground' on custody and transfer. Essentially, it's her way or the highway and the OP is the bad guy if he doesn't conform to her standards. OP, my position, which has changed markedly since being married and divorced, is do what's legal and in the best interests of your children *and* yourself, regardless of how popular or unpopular it is or what other people say or think. There are billions of people in the world and they are largely irrelevant. When you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. That's really good information!

[UpwardForward]

The sticky wicket is if the court order for custody doesn't specify transfer arrangements, only time with parents. It's conceivable that she could use such ambiguity, if it exists, to compel the court to hold the OP in abeyance of the order. He could argue 'well, she didn't come to pick them up' until the cows come home, but the judge goes by the order in front of them and he would be the party with possession in violation of the order. Tricky stuff, especially when dealing with an ex-spouse such as his exW. I'd recommend caution.

 

Yes. If the children aren't returned as per agreement between the two parents she could go further with her agenda, and with reporting to the police.

[UpwardForward]

M3, All I can say is: I believe your children will remember any and all efforts you make to see them / be with them.

 

When my mother was a child, there was a divorce. Her mother married a man in Missouri. Father remained in Ohio and petitioned the court to take permanent custody of the three children.

 

Father's sister traveled to Missouri to pickup the young children and dropped them off at their mother's. (Children's grandmother). Children were raised in destitution. And to this day, my mother blames her mother for not fighting for them, and feeling she didn't care about them.

 

I'm thinking the mother probably thought her hands were tied because of the courts, and the father was using the children to get back at the mother for leaving.

[xxoo]

Yes. If the children aren't returned as per agreement between the two parents she could go further with her agenda, and with reporting to the police.

 

Of course, if there is a legal agreement, follow it.

 

I was under the impression there is not a legal agreement, and thus I would pursue an agreement by which each parent takes responsibility for a leg of travel. The motivation is there to retrieve her kids, so the OP would have some leverage on this issue.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm considering the idea of those who say to accompany the kids to party on my day. I just need to decide if I stay overnight in a hotel/motel in her city, or make one extra round trip on top of the long drive. Ugh. That would mean drive 2 hours Friday evening, drive 2 hours Saturday for party, drive 2 hours back after party, then drive kids 2 hours back to their mom Sunday. And it's actually 2 and 1/2 hours to be exact.

 

I just drove 2 hours in a blizzard yesterday: to get to my day job.

 

Aren't you even in a state that doesn't HAVE blizzards?

[dreamingoftigers]

OP, considering what's gone before for you, I'd say your negotiation style is reasonable and considerate. You're apparently willing to forego your standard possession, sometimes without substantial notice, in exchange for similar possession during alternative time period in the near future.

 

Personally, I'd just care less about the exW and her family's response and any manipulation of the children they engage in and soldier on. You know, like in that movie, Argo, argofµckyourself, with all due respect. Heh...

 

Personally there's a chance I would've broken out the 2x4 for old time's sake because of how much of a pain in the ass she's been.

[M30USA]

Personally there's a chance I would've broken out the 2x4 for old time's sake because of how much of a pain in the ass she's been.

 

Nah, that's what my ex did to me. Literally.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree but it appears she has proven herself to be insensitive and uncooperative with any 'middle ground' on custody and transfer. Essentially, it's her way or the highway and the OP is the bad guy if he doesn't conform to her standards. OP, my position, which has changed markedly since being married and divorced, is do what's legal and in the best interests of your children *and* yourself, regardless of how popular or unpopular it is or what other people say or think. There are billions of people in the world and they are largely irrelevant. When you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. That's really good information!

 

I always appreciated the phrase bolded above.

A lot of people take it as "it's my way or you can go to Hell."

 

But it really doesn't mean that if you look at it. In this case she is literally presenting him with doing it "her way" or he spends extra time "on the highway" to see his kids.

 

I think that underlines and clarifies the best choice.

 

As a personal side note: my father use to use that phrase frequently as I was growing up. He mentioned it again around the time my daughter was born. I cracked up laughing and when he asked "what?" I told him "you've been saying 'it's your way or the highway to me for a long time. Did you notice that I've hitchhiked over 36 states, 10 provinces and 2 territories. I even married a hitchhiker I met while hitchhiking. After that I went for my class one license."

 

"I think it's safe to say I choose 'the highway' far more often than 'your way.'

It was one of those rare moments where he actually appreciated my sense of humor.

[SoleMate]

I don't have a great practical solution...I'd just say, as much as oyu can, stay focussed on the kids and their needs, and treat the X like an unpleasant fact of nature.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nah, that's what my ex did to me. Literally.

 

That's why I mentioned it.

[Misadventure]

Oh wow I feel so sorry for your children being in the middle of that. If the children really are the priority here, making plans for them shouldn't be this complicated and full of power play. Can't you be the bigger man just once for the sake of your children? But if this constantly happening, maybe legal advice should be sought.

 

This. ^^

 

The kids in the middle are the ones that aftermath.