Why is it so important for the OW to know they are the love of MM's life?

[Baby123]

So i'm asking the above question because I know it mattered to me as the OW and I have read other posters talk about how 'mm never loved anyone like them.'

 

I don't want the answer that all other women are insecure or inferior to the BS because quite frankly that's bs.

[MissBee]

I think most affairs rely on the idea of being special. This could be for lots of reasons, but one of them is that since it is apparent that the situation is duplicitous, there needs to be a "good reason" for it, which makes it more palatable, and one "good reason" seems to be the idea that this person isn't normally that way but it is something about you and your "connection" why they had to cross the line. That is way more romantic and easier to maneuver than thinking they are some common cheat. There was one OW whose MM had 19 ddays and several OW before her, and after her, maybe even during their A if I recall, and even still she held to the narrative that he never loved any of them but her and also loved her more than his wife. Why does it matter if an obvious serial cheater "loves" you the most of everyone he cheated with esp if he's still married? It seems like it doesn't/shouldn't matter...but I get why it matters. Everyone wants to feel special and not disposable and cheap.

 

In normal relationships too, sometimes when it ends people are preoccupied with knowing if they mattered or were special or "the most special".

 

I think eventually you get over it. I think it is part of the shock of it all and in trying to make sense of it you hold on to that need to be special, over time you don't care anymore about it, but certainly during the A many need to believe that and when it's recently over it's also something that people become preoccupied with.

Edited November 9, 2013 by MissBee

[Raena]

I think the above poster explained it pretty well.

 

I can't imagine any OW not wanting to feel like their relationship with the MM is special and that they are loved more than all others. Otherwise, what is the point in having an affair if you aren't all that special?

 

I have a feeling that it is also a way of justifying why it is ok to be with the man. After all, if he doesn't love you more than anyone else, then what else would the relationship be? Booty call? Just sex? If it isn't "love" then it is not "justifiable"

 

I do suspect however, that many times, probably not in all cases... but many times the MM tells the OW this just because he knows that what she needs to hear. Even if it isn't true. It might be true in that moment, but he probably said the exact same thing to his wife or previous OW's as well.

[Baby123]

Thanks for the response MissBee

 

I was thinking about it because in previous relationships I had never needed to know that I was the only person that my then partner had ever loved and that I was the most special person but with my MM it felt like it was a big deal.

 

From going NC I have found that I really care about how MM and his family view me and our relationship and that in itself is odd. EW.

[Baby123]

I have a feeling that it is also a way of justifying why it is ok to be with the man. After all, if he doesn't love you more than anyone else, then what else would the relationship be? Booty call? Just sex? If it isn't "love" then it is not "justifiable".

 

I get that although it seems like 'love' doesn't seem to be enough, that the OW must know she was 'the one'

[Raena]

I get that although it seems like 'love' doesn't seem to be enough, that the OW must know she was 'the one'

 

I think this is true in most relationship anyway isn't it? We are all searching for "the one". Do you feel like this is something that is more of a focus for the OW?

[ComingInHot]

Maybe because to realize or think the contrary would be awfully tough to deal with?!??

[Journee]

I think it is pretty understandable to think this way or need to think this way. Most everyone wants to feel THAT special. Problem is actions need to back it up whether it's an A relationship or not. That is what is really telling. Not letters , texts ,e-mails or pillow talk ....actions are what matters. That goes for everyone.

 

I know you said that you don't want to hear about low self-esteem but why couldn't that be a factor? It is a possibility. It's not abnormal to have moments where we don't feel the best about ourselves or situations. It happens to the best of us.

 

Who wants to invest their time and love into a situation that they are viewed as mediocre? Replaceable? Most people wouldn't want to feel like that. I don't think this is specifically limited to being an AP. You see BS and WS struggle with this also.

 

I think MissBee was spot on. Why take the risk if the AP isn't the " one"? Why take the risk if the BS already is the " one"? I think the issue with that thinking is assuming that any of it is based on rational thought and not emotions that ebb and flow. None of it makes sense logically but it happens anyway.

[Baby123]

Its really hard because as the AP, your not likely to have a normal relationship so I guess you satisfy yourself with the notion of 'if I had met MM first' or 'MM made a mistake marrying the bs' as a way of consoling the pain of not having a future with the MM.

 

Its hard to think that the MM is choosing the BS, so you justify it with he is not, he has simply got himself into a bad situation and then met the woman of his dreams...

 

foolish but probably why I feel so bad...

 

I wonder why I care so deeply about MM's family, and the BS's prespective on our relationship... like I want to make sure she knows how much MM loved me... weird how the mind works...

[Baby123]

Sorry weski, you musnt know about my situation in detail. Me and MM had an affair that only last 2 months- he left for me as soon as he could. Its the age gap that we broke up over, certainly not over MM wanting the BS back. The BS took an overdose (which I know to be 100% true) when I was off travelling and his kids made him promise to give his relationship a chance, (since we were broken up it wasn't asthough he stopped our relationship for her.)

 

He has done everything he can to stall on this, and I can't imagine it will work out...

 

I feel sorry for her, I do. I hope they can work it out but I know MM does not value her/fancy her so it will never work out.

 

I just hate people around him minimising what me and him had due to the age gap and the affair- I don't even know why it bothers me

[Eggplant]

There are reasons in this world that prevent people madly in love from being together. Age gap usually isn't a big enough deterrent for people truly in love, if they are both single and all other things good.

[megamommy]

For me it is a matter of circumstance. We have always had "feelings" for each-other, as long as we have known each other. I want to know he loves me like I love him, that he feels what I feel for him. It's a reassurance issue given the circumstances. I want it hear it because he can't show it to me. We rare get to see one another. It's once a month, or every couple of months.

 

 

Our story is a bit different than most "affair" stories. Our affair is still very new, 3 months, and at the time he is a little confused and a little scared of his feelings.

 

Mostly I want to know he loves my like no other, to make sure that I am not in this as a form to entertain him.

[Baby123]

There is a 20 year age gap.

 

This combined with the fact that I've just got my first major job- for a big global company and moved to the capital (increasing the distance between me and MM) that our relationship became super hard. He doesn't want a weekend gf at his time off life, and at the same time doesn't want to hold me back. Hes been held back in his career by family commitments and does not want to do that to me...

 

This combined with the fact that I made the error of flirting with a friend, who is 20 years MM's junior and who I find out of this universe, MM became very insecure, thinking it was only a matter of time until I one day left him...

 

Trouble is this all makes sense, but I do love him like mad...

[WakingUp]

I think the OW needs to believe that she is the love of his life to try to justify all the heartache and pain, and I mean the heartache and pain of all concerned. Not that it justifies it, but really, why create so much destruction if it doesn't seem worth it?

 

Please note that I said "seem" and "try to justify." Not "does".

 

Cheers.

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Socalidude20]

It wasn't for me at all. I wasn't in a romantic relationship with him though it was simply sexual.

[Socalidude20]

Back on topic... I think the OW needs to believe that she is the love of his life to try to justify all the heartache and pain, and I mean the heartache and pain of all concerned. Not that it justifies it, but really, why create so much destruction if it doesn't seem worth it?

 

Please note that I said "seem" and "try to justify." Not "does".

 

Cheers.

 

Not every OM/OW creates destruction. Nor does everyone wants to. I surely didn't. I had never desired to be the love of his life as he wasn't for me either. That wasn't my goal in the relationship. I just had a good experiences with him and enjoyed it. That's basically it.

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Quiet Storm]

Sorry weski, you musnt know about my situation in detail. Me and MM had an affair that only last 2 months- he left for me as soon as he could. Its the age gap that we broke up over, certainly not over MM wanting the BS back. The BS took an overdose (which I know to be 100% true) when I was off travelling and his kids made him promise to give his relationship a chance, (since we were broken up it wasn't asthough he stopped our relationship for her.)

 

He has done everything he can to stall on this, and I can't imagine it will work out...

 

I feel sorry for her, I do. I hope they can work it out but I know MM does not value her/fancy her so it will never work out.

 

I just hate people around him minimising what me and him had due to the age gap and the affair- I don't even know why it bothers me

 

It's about validation. You want others to see your relationship as a valid and meaningful one.

 

When you are secure in a relationship, when you know without a doubt that you are loved, treasured and respected, the opinions of others are insignificant.

 

I married my husband, who is black, months after graduating high school. We had many family members doubting our love and questioning our motives. I still get judged for it, and people make a lot of false assumptions about me.

 

I didnt care what people said. I didn't need to prove anything. I had no doubts. We were meant to be and the blessings of others were redundant. After 22 years and three kids, the haters have been silenced.

 

So I won't say its always about low self worth, but I do think that it reflects an insecurity that you feel regarding the relationship. It may not be concious insecurity. His family knows him well, so their acknowledgement that you are the one would validate your importance in his life. I can't help but feel that if you were 100% confident about his feelings for you, their opinions would not matter. You'd just be like "so what, they don't get us, who cares?"

[Baby123]

Weski,

 

Why must you make my story into something it is not.

 

Mine and mm's relationship broke up when it was out in the open and months before the bs came back into the equation.

 

Mm therefore did not CHOOSE the bs over me. Our relationship ended for reasons that were not due to the affair, although his family pressuring him was a factor in it- but not the make or break factor- and certainly not the bs

 

Reasons for not being together are not excuses. Especially when they are logical. People break up over alot less. And a 20 year age gap is hard. It doesn't mean we didn't love eachother, relationships of couples who love eachother don't always end in marriage, sometimes life gets in the way.

[Baby123]

Quiet storm, after reading your post I guess that is a major factor, insecurity of the relationship rather then insecurity always of the other woman.

 

It's hard to read that all other women are insecure, desperate and weren't 'cool'

In high school, and that we are all the good time girls.

 

It's not true, I am successful at everything I do, more so than the bs and the mm put together. I am more attractive then either of them too. Non of my previous bfs have been older or married. It just happened, I thought it was fun, sex. But it turned into him perusing me and leaving.

 

I just hate assumptions on this forum. MM gave his right arm to be with me.

 

I never waited in the wings, sharing a man, I demanding him fully from the begginging and that is what I got.

 

The reason I am here is the ups and downs of dating someone with so much baggage and newly seperated (with you being the main reason for the split) has been very hard to deal with.

[Socalidude20]

Weski,

 

Why must you make my story into something it is not.

 

Mine and mm's relationship broke up when it was out in the open and months before the bs came back into the equation.

 

Mm therefore did not CHOOSE the bs over me. Our relationship ended for reasons that were not due to the affair, although his family pressuring him was a factor in it- but not the make or break factor- and certainly not the bs

 

Reasons for not being together are not excuses. Especially when they are logical. People break up over alot less. And a 20 year age gap is hard. It doesn't mean we didn't love eachother, relationships of couples who love eachother don't always end in marriage, sometimes life gets in the way.

Truthfully she was in the equation of your relationship since the beginning. He married her. She's always going to play a bigger than you did. I was an OM myself. If you couldn't accept your place I really don't get why accepted your place as on OW.

[Baby123]

Truthfully she was in the equation of your relationship since the beginning. He married her. She's always going to play a bigger than you did. I was an OM myself. If you couldn't accept your place I really don't get why accepted your place as on OW.

 

Wow, I literally want to cancel my love shack membership!!!

 

I was an OW for literally 2 months, the last month was for over the Xmas period and the intial month was just fun and sex... 3 dates with a guy... I had no feelings at this point, I was just single, bored and thought why not?

At that point I thought if it wasn't me it would be somebody else??

 

Me and MM lived together for 6 months and it was in that time me and him broke up, not to do with the BS... he still is single, in his apartment to this day... if he was so desperate to go home, wouldn't he have done it in 4 months ago when we first broke up and I went travelling?

 

He avoids her like the plague.

 

Our relationship broke up due to an AGE GAP AND ME MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR WORK.

 

I am here for support following dating a man who was newly separated, with me being the main reason for his separation- and the ups and downs we had in regards to this- not because my MM threw me under the bus or because he ran back to his BS...

 

FGS. this isn't support, its generic dribble

[goodyblue]

Sometimes people overthink things. Maybe it felt that way at the time, maybe they ssaud it to justify, or in my case, maybe it is true. I was married for many years and that relationship didn't feel nearly as loving, kind, selfless as this. There are so many possible reasons that it would be impossible to pin down just one reason, or even a handful.

[curiousGeorge2]

I was married for many years and that relationship didn't feel nearly as loving, kind, selfless as this. There are so many possible reasons that it would be impossible to pin down just one reason, or even a handful.

 

Good for you. Your experience is quite refreshing compared to many others that are downright depressing. Can you share more of your story?

[Socalidude20]

Sorry weski, you musnt know about my situation in detail. Me and MM had an affair that only last 2 months- he left for me as soon as he could. Its the age gap that we broke up over, certainly not over MM wanting the BS back. The BS took an overdose (which I know to be 100% true) when I was off travelling and his kids made him promise to give his relationship a chance, (since we were broken up it wasn't asthough he stopped our relationship for her.)

 

He has done everything he can to stall on this, and I can't imagine it will work out...

 

I feel sorry for her, I do. I hope they can work it out but I know MM does not value her/fancy her so it will never work out.

 

I just hate people around him minimising what me and him had due to the age gap and the affair- I don't even know why it bothers me

 

 

Wow, I literally want to cancel my love shack membership!!!

 

I was an OW for literally 2 months, the last month was for over the Xmas period and the intial month was just fun and sex... 3 dates with a guy... I had no feelings at this point, I was just single, bored and thought why not?

At that point I thought if it wasn't me it would be somebody else??

 

Me and MM lived together for 6 months and it was in that time me and him broke up, not to do with the BS... he still is single, in his apartment to this day... if he was so desperate to go home, wouldn't he have done it in 4 months ago when we first broke up and I went travelling?

 

He avoids her like the plague.

 

Our relationship broke up due to an AGE GAP AND ME MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR WORK.

 

I am here for support following dating a man who was newly separated, with me being the main reason for his separation- and the ups and downs we had in regards to this- not because my MM threw me under the bus or because he ran back to his BS...

 

FGS. this isn't support, its generic dribble

I wanted to line up what you said previously....

 

You say he avoids her like the plague however after he was done with you, he considered coming back with her. You've mentioned about Ddays... I'd think for someone you'd been with for six months who was avoiding his wife like the plague would be definitely in the process of a divorce.

 

Also I think if you were the cause of his separation how come after he broke up with you he didn't go right back to his wife? Obviously, it's not you. He was likely going to separate from whether you came along or not. His desire to be divorced likely may have to do with his own needs and desires not exactly you.

 

And has he been married to wife for 8 months? Or a year? Do you have kids with him?

 

She will likely always be a factor in his life as long as he's married to her whether separated or not and the fact that he's considered going back shows her impact which is much more than your role you've only been involved with him for 8 -12 months.

[Socalidude20]

Also seriously I don't get why sone OWs want a serious relationship with a cheating MM?

I always thought if you're cheating with me, who's to say you won't cheat on me? You made a lifelong vow and that still didn't keep you from cheating. I guess I just don't like going into relationships where I know I'm likely going to be cheated just like MW. I kind of swathe MW as the sucker and never would want to be in the same situation as her.

 

And never expect to get anything good that you got out of immoral actions. A relationship with him likely would've ended up like hers.

 

I think partially why you see it differently is because you blame the MW. When it was actually all his actions that caused this you and her. I tend to blame the cheater. Some people blame the OW. However, I don't think if he weren't ready separate you'd have been able to get him to do that. To me the MM has all the cards in his hand and everyone else makes their own choice regarding the love triage.