Why is it so important for the OW to know they are the love of MM's life?

[Socalidude20]

Social dude- life isn't all black and white, I'm young and I know that

 

I'm actually around your age I'm 20.

 

My name's socalidude not social dude. It stands for south california....

Edited November 11, 2013 by Socalidude20

[Saba]

So i'm asking the above question because I know it mattered to me as the OW and I have read other posters talk about how 'mm never loved anyone like them.'

 

I don't want the answer that all other women are insecure or inferior to the BS because quite frankly that's bs.

 

Just a theory (and maybe someone has already said this as I have not read all of the replies) but maybe APs need to feel that way because they know there are other 'loves' for the married partner (the BS). We all like to feel special.

[Socalidude20]

Good grief. I went to work and came home to see this thread had completely derailed.

 

Why is it that BS and indeed posters who have never been in an affair situation feel that they are authorities on the subject?

 

Ha, Ive said it before and I will say it again. If you are a BS and have time to sit on here and attack anonymous OW... is your WS looking over your shoulder and cheering you on? Or is he working late... in between all that frantic reconciling and hysterical bonding and oh BS I love only you, the OP didn't mean anything... where is he?

 

Asleep on the couch perhaps, with a smile on his face... whats he dreaming of?

 

As far as Im concerned if a BW wants to come into an OW/OM forum to bash us then they can take whats coming to them.

 

That's all.

 

I actually was an OW/OM and I still didn't agree with her on many things. Just because I've btdt doesn't mean that I'll see the outlook the same as every OW on this forum. We vary like any other subset of people.

[curiousGeorge2]

baby:

You mom is right about the whole thing. It could work out for you and him but the age gap is something you and he need to think through. In 20 yrs he will reach retirement but you will still be a rising star in your career. Not to mention the sex life aspect.

 

On the other hand, a 23 yr old can afford mistakes. But a 43 yr old cannot, which is probably his concern.

[Got it]

I'm 23, and just got my first 'big time job' do you really think I have time or the inclination to make fake accounts?

 

FYI sunset and a few other posters are the only thing that made me feel okay yesterday, I felt pretty low after feeling picked apart by posters

 

I don't know how I'd answer it, I think part it has to do with the intensity of the affair and part to do with trying to justify it...

 

Thanks got it! I find it hard being able to say that my

Mm has tried to always do right by me...

 

My mum thinks mm is lovley but just doesn't see how we could make it... She says I'd be making my life very hard by being with

Someone so much older with baggage when in her eyes I can have anyone.!

 

Baby, I think your mom has some valid points. Even without the affair dynamic, the age difference, etc. would be a lot to deal with.

 

What do you want? You are still very young so you don't have to be ready to marry right this second. You are in your "first read job", etc. There is a lot to experience out there. There is a lot on his end that he needs to figure out. If he is worthy of you, he will step up and take care of his life. If he can't or, more importantly, won't then he really isn't worthy of you.

 

Focus on your life, your job. This is his baby to rock and he needs to focus there. If he gets things figured out, then good for him, if not then he was never worthy of you to begin with. He is a big boy and does have life and experience, more than you. He should be able to handle this.

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

I actually can't believe some of the hurtful responses on this thread - I don't understand the agendas of some posters

Our apologies for that, as this thread was only brought to our attention overnight and I tried to clean up the worst of it this morning. So far, no one is banned but we're doing background checks on a few members here and will update. Suffice to say that cross-talk amongst members not relevant to topic puts your posting privileges and membership in jeopardy, especially if repetitive. We compile lists of repeat offenders and periodically remove them so don't think that hit and run will save you.

 

Now, if posters have input as to why it is important for an OW/OM to know they are the love of the MM/MW's life, this is the thread to share it. Thanks!

[cocorico]

So i'm asking the above question because I know it mattered to me as the OW and I have read other posters talk about how 'mm never loved anyone like them.'

 

I don't want the answer that all other women are insecure or inferior to the BS because quite frankly that's bs.

 

I would not want to speculate about others, but to answer the question for myself:

 

It mattered to me to know I am "the love of his life" because if someone as wedded to duty and "doing the right thing" as he is was to walk away from a 30 year R I would want it to be for something he was really passionate about. I would not want him wracked with doubts wondering if he could not have stuck it out for a few more years, just till his kids left home, rather than turning everyone's world upside down on a whim. I want him to be sure that the choice he made back then, to leave her, was the best choice he could have made at the time with the information available to him then. And, I would like to think that it still appears to be the right decision, when he looks back at it now.

[ComingInHot]

I stand by my first post. I'm Not an "authority on the OW and my post was Not a BS "on the rampage".

I am, however, an authority on how I mentally handle things. That said, there are times when I Choose to believe something because to believe the contrary would, on fact, "keep me up at night..."

 

Regardless of the stitch*

[SoleMate]

In a normal r/s, there are already so many factors making it clear to a woman that she's special. Examples:

 

1) you two are exclusive

2) your partner acknowledges you to everyone

3) you don't have to hide

4) he never leaves you for anyone else

5) he never ignores you

6) he never expresses love for another (actions or words)

7) he never vacations with, eats family meals with, or climbs into bed with any other woman

8) he doesn't throw you under the bus

etc.

 

With all the factual observations above, there is rarely a further need for an overt statement of specialness.

 

But in a typical A, an OW has few or none of the standard indicia of specialness, so she clings to shreds of evidence and pores over them obsessively trying to convince herself of a conclusion in opposition to the data. The facts of an A make it clear that an OW usually ISN'T special in that MM r/s in the way she wants to be and that hurts. So the brain protects itself by twisting facts.....

Edited November 11, 2013 by SoleMate

[cocorico]

In a normal r/s, there are already so many factors making it clear to a woman that she's special. Examples:

 

1) you two are exclusive

2) your partner acknowledges you to everyone

3) you don't have to hide

4) he never leaves you for anyone else

5) he never ignores you

6) he never expresses love for another (actions or words)

7) he never vacations with, eats family meals with, or climbs into bed with any other woman

8) he doesn't throw you under the bus

etc.

 

 

That pretty much excludes many Ms, then, or any other R where one partner loves another.

 

It also includes several of the As that have been posted about on these forums.

[goodyblue]

In a normal r/s, there are already so many factors making it clear to a woman that she's special. Examples:

 

1) you two are exclusive

2) your partner acknowledges you to everyone

3) you don't have to hide

4) he never leaves you for anyone else

5) he never ignores you

6) he never expresses love for another (actions or words)

7) he never vacations with, eats family meals with, or climbs into bed with any other woman

8) he doesn't throw you under the bus

etc.

 

With all the factual observations above, there is rarely a further need for an overt statement of specialness.

 

But in a typical A, an OW has few or none of the standard indicia of specialness, so she clings to shreds of evidence and pores over them obsessively trying to convince herself of a conclusion in opposition to the data. The facts of an A make it clear that an OW usually ISN'T special in that MM r/s in the way she wants to be and that hurts. So the brain protects itself by twisting facts.....

 

 

 

Yeeeeaahh. I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with this sweeping generalization. I never felt the sting of any of these things with the exception of keeping the affair under wraps until we were prepared for the fallout.

 

Not only this... but 'the brain twists facts to protect itself'? Ummm. Pretty sure my eyes were wide open, just like most ow. Seems like a kind way for you to say ow are deluded.I would be more likely to assign that to the other camp.

[Baby123]

Sole mate I think that is a great post you made and I agree that the issue is commitment based.

[curiousGeorge2]

solemate makes a good point. On the other hand, there is also the fact that many mm/mw are willing to risk their marriage to have a relationship with you.

 

Ultimately it boils down what you expect from the affairs. IMHO it's a bad idea for single people to be involved in an affair. It does not mean MM will love you less, it's just that they are not available for marriage.

Edited November 11, 2013 by curiousGeorge2

[bellasue]

Deep down, I think I was THE love of xmm's life. He did, however, tell me early on that duty trumped love and he simply could not face his family and friends if he were to dump his wife of 35 years......even if it meant he had to sacrifice his own happiness to do so.

 

I was foolish to think even a soul mate attitude or deep love and decade long friendship would change that sense of duty. In the end, I got thrown under the bus. The few times I have seen xmm, I asked him if he missed me at all, or still felt any love or affection. His response? "I'm not sure how knowing that would help you."

 

I don't know how he feels about the whole thing except he made sure to tell me he "really....REALLY loves his wife." Hmmmm......I think I figured that out when you dumped me and avoid me at all costs!

 

Tough stuff, this affair business!

[MissBee]

Yeeeeaahh. I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with this sweeping generalization. I never felt the sting of any of these things with the exception of keeping the affair under wraps until we were prepared for the fallout.

 

Not only this... but 'the brain twists facts to protect itself'? Ummm. Pretty sure my eyes were wide open, just like most ow. Seems like a kind way for you to say ow are deluded.I would be more likely to assign that to the other camp.

 

I'm confused.

 

If something doesn't apply to you/your situation does that mean it applies to no one else?

 

I don't get that just from the point of a logical argument. Solemate mentioned the "typical A", if your A was some other variant, then fine, but I find it strange that with sooo many similar stories, the 2 or 3 people who had some other kind of atypical A are the loudest about how much their A wasn't a certain way and then seem to want to dismiss those for whom their A very much fit the standard model.

 

In all relationships that are dubious for whatever reason, be it A, marriage, some other setup, people can delude themselves. This isn't some new fangled mumbo jumbo. In general life psychology exists because people are not always honest with themselves or fully aware of the meaning of everything they do. I didn't read Solemate's post as saying OW are deluded, and I find it odd that the remedy for this is to say "the other camp is deluded" ....how is it that one had a leg to stand on and the other doesn't? Anyway...I think most can admit that the TYPICAL secret A doesn't do as much to foster security and feeling special as an open R....and I am willing to bet money on that.

[Got it]

Listen, how on earth does anyone know who the love of their life is until the are dead or at least dying?

 

How many people think they are marrying "the love of their life" and 5 years later, are divorced?

 

I have a friend who was married for almost 20 years. Guy was a jerk but whatever, they divorce when the kids are adults.

 

She starts dating and is starts a"steady" dating (not sure what you crazy kids call it ) one gentleman. Well she soundly announces that he "is the love of her life". I muse on that for a little while for two reasons. One, because she had been married for a long time and two, because they were only dating for a month or so. How could she be sure of something like that?

 

So I ask her. And she tells me at her age you just know.

 

Well that was a couple years ago and a few relationships later. So I stand by my comment, I won't be able to say who was the love of my life is until it is it is nearing an immediate end. Prior to that, life is crazy and throws in a curve ball or two.

[goodyblue]

Listen, how on earth does anyone know who the love of their life is until the are dead or at least dying?

 

How many people think they are marrying "the love of their life" and 5 years later, are divorced?

 

I have a friend who was married for almost 20 years. Guy was a jerk but whatever, they divorce when the kids are adults.

 

She starts dating and is starts a"steady" dating (not sure what you crazy kids call it ) one gentleman. Well she soundly announces that he "is the love of her life". I muse on that for a little while for two reasons. One, because she had been married for a long time and two, because they were only dating for a month or so. How could she be sure of something like that?

 

So I ask her. And she tells me at her age you just know.

 

Well that was a couple years ago and a few relationships later. So I stand by my comment, I won't be able to say who was the love of my life is until it is it is nearing an immediate end. Prior to that, life is crazy and throws in a curve ball or two.

 

I think it is possible to have more than one great love of your life. I will ay that my guy is one of my great loves. But you are right, life throws curve Balls

 

Miss Bee, I understand you fee you are knowledgeable in all things affair, but the percentaage I see of ow ending up with their partner is higher than the two or three here. I do also feel that most ow do not go in blind. They know it will be rough and stick around when it is. That is because for one reason or another our needs are being met. We are not blind to our circumstances. And she gave a sweeping generalization which I do not find true most of the time.

[Got it]

I think it is possible to have more than one great love of your life. I will ay that my guy is one of my great loves. But you are right, life throws curve Balls

 

Miss Bee, I understand you fee you are knowledgeable in all things affair, but the percentaage I see of ow ending up with their partner is higher than the two or three here. I do also feel that most ow do not go in blind. They know it will be rough and stick around when it is. That is because for one reason or another our needs are being met. We are not blind to our circumstances. And she gave a sweeping generalization which I do not find true most of the time.

 

I am not saying you can't either. I am saying you can't say definitely until you can actually look back. And you can't look back when there is more in front.

 

And I agree, I have been on other OW boards were there were far more OP who move forward from the affair. It still wasn't in the majority but the stats are higher.

[MissBee]

I think it is possible to have more than one great love of your life. I will ay that my guy is one of my great loves. But you are right, life throws curve Balls

 

Miss Bee, I understand you fee you are knowledgeable in all things affair, but the percentaage I see of ow ending up with their partner is higher than the two or three here. I do also feel that most ow do not go in blind. They know it will be rough and stick around when it is. That is because for one reason or another our needs are being met. We are not blind to our circumstances. And she gave a sweeping generalization which I do not find true most of the time.

 

You have your own experience and others have theirs, if you have the right to say what isn't so based on YOUR experience, does it not follow that others have the same right? You're simply giving your experience goody and based on that declaring what you believe is true. I don't see how what you've done/are doing is any different from what I did...except I am not attempting to completely disregard an experience because it wasn't mine and am basing it on what is common on LS, which is the board we're all posting on right now.

 

This hasn't a thing to do with if you end up with your affair partner or not. That isn't the topic. The topic is about why OW need to be special which is something the OP has observed and people have responded as to why this might be the case. Whether you end up with your affair partner or not is not the crux of the matter. Solemate's response, even if it doesn't fit for ALL affairs, which she didn't try to make it do, is a reasonable one that may speak to why for the OW who want to know they were the love of MM's life why it's an issue. It also stands to reason and based on the original question that this is an issue for OW who are not with the MM anymore, so the percentage of people who end up with their MM is absolutely irrelevant.

 

If most OW are coming here to discuss a particular topic I don't see what the point is of shoving it in people's face how much yours wasn't that way and everyone else you know who isn't here to contribute to this. If by "WE" you mean you're speaking for OW as a corporate body, how can you accuse Solemate of sweeping generalizations when you're going to speak broadly about some "we"? The opposite of a sweeping generalization isn't an opposite but equally sweeping one. Inversion isn't subversion.

 

There is no "WE" goody...there is you and there is me, and there are individual OW here who may feel like you did or they may not. I acknowledge that some people's experiences were similar to mine and some weren't and I can also acknowledge what I see as the most common types of experiences here. Can you? But thankfully we can all read and can see individual OW aligning themselves with positions and experiences they feel match their own instead of being subsumed under a false "we" in either direction.

[MissBee]

I am not saying you can't either. I am saying you can't say definitely until you can actually look back. And you can't look back when there is more in front.

 

And I agree, I have been on other OW boards were there were far more OP who move forward from the affair. It still wasn't in the majority but the stats are higher.

 

And I think this is the point.

 

I don't think most sensible people would argue that an A can NEVER work out...clearly it can. That has never been an argument for me or an issue to contend with. What I have a problem with is when people make statements about affairs which would characterize most affairs and where many people can say this is exactly their experience, others, who have an experience which seems less common based on the current sample try to argue against the majority experience as though its made up and fabricated. I don't understand that at all. It's like lottery winners and everyone who has ever bought the lotto being together in a room and someone who is in the majority non-winner pool getting up to say: "Most people will spend more money on the lotto than they win, most will buy it daily, hope to win, watch tv nightly for the results, be disappointed, but keep buying" and one of the lotto winners, who may also have become friends with other winners, jumps up to disagree with that as a "generalization" and say how much for them it wasn't the case and they know at least 3 other winners. It's like okay...your experience is real and valid but how does it compare with the rest of the "room" so to speak? That's what's important.

[Baby123]

I guess what isn't important isn't what you are/were to someone after you've broken up but the memories.

 

Right now me and MM are broken up but my memories are still 90% happy, but if I continued to see him, I think the ratio of happy to sad would change.

 

I'd rather leave me and MM with happy memories.

 

I don't know if im the love of MM's life, but what I do know is I've felt loved, and special, and whisked off my feet. And I believe MM believes he has been very very lucky to be with me- more so than with anyone previously, and this has been reflected in his actions towards me.

Edited November 12, 2013 by Baby123

[JPMC]

The "right" relationship at the wrong time is still the wrong relationship.

[thecharade]

Is it? The only adjective in that sentence describing the relationship is "right."

[thinkingofhim]

If I didn't feel that he was "the one" this relationship would not be worth it to me. There are a lot of challenges thrown my way and it would be easier to date a single man, definitely, logistics wise and easier on my heart! Haha. So, yes, I do feel this way, and not because of insecurity. It's because if I felt he did not see me as the love of his life, this would just not be worth it.

[MissBee]

The "right" relationship at the wrong time is still the wrong relationship.

 

Essentially...

 

That's how I see it.

 

Love doesn't mean we need to be together forever or that we're even good as a sustainable couple and love without the right circumstances is still the wrong relationship. I don't believe in "lost love" or any of that. If the relationship cannot work and isn't working because the person is married or something else, I don't see it as me meeting the "right person" at the "wrong time." I see it as this is also the wrong relationship...