Why are people not satisfied as OM/OW?

[CanJanus]

I've been lurking in this forum for a bit, and I've noticed a consistent theme. People enter into relationships with married people, and then expect those married people to leave the marriage for the affair.

 

Inevitably, they start talking about destroying the marriage, usually under the guise of "I need to tell the BS because she has the right to know" or some other self-serving dribble.

 

I'm an OM. My MW is, well, married, and I expect her to stay married for many years in the future. Right now, I have a lot of fun with her. I am having the most engaging, satisfying, electrifying sex of my life, and I consider her to be a very good friend. Why would I want to mess that up by screwing around with her marriage?

 

I'm otherwise single, so if she wanted to leave then sure, but I'm in no rush. She has sex with her husband, it doesn't bother me. I'm not wracked by images of them having relations. The reason it doesn't bother me is because, well, she is married, and I kinda knew that when the relationship started since I hang around with her and her husband a lot

 

I like my MW a lot, and I'll be with her in whatever capacity works best for her. I would never wreck her marriage, for any reason, even if she left me. I have had a good time, and I appreciate the time that I have had. Those who destroy a marriage after the affair is over are, in my opinion, incredibly immature and pathetic.

 

So, if you are an OM/OW, if you knew that the marriage would never end, would you continue the affair? I know I would, and will, until I find somebody else or my MW decides that it is too much for her, whichever comes first, if ever.

[dichotomy]

Couple of questions (may have more after you answer)

 

If your MW divorced - would your relationship with her change? i mean would you marry her or move in together or something? Or would you more or less continue what you have (albeit it easier to do).

 

You mention if you found someone else - are you looking or would you see someone else (single woman) - or have you - while you are with MW.

 

 

 

To answer your question some OW are content to be mistress in some situations and for periods in their lives, with no expectation of "getting" then MM.

[AutumnMoon]

I've been lurking in this forum for a bit, and I've noticed a consistent theme. People enter into relationships with married people, and then expect those married people to leave the marriage for the affair.

 

Inevitably, they start talking about destroying the marriage, usually under the guise of "I need to tell the BS because she has the right to know" or some other self-serving dribble.

 

I'm an OM. My MW is, well, married, and I expect her to stay married for many years in the future. Right now, I have a lot of fun with her. I am having the most engaging, satisfying, electrifying sex of my life, and I consider her to be a very good friend. Why would I want to mess that up by screwing around with her marriage?

 

I'm otherwise single, so if she wanted to leave then sure, but I'm in no rush. She has sex with her husband, it doesn't bother me. I'm not wracked by images of them having relations. The reason it doesn't bother me is because, well, she is married, and I kinda knew that when the relationship started since I hang around with her and her husband a lot

 

I like my MW a lot, and I'll be with her in whatever capacity works best for her. I would never wreck her marriage, for any reason, even if she left me. I have had a good time, and I appreciate the time that I have had. Those who destroy a marriage after the affair is over are, in my opinion, incredibly immature and pathetic.

 

So, if you are an OM/OW, if you knew that the marriage would never end, would you continue the affair? I know I would, and will, until I find somebody else or my MW decides that it is too much for her, whichever comes first, if ever.

 

Me and my OM are both married and had this talk just this morning! We both plan to stay on the life track we are on, but we will continue to be together when we can with no plans to stop and we both love our arrangement. .

[MissBee]

It is quite difficult to truly "find someone else" while currently involved with another. I think many people foolishly believe they can be in an A though and somehow find someone else then they will neatly end the A and be with this new person....it makes no sense.

 

In any case: it depends on what people want out of the A and it depends on how things develop. Like the above mentality, which almost never works, the other thing people fool themselves with is thinking their A can be strictly casual, which is in line with the above thinking. Some As can be but many people start off thinking it will be just sex or "friends with benefits" then they fall for this person and all of a sudden the natural mate-guarding feelings come up where they want this person's time, attention, etc. more and more and become dissatisfied with them having another.

 

If you're in an A or ANY other situation where you genuinely are not emotionally attached and it's just sex or truly casual, then it will be easier to not care about them being married. Once you want more, it is way more difficult to be indifferent to it. Also, the OM/OW isn't wrecking the marriage by telling, the MP wrecked their own marriage by having an A that someone could tell on them about. I think it's incredibly ridiculous to blame the bearer of the bad news for the destruction of the marriage when it is pretty obvious that if the MP wasn't cheating there would be nothing to ruin or damage. However, MPs who want to remain married are better off finding loyal AP like yourself and others who find some nobility and value in covering for them and helping them lie to keep up the status quo. It's interesting what we value...you disdain immaturity and think it pathetic to tell the truth about an affair...but what do you think of the choice to be in the affair in the first place? To each his/her own. Immaturity isn't cute but there are lots more negative qualities that aid an affair that I dislike even more than immaturity.

 

I don't condone As but I do think on a purely rational level, if you want to have a fling with a married person where you two are not sharing emotions, going through the motions of a relationship, investing in them etc. and it can truly be where you just hook up sometimes, that may work better for you than if you're attempting to have a real relationship within an A context...as inevitably you will become dissatisfied. I have been with taken men twice. One was a relationship and one wasn't. The latter was where it was just sex, not a relationship. I didn't really share my emotions with him, confide in him, we weren't even good friends, and so I didn't give a lick about him leaving for me or about being with him primarily. Even if he was single I wouldn't want to be with him in a relationship. That was a less stressful situation...because I didn't really care. He was out of sight and out of mind after we hooked up, until the next time. I never thought about him in a romantic way at all, never imagined a future, daydreamed about him or anything, except when horny lol smh. However, in my actual A, I did love him, share with him, have a relationship and would definitely have wanted to be with him in a R if he were single, so because of that it led to jealousy, insecurity, the desire for more than just the A, the desire for a future etc. I never told, but I understand how in the latter context when one falls in love and wants more why it may lead to doing something to get more.

Edited November 9, 2013 by MissBee

[I'mNotYours]

So, if you are an OM/OW, if you knew that the marriage would never end, would you continue the affair?

 

My A with a MM ended some months ago (he ended it), and I'm not sure how long it would have continued if he didn't end it. The A lasted for 4 months. In the first two months it was exciting and fun and I was and still am in love, but then we both got tired of the sneaking around and only be together for some hours two days a week or so. And I didn't want to share him with his wife anymore. So something had to happen. And since he was confused about it all and needed time to think, he ended it.

 

I never expected him to leave his wife, but I hoped and wished for it.

[veryhappy]

How long has your A been going on? Who initiated it?

[CanJanus]

If your MW divorced - would your relationship with her change? i mean would you marry her or move in together or something? Or would you more or less continue what you have (albeit it easier to do).

 

I've been married once, I won't be making that mistake again. I'd probably continue what we have now, but more public. Maybe we would move in together, maybe not. Predictions are notoriously difficult to make and are largely inaccurate.

 

You mention if you found someone else - are you looking or would you see someone else (single woman) - or have you - while you are with MW.

 

No, I wasn't looking before the affair, and my urge to look now is not much greater. I'm a bit of an introvert, so I like having my space. One half-girlfriend is more than enough for me!

 

The affair is not casual, it definitely has emotional and physical components. I like her a lot! She is married, but I have had other relationships with their own particular difficulties (physical, financial, or emotional). No relationship is perfect. My MW is perfect for me, except that she is married. The difference is that I don't consider that to be a fatal flaw. Just a feature of the relationship.

 

If I wasn't happy with the situation though, I would just end the affair. I am otherwise unattached. I can move on whenever I want. Currently, I have absolutely no urge to move on. I just don't understand the mentality of people who are unsatisfied and then try to unilaterally change the situation. If I was married, and some OW even threatened to cause me grief, I would end that relationship so quickly she wouldn't even know what happened.

 

If I love someone, I wouldn't want to hurt them. If somebody is hurting their AP, then they don't love them.

[CanJanus]

How long has your A been going on? Who initiated it?

 

She initiated of course, generally one doesn't go after married people since they are usually not interested

[Goodbye]

A lot of married people who cheat are liars. Go figure. They present themselves as "available" to a single person. Yes, available can mean lots of things. My exMM portrayed himself as in a divorce which was initiated by his W. Long distance R...took me a bit to figure out the cold hard truths. He would never have offered up the honest truth...that his wife didn't even know there were any marital problems, much less asked for a divorce...and he was most definitely not living separately. During the time he was content lying to me about his marriage, he was also telling me how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to marry me etc. etc. Being a divorced single mother...he knew my weaknesses and took advantage of that.

 

There are also relationships that start out with the OW/OM knowing FULL well that the partner is committed. However, with time, an emotional connection develops and one or both parties want more...human nature.

[curiousGeorge2]

If I love someone, I wouldn't want to hurt them. If somebody is hurting their AP, then they don't love them.

 

totally agree.

 

you seem to enjoy your affair. good luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

Youre a guy...and men are more practical and pragmatic about these things, whereas a woman wouldnt....They need the whole enchilada...so to speak..(not that there is anything wrong with that-btw)..

 

Men are better at "compartmentalizing" than women are..in general..

 

If it works, ?great...*shrug*

 

I wonder, though...Do you ever worry that the guy she is married to might beat the crap out of you if he finds out?...Also...Are you OK with knowing you arent the only penis entering your gf? Not judging you, just curious...

 

TFY

[Eggplant]

It's interesting what we value...you disdain immaturity and think it pathetic to tell the truth about an affair...but what do you think of the choice to be in the affair in the first place? To each his/her own. Immaturity isn't cute but there are lots more negative qualities that aid an affair that I dislike even more than immaturity.

 

MissBee's paragraph here sums up my reaction. You judge other OP for certain qualities like immaturity. You, meanwhile, are having sex with another man's wife, and don't care. You're no better than the others.

[Eggplant]

Youre a guy...and men are more practical and pragmatic about these things, whereas a woman wouldnt....They need the whole enchilada...so to speak..(not that there is anything wrong with that-btw)..

 

Men are better at "compartmentalizing" than women are..in general..

 

If it works, ?great...*shrug*

 

I wonder, though...Do you ever worry that the guy she is married to might beat the crap out of you if he finds out?...Also...Are you OK with knowing you arent the only penis entering your gf? Not judging you, just curious...

 

TFY

 

Yes -- there's a big gender difference here. Women crave the loving relationship, while some men get all they need from sex. So it's not apples to apples to compare yourself with an OW.

[GatsbyMH]

It all varies based upon the amount of ownership you take of your AP. I used to have zero issues talking with her about her intimate times with her husband. We'd discuss it or I'd give her suggestions on how to improve it or find ways to help. And yes, she and I were having sex too. I was very accepting of things as they were. I never had jealousy and I accepted that this was something that was always going to happen.

 

Six months ago when their marriage got rocky and mine ended (purely coincidence) I got very jealous and was claiming this woman as mine in my head when I had no right to. I can't stand the idea of them being together now because this is the closest she and I have ever been to being able to be together as we'd like. She's still finding her way out of her marriage and I'm not pushing her to hurry. She has to end it for herself, not for me.

 

Suffice it to say, I think it's all about expectations. Two years ago I expected love, kisses, sex and stolen time together. Now, I want her to pack her bags and spend the night at my place and to hell with him but that's just not a reality I get to have anytime soon.

[dichotomy]

Your answers to my questions indicate this is not much more than a FWB type relationship. Or a long term mistress kind of thing (what is it called when its a man?)

 

Of course you would not interfere with the marriage - you got a booty call, some fun, and you can maintain your introvert separate space life - which even if she was divorced - is what you would want. But she stays married - and so she does not ask you for more as she will not divorce for you. Immoral - but win win right? (i guess)

 

I suspect some affairs start out accidentally or for limited needs - but many times love and a longing for exclusivity happen. Your criticizing people for wanting this - love and exclusivity from the person they fell in love with (ya - I know married and thats your point), while arguing people should be cool with just phuking a Married person and not want more.

 

None of this is good.

 

 

 

 

P.S. I always think icky thoughts when OW/OM tells me their AP is still having regular sex with their unknowing BS. I don't want to think who is kissing who after what with whom. Like a involuntary threesome.

[Socalidude20]

Well as for me I actually was satisfied with how things were after I broke up with my bf at the the time. I was 17&18 and like now comfortable with being single. I had no desire in even really being in a monogamous relationship because I couldn't commit to one person the reason why my bf and I broke up anyhow and he couldn't commit to his wife either. I enjoyed the sex but besides that we were just friends I didn't even love him and really didn't want love. I didn't really care about his family or really know them. I thought she was obviously not the brightest because I mean if I were the wife in this situation I'd have gotten a divorce after a few months of him cheating. Because I mean I just don't get why one would pretend to not know he habitually cheats when everyone else knew. It makes you look like a fool. I'd know because it happened with my parents all the time. Other than that I never had a personal issue with them being married I never had an issue with his sexual relationships be it with his wife or other girls for that matter.

[carhill]

Why are people not satisfied as OM/OW?

 

It may be an aspect of personality, as some people trend to the integrated versus compartmentalized when considering or pursuing aspects of interpersonal relationships relative to romance, love and sex.

 

IMO, the more completely a person can compartmentalize, the better they will be able to prosecute a sexual/emotional relationship with someone who is otherwise committed to another person legally or emotionally. The less completely, the antithesis. If a person trends to the integrated, IMO they'll likely make a lousy affair partner or will suffer great psychological distress from the process.

 

As each of us are different psychologically and function across a wide range of psychological perspectives, there are no universal rules IMO.

 

Personally, my lack of satisfaction stemmed from my refusal to have a sexual relationship with someone who was committed legally to someone else, even if/when she made herself available to me emotionally. This was very common in my demographic. That process, meaning my lack of satisfaction, was my responsibility. I could not de-integrate an exclusive committed relationship from emotional involvement and sex. Others who were better at it had more satisfying affairs, or so they shared with me.

[ImpatientRabbit]

I've been lurking in this forum for a bit, and I've noticed a consistent theme. People enter into relationships with married people, and then expect those married people to leave the marriage for the affair.

 

...

 

I like my MW a lot, and I'll be with her in whatever capacity works best for her. I would never wreck her marriage, for any reason, even if she left me. I have had a good time, and I appreciate the time that I have had. Those who destroy a marriage after the affair is over are, in my opinion, incredibly immature and pathetic.

 

Well in my case, I didn't "enter into" a relationship, but it just kind of developed quickly from a friendship. We both talked early on about our troubled marriages. When things had gotten serious, we both told each other that we wanted to be together.

 

I would not have been okay with being the other guy for long if she was planning to stay married. The first time, it just happened. But after that, it was all based upon the notion that if I gave her time to leave her marriage at her own pace and allow her life to settle down, that we would be together. She was in the process of relocating. Her husband was away for weeks at a time for years. She wanted him to know that his absence, and the lack of any real connection which made that acceptable, was the reason for the divorce as opposed to the cheating.

 

When it became clear that she was going to take much longer than I did to commit to that choice, we tried to stay away from each other. Just always wound up coming back to each other. I did tell the husband but only after being told repeatedly that she was going to do it and then never doing it.

 

But even that wouldn't have made me do it except that she let me drive 600 miles to see her, with the expectation that we would come out of hiding, only to tell me when I got there that she needed more time again. All this after I had already left my wife, of course. So yeah, I lost my **** and told him. He deserved to know anyway.

 

I can't even say I regret it 100% (though it did seriously damage our relationship) because it did get them to finally address what she kept putting off. Only problem is, many months later, the relationship had become a source of stress for her and she ultimately decided that her ****ty marriage was more familiar and stable than what we had become.

 

So anyway, that's why I did it.

[Socalidude20]

Btw, forgot to mention I never told about it well to his W. I actually neer talked to her about it at all. Once it was found out I was done with the relationship anyway since I was going off to college anyhow.

 

I also really didn't pursue the relationship. He approached me after an argument with my bf at the time.

[thecharade]

You are either:

 

A great compartmentalizer (which means you are close to no one, keeping compartments--people, feelings, information, experiences--separate, nobody getting all of you)

 

Or you simply don't love her. Like is not the same; there is no ownership in like.

[Socalidude20]

You are either:

 

A great compartmentalizer (which means you are close to no one, keeping compartments--people, feelings, information, experiences--separate, nobody getting all of you)

 

Or you simply don't love her. Like is not the same; there is no ownership in like.

 

Personally, I don't get where the ownership comes into play for any OM/OW.

[carhill]

Absent certain cultural situations like indentured servitude or slavery, people don't own other people. Partnerships like marriage are voluntary and can be dissolved unilaterally, so no ownership attends, as that entails one serving at the pleasure of another without recourse or potential remuneration or choice to dissolve.

 

Hence, interpersonal situations like marriage, LTR's or affairs are completely voluntary and bi-lateral. If one is satisfied with voluntarily existing in relationships like those, then they are satisfied. If not, not. To the extent any partner seeks to hide their behavior from or deceive the partner they have expressly made partnership commitments to, they solely are responsible for those choices. That latter part was what ended my voluntary participation in any perceived affair, and was an inhibiting factor to complete satisfaction as an OM. Once that choice (to end association) was made, dissatisfaction ended; it was palpable. Another person might perceive and approach and feel completely differently about the dynamic, respectful of the myriad of choices people have to behave and feel according to their own psychologies and belief systems.

[curiousGeorge2]

I am new here, but it seems many here, especially single women, have really high expectations of their affairs.

 

I would advise against single people from getting romantically involved with married ones. Many years ago as a single I had an EA with a married woman. The EA had a good ending for everyone involved, she introduced me to a woman who became my wife, her marriage improved and she is still married today, we are good friends though we have not talked for a long time as I tried to work on my marriage, and I also learned a lot from her. But the EA was highly asymmetric, it was very hard on holidays and I knew they still were having sex. By the end of EA, I was both desperate and vulnerable.

[Socalidude20]

Absent certain cultural situations like indentured servitude or slavery, people don't own other people. Partnerships like marriage are voluntary and can be dissolved unilaterally, so no ownership attends, as that entails one serving at the pleasure of another without recourse or potential remuneration or choice to dissolve.

 

Hence, interpersonal situations like marriage, LTR's or affairs are completely voluntary and bi-lateral. If one is satisfied with voluntarily existing in relationships like those, then they are satisfied. If not, not. To the extent any partner seeks to hide their behavior from or deceive the partner they have expressly made partnership commitments to, they solely are responsible for those choices. That latter part was what ended my voluntary participation in any perceived affair, and was an inhibiting factor to complete satisfaction as an OM. Once that choice (to end association) was made, dissatisfaction ended; it was palpable. Another person might perceive and approach and feel completely differently about the dynamic, respectful of the myriad of choices people have to behave and feel according to their own psychologies and belief systems.

This.

 

I think if anyone thinks otherwise the person they have a relationship with is in an unhealthy relationship.

[goodyblue]

I don't know about anyone else, but for both my guy and me being in an affair was not the relationship we wanted. We wanted to have a fully disclosed relationship, so from the beginning that was the goal. Not everyone enters an affair to be "half a girl/boy friend". We are really happy now, living a good life together. I would not recommend an affair to anyone. It was difficult and I am not happy that someone was hurt in the process of our relationship coming to be.