Did I make the right choice by holding my ground?

[iceisles]

Hey everyone. I'm just looking for some honest thoughts, which I hope will be some reassurance for me. My gf of 14 months broke up with me because I wouldn't move closer to her (preferably within 30 miles or so). We saw each other about one weekend every 6-8 weeks, which I realize was very tough on her (and me, as well, though I handled it better). She understood doing a LDR for awhile with the understanding that I would move closer to her.

 

However, after seeing where she lived, I decided there was no way I could live there. Quite frankly, her part of the state is very depressing, and I couldn't have seen myself happy there - even if I was with her. Add to that that work is VERY scarce in that area (wide open country, not much of anything there), and the odds are that I would have had to settle for a job that I didn't like or didn't pay well. I have a very good career where I am now, and it's a job I love and would hate to lose. Between sacrificing my career and moving somewhere that depressed me, I made the tough decision to stay put.

 

I know some people say that if you love someone, you will do anything for them. They say that love comes first, and while I understand that, I felt it too risky to give up my job and a home I like for a relationship I wasn't sure was leading to marriage. Don't get me wrong - if I had moved, I think we would still be together. We really cared for each other, but the distance was killing her. It bothered me, too, but I have always believed that a couple can overcome distance if they really care about each other. With that thinking, I did the best I could to handle the loneliness I felt during our time apart.

 

Do you all think I made the right choice? This decision was the hardest one I have ever had to make, and it resulted in me losing the only girl I have ever truly loved. But in the end, I felt the sacrifices that I was being asked to make were too much, and I just couldn't get comfortable with moving there. And FYI, she didn't want to move closer to me because she wanted to go to grad school close to her town. So it was kind of a situation where either I stepped up to the plate or things would end. I am still very happy with my home and my job, but without my ex and feeling alone, I am naturally second guessing myself.

 

Thanks for your time.

[Bronzepen]

You did the right thing.

 

In any situation, the most important thing is for both individuals to be happy. From what you said, you would have been miserable if you had moved out there. Most likely the relationship would have failed.

 

It's ok to feel pain but not regret.

 

Stay in touch, be friends.

 

Who knows, maybe after grad school she will move to your area and you can pickup where you two left off.

 

Yes, it's wishful thinking but there is nothing wrong with that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes love is not enough - truly. I think you did the right thing here. If you moved to somewhere that you did not like, and held absolutely no potential for your own personal fulfillment and happiness - then eventually your unhappiness would overshadow the relationship. Frustration and resentment would build, and eventually things would crumble. You shouldn't have to give up your shot at personal happiness and fulfillment and neither should she. Unfortunately, that put you at a crossroads. Nothing says that later on down the road, your paths can't cross again though.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

You did the right thing.

 

In any situation, the most important thing is for both individuals to be happy. From what you said, you would have been miserable if you had moved out there. Most likely the relationship would have failed.

 

It's ok to feel pain but not regret.

 

Stay in touch, be friends.

 

Who knows, maybe after grad school she will move to your area and you can pickup where you two left off.

 

Yes, it's wishful thinking but there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Thanks, bronzepen. Actually, her studies will eventually take her to a school about 30 mins from me, but that won't be for another 3 or 4 years. While it's nice to think we could reunite then, it doesn't make any sense to dream about the future. For now, I have tried to remain friends, but she isn't too interested. She has a new bf, one that lives closer, and I'm sure I'm just a memory to her now. And I am definitely happy that she's happy, but it's hard to think that we could still be together if I chose to leave. Like you said, though, both individuals have to be happy, and I know for a fact that I would have been miserable living in her area of the state - even if I found a comparable job.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Sometimes love is not enough - truly. I think you did the right thing here. If you moved to somewhere that you did not like, and held absolutely no potential for your own personal fulfillment and happiness - then eventually your unhappiness would overshadow the relationship. Frustration and resentment would build, and eventually things would crumble. You shouldn't have to give up your shot at personal happiness and fulfillment and neither should she. Unfortunately, that put you at a crossroads. Nothing says that later on down the road, your paths can't cross again though.

 

This was such a tough decision to make, but in the end I took a step back and looked at the entire picture - not just my love for her. There is no doubt that frustration and resentment would have built, and even if it didn't, it's possible that we wouldn't have lasted...and then what? I'd be alone, stuck somewhere I didn't want to be, wishing I was where I am now. I am remaining very friendly with her because you never know what the future holds...our paths very well may cross again. Funny things happen in life when you remain positive.

[bebop]

You did make the right choice. There is such a thing as too much compromise sometimes. I've known many couples in which one partner made a serious location change for the other, and the long-term success rate of that seems to be rather low.