Feeling more clear, but is it too little too late?

[confusedkat]

I had posted a while ago. Looking for advice on my marriage. My husband and I have grown apart over the last few years. Not being able to forgive the past, negelct of our marriage after having two kids, and looking outside for emotional support, although as I stated before, my emotional "affair" never got physical.

 

I have since left the job where I had a friend, who I turned to over my husband for emotional support...mostly because the support I needed was in regards to my failing marriage. I realize that I can't make any real effort in my marriage if I have someone else I turn to other than my husband. It is not easy learning to turn to my husband again. He has not been the most emotionally giving person in the past. Although, the hard part is he is trying so hard now. I sometimes just feel like it is too little too late. But, I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old, and I couldn't deal with hurting them, or even my husband, by leaving my marriage. I need to know I gave it everything I have. I have realized I am on no time line about making a decision. For awhile I felt i needed to decide now. But, I needed to simplify my life so that I can think things through clearly. I feel better in that I am no longer looking outside my marriage for support. I still just fear that I won't be able to get my feelings for my husband back. But, my nature and personaility is such that I can't find it in my heart to hurt anyone, even if they have hurt me immensely. I tend to feel guilt over every breath I take. It doesn't help that my parents and the rest of my family keep cautioning that I could be making a huge mistake if I leave. I guess I just wanted to vent a little and say that while I feel more clear and better about the person I am (I didn't like turning outside my marriage....I like to think I have a good deal of integrity and that I am a good person), it is still really hard. I sometimes feel like I divorced my husband emotionally years ago. And the hurtful part now is that he wants to be everything I need, and I am having a hard time letting him be. So, I keep looking inside, to see if the emptiness I actually feel is something I lack within, or if my marriage is truly bringing me unhappiness. My father said awhile ago, there is not one good reason he sees that I should end my marriage. And I guess, if I look at the fact that my husband is a good provider, good father, and is working hard now, my father is right. But can it ever be too little to late?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by confusedkat

My father said awhile ago, there is not one good reason he sees that I should end my marriage.

 

I can think of one: you don't love him. Sometimes all the counseling and therapy in the world won't change the fact that you simply don't love someone anymore and don't want to be married to them.

 

You do need to find out for sure, though.

 

Have you considered getting some marriage counseling just to see if there is a chance for you two? You can try and see if there is anything salvageable there for you. You may surprise yourself and find out that you do love your husband and want to give it a real shot. You may just as easily confirm that you don't love him and would be better off divorced. Either way, you and your husband do need to find that out instead of just settling into the inertia of a functional but emotionally dead marriage.

 

If it does end up in a divorce, at least you can say that you tried everything you could before ending it. Either way, I hope that you and your husband can come to some sort of agreement/understanding that will work out for you and your family.

[confusedkat]

Yes. I intend on going to counselling. It just seems so unfair that you can just "fall out of love". I mean, I realize the past plays a huge role in how I feel today. Our past has not been pretty and I have posted my story on here previously. I feel like I care about my husband, would not want to hurt him at all. I am hopeful it can work. Do you think you can just stop loving someone and not be able to get it back? How do you explain that to a family and your children? Yes, counselling will help. A part of me fears that counselling will confirm that it is over and I am not prepared to cause the kind of pain to everyone else that will be the result of a divorce. He was not a very giving man in the past, but he is really a good and decent man now. A bit controlling, but who doesn't have their faults. I know I have mine. Sometimes I think I am just always looking for more....never satisfied with what my life is now. I feel like it is all my fault, that it is not perfect. That somehow I failed. Both my parents are twice divorced. That makes me feel like a failure even more. Like a statistic...the adult child of divorce who can't make a marriage work. Yes, counselling will probably help. Because someone todl me previously that if counselling works for us, it will obviously be good, and if it tells me that our marriage is not right, that it will help me to "own" my decision. Because I already know that if our marriage fails, all eyes will be on me...because he is a good man.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope that counseling will work for you. First and foremost, it is important that you understand that your feelings in this matter are valid too. Just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean that you are a bad person for not loving them. You are not obligated to love this person, and you should not punish yourself or allow yourself to be punished simply because you don't love someone. If you don't, you don't. No one on the face of the earth can make you love someone that you don't love - and no amount of headshrinking is going to trick or guilt you into loving someone (it may work temporarily, but it will always come to naught if you truly do not love the person and want to be married to them).

 

What you will need to do is get some individualized help figuring out what it is you do feel for this person. It sounds like you want to love him, but you don't and you feel guilty about that. Totally understandable. What you will need to do is come to terms with that within the context of your marriage and your family. Be sure what it is you are feeling or not feeling. You have to get yourself together before you can work it out in context of your marriage. It could be that you need to have that objective third party in there to help you put your relationship in context with what you are feeling or not feeling. It could very well be that you come to the realization that you do want to work things out and keep the marriage going.

[Ladyjane14]

Have you ever had a depression screening, Kat? Are these empty feelings specific to your husband and marriage, or are they extending into other aspects of your life?

 

Try to rule out everything else, before you make a decision on the marriage. The process of elimination. Once you've ruled out everything else, maybe you'll be able to see if there is any love left.

[confusedkat]

That's exactly what I am doing. I know I need to be sure. So, yes, I am going to rule everything else out. Because to leave a 10 year relationship and break up a family with 2 young children is a major step. I can't leave my husband with good conscience unless I know it is us and not ME. For a while I felt stressed to decide, and decide NOW. But, I realize that this is something I need to really take my time with because I will need to live with this for the rest of my life (whatever decision I make). Part of me thinks it is within myself, but then there is just so little feeling left for my husband. So, as I have said in the past, I will continue to work on myself and not rush into any decisions. I wish there was a blueprint for life...something that showed exactly what the right thing to do was in every situation.

 

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts.

[HappyInNJ]

Here's one I can relate to 100%.

 

I consider myself a luck man in that I realize I almost lost the greatest thing to ever happen to me; my wife. She is the most unique, loving and sincere person I ever met. We have been together for almost 12 years, married 10. We have two of the most beautiful daughters, 8 and 6. They love their mom, and the love their dad.

 

But years ago, as we began to settle down, some of our differences that we accepted in the "dating phase" began to become issues. Then we stared to argue, then sex stopped, then the communication stopped, and it got to the point where

we were just roommates living in the same house, and we cam every close to divorce. I couldn't bear doing that to my children, as I had been married before, and have a son from my previous, and I carry that guilt with me to this day as we split when he was 1.

 

She looked at me with such coldness. Then it hit me in that this poor woman waited all her life to marry me, and invested 6 years of her life in me for nothing.

I felt so guilty, so responsible. I thought how could I have loved her so much in the past, and get to where we are now?

 

I had to do a complete turnaround in my head, and I talked to her and she said that if I tried and did not give it 100%, that it was over for good. So my thing became momentum. Do something nice every day, and be creative. Listen to her, gove her space when she needs it. I just kep building on it and then learned that it is alot easier to keep the momentum going that to ever let it get to the point of no return, and try to get things back again.

 

As I said, I am a very lucky man, and now not a day goes by where I don't tell her how much I love her, how great she looks, how smart she is, whatever; I mean it when I say it and the rewards are worht every effort.

 

Marriage: you take out what you put in.

 

I am very happily married, and am deeply in love with her. She is my world, and it feels wonderful!

 

Good luck!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I agree with the "depression screening" doctor visit.

 

I've been in your position and I'm guessing you are in your mid-30's? I know alot of women who have these feelings and thoughts at this time in their lives. Many of them went on anti-depressants for a while and things got better. If this does not appeal to you maybe seeing an herbalist is another option. We all go through this and sometimes talking you your girlfriends may also help. I found out many of my close friends were also feeling this but nobody was talking about it. I was very embarrased to mention that I was taking anti-depressants.

 

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[Owl]

I've got to agree to agree to agree ( ) with the depression thing too...you sound EXACTLY like my wife right after her online emotional affair came out in the open!!!

 

And a large part of her problem WAS depression...she's since being treated for it, and that combined with the counseling and the changes we've made in our marriage have made a HUGE difference for us!!!!!

 

I'm not sure...have you told your husband how you feel??? Does he know about your emotional affair???

 

My wife never clearly told me what she felt was lacking in our marriage before the affair...she just let me know she wasn't happy. But without knowing WHAT the problem was, there was no way I could fix it...was there?

 

Counseling, both personal and marriage, along with a trip to the doctor for possible treatment for depression sound like EXACTLY what you need. Its exactly what saved my marriage.

 

If you haven't told your husband about your affair, you're going to have to do that too...its the only way that HONEST communication can start. It won't be easy...not at all. But it will be honest, and it will give him the chance to decide if HE wants to stay in the marriage too.

 

Start thinking about your needs that he's not meeting for you...and how he can start meeting them. AND...start thinking about what you're NOT doing for him either. There are some, I'll garauntee it. Go to that first marriage counseling armed with that knowledge...it'll give you a headstart.

 

Start HONESTLY communicating with your husband...about what/how you feel. About what happened. About WHY it happened. About what you're going to do to keep it from happening again.

 

It can work out....been married 17 years here. This last year was the worst year of my entire life...and my life hasn't been a picnic by ANYONE's standards. But, my relationship with my wife now is better than it has been in at least a decade...think about that!

[confusedkat]

Yes. My husband knows that I turned outside for emotional support. He understands why I did, and realizes that he has not been very emotionally supportive or warm in the past, with the exception of whenhe wants to have sex. Yes, depression is a possibility. I was on anti depressants for a brief time this year and went off after a few months...I didn't like the fog I felt I was in. I have been very honest with my husband, as far as what happened in the past. I was so emotionally starved I needed an outlet. Yes, I realize this was an infidelity, even if the physical wasn't involved. I carry that guilt with me every day. Like I said, we both have commited marital crimes against each other. Me and my emotional infidelity and he with some other things that have happened in the past. My children are everything to me and I realize that they need a solid foundation. I hope with all my heart that my husband and I can work things out, because I want to give my children the family they deserve. Another huge is fear is that if our marriage fails, the relationship between my husband and younger child will almost be non-existent. She is 5 years old and really has a strained relationship with him. As I said, he is a good man, good father, has good intentions, but he is pretty cold emotionally and the kids definitely get that vibe. My 5 year old has actually said she doesn't love him (and I know children sometimes say this, but her feelings toward him are somewhat cold and indifferent, and she hates to go to bed with him at night. She actually screams bloody murder). My 7 year old son, thankfully, seems to accept that his father is not very emotional and warm, and seems to understand that he loves him anyway. As for me, I have a lot of issues, stemming from my childhood and many other situations that I need to work through. And hopefully in working through these things, I will come to find that my marriage is good and beneficial and loving for both myself and my husband. I am not strong enough, even if I needed to, to leave for me. I could never hurt my husband and children by tearing our family apart. The guilt I would feel for failing, for not being able to be happy with him when I know he loves me, the guilt of making the relationship between he and his children more difficult, and mostly, the guilt of taking a "normal" life away from my children would be worse than the underlying unhappiness I would live with. I beleive my life can be at the very least, good and satisfying and if I can bring us back together, hopefully even better. I do believe that my depression is a result of my marital problems, not necessarily his fault, but the deteriating marriage. Of course, my past and childhood factor into how I deal with this and how I look a life, so that is part of it, also. I am hoping to go to counselling after the first of the year. Recently, I have used this board as a way to talk to people, to get my feelings out, but I have a horrible fear that my husband has been monitoring my activities on my computer, so I get so hesitant to post. Like I said before, every day I have been feeling a little better, but I have my ups and downs. My husband grows increasingly irritated because my progress is better. I have been more affectionate lately, trying to appreciate him and what he does for me and our family, but my lack of sex drive always seems to rank pretty high in his frustration. It happens about once every two weeks and his mood is greatly dependant on our sex life and always has been. So, while I continue to try to get my head in the right place, I also feel guilty because I know I am not giving him what he needs/wants. So, yes, things are clearer, getting better, but I still have a lot of issues I need to work through and continue to try.

 

Thanks again for everyones input!

[Ladyjane14]

Kat, there are many different anti-depressants on the market. It takes several weeks for them to become effective, and sometimes you have to try more that one before you find the right match for you. It can be a daunting process.

 

There are natural ways to raise the seratonin levels in your body in the meantime. Getting some regular exercise and trying to keep a positive attitude will help. Take joy in the little things. Dismiss the negative thoughts when you can.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are going for counseling with your husband. Don't put this off. It can often take a couple of weeks just to get the first appointment, so think about getting started with it sooner rather than later.

 

And don't take all the blame for the marriage being less than satisfactory. You can only work on your part. He'll need to work on his too. It's okay to ask him to put the necessary effort in.

 

You need some reassurance from him that he's going to be working as hard as you are. Don't hesitate to ask for it. He's probably wondering what he can do to make things better anyway.

 

If you focus all of your energy on correcting your own perceived faults, you will untimately fail. So, spend some time enjoying life. Enjoy your kids, and your husband. Treat him like a boyfriend. Ask for the same treatment. Find the fun in each other.

 

Have a joyful holiday.

[confusedkat]

As usual, when I see your posts they are inspirational. If we don't have hope, what do we have?

 

Thanks for the advice! Have a wonderful holiday, also.

[rble618740]

I know I hold a relatively unpopular point of view in that I believe marriage should not begin or end solely on a feeling of "love." Love is a feeling, an emotion. It is fickle and it will wax and wane. Marriages are built on a conscious decision to uphold a promise - and yes, sometimes, there are periods when that promise is all that holds a marriage together. Some people think that's awful but, to be honest, I went into marriage knowing that there would be times when I might look at my husband and think, "today - I wish I wasn't married to you." The desire to uphold their vows even with the perception that all love may be lost has brought many marriages from the brink of divorce. Usually, when you're getting ready to divorce someone, you don't look at them with love. But...if you both commit to working at the marriage, you may find that love was hidden deep beneath resentment, insecurity, or any number of other issues that can hijack your marriage.

 

I totally disagree with LucreziaBorgia. Depending on what you said on the day you got married, you probably do have an obligation to love this person. Usually, spouses have vowed "to love...'til death do us part." I hope you will consider putting effort into finding a way to repair your marriage, instead of a way out. You'll know when it's right for you to leave. You won't have to ask people on loveshack because you will feel totally peaceful with the decision. Not that I don't want to dialogue with you, but the fact that you're asking for advice means that you're not convinced there's no hope for your marriage. If you're not convinced there's no hope, maybe you should try a little while longer. I care a lot about people and I hate to think of someone living with regret. I don't want you to be unhappy, but your happiness is up to you - it's not your husband or marriage's responsibility.

[Owl]

What emotional needs of your is your husband not meeting? And which ones of his are you not providing for? Counseling should help the two of you to figure that out...and if love really has been a factor in your marriage in the past, then you'll see that love again as soon as you're treated for depression and have both started fulfilling each other's needs like you need to.

 

Here's something that someone told me when my marriage was going through a MAJOR crisis..."The difference between loving and being "in love" is only in how hard you're willing to work for it."

 

You describe your husband in a lot of positive ways that make me think that you "love" him, but aren't "in love" with him. The few negatives you've described (cold, etc...) outline needs of yours (and perhaps your kids) that he's not fulfilling. So, if he wants to make your marriage work, get counseling on how to start helping him fill those needs. Then, BOTH of you need to WORK at your marriage...at 17 years, my marriage is more work now than ever before. (Read again...we went through major crisis a few months ago where MY wife had an emotional affair as well). You can recover and make it work if you BOTH invest in it. If you or he are not willing...end it. By staying together but not loving each other, you'll make it worse for everyone...to include the kids.

[confusedkat]

I agree about the work and I also agree that I will know if and when the time is right to leave. I won't be looking for answers outside, but inside. I realize that. Owl, I am familiar with your situation, and you, along with LadyJane have been a positive angle for me. I feel much better recently. It is hard and it is a lot of work. I know that there are so many different ways to view things and while I agree with all the positive advice, I also believe there is a little truth to the advice or opinion about not being able to force yourself to love someone. I am not saying that is where I am at. Because, yes, I do realize how many positive things there are about my husband. And I know that if I can get my mental state in the right frame of mind, that it would be much better to remain married and be able to look back at my life with the same person I shared it with. I am not ready to call it quits, because I can't honestly convince myself that I have tried to do all I could, or that he has, to save our marriage. And that being said, I know I have not met his needs in many ways, also. Dealing with the struggles of a marriage is hard for me. Both my parents quit....twice each. I love them dearly, but I never really learned how to work at a marriage. I watched my parents destroy both of their marriages (along with their spouses), and never saw just how powerful a strong relationship could be. And I know I need to make myself happy. I think that is part of it. I think that being a hosuewife for the past 8 years, with everything about me being tied to my husband, children and house, has been bittersweet. I wouldn't change being home with my children for the world, but it is an easy thing to lose one's self in the lives of those that we take care of. Being a parent is a noble and incredible thing, but it is extremely selfless, and that can be hard to deal with at times. So, I agree I can't pin the "happiness" thing on my husband. I need to be able to make myself happy. I keep saying....one day at a time.

 

Hope everyone has a happy new year!

[Ladyjane14]

I know how you're feeling. Really I do. Been there and done that!

 

It seems impossible to believe that the blah feeling could ever go away, but it can. I'm living proof!

 

You've got soooooooo much going for you, and you're so far ahead of the game in terms of understanding what's happening. You're a bit too hard on yourself, if you ask me.

 

Worry less. Play more!

 

Have you thought about what you're going to do when the kids are bigger. How about studying for a post-SAHM career?

[confusedkat]

Yes. LOL. Always been way too hard on myself. While I have made some mistakes that I punish myself mentally for everyday, I know my husband made some, but it is my guilt I live with...not his. Always been too hard on myself. Working on that, also.

 

Actually, I have a BA in Adult Education/Training and Development. Although I don't want to incur more of a student loan, I am probably going to return to school to pursue a nursing degree. Always has been me passion....I am a people person and pretty compassionate (probably too much so which is why I get myself in trouble emotionally because I get so attached to people). I think the money I spend in the next couple years for a nursing degree will more than make up for itself in the career satisfaction, flexible hours (so I can still be with my children), good pay and secure career field). By the time my younger child is in school a full day (1 1/2 years from now), I should be just about done with my clinicals.

[Ladyjane14]

Nursing is a great idea, Kat. It's not for everybody, and for those who can get in there and be 'hands-on' helping people....well, I've got terrific respect for that.

 

You don't have to commit all at once. You could start with a Medical Assistant certification and build on it.

Get your feet wet and see how you like it before you invest too heavily in the student loans.

 

I'm really frazzled after the holidays, so refresh my memory please. What exactly is your husband doing in regards to strengthening the marriage? Does he realize how much jeopardy the relationship is truly in? And has he made any positive changes or contributions in marriage-building? Is he being romantic with you? Is he communicating well?

 

I can't help but think of how motivated my husband was, and still is, to reconciliation. Are you getting any of that from your husband?

 

I reviewed this thread earlier, and I couldn't help but notice how when Happy in NJ realized that he wasn't living up to his commitment as a husband, he stepped up to the plate and reinvested. Everything changed, because then his wife invested as well.

 

Same thing in my situation. We're both equally committed now, doing a little something for each other every day. Each of us putting a drop in the bucket.

 

I'll remind you now, that it took a crisis for us to see the seriousness of the situation, and how far the marriage had degraded. I actually had gone to a lawyer and asked my husband for a divorce. It wasn't until then that he could see it. That's when he reinvested.

 

I'm just curious if you're husband is pulling out all the stops, and doing everything he can. Women respond pretty well to that, wouldn't you agree?

[confusedkat]

In all honesty, he has been working hard for a couple years. I have been in that "too little, too late" mode until I turned outside of our marriage, to another man for support on an emotional level. Then, when my husband found out, that threw our marriage into a crisis state (although, it had been for years, it just brought it to the light). Only thing is that while I was looking outside our marriage, he found out, I paid for it with interrogations and mistrust, and I felt horrible. A couple months after he found out, I found some "questionable" pictures and emails f rom a girl 10 years younger than me that my husband had been corresponding with. This had been going on for over 2 years. Anyway, we both are making efforts. My husband has been trying to be a better husband for quite awhile. I have oftne just felt like I have been going through the motions. In some ways, I do believe that he won't "get me" as some one else may. But, I am smart enough to realize that I shouldn't punish him because he came from a more stable childhood than I. Should I hold it against him because he didn't face the trauma and abuse that I had in the past? No. But, at times, I have found it much easier to be understood by people that came from the same background. But I am very aware that if I were ever to be with someone more similar to me, we would probably drag each other into a dark hole of depression and self pity that might never be crawled out of. So, in a sense, I guess my husband and I balance each other. I am very emotional (some logic exists in my mind, also!) and he is very logical and methodical.

 

So, to answer your question, yes, he tries. He tries to understand me more, tries to be more attentive (which is hard, I am very independent, as is my mother and stepmother), which sometimes backfires beecause I often feel smothered. But, he tries.

 

As far as nursing, I have thought about it for years and while I was in college, wanted to pursue a degree in nursing, but everyone discouraged me, saying I would get too attached to patients (again, I am extremely emotional and compassionate and tend to become intimate with most people I spend time with....emotionally only !, and people seem to open up to me easily as I do to most). So, I was discouraged and listened to everyone else but myself. So, I am pretty sure about the career choice. But I am taking it slowly. I still am paying off my loan from my BA ( I went back after I had my first child to finish a degree that I started years ago....finished when my second child was 2). So, I feel guilty for incurring more debt while we put away a minimal amount for our children's college fund every paycheck. I think the field is right for me. I am pretty sure.

 

Hope you have a Happy New Year!