After 2 years apart he wants me back

[gwennebe]

After two years my ex wants to try to work things out!!! What a surprise I had! My ex called me this week and practically begged me to give him a second chance after two years of dating and two years of being broke up. We haven't even been in much contact over the past two years because he has been in a relationship.

 

I was absolutely devastated when we broke up. It actually took us 6 months to really break up. Most of the problems we had were his fault. He was an alcoholic, Had Adult ADD, Rough childhood, he come from a wealthy family so he doesn't know how to be responsible, he couldn't face any form of conflict so he would just lie to people instead.

 

He admitted everything! Everything I ever wanted to hear him say he said. He admitted he was wrong and wishes he could take it all back. I don't know what to think. I don't even live at home anymore. I'm 10 hours away in a place we were originally going to move to together. He asked to get together over christmas and talk. He wants to pick me up from the airport and I am stupid enough to let him even though he has a history of "not showing up" Is it possible for people to really change with medication and therapy?

 

This is so hard on me. He hurt me so much but I've never gotten over him completely and he's the one I compare my new relationships with. He sounds so sincere. ughhhh!!!!

[tattoomytoe]

i think you should at the least, give him a chance to apologize. People can change. i would go into it with a slight guard up and with no expectations. and tell him you will meet up with him as a friend.

[alphamale]

gwennbee:

 

don't do it! it is a trap. he wants you back cause his latest relationship in over.

 

if you decide you want to give it a shot then make him pay thru his nose and take plenty of time getting back together, or deciding to get back together.

 

i smell a rat here.

[Weird]

I say you give him the chance to prove to you he is sincere and has changed IF you still have feelings for this guy which you seem to have. Just don't have high expectations nor put down your guard and let this guy fully into your life and potentially hurt you. Hang out/talk with him in a casual way and see if things with him are in fact changed and improved. It'd really suck if you gave the guy the 2nd chance and were totally open with him only to get screwed over so really, you need to keep your guard up for a while.

 

Congrats on hearing him say all the stuff you wanted him to say/admit to 2 years ago. I bet it feels pretty damn good but at the same time is frustrating because wtf didn't he realize all this back then rather than now.

[gwennebe]

Thanks guys! Alpha, I am afraid it is a trap too. I am wondering the same thing you are since his last relationship is over now he wants to talk to me cause I dont' think he can be alone. I am deffinately going to bring it up to him.

 

At the same time, however, he told me about 9 months ago he still loved me when I ran into them at a club before I moved.

 

I told him I would meet him but not to expect to just jump back into things like they never changed. He knows he has a lot of work to do to win my trust back and he said he is willing to do it but I am very very afraid of getting hurt. It took me a long time to get over him.

 

Weird, lol. That's exactly what I said to him. WTF? Why didn't you realize this 2 years ago.

[GreenCap]

Just a slight aside:

 

Well, is the general experience then that guys usually are the ones who come back for second chances or women? Will a girl who called it off ever come back for another try?

 

Coming back to the primary topic, I would say if this bloke really hurt previously, I think you should proceed with great caution as it may appear that he is trying to fill a void.

[gwennebe]

thanks Green Cap. I will be very carefull in proceeding with him. We have to anyway because we are 3 states away which could be a good thing for now. He's talking about relocating to where I am. When he calls me tonight I think I will bring up the subject of him possibly filling a void with me.

 

So does anyone have any experience with people getting back together and it actually working out after a long meaningful learning experience?

[Weird]

So does anyone have any experience with people getting back together and it actually working out after a long meaningful learning experience?

 

I dont know of any personally but I know it can work if both parties want it to and actually grow/mature in the time away from each other. Usually though people do not change and go back to being the same and things will logically get screwed up again.

 

I really do hope that guy has changed, grown up, etc and isn't just trying to jerk you around.

[XNemesisX]

I really hope he is not doing that too.

 

I hate to say it, but I'm also suspecting something is not right here. Its kind of suspicious that he calls you up saying all these things to you right after his relationship ended. Was he dumped?He may be trying to use you for an ego boost and/or a rebound

 

Be very very CAREFUL.

 

Sometimes when someone's relationship doesn't work out they want to go back to something that is reliable, familiar, and where they know the person still cares (no worries of rejection). Gosh, this sounds all too familiar to me.

 

Please be leary of this guy. Just isn't adding up.

[moon]

Your relationship sounds like a carbon copy of my past relationship. If I couldn't see where your location was I'd think you were talking about my ex. This is totally something he'd do too.

 

I don't really know how to give out advice about this. For starters, is he still an alcoholic? Has he enrolled in AA and taken the appropriate amount of time to recover? That would be my first question, because alcohlism makes people do stupid things. I think this is why alcoholics usually come crawling back to a relationship later that ended (even if they ended it) because nobody else (healthy people) wants to put up with them either.

 

If I was in your position I would start asking some serious questions before you even see him. I'm putting myself in your shoes here. I'd ask him about the drinking, why his other relationship ended, what is he doing with his life now, has he sought counseling, is he willing to change, why does he think things will be different between you two etc. I would pay close attention to the answers and don't just hear what you want to hear.

 

My ex was an excellent charmer---he was brilliant at it. That's the reason I hung around so long (like 3 years). But if your ex is just back to his old tricks and hasn't changed then in all likelihood your relationship (if it begins again) will end and sour the way it did in the past. It is NO fun going out with an alcoholic. No fun. It gets so frustrating. You give them a million ultimatums and they don't change usually---unless they really want to. Coupled with the money (same combination as my ex)----and it's just a disaster because they basically think they own the world and don't take responsibility for their actions. It really hurts to be in a relationship with these self centered people.

 

Good luck. I'd say...that's great this guy is getting back in touch with you, at least to come full circle about what happened between you. But unless you have some serious boundaries in place and unless he's "changed" because he wants to, I think the second time around probably won't be much different. Sad to say. But I don't know your situation.

 

I'd first (before you see him) really probe him about why he thinks things will work out this time. What changes has he made in his life to really argue this point? And you definately don't want to get into an situtation with him by saying..."Ok I will be with you if you don't drink." Okay (!) he will probably say.....as he slips on and off the wagon another 40 times. It is so frustrating being with a drunk. My ex just sees his drinking problem as partying. But he's had two DUIS and countless other things go down because he drinks like a fish. It's hard to handle.

 

By the way, did this ex JUST get out of his last relationship? That could be another thing. He does not want to feel the pain of the last relationship so he inserts you. Typical coward (my ex would do the exact same thing!!!!) Read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" before you meet him. It is all about this revolving door and dating alcohlics and the alure of them, etc. It helps you pinpoint your own problems too in the web of deceit.

 

Hope things turn out better than expected, but I have just seen this movie before and it didn't have a happy ending for me. I got left the second time after a lot of promises (lies) came unfurfilled.

[moon]

By the way, I am going through the same thing right now. A part of me still wants to be with my ex, even though I know about all his problems. I am still missing him (after being broken up for over 2 months). It sucks. It is a vivious circle. So my advice above is hypothetical, yet also what I have been telling myself over and over again. But it is hard for it to really sink in for me as well.

 

Good luck.

[gwennebe]

Thanks Moon. My ex is a charmer also! He says he went to AA meeting and he's been seeing a therapist. I don't know for sure since I haven't been around him. I can tell you one thing. If he doesn't have his drinking under control I'm not putting up with it!!

 

From what I gather he is dumping her because she has been calling him all week wanting to talk to him. From the bits and pieces I've put together I'm still confused as to how he feels about her. I think he is trying to make it seem like she didn't mean much to him (to me) when I know that can't be true because they were together a year and a half.

 

Or, he could just really mean what he says. I'm just happy we are 10 hours away. The risk of me getting hurt goes down because we can't actually jump right back into a relationship. We are going to have to start out as friends. I guess that's my best bet. Go into this as friends and see how he "really " is.

 

Thanks again for the support. I also wanted to ask you moon, is your boyfriend more of a binge drinker or the kind of drinker that actually craves alcohol? My ex was the type that couldn't stop drinking once he started and he was the stupidest drunk. Always making a fool out of himself. I would get so emberassed. Then we would fight because I never wanted to go out with him!! lol.

[daphne]

oh gwennebe,

 

For the types of problems your ex had, people don't change that much. Most people don't change who they are at the core. Those that do, wouldn't yank your chain to see if they can and because it didn't work out with someone else. People that truly change have spent plenty of time soul searching to figure out what they've been doing wrong and how to do it better next time.

 

Again, much to my dismay, I whole heartedly agree with alpha male. My gut feeling is honestly that he is the same person and will always be. Whatever reason he left his last girlfriend is where he is right now. I doubt it was her fault. He doesn't want to work things out or really work on his problems. he just wants to fly from one flower to another without figuring out how to make it work with one.

 

IMO, it doesn't sound worth the risk. But that's just me.

 

good luck

[moon]

No gwen my ex was not a binge drinker. He was the type of drinker that would slowly drink beer for much of the day.......unless he was at work. But he doesn't work a lot because his family always helps him out (reluctantly) because they've got a lot of money. They criticized him too for not getting a better paying job and things. He doesn't even work now. It was a problem for him. His mother in particular would lay into him about not supporting himself, etc. That was just a whole other issue. My ex is a charmer, always apologized for everything, won me back some how and all that time and again. But these's no doubt in my mind that he is an alcoholic. He has sought the help of AA too at times in the past.

 

I guess somebody else who wanted to live that sort of life wouldn't exactly mind. For example, he started going out with somebody else right after we broke up. The new girl didn't work either (and was enamored with my ex's talk of his big money). She just sort of liked to hang around and talk during the days with him while he wasn't working. He'd just sip beer all day. I actually met the girl he hooked up with (while I was still dating my ex) and she was flabergasted when I told her he was an alcoholic. I mean it's not normal to drink 15 beers a day, no matter how slow you drink them. I guess she just thought everyday was some sort of special occassion (sitting with HER to talk).

 

Anyway, my split was pretty nasty. I've talked about it a lot on this board. It was really painful. My ex will probably do the same thing to me one day. Call me up when he's down on another relationship, and with his usual upward charm, explain to me that he's changed and that we should start fresh. Reaching out for his old co-dependent.

 

Your ex does sound like he's changing--with the therapy and AA. Is it his current gf that is requiring this? Maybe he wants to get out of that relationship because she's pushing him too hard for recovery. I think my ex wanted to get out of the relationship with me because I knew him too well and called him on his sh*t. I demanded that he get help for drinking. He agreed but didn't like the life of recovery. He just wanted to find another girl to party with, who wouldn't call him on anything. I guess once the other girl realizes how hard it is to really be with somebody like this......she'll start having doubts and making ultimatums, like I did. Unless she is an alcoholic herself, don't know. I am not an alcoholic.

 

Your ex sounds like he's just playing games with you. He is still in this other relationship, yet is calling to see if he can sort of drop that girl and move on to you. I wouldn't back down so easy. It sounds like you already know what to do. It sounds like you understand his motives in a way. Good you have some distance from him. See where it all goes I guess. I wouldn't let him just hop ship from the other relationship to you. Remember I know what charmers these guys are too. Geezz my ex could sell ice cubes to eskimos. But keep your wits about you. Keep your feet firmly on the ground at all times and your head OUT of the clouds. I tell myself the same thing. They always come back at some time in my opinion (the alcoholics). Because they always have to maintain their comfort zone, no matter what. They don't like to feel real pain. They are numb. Okay this is my ex....I don't know about your ex exactlyl. But alcoholic=alcoholic in my book. Same methods different game. But hopefully your tale will have a different ending than mine---don't know. Good for your ex for seeking help, though. That is a huge step I think.Now he just needs to stick with it.

 

Good luck. Ask me more questions if you like. I've probably been through it seriously!!