How to handle the lonely times?

[megamommy]

We did end it. Yesterday. We both agree that our friendship is more important than having a secret relationship. I'm fine about it now, does it suck? Eh...a little bit. As long as he is happy, and can fix his marriage, then I'm happy for him. I deserve better than being his back up and we both know that if we ARE ever in a position to date eachother openly, we can and will.

 

 

I'm not going to let my emotions get caught up when I have other things to do in my life. It was all very confusing, this was the first and ONLY time I will ever get involved with someone who is married...

[thecharade]

What will a 'friendship' consist of? How is it different?

 

And how will you turn off your in love feelings and act as only a friend?

[megamommy]

The feelings have always been there, it's a matter of acting on it!

 

Once I know my boundaries I can keep myself in check and know the reality of a situation. The problem with this was we hadn't set any.

 

We have ALWAYS been good friends, first and foremost. Yeah the feelings are there, but I know he's married.

 

 

Friendship will consist of Facebook interaction, random texts check on eachother and no serious conversations. Absolutely NO flirting, no sweet names other than the same pet names we've had for the past 11 years and def. def. def. no dirty talk/pictures.

[thinkingofhim]

You know I'm not an expert but I don't think that's going to work. I have never had luck being 'friends' with ex lovers.

[megamommy]

You know I'm not an expert but I don't think that's going to work. I have never had luck being 'friends' with ex lovers.

 

 

All of my lovers have been close friends, I have never had a problem remaining friends after it's over. I'm lucky I guess...

[wannabdone]

I haven't read all of the other posts, so they are probably saying the same thing I am about to say.

 

How to get over the lonely times?? There isn't a way. As a matter of fact, they become worse with time. You become more paranoid, and will worry yourself to the point that you will not sleep or eat or be able to function at work. You will worry what they did over the weekend, worry about why he hasn't emailed or called you (does this mean they are "working on it"), worried that you said the right things and did he leave questioning the things you said and now go home and "work on it", were you the perfect woman, did you turn him on, did you present yourself as kind and sweet, and on and on and on.... the worry will overtake you. You will find that you start losing yourself, the paranoia and worry will bring you to a completely dependent, crying, and crazy person. The old you will be a mere memory of how you used to be. You will justify your change by saying that this is the first time you have been in real love, and love like this doesn't come around too often, so you changed, yes... but its a positive thing. And because this love is so rare, no body can really understand it, so all the "nay Sayers" are wrong, they just don't get it.

 

I'm not saying you don't love him, and he doesn't love you. I'm just saying, whether you love someone or not, or whether he loves you or not, the above is path that an A dynamic will take you, love or no love. Its a painful path, and unfortunately gets worse, and even more unfortunately rarely turns out the way we hope. Even if he loves you and wants to leave. I have said this many times (but please note, could not get this through my own skull when I was in my A), men rarely leave. almost 80% of divorces are filed by women. It will be up to her if the marriage is over, and many times the BS does not want to divorce. Maybe because she loves him, maybe for the kids, maybe for the perception of what people will think, or maybe just because she isn't going to let anyone else have him. Never the less what the reason is, she holds the cards here.

 

I know this will fall on deaf ears, and you can't imagine your life with out him. But if you think in anyway you can let go of him, you should. If you can't (and I understand that), I would try as much as possible to see things for reality, and not what your OW perception is. A perception that has been twisted because of your emotions and wanting. Funny how we can twist and turn things to be what we want, making our perception completely off of what it would been previously. And then as well all know, "perception becomes reality". So this twisted version of your perception becomes your reality, and live by it. If you can try to really keep yourself seeing the reality of what things are, I think it will help you get through those times, and maybe find a life that is yours on those days.

 

Good luck to you. and ((((hugs)))), my heart goes out to you.

[megamommy]

I haven't read all of the other posts, so they are probably saying the same thing I am about to say.

 

How to get over the lonely times?? There isn't a way. As a matter of fact, they become worse with time. You become more paranoid, and will worry yourself to the point that you will not sleep or eat or be able to function at work. You will worry what they did over the weekend, worry about why he hasn't emailed or called you (does this mean they are "working on it"), worried that you said the right things and did he leave questioning the things you said and now go home and "work on it", were you the perfect woman, did you turn him on, did you present yourself as kind and sweet, and on and on and on.... the worry will overtake you. You will find that you start losing yourself, the paranoia and worry will bring you to a completely dependent, crying, and crazy person. The old you will be a mere memory of how you used to be. You will justify your change by saying that this is the first time you have been in real love, and love like this doesn't come around too often, so you changed, yes... but its a positive thing. And because this love is so rare, no body can really understand it, so all the "nay Sayers" are wrong, they just don't get it.

 

I'm not saying you don't love him, and he doesn't love you. I'm just saying, whether you love someone or not, or whether he loves you or not, the above is path that an A dynamic will take you, love or no love. Its a painful path, and unfortunately gets worse, and even more unfortunately rarely turns out the way we hope. Even if he loves you and wants to leave. I have said this many times (but please note, could not get this through my own skull when I was in my A), men rarely leave. almost 80% of divorces are filed by women. It will be up to her if the marriage is over, and many times the BS does not want to divorce. Maybe because she loves him, maybe for the kids, maybe for the perception of what people will think, or maybe just because she isn't going to let anyone else have him. Never the less what the reason is, she holds the cards here.

 

I know this will fall on deaf ears, and you can't imagine your life with out him. But if you think in anyway you can let go of him, you should. If you can't (and I understand that), I would try as much as possible to see things for reality, and not what your OW perception is. A perception that has been twisted because of your emotions and wanting. Funny how we can twist and turn things to be what we want, making our perception completely off of what it would been previously. And then as well all know, "perception becomes reality". So this twisted version of your perception becomes your reality, and live by it. If you can try to really keep yourself seeing the reality of what things are, I think it will help you get through those times, and maybe find a life that is yours on those days.

 

Good luck to you. and ((((hugs)))), my heart goes out to you.

 

You really should go back and read everything. We have ended the A in an attempt to save our friendship rather than pursue.